Human Conditioning (25 page)

The pain seared in his leg and
he glared at the beauty before him. Their time apart had worked well for Aiden.
It had allowed him to focus on his aspirations, clear his head of Gina’s
physical allure, and see her for what she really was: a self-loathing, fragile
misfit with a quick temper. She wanted more from him and he couldn’t give it to
her. He couldn’t love someone so weak and filled with self-hatred. He’d spent his
entire life watching his own father prove that a woman with no self-respect
could never be loved by a man.

He wanted to laugh at Gina
now, to degrade her and show her exactly what she meant to him at this moment. His
glacial blue eyes became a steely resemblance of his rising temper. He strode
up to her, and, before she could react to his approach, he slapped her hard
across the cheek.

Gina stumbled and the sheer
force of his assault sent her crashing to the floor. She stared wide-eyed up at
him as he loomed over her. She couldn’t speak, utterly astonished and equally
petrified. She couldn’t prevent a cry as he dragged her up by her hair and hit
her again, catching her hard across the lip.

Aiden enjoyed the look of
alarm on her face as she wiped blood away with the back of her hand. She was so
overwhelmed that she couldn’t even cry. He walked to the door then, turning
back to her, he said, “Clean yourself up and be back in the next room in five
minutes,” then he disappeared, leaving her to drag her body up onto shaking
legs.

Returning to Ashley and
Shelly, Aiden announced, “First-time jitters. She’ll be back in a bit.” 

Shelly finished her drink then
stood up from the couch and disappeared from the room. Aiden settled down in
her place and sparked up a cigarette to calm his nerves.

Gina stood before the mirror above the sink in Ashley’s
tiny bathroom and winced as she dabbed a wet tissue over the cut on her lip,
taking in her mascara-stained cheeks and glistening green eyes. There was a
quiet tap on the door and Shelly stepped in with a knowing expression on her
moderately pretty face. “Hey, girl, are you alright?” Gina instantly felt
embarrassed and angered that this stranger was witnessing her humiliation. She
didn’t answer Shelly and continued to concentrate on her lip.

Shelly sighed. She didn’t like
to get involved in other people’s business, but tonight it would be better for
the girl before her if she did. “Look, I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure
your man didn’t drag you here tonight kicking and screaming, despite what he’s
just done to you. I reckon you wanna give this a go... but then the reality of
it hits you and you lose all confidence in the idea. It’s natural. All I can
say is, I’ve been in this game for seven years and if you want me to try and
help you, I will, but I ain’t gonna beg, alright?”

Gina finally turned to her. “I
want to do it for him,” then she quickly corrected herself, “for
us
...
but I’m not sure I can.”

“You love this bloke...” It
wasn’t a question, but Gina nodded and began to sob. Shelly sighed. “Girl, he’s
a bad egg...”

“Don’t say that. He’s not
really. He’s just desperate for a better life. We both are.”

Shelly knew it would be a
pointless task attempting to educate this young girl about the train-wreck her
life would inevitably be if she allowed herself to be deceived by the good-looking
young man downstairs, all in the name of love. Oh, she could spot men like him
a mile off: irresistibly handsome and cocksure of himself, that young lad must
floor all the girls he meets with just one of his pearly-white smiles. She had
to admit to herself that even
she
had done a double-take when she’d come
in tonight and seen him standing there eyeing her up with a gleam of
opportunity in his exquisite blue eyes. She’d not seen eyes like them before. A
girl could drown herself in those eyes, and that was exactly what this poor
girl was bound to do.

“Who is he? I’ve not seen him here
before.”

“Aiden Foster...” Gina quietly
replied as if just speaking his name crippled her.

“Has he worked with Ash
before?”

Gina shook her head. “This is
our first time.”

“Look, if you’re still game,
let me help you out.” Gina stared at the woman before her for a moment then
finally nodded her agreement. “Have you been with a girl before?” Shelly asked.
Gina blushed and shook her head. “OK, take off your clothes...”

Gina’s green eyes shot up to Shelly’s
brown. “What?” she gasped.

Shelly shrugged. “It’s kind of
an essential part of the job, so take them off, in here, just in front of me.”

Gina hesitated, then sighed.
She
had
to get through tonight. She
had
to do this for Aiden. It
wasn’t the fear of him that gave her the will to do it. She
wanted
to do
it, because she wanted to believe what he’d said to her: that once they’d made
enough money, they’d move away together. 

“OK, OK...” she muttered and
dropped the blooded tissue into the bin beside the sink. She glanced one more
time in the mirror to see that the cut on her lip had stopped bleeding. She had
to swallow down the urge to cry. In all the times she and Aiden had quarrelled,
never had he hurt her like this. She dashed the image of his assault from her
mind’s eye and began to undress slowly and hesitantly.

Shelly went on, “What you need
to do is close your mind off to what is going on around you. You’re here to do
a job and to get paid at the end of it. And if you master this job, you can get
paid extremely well, especially with
your
looks. Closing your mind isn’t
easy at first, but like taking your clothes off, it’s essential to get the job
done.”

Gina was down to her bra and
knickers. Shelly looked over her body with a mixture of envy and admiration.
Not only was this girl beautiful, she was half her age with a body to die for. She
would earn well, as long as she played her cards right and mixed with the right
people. 

Gina’s arms went round her
back to unclasp her bra, but she hesitated.

“Close your eyes,” Shelly
instructed. Gina did so reluctantly. “Now think about what you did yesterday.
Or even what you plan to do tomorrow.” Shelly paused then asked, “You doing
that?” Gina’s arms fell to her side and she nodded, her eyes remaining closed. Her
mind drifted to an evening she’d spent with Aiden. She pictured his hands over
her breasts and imagined the feel of his touch around her sex. “What you
thinking?” Shelly asked, her voice breaking through Gina’s fantasy. 

“One night, when Aiden...”

“Probably best not to think of
anything sexual, especially about the man you love, who in five minutes will be
standing there watching you getting fucked by someone else.” Gina opened her
eyes and saw the disapproving look on Shelly’s face. She went to argue, to
explain her relationship with Aiden, but Shelly hurried on, “Close your eyes
again and think of something a little more mundane. Like shopping or making
your dinner. What did you eat yesterday?”

Gina closed her eyes once
more. “I had pasta for dinner,” she said.

“OK, what kind of pasta?”

“Pasta shells with tomato
sauce...”

“Picture yourself making it. What
utensils did you use? Did you use just one pan or one pan for the pasta and one
for the sauce? Was the sauce out of a jar or a packet? Did you microwave
it...?”

As Shelly continued to ask
questions, Gina began to form a picture in her mind of the tasks she’d carried
out to make her dinner the evening before. She used her mind’s eye to picture
the silver pan she’d used, picture herself having to scrub the burned bits off
the bottom where she’d attempted to make porridge a few days before. She
pictured herself having to pop back down the local shop to get more pasta
because she’d forgotten that she’d used most of it up the week before when
she’d attempted a pasta bake...

She gasped. “What are you
doing?”

Shelly’s fingers were lightly
touching the lace of Gina’s knickers. “Teaching you the art of closing your
mind off to the things that are happening around you. Please trust me,” she
replied. Gina stared into her brown eyes for a long moment before closing her
eyes once more. “Keep thinking about making your dinner. Really try hard to
close your mind off to what I’m doing.” -

Gina was back in her flat. She
was sticking the kettle on to boil. She was taking the pasta out of the
cupboard... she had to prevent a flinch when she felt Shelly’s fingers touch
her again, but she forced her mind back to her kitchen.

The fleshy tips of Shelly’s
fingers moved slowly beneath her knickers and traced over her pubic hair. Gina
closed her eyes tight and concentrated on controlling her breathing, her
quickening heart. She concentrated on her pasta, on how relieved she had been
when it had softened because she hadn’t eaten all day and she had been
starving. She concentrated on how it had tasted and how it had burned as it had
gone down because she had been too impatient to wait until it had cooled down...

She took in a sharp breath
when she felt Shelly’s fingers enter her, but she squeezed her eyes closed, emptying
her mind of the feeling of Shelly’s fingers as they filled her. She
concentrated on the washing up, the good feeling of a full stomach.

When she opened her eyes again,
Shelly was washing her hands in the sink, watching her through the reflection
of the mirror. She smiled widely, “See, not so bad, eh?”

Gina exhaled a sigh of relief
and her whole body relaxed into it. Shelly was right. If you concentrated your
mind on something else, tricked your mind into thinking you were elsewhere,
your body was willing. It was an art she would soon fully master, and she was
deeply grateful to Shelly for sharing that little piece of wisdom with her. She
wished she’d learnt it earlier. She could have used it on her father.

“What’s your full name?” Gina
asked.

“Shelly
Jane Matthews,”
Shelly replied, drying her hands. Then, taking a satin dressing gown from the back
of the bathroom door, she passed it to her. “Get your bra and knicks off and
wrap yourself in that.” She opened a small drawer beneath the sink and pulled
out a make-up bag. “I leave this here for emergencies,” she explained, holding
up the plastic case. She pulled out a stick of concealer and a lipstick. “Here,
put some concealer on that cheek. The bruise is starting to show, and put some
lipstick on that lip. Then let’s get on with this, shall we, before your face
looks like you’ve grown a tumour?” Gina took the make-up gratefully. Shelly made
to leave. Turning at the door, she added, “Remember, the key is to close your
mind.”

Gina nodded. “Thanks.” 

“No problem. Look, us girls
have got to stick together in this game, but it don’t happen often, so take the
support when you can.”

Shelly gave Gina a reassuring
smile before disappearing. Gina then took a deep breath, applied her make-up as
instructed and made her way back down into the lion’s den.

************

“Come on, G. I said I was fucking sorry!”

Aiden pounded his fist on the
door of Gina’s flat. The night had been a success. Gina had played a blinder
and Ashley had agreed to meet up again. And, once they had a full film, he
would consider a year’s contract, using Gina and anyone else Aiden recommended
– with auditions first, of course. But Gina was going to be a star. That much
was clear. She was so hot on camera that it had turned Aiden on no end. She had
a definite flair. She had been so relaxed the entire time.

Shelly had led the whole scene,
but Gina would soon learn the ropes and become the main attraction and Shelly
seemed quite willing to let that happen. She’d made a comment about getting too
old for the kind of shit that was required to make the real money in sex
videos. All Aiden needed to do now was ensure that Gina was always
experimenting in front of the camera and bring a few more actors into the fold.
He had a master plan in mind too, but he’d keep that one to himself for a
while, see how things panned out.

When there was no response
from Gina, who had sneaked off with Shelly after filming and had got a taxi
home without him, he pounded the door once again. “G! Do you want me on my fucking
knees, or what?”

A shape behind the frosted
glass of the door made him step back. “Fuck off, Aiden. I think I’ve done
enough for you for one night!” Gina yelled. 

“Come on, G, I’m really sorry
it got a bit heated between us, but I knew you could do it! I didn’t want you
giving up, that’s all. I fucking love ya, don’t I? I just wanted this to work
for the both of us!” There was a moment’s silence then he heard the door unlocking.
His eyes were beseeching and his expression apologetic when Gina swung the door
open and stared out at him. “Come on, baby, let me in. It’s fucking cold out
here...”

He searched her face. She’d
removed her make-up and it showed off her swollen, cracked lip and her cheek,
which was now a shiny purple colour. He felt a twinge of guilt, but not as much
as he should have done.

Gina stood aside and let him
pass. She was sucked in once more. Her icy determination to abandon him was now
replaced by a burning hunger for the man who stood before her looking as if he
was truly sorry for what he’d done. She couldn’t resist him, even though some
distant voice in the back of her mind was screaming at her to toss him out onto
the street and never speak to him again. But when Aiden’s hands found their way
beneath her night shirt and his soft lips found her neck, that voice was
eclipsed by a deeper yearning for his love.

“Gina Watson... an extremely
complex character. I sometimes wonder if I was the only one who really got her,
maybe because we were both of the same ilk. Yes, I probably did take advantage,
but believe me, Gina wasn’t one for doing something she didn’t want to do.”