I Want to Hold Your Hand (27 page)

She didn’t want to think about that now, but she couldn’t push the memory away. It refused to budge.

Nolan must’ve sensed her distress because he raised his head and looked down at her. “Hannah . . . Look at me, honey.”

She forced her gaze up to meet his.

“I love you. Focus on me. Hold on to me.”

As he said the words, he began to move again, slowly, less urgently, the gentle glide of his flesh against hers once again requiring her full attention. The memory became less focused as she stared up at Nolan, watching a range of emotions play out on his face—desire, concern, love.

He loved her. She’d known of course, but to hear him say the words when she most needed to hear them had gotten her through the crisis.

“Hold on to me, Hannah. I’ll never let you go.”

She gripped his shoulders, her fingers digging into his flesh as he picked up the pace, his hands holding her bottom tightly to keep her in place for his deep strokes. And then he was kissing her, the thrusts of his tongue mimicking the deep thrusts of his cock, and the combination took her right back to the brink of release.

She teetered until he pressed his fingers between her legs and sent her over, going with her on a wild ride that had them clinging to each other through the storm.

Nolan withdrew and rolled to the side, bringing her with him.

As she was using him for a pillow, she could hear his pounding heartbeat as his chest rose and fell quickly, the scent of the massage oil filling the air around them. He put his other arm around her, securing her to his side.

After a long silence, he said, “Talk to me, Hannah. Tell me everything you’re thinking.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

She flattened her hand on his belly and felt his abs ripple beneath her palm. “I’m thinking that was amazing.”

“On that we agree. What else?”

“I’m thinking that the smell of massage oil will always remind me of being here with you.”

“What else?”

Her hand glided over his stomach, aided by the slight sheen of perspiration and the residual oil. “You said you love me.”

“I do. I have for a long time.”

“I know. I love you, too.” She tipped her head so she could see his face. “You know that, don’t you?”

“I know you love me as a good friend.”

“I love you as so much more than that, Nolan, or I wouldn’t be lying naked in your arms.”

The hand cupping her shoulder tightened and his lips pressed against her forehead. “There’s only one thing you could give me that would mean more to me than your love, Hannah.”

“What’s that?”

“Your trust.”

“You have that. You know you do.”

“Then tell me what else you were thinking about.”

He saw her so clearly, which made her feel naked emotionally as well as physically. “The last time I was with Caleb,” she said softly. “I didn’t want to think about that, especially not now, but the memory popped into my head and wouldn’t go away.”

“I thought of him, too.”

Surprised by his confession, Hannah said, “What about him?”

Nolan raised his arm and ran his fingers through his hair. “I hoped he’d forgive me for what I was about to do with you. I guess I’ll find out when our paths cross in the afterlife.”

“Would you mind grabbing my bag for me?”

“Now?”

She nodded. “Please.”

“Sure.”

They disentangled their limbs and he got up, striding confidently across the room like it was no big deal to walk around naked in front of her. Hannah took advantage of the opportunity to check out the chiseled muscles on his back and the round cheeks of his ass. She’d like to bite him there, she thought, immediately mortified by where her thoughts had gone.

“Why are you blushing?” he asked when he dropped her weekend bag on the far side of the bed.

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Now tell me why. You’re trusting me, remember?”

“I was admiring your backside.”

“Is that right?”

“Uh-huh. It was giving me all kinds of ideas.”

“Such as?” As he stood by the bed looking down at her, his cock twitched and lengthened.

Hannah wanted to crawl under the pillow and hide from the challenging look he sent her way, but instead she looked him square in the eyes. “Let’s just say there were teeth involved.”

His breath escaped through his lips in a hiss of surprise that made his eyes go dark as his erection surged. He stretched out next to her, facedown on the bed, looking over his shoulder at her, the dare obvious in his eyes. “Do it.”

In her family, backing down from a dare meant weeks of ridicule. Hannah released the tight hold she had on the bedcovers and let them fall to her waist, watching his gaze shift to her breasts. She leaned over his back, kissing a trail over rigid muscle to the dimpled indents at the base of his spine before continuing on to her target, tormenting him with open mouth kisses over both taut cheeks before finally taking a bite of the right one.

He gasped and fisted the sheets. “Do it again.” His voice was gruff and raspy with desire.

She marked the other side with her teeth, and he groaned.

“Turn over.”

“Hannah . . .”

“Turn over.”

His muscles flexed as he complied with her order. When he was settled on his back, he watched her with hooded eyes, waiting to see what she would do.

Hannah knelt between his legs, running her hands over his thighs as she eyed the formidable erection lying on his belly.

“Come here,” he said, holding out his arms to her.

She stretched out on top of him, and sighed with contentment when he wrapped his arms tightly around her.

“You’re full of surprises,” he said.

“I have to keep you guessing.”

His rumbling chuckle made her smile. “So far so good.”

After a long period of quiet, she said, “What’re you thinking about?”

“You and how awesome it is to be with you this way. And I can’t help thinking about Caleb and hoping he’d approve.”

“I want to show you something.”

“More tricks?”

“Not now. Maybe later.”

“Oh something to look forward to. What do you want to show me?”

“A letter.”

“Okay . . .”

“From Caleb.”

“Oh.”

Hannah lifted her head from his chest so she could see his face, which was unreadable at the moment. “Amelia gave it to me the other day. Apparently, he’d asked her to hold on to it until she felt I was ready for it.”

“Oh God, Hannah. Why didn’t you say something? I could’ve . . . I don’t know . . . I would’ve been there when you read it. If you wanted me to.”

“You’re sweet to worry, but it was something I needed to do myself. I hope you understand.”

“I do. Of course I do. You don’t have to show it to me. That’s between you and him.”

“It is, but I want to share it with you because I think it’ll help for you to know what he wanted for me.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.” She reached for the bag he’d put on the other side of the bed and unzipped the pocket where she’d stashed the letter. When she handed the pages to him, she settled next to him, curled into the crook of his arm so she could read it again with him.

He grunted out a laugh at Caleb’s opening line about admitting he was wrong about something, but then Nolan’s breathing slowed as his eyes flew over the first page and then the second. When he was done, his eyes closed and he released a deep, shuddering breath and then folded the pages and gave them back to her.

Hannah stashed the letter in her bag.

“I said this to you when it happened, but I feel like I need to say it again. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Touched by his words, Hannah kissed his cheek and then his lips. “And I’m sorry for yours.”

“It was so
him
, you know? Sounded like him . . .”

“Yes.”

“Reading that was a punch to the gut for me, so I can’t imagine what it was like for you.”

“It wasn’t the easiest thing I ever did, but Amelia chose the right time to give it to me. I was ready for it now in a way I wouldn’t have been before now, before I knew it was actually possible for me to love someone else.”

“Is that why you’d been crying earlier?”

She nodded. “I didn’t feel right leaving with you until I’d taken that last step with him, and it was hard.”

His arms banded around her, crushing her to his chest. “Thank you for sharing it with me and for letting me know that Caleb wanted this for you. I don’t know if he would’ve wanted it for you with me . . .”

“Why not you? He loved you.”

“I know he did, but he might’ve preferred you to fall for someone he hadn’t known.”

“He didn’t specify, Nolan. He didn’t set limits on who I was allowed to fall for. He trusted me to know what was best for me—and who was best for me.”

“And that’s me?”

“Who else could it ever be? We’ve been dancing around this for years. In the back of my mind, I knew all along that when I was ready, you’d be there for me.”

“You might’ve mentioned that to me.”

Hannah laughed at his indignant tone. “Did I put you through hell?”

“No, not really. The only hell was in wondering if you’d ever be ready. I couldn’t believe it when you showed up at the Grange that night, and when you danced with me and let me drive you home and kiss you . . . Whoa, talk about hope.”

“You can thank Cameron for that. She talked me into going.”

“Remind me to thank her the next time I see her.”

“In all the time you spent waiting for me . . . Was there anyone else?”

“Here and there. Nothing serious.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

He turned on his side to face her. “Not like this.”

The raw emotion in his words and on his face undid her. “I’m afraid I’ll hurt you somehow. That I won’t turn out to be what you waited so long to have or I’ll freak out at some point and take a step back or—”

With his hand cupping the back of her head, he pulled her into a kiss that stole the words off her lips and scrambled her brain. “First of all,” he said when they had no choice but to come up for air, “you are
everything
I waited so long to have and then some. If you need to freak out, freak out. I’m not going anywhere. If you feel the need to take a step back, tell me and we’ll figure it out. But you should know that after waiting so long to be with you, I’m going to fight like hell to make this work.”

Aroused by his words and the emotion she heard behind them, Hannah ran a finger down the center of his chest, over his belly and down to where he throbbed against her leg. Curling her hand around his erection, she stroked him gently.

“What are you up to?” he asked. His voice sounded strained.

“Nothing much.”

“That doesn’t feel like nothing much. That feels like you starting something.”

“Maybe I am.”

“I don’t want you to be sore, honey. It’s been a while.”

“I’m okay.” She gave him a little push to get him to turn onto his back. When she had him where she wanted him, she straddled him.

His fingers pressed into her hips. “I wish you could see how hot you look right now with your hair loose around your shoulders and your lips swollen from kissing me. How can you think you’re not everything I could ever want?” He gripped her hands and held on tight as she took him in, wincing from the stretch and burn. “Are you sore?”

“A little, but it’s a good kind of sore.”

“Go slow.” Releasing her hands, he cupped her breasts and ran his thumbs over her nipples. He shuddered when she took him deeper. “Christ, you’re so tight, Hannah.”

“Is that good?”

“So good. You have no idea . . .”

She rolled her hips and took him to the hilt, making both of them moan with the sheer pleasure.

Nolan cupped her bottom and sat up, positioning her arms and legs around him and bringing his chest in tight against hers. “Oh yeah,” he whispered. “Like that. Just like that.”

Hannah was swept away on a sea of desire that overtook all her senses. The initial soreness subsided into an ache of a different kind as he guided her with his hands squeezing her bottom as his chest hair abraded her nipples. She managed to hold on until he pressed his fingers to her core and sent her crashing over the edge of release.

He went with her, holding on tight through the storm.

Clinging to him in the aftermath, Hannah was filled with gratitude for the second chance she’d been given, for the man who’d waited until she was ready for him and for the gift Caleb’s letter had given her, freeing her to love again.

CHAPTER 19

We talk a lot about starting a family, but I’m not sure Caleb is ready. His drinking and partying is something we fight about. He wants to have a baby, but I want a husband who’s a grown-up before I bring a child into our family. It never goes over well when I say that to him, but I’m going to spend enough time raising kids on my own while he’s deployed. When he’s home, I need him to be committed to fatherhood more than he is to having a good time. It’s a source of tension between us that I wish we could resolve.