I Heart Me (22 page)

One of the stumbling blocks that gets in the way of self-love or self-compassion for some people is not being able to forgive themselves. ‘How can I love myself when I did
that
?' is a common sentiment.

This is where self-forgiveness comes in. You're not alone if you have regrets. Everyone has them. Some people have major regrets and some people have minor ones. But the important thing to know is that
everyone
has them.

For our own health and sanity, it's important to be able to move past these blocks. For a start, forgiveness, like self-compassion,
is extremely healthy. Research has shown that forgiveness, either of ourselves or others, is good for the heart.
¹
It actually widens our arteries and increases blood flow to the heart. It also reduces blood pressure and heart rate. It improves coronary function in people who have had a heart attack. It improves the immune system. People who learn to forgive are less likely to feel depressed, angry, resentful, hurt, stressed, anxious or have a need for revenge. On the whole, forgiveness is a very healthy thing indeed.

Try the following self-forgiveness process on for size.

SELF-LOVE GYM:
Self-Forgiveness

• Reflect on some of the ways in which forgiveness is good for your health (listed above). Some people find it useful to draw this as a picture. For example, you might draw your heart with a smiley face on it or a picture of yourself looking relaxed and at peace.
  
• Is judging yourself for past mistakes doing you any good? If not, why not? For example, is it affecting your health – mental or physical? Think about this. Is it holding you back in your life?
  
• How could your life be better if you let go of thinking about yourself in this way?
  
• Write a positive statement or an affirmation that will help you whenever the old way of thinking pops into your mind again. You might use something like ‘I choose to let this go and in doing so I set myself free.'
  
• Now work on some self-compassion. Reflect on how everyone makes mistakes, makes errors of judgement, hurts people, loses sight of themselves from time to time… Reflect on the fact that we're only human.
  
• Now consider what your inner Buddha would say to you about this issue. If you were helping a loved one to forgive and they had this issue, what would you say to them and how would you say it?
  
• Atonement. This isn't always necessary, but do it if it feels important to you. If you have hurt or offended someone in the past, is there a way that you can make amends now? Could you apologize? Or could you act in some other way to balance things out? For instance, if you once hurt an ex-partner by having an affair, could you make a donation to a charity that supports people in distress?
  

The self-forgiveness process can be done as often as you feel it's necessary until the issue is sufficiently resolved. Many people like to do it weekly on the same issue for four to six weeks. Others like to do it daily over four consecutive days. The thing with forgiveness is that it's a process that shouldn't be rushed. It's not about looking for that magic bullet, that single thought that releases all pain from the past. OK, that sometimes happens, but for most people, most of the time, revisiting an issue repetitively is the most powerful way of finding some peace.

Here's another, very simple, self-forgiveness process:

SELF-LOVE GYM:
‘What Was My Intention?'

Let's say you hurt someone's feelings once and you regret it. Say it was a spouse, family member or close friend (these are the most common).

• Did you really mean to hurt the person or were you just overwhelmed or confused? Ask yourself, ‘What was my intention?' Get past the surface stuff of what you were thinking at the time, even if you were angry and wanted to hurt the person.
  
• Imagine standing there as an observer and looking at your own face. Does your face look angry? What's underneath the anger? Hurt, perhaps? Pain?
  
• Look even closer. What's underneath that? Fear? Fear of not being loved? Fear of loss of connection or belonging?
  
• Ask yourself again, ‘What was my intention? Did I want to hurt the other person or did I want them to understand my pain or my fear?'
  

No one
really
wants to hurt someone else (with a few exceptions). That's why we feel so bad afterwards, why we feel regret. It's actually our love for a person that often causes us to lash out. Perhaps we love someone but fear they will stop loving us back.

How many times have you uttered the words ‘I didn't mean to hurt you'? And I bet you really didn't. So this is a useful exercise in self-compassion and self-forgiveness because it helps to remind you that it's usually fear that motivates hurtful words or behaviour, and underneath the fear lies love.

This doesn't change what happened, but it allows you to be a little more sensitive towards your own pain of regret.

Forgiving others is a natural side effect of self-love. It's also why some people resist self-love work: ‘I don't want to start feeling compassion for people who deserve what they get. I'm not letting them off the hook!'

Forgiveness isn't about saying that someone's behaviour was acceptable. It's simply a choice to let go of the past so that we can move on with our future.

Holding on to anger about someone else is also quite unhealthy and the benefits of forgiveness are many, especially for the heart and emotions.

SELF-LOVE GYM:
A Process for Forgiving Others

Here's the process for forgiving others. You'll notice that it's very similar to the self-forgiveness process.

• Reflect on how and why forgiveness is good for your health.
  
• Ask yourself if it's doing you any good to hold on to the past. If not, why not? What have been some of the consequences of holding on to a past hurt or grievance?
  
• Write down how forgiveness will positively affect your future.
  
• Write down a positive statement or an affirmation to say to yourself the next time a thought about the issue comes up. You might use something like, ‘
  I choose to let this go and in doing so I set myself free
  .'
  
• Many people tell others about their past, especially when they meet new people. If this is you, and your past is full of old grievances, write down a different way of talking about your past that reflects your intent to move ahead positively. Then you will have it ready the next time you meet someone new.
  
• Build empathy. Reflect on the fact that you've also hurt people in the past. Remind yourself that we're all human. Find a little understanding of the person who hurt you, no matter how difficult that may be. This isn't about letting them off scot-free. It's just so that you can find a little more peace in yourself.
  
• Write down some of the benefits of what happened to you. For instance, if your partner had an affair in the past, you might reflect on the fact that
  you have a new partner, children and great friends that you might never have had if you'd stayed with that person.
  
• The purpose of this step is to change your perception of the past.
  

Like the self-forgiveness process, this is also a process that shouldn't be rushed. You can do it daily or weekly until you feel the issue has been resolved to a sufficient degree.

Chapter 12

What Are You Doing for Yourself?

‘What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does.'

N
ATHANIEL
B
RANDEN
,
T
HE
S
IX
P
ILLARS OF
S
ELF
-E
STEEM

It's an important question! Seriously, what are you doing for yourself?

Given you're reading this book, I'll take a guess at not very much. Don't worry; you're not alone.

Maybe you've gone so long without doing anything for yourself, while giving a lot of your time, love, care and attention to others, that if I were to ask you, ‘What do you want?' or ‘What do you need?', you'd think for a second and say, ‘Nothing, really.' But I'll bet that it's not that you actually
don't
want or need anything. It's just that you've gone so long not doing anything for yourself that it's become quite difficult, alien even, to think of what you
do
want. This is a common symptom of ‘I'm
not
enough.'

But is it really true that you couldn't do with some time for yourself? Is it really true that you wouldn't like to organize your life more, or focus a bit more on pursuing a hope or a dream, or reading books that you've forgotten you enjoy? Or even making space in your life for a relationship if you're single or adding more zing to a relationship if you're attached?

Would you like to have more meaning in your life? Would you like to have a sense of purpose that makes you excited about getting out of bed in the morning because you can't wait to start your day? Would you like to have mastery over your finances instead of having too much month left at the end of your money? Would you like to be physically fitter or to improve your diet?

It's hard to think these things when you're in
not
enough because it doesn't seem possible. Normal is being there for everyone else. It's like a well-worn path. Believe me, I know what that feels like. I'm writing these words from experience. I was that person who always responded with, ‘Nothing, really.' I actually took pride in not wanting anything. I convinced myself it was an enlightened thing. The truth is, I just wasn't used to focusing on what I needed, so I no longer knew what I needed. I'd forged an identity as the person who was always kind. I attached my self-worth to that identity. The trouble was, I'd forgotten that I also needed to be kind to myself.