Hot Zone (30 page)

“Oh.” I rubbed my hands together to warm them, then stuffed them in my hoodie pockets.

He kept his eyes steady on me. “What are you thinking right now?”

“Well, just that I wish I had been nicer to you in high school.”

He smiled but looked like maybe he’d been hoping for a different answer. What that answer might have been, I had no idea. “Nah, you were always nice.”

“Not always,” I mumbled.

“Madde. Don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t have a clue. I even knew people called me ‘big, dumb Tucker’ but never really thought about it being an insult. I just didn’t think about stuff like that then.” He chuckled. “And anyway, I was big and dumb. Now I’m not dumb, but I’m still big.”

“How tall are you, anyway?”

He shrugged. “6’ 5” maybe. And I was smart enough to know how to lift weights and run. I loved running. I mean, I was never really muscled like a weightlifter, but I think Dale used to believe if I looked good on the outside it made up somewhat for me being dumb.”

“You’ve always been a looker. Eye candy,” I said with a pretended leer. “Some of the girls in high school talked about asking you out.” What I didn’t add was that they would never be seen with someone like Tucker, not then. Now would be a completely different story. I thought about Karen and her long, appreciative looks at him.

“Don’t make me blush, now,” he said lightly.

We were quiet for a bit, each in our own thoughts. I was thinking about him. Was he taking advantage of his looks now? What was it like to suddenly be such a different person? In a way his innocence was immensely attractive. “Is that what you were doing tonight? Running?”

“Some. I can’t really run much in the woods in the dark. I just needed to get away and have some time to think.”

“Are you all right? I mean, I know you sort of knew this could happen with Cal returning, but I was starting to think since it had been so long with no word, he might be dead.”

He shrugged. “I think I always knew he’d come back. I had become Meri’s confidant. I’ll miss that.” He looked at me. “What’s he like?”

“He’s okay,” I said. “He and Meri have been together forever.” I knew this wouldn’t help him feel better, but I didn’t want to lie.

“Yeah,” he said, looking at the stars.

We lay in companionable silence for a time. I was starting to get pretty tired and considered getting up and going back to the house, but something kept me from actually doing it. Maybe I was just too comfortable here with him. There was no wind now, and it actually felt warmer.

Tucker finally asked, “How long had you been with Eddy?”

I hadn’t thought about Eddy for a long time before tonight. “Oh, year plus or close to two. But want to hear something funny? I think it was ending. We fought a lot, and didn’t make up much anymore.”

Tucker said, “Are you using ‘make up’ as a euphemism for sex?”

“No! I mean we just let the arguments fade—never resolved them.” I snorted, “You are such a guy.”

“Didn’t think you’d noticed that,” he said evenly.

“Please! Don’t even get me started on people not noticing.”

“You mean you? You seem to have too many admirers for your own good,” he said.

“That’s just what Gabriel said,” I grumped. “And I had to tell him that actually, I’m not very popular where the guys are concerned.”

Tucker laughed, sitting up again. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No, he actually thought—”

“Not popular with men? You think that?”

“Well,” I said self-consciously. “I admit that there are guys who would sleep with anything that had the corresponding parts, but—”

He chuckled. “I think you have a bit more than corresponding parts.”

“That’s nice of you to say,” I said, feeling a shift in the mood. For a moment, I suddenly saw Tucker not as a friend but as a man. Holy cow. It was like I was suddenly seeing everything with new eyes. His nordic good looks suddenly stunned me.

“I’m not being nice,” he said a little roughly.

“Okay,” I agreed, being a coward. My heart picked up speed. I wasn’t sure what I felt about this. I mean, this was Tucker! We were friends, and this would mean changes. I didn’t know what to do, whether to let this go or fan the flames, and what was worse, I just couldn’t think. I was far too tired and emotionally wrung out.

As if to answer my question, Tucker flopped down again, breaking the tension. “So, teach me a constellation.”

Bless him, I thought to myself as I showed him Orion, now low in the sky. He had probably guessed I was unsure and had given me an out. He was such a great guy, and more, a great person—probably better than I deserved.

I showed him a couple more and then yawned. “Sorry, I’ve had a long day.”

“Yeah.” He sat up and brushed off his pants. I sat up too.

“You know, Tucker,” I said as I pulled some grass off my hoodie, “I really do appreciate you. And I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Guys don’t get to cry and rant, but I know it’s still there.”

“Thanks,” he said, and his voice was husky. “But this isn’t as bad as it was when you came back from the cities after meeting Gabriel.”

“What? Why?” My sweatshirt de-grassing mission was abruptly aborted.

“I thought you were still in some kind of mourning over Eddy. I didn’t realize you two weren’t all that close.”

“What does Eddy have to do with anything?”

But Tucker shook his head. “Your face when you came back, and your voice when you defended him. I thought you’d fallen for Gabriel for sure, and I had waited too long to make my move.”

“But Meri …”

He chuckled again. “Come on Madde, are you blind? Meri was nice to me because she could see how I mooned over you. I mean, I like her and all, and I know things will change with Cal coming back, but she’s not you.” Although he was smiling easily, his eyes were intent on me. He knew he was moving beyond friendship now.

I stared at him, feeling that mood shift again, only stronger this time. “Uh, I didn’t know that,” I said uncertainly. My mind raced. What to do?

“Yes. Ever since Chemistry in high school, I’ve had a terrible crush on you.”

I didn’t know what to say although yes, I’d known this. “Really?”

He laughed a little ruefully. “I thought I was being overly affectionate, but you didn’t even know how I felt. Well, I guess that means I’m not nearly as smart as I think I am.” He saw the look on my face. I think it was something like panic. He pulled in a deep breath. “Hey, Madde, it’s okay. I always knew you were out of my league.”

That did it. I put my hand on his shoulder, and I suddenly felt a sense of foreboding. I had made a choice that would affect more than I realized right now. I ignored it. I hated when people said I saw the future, anyway. I was just tired and hurt. “Don’t ever say that, Tucker. It’s not true.”

He shook his head a little. “It isn’t!” I insisted. I took his hand and squeezed it, trying to get him to believe me. “Tucker, you’re so important here, can’t you see that? You handle most of what happens day-to-day, including keeping all of us safe. Meri said she didn’t know what she would have done without you when Phil and I were sick.”

He said softly, almost as if he didn’t want to say this at all, “I know Meri appreciated my friendship, but that’s not what I mean.”

I swallowed. “You’ve supported me and been instrumental in taking whatever bizarre idea I have and making it actually feasible. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

He gave an almost inaudible snort and shrugged. He either didn’t believe me, or maybe he hadn’t been looking for acclimation at all. Maybe he was looking for something completely different. I knew I couldn’t leave him thinking this way.

I rose up on my knees in front of him and looked down, my face serious. I put my hands on either side of his face, making him look at me. “Tucker, this isn’t high school, and I’m not one of the popular girls. You’re wonderful, and I just don’t know how to get that across to you!”

Tucker slowly raised his hand and covered my own, still on his cheek, with his. I let my hands slide down to his shoulders; suddenly realizing this was one of those pivotal moments that change everything. He was looking at me so intently, so … hungrily, and I couldn’t look away. His right hand slid up behind my neck, tunneling into my hoodie to slide under my hair, and I shivered a little.

We stared at each other.

Tucker said in a barely audible voice, low and silky, “I want to kiss you. God help me, I’ve wanted this for so long I sometimes wonder if it’s a integral part of who I am.” He shifted his weight and curled his legs under him, bringing himself closer to me. “You’re not saying no, so I hope that’s a yes.” His eyes seemed to have captured me completely. “Is it a ‘yes,’ Madde?”

I swallowed and nodded. “Yes,” I said.

He moved closer to me so very slowly it made my heart pound with anticipation. He tilted his head, and I closed my eyes. At the last second, his left arm slid around behind my back and pulled me close. His lips, firm and warm, so very warm, touched mine briefly. His arm tightened around me and something seemed to spark between us, and he was hungrily kissing me, and it was really, really good. Sweet and caring, and I so needed that tonight. I wrapped my arms around him, and somehow we maneuvered back into the grass. He seemed so intent, so focused, that it almost felt like he thought if he gave me a chance to pull back, I would. My hands had somehow managed to slide under his sweatshirt and were sliding along his waist and back, feeling the muscles there. He had shifted his weight partially on top of me, and his hand moved up under my sweatshirt and the shirt underneath.

I forgot it was cold outside. I forgot we were outside at all. The only things in my mind now were the sensations of his mouth on mine, and his hands—oh my God this guy knew just what to do with his hands—on my body making me want to scream. We had kissed for some time and things were progressing into serious when he pulled away, his breathing rough. “Madde, are you sure?” I knew how difficult it was for him to give me yet another out.

I forced myself to focus and think. Tucker wasn’t someone who thought of me casually. I needed to be sure for his sake. I thought of Gabriel telling me he needed outlets. Ouch. I thought of walking back up the hill with Tucker if I told him I wasn’t sure. Ugh. I thought of the comfort and okay, lust I felt in his arms. Whatever frigidity had been mine before the bombs had certainly turned into blinding need. But what about Gabriel? No, I was a fool if I thought a man capable of almost single-handedly pulling a country from some devastated states would ever really care for me. I was only of interest because I was the one person who could resist him. And that was it. And that would always be it.

I looked at him. “I’m sure.” My voice was soft.

He looked uncomfortable for a minute. “Far be it for me to ruin this moment with talk, but there’s something you should know.” He smoothed my hair away from my face with gentle fingers, pushing my hood back. “You know I have changed since the bombs?”

I was looking up at him, and I nodded. “We all have.”

“Think about what I was like before, Madde. I wasn’t exactly dating material.”

I already knew this, but it wasn’t easy to talk about. I hadn’t always been kind. “Because you were, uh …”

He smiled, amused. “Special? Dumb? I think the politically correct term is ‘cognitively disabled.’ But it all means the same thing.” He was waiting for me to get what he meant, but maybe I was too tired or too shocked by the directions things had gone to think about the situation. Or maybe most of the blood had left my head and was focusing on other areas.

“Madde, I’ve never been with anyone,” he said.

“Oh.” Yeah, I guess I should have gotten that.

“I just thought you should know,” he said evenly. He kissed the tip of my nose.

I felt like it was my turn now. “I’m uh, well, Eddy and I … I mean, I’m not …”

Tucker laughed softly and then kissed me so thoroughly I forgot what we were talking about. When he spoke, I had to make a concerted effort to pay attention. His voice was soft in my ear. “What you are is perfect.”

This time it was I who reached for him, pulling him closer to fall back into the grass. He was eager and gentle, thorough and tentative, and I found myself much more able to be myself than someone I thought my partner wanted. There wasn’t the embarrassment over whatever real or imagined flaws I had, no trying to read his mind to do whatever it was he wanted. It was simply being myself, and it was more than good, it was fabulous.

Chapter 18: Busted

I think I would have fallen asleep afterwards no matter that the night was cold, but Tucker pulled me to my feet saying something about public exhibitions. We were both so tired and, okay, giddy that we were laughing as we headed back up the hill to the house. Hoover appeared out of nowhere and followed us inside. I hadn’t let anyone sleep in Mom and Dad’s room up until now except for Meri when she’d been sick. Tonight, however, I headed in there, pulling Tucker after me. I collapsed on the bed, still giggling, and he lay down next to me, pulling me close into his warm body. I’m not sure about him, but I was asleep before I even got around to getting under the covers.

I woke up the next morning to a squeal. I sat up quickly, looking around a little wildly and possibly guiltily. Meri was standing at the door, grinning like a loon. “I found them! Oh wow, did I ever find them!” she crowed.

Hoover jumped off the bed and left. Smart dog.

I had the full impact of what had happened last night, or should I say this morning, hit me like a hammer. I loved Meri, but right now I wished she’d just go away. I gave Tucker an uncertain look, and he shrugged. He didn’t look guilty or worried. He looked happy, but was there a bit of uncertainty about him as well?

Phil and Nick now joined Meri. I groaned and got up to slam the door in their faces. Thankfully I was still dressed. I even still had my Uggs on. Meri came in before I could manage to shut her out. “Oh, my!” she said, eyes dancing, keeping the door wide open. “You look like you had some trouble outside. You’re all grassy. What happened? And look! Tucker! You’re all full of grass too. In your hair, even. Were you involved
somehow?” Her voice was gleeful.