How to Bake the Perfect Wedding Cake (15 page)

“I know. Come on, let me get you inside. I ran you a bath.”

My insides warm over. How is this possible? This gorgeous man in my life who cares so much for me? Is this how it works with love?

We climb the stairs and I drop my purse on the side table. I’m so exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I don’t even want to take a bath. I just want to crash into Jack’s arms and fall into a deep dark sleep. And I don’t want to wake up until everything is okay. But then a flash of possibility creeps across my mind. I have my appointment with Sheralyn Crowley tomorrow. This could make my career solid at Calstone Corp for a long time.

Suddenly, I’m more energized. I undress and slide into the warm bath that is covered with white crinkly bubbles. Jack must have used my lavender oil in the tub. The room is filled with the scent of walking through a field in France…purely luxurious.

I’m sinking deeper into the bath and my thoughts, when a warm kiss presses against my forehead. I open my eyes. Jack’s piercing blues are glaring back at me.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Thank you for making me this bath. It’s so comforting.”

The sides of Jack’s mouth pull up. “You’ve been going through a lot. I wanted you to be more at ease.” He runs his hand over my hair. “Are you hungry?”

I consider this. I haven’t eaten at all today, not after my lunch disaster, but food seems the furthest thing from my mind right now. “I should be, I didn’t have any lunch. I bought a sandwich but it tasted horrible. It made me feel sick again. And with everything with Grandmother, I guess I’ve lost my appetite.”

“Lauren, have you considered talking to a doctor?”

I crinkle my eyebrows. “About what?”

“About the way you’ve been feeling. How many times have you been sick recently?” He raises an eyebrow at me and locks in on my eyes. I can’t divert my attention because it will be a dead giveaway for any lie that I might offer. And no I don’t want to lie to Jack, but I also don’t want him to know about my anxiety issues.

“Jack, I’m fine. Really.”

“Lauren, you don’t seem fine and I’m concerned.” Jack circles a bubble with his hand. “I love you. I hope you’re comfortable telling me anything?”

I roll my eyes. “I would hope so…I told you one of the grossest things I did the other day…I’m still disgusted by it.”

Jack shakes his head. “See that’s a problem. You shouldn’t be disgusted by yourself; you should only be disgusted with him.”

“I am disgusted by him. But me doing that…it’s nasty. I wouldn’t want you to see me in that light.”

“Lauren, you didn’t puke in my mouth.” He laughs. “And even if you did…I wouldn’t necessarily be grossed out given the situation.”

“Okay, I have been sick several times recently.” I let the words jump out of my mouth like they were just kicked off a freight train for stealing a seat. Remorse encompasses my every thought. I want to reach out into the air and grasp at the oxygen and carbon dioxide and find the molecules that hold together the letters that formed the words that I just shared with Jack.
My secret.
All my insecurities. My personal medical history. History I don’t want to share with him. But should I want to? Isn’t that what partners do? They are able to see each other’s medical history. Am I ready to let Jack in on that side of me? The side where I’m not strong? The side where I’m weak and need help. From doctors and medicine. And counseling. What will he think if he knows?

“What kind of sick? Like actual throwing up?”

I swallow. “Throwing up and just some nausea here and there.” I stand up. I can’t have this conversation naked. Even if I’m covered in bubbles. I need clothes. I have to get dressed. I need to have some sort of security for the words that are being spoken. I dry off with a towel and throw on my comfy black pants and pink shirt. It’s not in the least bit sexy and in any other moment I would want to show some sort of sexiness or prowess for Jack. But not now. Right now, I need comfort.

I walk out into the living room and sit down on the couch. And then I pounce back up. I need wine. This conversation needs wine. I grab one of my go-to bottles. Bogle Cabernet Sauvignon will do just fine. A solid Cab and nothing about it says celebratory so it’s perfect. I pop the cork and pour two glasses. Jack is standing in the doorway with eyes that are reading less about my methodology of pouring and more about my insecurities. I know that’s what it is.

Jack stalks across the kitchen and takes the glass I hand him and places it on the counter. “Lauren, you don’t have to be afraid to talk to me. Open up. Share with me.” He traces the side of my face with his hand.

I can’t help but be warmed by his touch and I want to say: forget this conversation; let’s go to the bedroom and move past this moment and all this awkwardness that is about to happen for me. But I know that Jack wouldn’t go for that and honestly I don’t want to either at this point. If Jack is the man that I’m to marry, he needs to know about my panic attacks. He needs to know about my history and maybe he won’t want to know about my future, but I owe it to him and to our relationship to be honest. I can’t keep my insecurities about my anxiety from him.

I grab the wine and take a long gulp. It is not the same as I remember but I swallow anyway.

“I have panic attacks.”

Jack jerks his head back only so slightly. “Okay, have you always had them?”

I slump my shoulders. “I can’t remember exactly when they started… Okay that’s a lie. I remember the exact moment I had my first one. But I haven’t had them for a long time.”

“When did they start happening again?”

I swallow. “At the house.”

“Our house?” Jack runs his hand through his sandy blond hair.

“Yes.”

He pulls me into his arms and kisses my head. “I’m so sorry, Lauren, I never meant to cause you any anxiety. I will sell the house and we will find another one on our own.”

I retract my body. “No, Jack, it’s okay. The house is really beautiful. I love it.”

“Lauren, I can sell it.”

“No, really it’s fine. I’m fine. I just probably need to call my doctor and schedule an appointment.” I sigh. “I’m worried about my grandmother. I should go and see her.”

“We can book a flight for tomorrow morning.” Jack kisses my forehead.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Jack runs his fingers through my hair.

“I have a big meeting tomorrow with a huge client that could really change things for me at Calstone Corp.”

“Are you sure you can’t reschedule it? I’m sure your grandmother would love to see you.”

“I know…don’t make me feel worse than I already do.”

Jack takes my hand and gently squeezes my fingers. “I’ll do whatever you want to do. This is your choice, I definitely by no means want to make you feel bad in any way. My only goal in life with you is to make you feel good.”

My lungs collapse together, but I need to focus. I can’t be swept away with his love in this moment. I need to know if I’m making the right decision. If Jack thinks I’m making the right decision. I need to know that we are on the same page. “But, what if it was your Aunt Minnie you would reschedule one of your biggest business meetings and go see her?” I pace back and forth in my room. I need support right now, not to be made to feel worse. I need to know we see eye to eye here.

“Lauren, you seemed really upset and I thought if you were able to see your grandmother you would feel better. I know how important family is to you.”

Wow, way to turn the dagger. Family is important to me. But so is my career and my grandmother is okay. My mom said she was. Then again she also said that things happen to deteriorate at a certain age. I take a deep breath. I’m going to be sick. I rush off to the bathroom and hang my head over the toilet.

Jack is behind me holding my hair back. I’ve never had this many anxiety issues before. If any calls need to be made, it’s to my doctor. I wipe myself up and rinse my mouth out with mouthwash. Jack is so close to me with eyes filled with worry and concern. Is he doubting me and my mental health? Is he reconsidering spending the rest of his life with me and my
issues
?

“Has the anxiety always been like this?” Jack breathes barely above a whisper, almost as if he is walking on eggshells, afraid of freaking me out and causing another
attack
.

“No, I’ve never been this sick before.”

“Do you think it might be something else?” Jack’s eyebrows rise.

“Like what?” What could he possibly mean? That my condition is worsening? That I’m worse than I’ve ever been or something?

“You said you’ve been really nauseated and the vomiting… Is it possible you’re pregnant?”

“What?”

Jack laughs. “Come on, Lauren…those are common symptoms of pregnancy, and don’t forget about when you fainted. Was that the only time recently?”

I lower my eyes. I don’t want to even consider this question. There is no way I’m pregnant. Well, I mean it’s not like it would have been an immaculate conception or something, but we take precautions. It’s not like we were just going at things without protection. But I can’t be pregnant because that doesn’t make sense.

“I’m not pregnant.”

“Have you taken a test?” Jack glides towards me.

“No, I don’t need to take a test to tell me what I already know. I’m sorry if the idea of me having panic attacks is upsetting to you. But that is what is causing these symptoms. I know my body.” I storm into the kitchen and reach for another bottle of wine. That Bogle just really wasn’t good. I reach for the Pinot I bought a few days ago from one of my favorite wine cellars. There is no doubt it will be good. I pop the cork and pour a healthy amount into the glass in front of me. Jack is leaning against the doorway of the kitchen and inspecting me. My every movement. Is this what it will be like to be married to him? Him watching me and thinking that I don’t know my own body?

“Lauren, do you think you should be drinking that?” Jack nods at the glass in my hand.

“Yes, I do. I’m a little stressed and wine is good for that.”

“Right, but it’s not good for a baby.”

“Jack, there is no baby. Listen, I know you wanted to start a family early and all that great stuff. But I don’t want to. I’m not ready for that.”

Jack winces in response to the word ready. It’s our flirty fun word and I just used it in a mean way. Am I horrible person?

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s fine. If you aren’t
ready
…then you aren’t
ready
.” Jack pauses with each ready.

I rush over to him. “I’m sorry.”

Jack kisses my head. “It’s okay…it’s probably just your hormones.” He guffaws.

I swat his shoulder. And he grabs my hand and kisses each one of my fingers.

“I think someone in your condition needs to get to bed early.” I try to pull my hand away.

“You are so ridiculous!”

Jack lifts me up. “Maybe…are you
ready
to go to bed?”

“To get some rest?”

“Not a chance.” He breathes into my ear.

Chapter Twelve

My day is going about as well as it possibly could. I haven’t seen Trent at all… It’s like he has disappeared from Calstone Corp, which is fine by me. Javier is aware of my client lunch with Sheralyn Crowley this afternoon and has only made a few assertions to confirm my thoughts that this will make me a life in the sun here. I haven’t been sick at all day. Not even nausea. I almost want to send an hourly status update to Jack to tell him of this. After his suggestions that I’m pregnant it’s like my body is rallying against the idea as well and wanting to prove to Jack that it was just a bunch of nerves and that I’m fine.

And I am fine. Things are going to be great really soon. I know it. After work, Jack and I are meeting for dinner at Le Petit, even though I’d prefer to arrive together. It makes more sense logistically to leave directly from work.

An instant message pops up on my screen. It’s Marcus.

Have you seen the stats from yesterday?

I eye the photo he has attached.

Our team is crushing it.

A smile crosses my face. He’s right. We are. My entire team is soaring. And Trent’s has taken a nose dive. That is so odd. These are the worst numbers I’ve ever seen from him. I shake my head. I don’t have time to even consider or care about the
whys
and
hows
of that.

Fabulous stats. Thank you for the update.

I lock my computer and head down the hallway. Elaine is sashaying towards me.

“Hey there, can I have a word?” She cocks her head to the right.

“I’ve got an important meeting. How about later this afternoon?”

“Um…I guess.” She flitters her eyelashes.

As if whatever it is she has to say is more important than my meeting. I want to toss my hair over my shoulder and actually say “As If” to her. But I shall not regress into a
Clueless
moment. No, everything about today needs to speak confidence and not in a
Legally Blonde
way. But in an
Erin Brockovich
sort of way—ready to take on the challenges that come my way. I’m not a mom. I gulp. I’m not. Jack is wrong. It was only nerves. Which have apparently settled. But I am going to be the underdog that soars above the doubters.

I click the remote on my car and make my way to Hollow Moon. This is one of my favorite restaurants. I can’t help but wonder if Awolnation is a fan as well? Ha! Probably not…unless they like to switch things up and travel cross-country for a bite to eat.

“Reservations for two under Hauser,” I advise the hostess.

“Yes, right this way. Your party is waiting for you.”

I swallow a small lump in the back of my throat and glance at my phone. I’m two minutes early. I had hoped to be the first one to arrive. I follow behind the hostess in between the oak varnished tables and she stops in front of a table to the back of the restaurant, not exactly the best seating. But I’ll take it…and I don’t really have a choice as my party is already here.

The hostess steps to the side and motions for me to take a seat. My eyes can’t bulge out farther. My jaw is at its lowest point possible. I am ogling my party. The person I’m here to meet. The new client who could change everything for me. The biggest client I would have landed to date at Calstone Corp…is none other than Sherry.