If I Fall (28 page)

“You sure she's not gonna get pissed?” he asked.

“
She's at work,” I said. “It's fine.”

He looked like he wasn't sure he believed me but he didn't say anything more.

“So, I tried to talk to Aidan,” I said and then explained how the scene in the parking lot went down.

“
He got pissed?” Case asked when I was finished.

I nodded.

He was quiet for a minute, thinking. “That's not so good,” he said. “I don't like that.”

“
Me, either. I think that's why I chickened out.”

“
Probably a smart thing to do,” he said. He sighed.

“
I guess,” I said. “I just want it done.”

“
I know you do.”

“
I mean, I'm ready, Case. I want to do this. I need to do this.”

And I did. Not because I wanted to jump into a relationship with Case. But because I was ready to jump out of the relationship I was in, the relationship that had pulled me down, even further from where I'd been.

“So call him.”

I peered down the hallway toward the kitchen. My phone was just visible on top of the counter. “I'm not supposed to use my phone.”

He reached in his pocket and pulled out his. “Use mine.”

I looked at the phone and then back at him. “You really want me to do this, don't you?”

He nodded. “Yeah. But for you. Not for me or anyone else. For you. I swear.”

I believed him.

I took the phone and, relying on my shaky memory, punched in what I hoped was Aidan's number.

“
Yo,” he answered.

“
It's me,” I said, my stomach immediately knotting at his voice.

“
Meg?” he asked. “Whose number is this?”

“
A friend's,” I answered. “Sara won't let me use my phone.”

“
Ah, right,” he said. “So, what's going on?”

“
I want to talk,” I said. “About our conversation this afternoon.”

He chuckled into the phone. “Well, I'm a little busy at the moment.”

“Busy?”

“
Down at Riviera,” he said. “A little bonfire. And a few other things.”

It shouldn't have surprised me but it did. He'd spent all afternoon partying and there he was, on a school night, getting even more wasted. I swallowed hard. Because, if Sara hadn't intervened when she did, I was pretty sure I would have been right by his side.

“Look, I don't want to make this a big deal,” I said, glancing at Case. “I...I just want you to know that I want a break. From us.”

“
Yeah, you said that earlier,” he said. “But I'm not listening.”

“
Aidan, I don't...”

“
Hey, good girl,” he said. “I'll make you a deal. You get yourself down here to the beach and you look me in the eye and you tell me you want a break and I'll give you a hug and we'll go our separate ways. But I'm not listening to this shit over the phone.”

“
Aidan, I can't because—”

The line went dead.

I squeezed the phone in my hand, then chucked it at the sofa. I couldn't believe I'd let him just blow me off again. And I couldn't believe I'd thought I was in love with him. Ever.

“
Come on,” I said to Case.

He looked at me, puzzled. “Where are we going?”

I reached for his hand and pulled him off the couch. “The beach. So I can tell him to his face.”

“
You aren't supposed to leave.”

“
I know. But I have to. Now.”

“
Your aunt is gonna be seriously pissed,” he warned.

I pulled him toward the door. “She'll forgive me for this. Trust me. It's worth it.”

FORTY

I couldn't find Aidan at the beach.

It took us ten minutes to get down to Riviera, ten minutes of silence as we sat in Case's truck, me looking out the window, my hands twisting as I thought about what I was heading into. Case parked the truck and pulled the key out of the ignition. He jerked his head toward a crowd of people about a block up the road, lingering by the steps.

“
That's it.”

I nodded. I thought there were close to two hundred people on the sand as Case and I descended the stairs. Bodies stood close to one another in the dark and the flames of the bonfire shot high into the air, snapping and popping loudly. It reminded me very much of the night I'd met Aidan and I shivered at the memory.

“Any clue where he's at?” Case asked, shielding his eyes as he scanned the crowd.

“
None,” I said. “But I'll find him.” I looked at him. “And I need to do it without you, alright?”

His expression grew worried. “I'm not sure I like that.”

“It'll be fine,” I said. “He's all bark and no bite. And I need to do it.”

I did. I didn't want anyone doing it for me or helping me. It had to be me, and me alone. I wanted Aidan to see that I didn't need him. Me. Without Sara telling me or Case backing me up. Just me. Confronting him. Telling him. I was glad Case was there, but I was going to take care of it.

I nudged him toward the bonfire. “Go be social or something.”

“
Not really my thing.”

“
I know,” I said, smiling. “So go pretend.”

“
Meg, I...”

“
Go,” I said. “I'll find you in just a little bit.”

He hesitated for a long moment, then walked off toward the fire.

I scanned the water's edge, thinking he was probably down there somewhere. I saw bodies, but couldn't make out faces. I headed down toward the water and in the direction of the restrooms and water fountains when Lauren fell into me. I nearly went down in the sand.

I stumbled to the side as she slid down my leg. She rolled over, laughing, then pushed herself up to her knees. “Oops! Sorry!”

“It's OK,” I said, annoyed.

“
I just meant to hug you,” she said, brushing herself off and standing up. She teetered to the side and looked even more drunk than when I'd seen her in the parking lot. I wondered if she'd just kept on drinking since school ended.

“
Have you seen Aidan?” I asked.

Her expression froze for a moment, then sadness settled on her face. “I'm so sorry, Meg.”

“Sorry? About what?”

“
About Aidan,” she said, almost crying now. “So so sorry.”

I assumed she must've overheard our conversation in the parking lot after school. I was surprised she'd been that coherent.

“It's OK,” I said. “It's my choice and...”

“
I knew I shouldn't have kissed him,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, I knew you guys were together. But Dylan is up at Berkeley and I just miss him so much, you know? And then it just got out of hand and I didn't want to stop and I know it was wrong and I'm so sorry.”

I processed her words, squinted at her. “What?”

“I was totally drunk,” she continued. “I mean, not as drunk as tonight, but still drunk. And he looked so good and you weren't there and we were in this room and I know I shouldn't have touched him but I just didn't know what I was doing and the next thing I knew my clothes were off.”

I felt the air leave my lungs. I was there to break up with Aidan, but I wasn't expecting to hear that he'd been screwing around on me. Now the eyes on me at school made sense. Everyone knew.

Everyone but me.

“
It was just the one time,” she slurred. “I swear. Just the one time this weekend.”

The weekend. When I was getting locked down and punished, he was sleeping with Lauren.

I remembered earlier that night when I'd walked up on him with Dez.

I wondered how I could have been so stupid.

I peered over her shoulder and about fifty yards away, I thought I made out Aidan in a small circle of people.

“
Thanks, Lauren,” I said, pushing past her.

“
I'm really sorry, Meg,” she said. “Really sorry.”

She mumbled something else but I couldn't hear her words as they drifted away from me and out toward the water.

I stomped across the sand and as I got closer, I knew it was him. Standing there, with a beer in his hand, laughing and talking with guys I didn't recognize.

I grabbed him by the shoulder. “Hey.”

He held his beer up in the air like he was afraid he'd spill it. “Easy.”

“
Here I am,” I said. Let's talk. Now.”

The other three guys in the circle laughed and tried to hide their faces. I didn't care. I was angry and I was ready to be done with this whole stupid charade.

Aidan glanced at the other three, then gave me his own laugh. “Alright. Let's talk.”

I walked past the circle, turning my back on him, letting him follow me. I was tired of him leading me by the nose, even if I hadn't recognized it for what it was. I didn't stop walking until I got to the restroom building, a small square structure at the end of the sand. It was quieter here, free from the hordes of people drinking and partying.

I turned around and Aidan's expression had changed. He wasn't chuckling anymore. He looked angry.

I didn't care. I wasn't backing down this time.

“You said to come down here and tell you to your face,” I said, staring into his eyes. “So I'm here. Looking at you. Telling you we're done.”

A slow smile spread across his face. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Really. I mean, you sort of ended it when you fucked Lauren over the weekend. But I don't want to leave any loose ends.”

For a brief moment, his cool exterior disappeared and something flashed through his eyes. He knew he'd been caught and there was nowhere to hide.

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he said.

“
Lauren told me herself,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. “But you know what? It's totally fine.”

And it really was. I was angry that he'd done it, but with everything all of a sudden becoming clear to me, it wasn't all that surprising. I finally recognized what our relationship had been to him. He hadn't loved me. I'd wanted him to love me, so he'd told me what I'd wanted to hear. I'd been a little challenge for Aidan. It was as simple as that. And once he'd conquered me, had gotten me to do all the things he'd wanted me to do, he'd gotten bored.

I'd been too screwed up to see it. Too hurt, too broken. I'd thought he was the only one who'd cared about me as my life was falling apart, thought he was the only one who could save me from falling into the abyss.

I was very, very wrong.

“We're not over,” he said, coming closer to me. “We're not over until I say we're over.”

I refused to step back even though the temptation to do so was nearly overwhelming. “We're over, Aidan,” I said, my voice shaky.

He crowded me even more, his hand brushing against my arm. “Come on, Meg. You don't mean that. You know how I can make you feel.”

“
Yeah, I do,” I said, flinching from his touch. “And I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm done.”

He blinked several times, anger filling his eyes like a rising tide. “You dumb little bitch. You suck, you know that?”

“Whatever,” I said, stepping around him.

But he grabbed me by the arm and brought me back in front of him. His fingers dug into my skin and it hurt. I tried to shake free, but he wouldn't let go.

“I put up with all of your whining,” he said, sneering at me. “All of your stupid family shit. And this is what I get? You acting like a bitch and telling me we're done?” He shook his head, then stepped in close to me and pushed his hips into mine. “I want some closure, good girl.”

I shoved him in the chest. He stumbled back, but didn't let go.

My heart pounded against my chest. I was so stupid. So, so stupid. I couldn't believe that I'd thought he was someone who cared about me. I'd missed everything.

He smiled at me, his eyes glassy from the alcohol. “You wanna fight a little bit? Do it rough? I'm cool with that.”

He yanked me toward him and pushed his hips into me again. I wiggled against him, trying to get loose, but he was too strong.

“
Let her go,” a voice said behind him.

He loosened his grip and I shoved him away.

Case stood there, his eyes on Aidan.

Aidan stared at him for a moment, then took a long pull from the beer bottle in his hand. He wiped his mouth with his forearm. “Hey, pretty boy.”

Case ignored him. “You alright?” he asked, his eyes roving over me, looking for damage.

“
I'm fine,” I said, my heart still hammering inside my chest.

“
She's fine,” Aidan said. “You can run along.”