If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (68 page)

“So your first day full day as a dad. How does it feel?” I joke with him. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and smiles.

He chuckles. “Not too bad.” He gestures towards the couch.

“Sure,” I say. He sits down, stretching out his long legs. I should have already offered him a seat. He’s wearing a brown pair of Timberland boots and jeans, his big khaki jacket is back.

“So. Mr. Scott?” I ask him curiously, remembering the girl downstairs.

“Oh, Amanda. She’s a student at the school where I teach,” he says simply, and my mouth falls open.

“You’re a teacher?” I ask surprised.

“Well. A substitute, “he says modestly.

“That’s great. So you have your bachelor’s degree?” I ask him and he nods.

Wow.

Cal didn’t have any respect for or interest in higher education.

“So Amanda was one of your students,” I guess.

“Yeah, I think she might have a crush on me.” He laughs.
Thinks?
I’m sure she and every other girl in his school.

“Yeah, I think you broke her heart when you told her you had a daughter.” I giggle, and he shrugs.

“So how are we going to do this?” he asks, adjusting his position so he’s facing me. His demeanor changes so abruptly that I’m caught off guard. “I mean with Caylen. I really want to be involved. My parents love her. I know we live pretty far apart but we can make this work, right?” he asks for my assurance and I nod.

“Yeah. Caylen has really taken to you guys. Whatever I can do to make things easier,” I say honestly. And I see the worry on his face disappear.

“Good,” he says, his eyes light up and it causes my stomach to do flips.

“Y
ou’re what?” Raven doesn’t even try to remove the sharpness from her voice.

“It’s just going to be three weeks. It’s not that big a deal,” I say calmly as I brush out my hair. Truth is, I’m far from calm about this. I’m nervous, a little scared, and anxious. But I can’t let Raven see that I’m unsure about this. When I talked to Chris about going back for three weeks it was so easy to say yes while looking into those warm green eyes. They’re coaxing and intoxicating. He has a way of easing you into doing what he wants with a shy smile and bright eyes. I would have told him I’d wear a clown suit and heels just to be near him. At the time, it didn’t seem complicated or like a dumb idea at all. It wasn’t even a big deal. But as the time for me to go approaches, I begin to see the problem. It is a big deal, and it’s a very big deal to Raven. She’s tapping her foot, her arms folded across her chest as she’s standing in my bedroom.

“I don’t like this, Lauren. I really don’t like this,” she says, shaking her head. I shouldn’t have said anything but I don’t want to feel like a child that has to sneak around and hide, especially since she’s looking at me like I’m about to be punished.

“It’s not for you to like. This isn’t about you, Raven. This is what I think is best for Caylen,” I say adamantly.

“You don’t think I want what’s best for Caylen?” she asks in disbelief.

“You don’t think that
I
want what’s best for her?” I ask with thinly veiled sarcasm.

“I think that your judgment is a little clouded.”

And here she goes.

“I believe you should hold off getting her so involved with Cal…”

“Chris. His name is Chris,” I interrupt her, and she rolls her eyes.

“Involved with
Chris
until he’s gotten some type of hold on his mental state.”

I knew this was coming. She comes closer and I can see her face in the mirror.

“He’s not dangerous, Raven. I’m not worried about him hurting her!” I say pointedly.

“What about him hurting
you
?” she says firmly. I let out a sigh and look away from her gaze.

“I’m not worried about that either,” I retort.

“You can’t break what’s already broken,” I mutter under my breath as I finish my braid and tie it at the end. I stand up and she grabs my shoulder. “Almost broken.” I roll my eyes at her and get up to put on my gym shoes.

“You’re not broken yet. I can see it in your eyes. I know you, Lauren. You haven’t given up hope.”

“What’s so bad about having a little hope, Raven? Is it such a bad thing?” I ask her, but I know the answer to that. I just wish someone could make me feel a little better about it. Raven lets out a deep sigh and I know she’s not going to be the one to do it.

Angela. I should have told Angela first.

“Honey. You’ve been through so much with Cal—this man. He’s put you through so much,” she says solemnly, but maybe it’s better if she yells. Anything’s better than her somberness. It makes me feel pathetic

“You know, I was a big supporter of the two of you, but he’s damaged goods. He’s in love with another woman.”
First knife through my heart.
“You’ve given him the okay to move on.”
Second knife.
“You say that he isn’t Cal and if that’s true, he doesn’t love you that way.”
Screw the knife.
She’s ripped out my heart and is stomping on it.

She takes my hand as if it will make her words hurt less. I bite my lip, I refuse to cry. This is stuff I already know and I’ve told myself a thousand times. “I don’t want to see you hurt any more. You need to let him go,” she says, stressing the last part.

Let him go.

She’s not the first to say it. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. She’s right about every single thing she’s said. I just wish it were as easy to do as everyone seems to think it is.

“You said Chris wants to be a part of her life, and honey, that’s great. But just because he’s going to be a big part of Caylen’s life doesn’t mean he has to be a big part of yours.”

I take my hand away from her.

“Have you both talked about the status of your marriage, getting a di—”

She stops when I shoot her a warning glare.

“Can you just stop?!” I plead with her and let out a deep breath. She never knows when to let up. She keeps going and going and each statement feels like another brick on my chest.

“I want what’s best for you, Lauren. You deserve to be happy,” she says quietly before picking up Caylen and leaving the room. I throw myself on the bed. I was heading to the gym, but now I feel like just crawling under the covers and sleeping the day away. But I won’t. I might as well get prepared for this. I told Raven first about going to Madison so that Caylen can spend time with the Scotts and her dad. I still have two other people to tell. I’m so tired of defending myself and my decisions about my child to people. At the end of the day, any decision I make,
I’m
going to have to deal with the fallout.

Well, that’s not completely true. If I really do end up broken, they’ll have to deal with
that
fallout.

I push myself up from the bed and head down to the living room. Raven’s sitting on the sofa reading a book while Caylen’s on the floor playing with her toys. I steal a quick kiss from her and before I leave I double back and kiss Raven on the cheek. She looks at me surprised. “I love you. I understand that you only want what’s best for me.” She smiles warmly at me and squeezes my shoulder.

“I’ll only be about an hour,” I say as I head out of the door.

After the gym, a long shower, and Chinese food, Raven and Caylen are both asleep. It’s only 7:45 p.m. I think that what we ordered contributed to Raven’s early nap. Caylen is usually asleep about this time. I clean up the last of her toys scattered around the floor and my heart skips a beat when I hear my phone buzz. It’s my favorite ringtone.

His
ringtone.

I quickly finish putting Caylen’s toys in the bin and turn off the television. I grab my phone, head to my room, and flop on my bed. I don’t look at it until I’m good and comfortable.

How are you guys?

It’s very wrong that his texts are something I look forward to now. It’s been two weeks since we were with him. He sends them in the morning and usually around four. We started Skyping the day after I got home. I think it’s helped ease the awkwardness of the whole situation. It’s never long, only about five to ten minutes. It’s usually him talking to Caylen and me answering him about her day.

We talk
through
Caylen.

But I look forward to the texts more than the Skyping. They’re specifically for me. Well not really. Things like this make me feel pathetic. He didn’t say “how are my girls” or ask about me in particular, but it still makes my day.

I think about the conversation I had with Raven earlier. She’s right. God she’s right. Still I can’t shake the tingling feeling shooting up my neck or the way my day seems to start to feel better when I get these simple texts. How did I end up like this? I know there are so many reasons I shouldn’t feel like this. Why I shouldn’t let myself feel like this about them. But not one of those reasons stops the feelings that wrap around me like chains. Chains I want, but that I need to get rid of. I take a deep breath and quickly text back:

Caylen’s great :)

Short, direct, and to the point. Well, the smiley face was to let him know I wasn’t being a bitch. I want to ask him how his day was. What he did, if he thought about me, but of course I don’t ask any of those things. I grab my pillow and pull it closer to me. I think about how Cal and I used to text when we first got together. They weren’t like this though. Cal’s would start off cordially enough and would end with how good he was with his tongue and all the places he wanted to put it. Not much later he’d be at my door to show me. Then when things got bad his texts made me want to break my phone as a substitute for his face. My phone alert goes off again. It’s one word.