I Am Not Esther (12 page)

Nobody knocked on the door.

‘I will get Father,’ Abraham said. Any excuse to escape from Bible study.

‘Don’t bother,’ I said. ‘It’ll just be somebody selling something. I’ll tell them to go away.’ Daniel was talking as I walked to the door, but I didn’t really listen.

I opened the door and a guy was standing there. ‘We don’t want any, thanks,’ I said.

He grinned. ‘I’m not selling. I’m looking for Kirby Greenland.’

I gasped, but before I could answer, Uncle Caleb was beside me and saying, ‘Go into the house, Esther.’

‘But Uncle … that’s me! He’s asking for me!’ I whirled round to the man, ‘Is it Mum? You know something about my mother?’

‘Go inside, Esther,’ my uncle said again. ‘I will deal with this.’ He stepped between us so that I couldn’t see the man and he stood there, his eyes boring through me.

‘Uncle Caleb, please!’ I whispered.

Daniel had come to the door. ‘Father, with your permission, I will escort Esther into the house. We will study the Scripture together for an hour.’

After about ten seconds, Uncle Caleb nodded. ‘Thank you, Daniel. Will you also explain to your sister the impropriety of answering the door herself?’

‘Yes, Father.’

Daniel stood back and motioned with his arm for me to go back into the house. He frowned and
gave his head a tiny shake when I opened my mouth to protest. So I shut it again and went inside. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. That man knew something about my mother and Uncle Caleb wouldn’t tell me, not even if hell froze over. Especially not then.

‘Wow!’ Abraham whispered. ‘I bet you’re for the discipline room tomorrow!’

Daniel pulled out a chair for me at the table. ‘Do you think,’ he said to Abraham, ‘that your words were seemly?’

Abraham grinned. ‘No, but Father can’t put us both in the discipline room.’

‘I think,’ said Daniel, ‘that some discipline is needed for you right now. You will clean the windows in our bedroom. Go now, if you please.’

It wasn’t really a punishment. We all knew Abraham would far rather do something active than sit around studying scripture. ‘Girls’ work!’ he said, but he went off cheerfully enough. Luke sighed, but stayed where he was.

Daniel then explained to me about answering the door. ‘A woman never answers a knock on the door. It is not seemly. She has no way of knowing what she may be exposing herself or her family to.’

‘Thank you, Daniel. I understand now.’ We both spoke in flat voices, saying words we didn’t mean. Our eyes asked questions neither of us knew answers to.

Uncle Caleb came back inside. Daniel kicked my
foot. I jumped up and bowed my head. ‘Uncle Caleb, please excuse my transgression. I did not understand that I was breaking the Rule.’
Who was he? Did he have news about Mum?
I’d taken the breath to ask, when Daniel’s hand clenched on my wrist.

‘Your transgression is excused, Esther. We will pray tonight for forgiveness. And in the meantime, please continue your housework.’ He marched off to the study.

‘You were supposed to read with us for an hour,’ Luke said accusingly.

Daniel smiled at him, but when he spoke, the words were for me. ‘I think our father has things on his mind.’

That night I had dreams about Mum. She was walking across a desert and she was thirsty. I remember that I woke up, crying. Then the next thing I knew Uncle Caleb was standing beside my bed calling my name. ‘Esther! Wake up. It is time to get up and prepare the food for The Meet.’

Bloody hell, it was only five o’clock. I slid down from the bunk, careful not to say anything or do anything that would get me shut in the discipline room for the day. I’d had time to realise that it was only because Daniel had come to my rescue yesterday that I was free now.

However, I didn’t totally get away with yesterday. Uncle Caleb came and sat in the kitchen all the time I was cooking and he read bits of the Bible at me. He ranted at me about the Rule.

‘Yes, Uncle Caleb,’ I said and chopped viciously at an apple.

‘Praise the Lord,’ I said, thumping down on the pastry for the apple shortcake.
Tell me what that man wanted. Tell me about my mother
.

Not a word. Of course. What did I expect?

At seven o’clock, I woke the children. By eight o’clock, we were all packed into the car — a white Toyota — along with the shortcakes and salads. The dishes were done, the beds made, the house immaculate. Holy cow. Mum would never believe it. Was she still alive? Uncle Caleb must tell me if she wasn’t. Surely?

The twins kept bouncing around, glancing at Daniel. He was driving and his face was white and strained. Today he would have to agree to marry Damaris, or … what?

Could we run away together? What about Maggie? The twins? Who would take the boys to the park?

And Aunt Naomi. If Daniel got chucked out today, she’d never see him again. Zillah would never know she had a sister called Miriam and a brother called Daniel. Or that once, for a little while, there had lived in their family a girl called … what? Esther? Kirby?

My fingers tightened on the salad bowl. Kirby. If I had to choose today as well, then I would choose to be Kirby.

We arrived at the Fellowship Centre. Church.
Why didn’t they just call it a church? It was fragrant with flowers and bright with their colours. ‘Would you look after Maggie today?’ I asked the twins.

‘Of course,’ said Rebecca. ‘You will be busy in the kitchen.’

Yeah. I’m a woman so I get to make all the important decisions, like what plate the sliced lamb will go on. There was one good thing about it though, it got me out of the prayer sessions and singing which went on all the morning. There were five of us in the kitchen — me, Damaris, Charity, Kezia and a little waif called Talitha. Kezia bossed her round: ‘Talitha will set the tables.’ The worst job. ‘Talitha can fill the urn.’ The heaviest job.

‘Drop dead, Kezia,’ I said finally. ‘You do the tables. Talitha can arrange the flowers.’

‘But Kezia always does them,’ Charity protested.

‘Yeah, so why should she grab all the fun jobs and make Talitha do the bum stuff?’ I demanded.

‘I do not mind,’ Talitha whispered.

‘Well, you should,’ I said. ‘You’ve got just as much right to enjoy life as she has!’

They stared at me, even Kezia shut her mouth. But Talitha was the first to move. She crept out to the dining hall and started setting the tables. I shrugged. Let her be a door mat. It was nothing to do with me. I was Kirby, not Esther.

The Meet bit didn’t start until after lunch. I thought we’d miss the first bit while we did mountains of dishes. But there was music coming
from the hall and a shuffling, thumping noise. ‘What are they doing?’ I asked.

Kezia turned up her nose so she could look down it when she answered, ‘Dancing, of course.’

I didn’t believe it but it was true. I opened the door a crack and there in front of me was a whole hall full of weird people doing what looked horribly like line dancing. I wanted to shriek with laughter, but then I saw Maggie. She was between Daniel and Abraham, her face was lit up like a Christmas tree and she was biting her bottom lip she was concentrating so hard. Then I wanted to cry. Poor bloody little kid. Today for sure, she was going to lose her big brother.

I shut the door and went back to the dishes. Damaris was washing but it was easy to see her mind wasn’t on the job.

‘Damaris! You are not getting these plates clean!’ Kezia scolded.

Damaris jumped and water sloshed onto her apron. ‘I am sorry! I am finding it difficult to concentrate today!’

‘I think you’re crazy!’ I burst out. ‘How can you even think about getting married! You’re not even fourteen! You don’t even get your period yet!’

She took her hands out of the soapy water and shook them. ‘You must speak for yourself, Esther, and not presume to speak for me.’ She dried her hands on a tea towel, carefully folded it and put it back on the rail. ‘I have prayed about this, and it is the course my parents have chosen for me with love.’
She stared at me gravely. ‘It is you who are to be pitied, Esther. Deeply pitied.’

Shit and bloody hell.

We finished the dishes in silence with a great, gaping chasm between me and the four of them. We changed our aprons for clean ones before we went out to join the rest of the community in the Place of Fellowship. Hall.

Each family sat together. There was a space beside Uncle Caleb that showed Aunt Naomi was with us in spirit. At least, that’s what Rachel told me at afternoon tea. There was no space for Miriam. I sat between Daniel and Rebecca. Apparently we had to sit in order of age. I glanced at Maggie. She was still excited in spite of spending the morning on her knees.

An old guy with a bit of white hair struggling for survival on his shiny head started things off. ‘Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today to discuss things of weight and import to our community. We have called on the Lord to bless our deliberations. Let us now begin. Will the Council of Elders please join me.’ What had Charity said, that day in the garden? Something about Damaris’s grandfather being the leader. Old Baldy, therefore, had to be her grandpa.

There were eleven empty chairs lined up on the stage. There was a bit of movement as the eleven Elders made their way to the chairs. All men, of course. One empty chair. Only ten Elders.

I didn’t have long to wonder who the other chair belonged to. Uncle Caleb. The first piece of business was whether he should be allowed to sit in it again.

An Elder, who had to be Damaris’s father because he had exactly the same eyebrows that tilted up at the ends, stood up and said, ‘Brothers and sisters. We must decide if our brother Caleb Pilgrim is fit to lead us again or whether he should be stood down forever from the Council of Elders. The loss of a daughter in such circumstances cannot help but call into question the devoutness of the family.’

He’d been chucked out because of Miriam?

Beside me, Daniel sucked in a breath, and I could feel the stiffness of his arm.

‘Brother Caleb,’ commanded Old Baldy, ‘you may speak.’

Uncle Caleb stood up and walked out to the front. ‘Brothers and sisters,’ he began, ‘my family has been visited by much affliction during these past months. We have all prayed to be cleansed of our impurities. We have repented of our transgressions. We ask only to be able to live according to the Rule. My brothers, I would willingly serve the community again as an Elder. But if it is the will of the Lord, I will serve with equal devotion and loyalty as an ordinary member.’

I had to admire him. Everyone knew he loved being the boss and here he was grovelling on the floor and inviting them all to walk over him.

Dorcas’s husband, I forget his name, stood up.
‘Brothers and sisters, I have prayed for guidance over this matter and it has come to me that our Brother Caleb has much to offer this community. He should be allowed to serve us.’

One by one, they stood up and said how the Lord had told them Brother Caleb was a right hot dude and ought to be allowed to work his butt off for them. Damaris’s father was the only one the Lord had told different. But Old Baldy said, ‘Through the Elders, the Lord has spoken. We are pleased to readmit you to the rank of Elder, Brother Caleb.’

Uncle Caleb got down on his knees and said, ‘I thank the Lord in his infinite wisdom. I promise to serve Him well.’

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!

Daniel’s arm gave a convulsive twitch.

The next piece of business was the move to Nelson. I felt sick. One by one, the Elders gave their opinion. Always starting with, ‘Brothers and Sisters, I have prayed to the Lord over this matter and it has come to me that …’

All the Elders were in favour of going. Uncle Caleb said, ‘The world is too much a part of the lives of our children, despite our best efforts. While our children must attend secular schools, we cannot hope to monitor their thoughts and deeds as we would wish.’

Everybody knew about Miriam. There was a lot of nodding of heads and murmuring after he’d spoken. Old Baldy then invited the ordinary
members to speak. Apparently this meant men only and married men at that. Daniel made no attempt to offer an opinion. Even Thomasina’s dorky husband was allowed to have his say — he had prayed, he said, and it had come to him that it would be better to stay in Wanganui because all the men had work here.

That went down like a dead duck. Apparently the Lord was going to get them all work in Nelson too.

So they had another prayer after all the men had spoken. I was the only one who didn’t bow my head. I was raging. What about the women? Didn’t those guys care what their wives thought? I managed to duck my head before Old Baldy came to the final Praise the Lord. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for showing how wild the kids were because they went to ordinary schools.

It didn’t matter. The Lord had decided the community would go to Nelson. They would all leave in three months and …

I didn’t hear any more. Three months? We couldn’t. I would have to leave school. What if Mrs Fletcher still hadn’t found Mum by then? The shock waves crashed in my brain and hurt my chest. And then I remembered — I was meant to be leaving in a week anyway. Why didn’t it seem real?

We all stood up and sang. It was difficult to breathe. The high neck of my blouse choked me and I must’ve done up my apron too tightly.

Daniel touched my hand briefly as we sat down again but he didn’t turn his head to look at me.
Not with Ira sitting behind us.

We stopped then for afternoon tea. I helped put out cream sponges and lamingtons. Sausage rolls and chocolate eclairs. Coffee cake and savory scones. Damaris poured tea with careful concentration. Three months. I saw my hands passing cups and saucers — hands that didn’t seem to be connected to my arms.

Gideon came to get himself a cup of tea. He waited until Kezia was pouring so that he had to be served by Damaris. ‘I wish you well, Sister Damaris,’ he said.

‘I thank you, Brother Gideon,’ she whispered back.