How to Win Friends and Influence People (9 page)

Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.

By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M.

Shaw, secretary of the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt’s

cabinet; George W. Wickersham, attorney general in

Taft’s cabinet; William Jennings Bryan; Franklin D.

Roosevelt and many other prominent men to come to

talk to the students of my courses in public speaking.

All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office

or even a king upon his throne - all of us like people

who admire us. Take the German Kaiser, for example. At

the close of World War I he was probably the most savagely

and universally despised man on this earth. Even

his own nation turned against him when he fled over

into Holland to save his neck. The hatred against him

was so intense that millions of people would have loved

to tear him limb from limb or burn him at the stake. In

the midst of all this forest fire of fury, one little boy wrote

the Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with kindliness

and admiration. This little boy said that no matter

what the others thought, he would always love Wilhelm

as his Emperor. The Kaiser was deeply touched by his

letter and invited the little boy to come to see him. The

boy came, so did his mother - and the Kaiser married

her. That little boy didn’t need to read a book on how to

win friends and influence people. He knew how instinctively.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to

do things for other people - things that require time, energy,

unselfishness and thoughtfulness. When the Duke

of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled to

tour South America, and before he started out on that

tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could

make public talks in the language of the country; and

the South Americans loved him for it.

For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of

my friends. How? Although I haven’t the foggiest bit of

faith in astrology, I began by asking the other party

whether he believed the date of one’s birth has anything

to do with character and disposition. I then asked him or

her to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or she

said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,

“November 24, November 24.” The minute my

friend’s back was turned, I wrote down the name and

birthday and later would transfer it to a birthday book.

At the beginning of each year, I had these birthday dates

scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to my

attention automatically. When the natal day arrived,

there was my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I

was frequently the only person on earth who remembered.

If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with

animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on

the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in

tones that bespeak how pleased YOU are to have the person

call. Many companies train their telephone operatars

to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates

interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is

concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we

answer the telephone tomorrow.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins

friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty

to your company. In an issue of the publication of

the National Bank of North America of New York, the

following letter from Madeline Rosedale, a depositor,

was published: *

* Eagle, publication of the Natirmal Bank of North America, h-ew York,

March 31, 1978.

“I would like you to know how much I appreciate

your staff. Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful.

What a pleasure it is, after waiting on a long line, to have

the teller greet you pleasantly.

“Last year my mother was hospitalized for five

months. Frequently I went to Marie Petrucello, a teller.

She was concerned about my mother and inquired about

her progress.”

Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue to

use this bank?

Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New

York City, was assigned to prepare a confidential report

on a certain corporation. He knew of only one person

who possessed the facts he needed so urgently. As Mr.

Walters was ushered into the president’s office, a young

woman stuck her head through a door and told the president

that she didn’t have any stamps for him that day.

"I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,”

the president explained to Mr. Walters.

Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions.

The president was vague, general, nebulous. He

didn’t want to talk, and apparently nothing could persuade

him to talk. The interview was brief and barren.

“Frankly, I didn’t know what to do,” Mr. Walters said

as he related the story to the class. “Then I remembered

what his secretary had said to him - stamps, twelve-year-

old son. . . And I also recalled that the foreign department

of our bank collected stamps - stamps taken

from letters pouring in from every continent washed by

the seven seas.

“The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in

word that I had some stamps for his boy. Was I ushered

in with enthusiasm? Yes sir, He couldn’t have shaken

my hand with more enthusiasm if he had been running

for Congress. He radiated smiles and good will. ‘My

George will love this one,’ he kept saying as he fondled

the stamps. ‘And look at this! This is a treasure.’

“We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at

a picture of his boy, and he then devoted more than an

hour of his time to giving me every bit of information I

wanted - without my even suggesting that he do it. He

told me all he knew, and then called in his subordinates

and questioned them. He telephoned some of his associates.

He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports

and correspondence. In the parlance of newspaper reporters,

I had a scoop.”

Here is another illustration:

C. M. Knaphle, Jr., of Philadelphia had tried for years

to sell fuel to a large chain-store organization. But the

chain-store company continued to purchase its fuel from

an out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door of

Knaphle’s office. Mr, Knaphle made a speech one night

before one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrath

upon chain stores, branding them as a curse to the

nation.

And still he wondered why he couldn’t sell them.

I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it

briefly, this is what happened. We staged a debate between

members of the course on whether the spread of

the chain store is doing the country more harm than

good.

Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; he

agreed to defend the chain stores, and then went straight

to an executive of the chain-store organization that he

despised and said: “I am not here to try to sell fuel. I

have come to ask you to do me a favor.” He then told

about his debate and said, “I have come to you for help

because I can’t think of anyone else who would be more

capable of giving me the facts I want. I’m anxious to win

this debate, and I’ll deeply appreciate whatever help

you can give me.”

Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle’s own

words:

I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time.

It was with that understanding that he consented to see me.

After I had stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and

talked to me for exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes.

He called in another executive who had written a book on

chain stores. He wrote to the National Chain Store Association

and secured for me a copy of a debate on the subject.

He feels that the chain store is rendering a real service to

humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for hundreds of

communities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I

must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never

even dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude.

As I was leaving, he walked with me to the door, put his

arm around my shoulder, wished me well in my debate, and

asked me to stop in and see him again and let him know

how I made out. The last words he said to me were: “Please

see me again later in the spring. I should like to place an

order with you for fuel.”

To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering to

buy fuel without my even suggesting it. I had made more

headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in

him and his problems than I could have made in ten years

trying to get him interested in me and my product.

You didn’t discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for a

long time ago, a hundred years before Christ was born

a famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked;

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us."

A show of interest, as with every other principle of

human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not

only for the person showing the interest, but for the person

receiving the attention. It is a two-way street-both

parties benefit.

Martin Ginsberg, who took our Course in Long Island

New York, reported how the special interest a nurse took

in him profoundly affected his life:

“It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old. I

was in a welfare ward of a city hospital and was scheduled

to undergo major orthopedic surgery the next day.

I knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement,

convalescence and pain. My father was dead;

my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment and

we were on welfare. My mother was unable to visit me

that day.

“As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with the

feeling of loneliness, despair and fear. I knew my

mother was home alone worrying about me, not having

anyone to be with, not having anyone to eat with and not

even having enough money to afford a Thanksgiving

Day dinner.

“The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my head

under the pillow and pulled the covers over it, I cried

silently, but oh so bitterly, so much that my body racked

with pain.

“A young student nurse heard my sobbing and came

over to me. She took the covers off my face and started

wiping my tears. She told me how lonely she was, having

to work that day and not being able to be with her

family. She asked me whether I would have dinner with

her. She brought two trays of food: sliced turkey, mashed

a potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert. She

talked to me and tried to calm my fears. Even though

she was scheduled to go off duty at 4 P.M., she stayed on

her own time until almost 11 P.M. She played games

with me, talked to me and stayed with me until I finally

fell asleep.

“Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I

was ten, but one never passes without me remembering

that particular one and my feelings of frustration, fear,

loneliness and the warmth and tenderness of the

stranger that somehow made it all bearable.”

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop

real friendships, if you want to help others at the

same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in

mind:

PRINCIPLE 1

Become genuinely interested in other people.

A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE A GOOD

FIRST IMPRESSION

At a dinner party in New York, one of the guests, a

woman who had inherited money, was eager to make

a pleasing impression on everyone. She had squandered

a modest fortune on sables, diamonds and pearls. But

she hadn’t done anything whatever about her face. It

radiated sourness and selfishness. She didn’t realize

what everyone knows: namely, that the expression one

wears on one’s face is far more important than the

clothes one wears on one’s back.

Charles Schwab told me his smile had been worth a

million dollars. And he was probably understating the

truth. For Schwab’s personality, his charm, his ability to

make people like him, were almost wholly responsible

for his extraordinary success; and one of the most delightful

factors in his personality was his captivating

smile.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I

like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to

see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally,

we are glad to see them.

A baby’s smile has the same effect.

Have you ever been in a doctor’s waiting room and

looked around at all the glum faces waiting impatiently

to be seen? Dr, Stephen K. Sproul, a veterinarian in Raytown,

Missouri, told of a typical spring day when his

waiting room was full of clients waiting to have their

pets inoculated. No one was talking to anyone else, and

all were probably thinking of a dozen other things they

would rather be doing than “wasting time” sitting in that

office. He told one of our classes: “There were six or

seven clients waiting when a young woman came in

with a nine-month-old baby and a kitten. As luck would

have it, she sat down next to a gentleman who was more

than a little distraught about the long wait for service.

The next thing he knew, the baby just looked up at him

with that great big smile that is so characteristic of babies.

What did that gentleman do? Just what you and I

would do, of course; he-smiled back at the baby. Soon

he struck up a conversation with the woman about her

baby and his grandchildren, and soon the entire reception

room joined in, and the boredom and tension were

converted into a pleasant and enjoyable experience.”

An insincere grin? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We

know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking

about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that

comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a

good price in the marketplace.

Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the

University of Michigan, expressed his feelings about a

smile. “People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage

teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier

children. There’s far more information in a smile than a

frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective

teaching device than punishment.”

The employment manager of a large New York department

store told me she would rather hire a sales clerk

who hadn’t finished grade school, if he or she has a

pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of philosophy with

a somber face.

The effect of a smile is powerful - even when it is

unseen. Telephone companies throughout the United

States have a program called “phone power” which is

offered to employees who use the telephone for selling

their services or products. In this program they suggest

that you smile when talking on the phone. Your “smile”

comes through in your voice.

Robert Cryer, manager of a computer department for a

Cincinnati, Ohio, company, told how he had successfully

found the right applicant for a hard-to-fill position:

“I was desperately trying to recruit a Ph.D. in computer

science for my department. I finally located a

young man with ideal qualifications who was about to

be graduated from Purdue University. After several

phone conversations I learned that he had several offers

from other companies, many of them larger and better

known than mine. I was delighted when he accepted my

offer. After he started on the job, I asked him why he

had chosen us over the others. He paused for a moment

and then he said: ‘I think it was because managers in the

other companies spoke on the phone in a cold, business-like

manner, which made me feel like just another business

transaction, Your voice sounded as if you were glad

to hear from me . . . that you really wanted me to be part

of your organization. ’ You can be assured, I am still answering

my phone with a smile.”

The chairman of the board of directors of one of the

largest rubber companies ‘in the United States told me

that, according to his observations, people rarely succeed

at anything unless they have fun doing it. This

industrial leader doesn’t put much faith in the old adage

that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock

the door to our desires, “I have known people,” he said,

“who succeeded because they had a rip-roaring good

time conducting their business. Later, I saw those people

change as the fun became work. The business had

grown dull, They lost all joy in it, and they failed.”

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect

them to have a good time meeting you.

I have asked thousands of business people to smile at

someone every hour of the day for a week and then come

to class and talk about the results. How did it work?

Let’s see. . . Here is a letter from William B. Steinhardt,

a New York stockbroker. His case isn’t isolated. In fact,

it is typical of hundreds of cases.

“1 have been married for over eighteen years,” wrote

Mr. Steinhardt, “and in all that time I seldom smiled at

my wife or spoke two dozen words to her from the time

I got up until I was ready to leave for business. I was

one of the worst grouches who ever walked down Broadway.

“When you asked me to make a talk about my experience

with smiles, I thought I would try it for a week. So

the next morning, while combing my hair, I looked at

my glum mug in the mirror and said to myself, ‘Bill, you

are going to wipe the scowl off that sour puss of yours

today. You are going to smile. And you are going to begin

right now.’ As I sat down to breakfast, I greeted my wife

with a ‘Good morning, my dear,’ and smiled as I said

it.

“You warned me that she might be surprised. Well,

you underestimated her reaction. She was bewildered.

She was shocked. I told her that in the future she could

expect this as a regular occurrence, and I kept it up every

morning.

“This changed attitude of mine brought more happiness

into our home in the two months since I started

than there was during the last year.

“As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator

in the apartment house with a ‘Good morning’ and a

smile, I greet the doorman with a smile. I smile at the

cashier in the subway booth when I ask for change. As I

stand on the floor of the Stock Exchange, I smile at people

who until recently never saw me smile.

“I soon found that everybody was smiling back at me,

I treat those who come to me with complaints or grievances

in a cheerful manner, I smile as I listen to them

and I find that adjustments are accomplished much easier.

I find that smiles are bringing me dollars, many dollars

every day.

“I share my office with another broker. One of his

clerks is a likable young chap, and I was so elated about

the results I was getting that I told him recently about

my new philosophy of human relations. He then confessed

that when I first came to share my office with his

firm he thought me a terrible grouch - and only recently

changed his mind. He said I was really human when I

smiled.

“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I

give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation.

I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now

trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these

things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally

different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in

friendships and happiness - the only things that matter

much after all.”

You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things.

First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself

to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were

already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.

Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William

James put it:

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and

feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which

is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly

regulate the feeling, which is not.

“Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if

our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act

and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. . . .”

Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and

there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling

your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward

conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are

or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.

It is what you think about it. For example, two people

may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both

may have about an equal amount of money and prestige

- and yet one may be miserable and the other happy.

Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen

just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling

with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the

tropics as I have seen in air-conditioned offices in New

York, Chicago or Los Angeles.

“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare,

“but thinking makes it so.”

Abe Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about

as happy as they make up their minds to be.” He was

right. I saw a vivid illustration of that truth as I was

walking up the stairs of the Long Island Railroad station

in New York. Directly in front of me thirty or forty crippled

boys on canes and crutches were struggling up the

stairs. One boy had to be carried up. I was astonished at

their laughter and gaiety. I spoke about it to one of.the

men in charge of the boys. “Oh, yes,” he said, “when a

boy realizes that he is going to be a cripple for life, he is

shocked at first; but after he gets over the shock, he usually

resigns himself to his fate and then becomes as

happy as normal boys.”

I felt like taking my hat off to those boys. They taught

me a lesson I hope I shall never forget.

Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office

not only is lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of

making friends with other employees in the company.

Se
ñ
ora Maria Gonzalez of Guadalajara, Mexico, had

such a job. She envied the shared comradeship of other

people in the company as she heard their chatter and

laughter. As she passed them in the hall during the first

weeks of her employment, she shyly looked the other

way.

After a few weeks, she said to herself, “Maria, you

can’t expect those women to come to you. You have to

go out and meet them. ” The next time she walked to the

water cooler, she put on her brightest smile and said,

“Hi, how are you today” to each of the people she met.

The effect was immediate. Smiles and hellos were returned,

the hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier.

Acquaintanceships developed and some ripened into

friendships. Her job and her life became more pleasant

and interesting.

Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and

publisher Elbert Hubbard - but remember, perusing it

won’t do you any good unless you apply it:

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the

crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost;

drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and

put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood

and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies.

Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to

do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move

straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid

things you would like to do, and then, as the days go

gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing

upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment

of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running

tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able,

earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you

hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual.

. . . Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude -

the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer.