If I Fall (32 page)

Now or never.

I slid between the people in the hall, navigating the maze of bodies until I was at the door. It wasn't completely closed. The door was propped open a quarter of an inch. I could see a light on. But I couldn't see Kevin. My skin prickled in anticipation and, before I had time to talk myself out of it, I pushed the door wide open.

A massive bathroom, bigger than my bedroom. White marble tile floors, a sink with one of those fancy basins that looked more like a piece of art than a functional piece of plumbing. A free-standing towel rack loaded with plush gray towels. A candle on the countertop was lit, the flame flickering oddly, the scent of sandalwood permeating the air.

And Kevin.

Kevin Swigert sat on the edge of a tall Jacuzzi bathtub. His shirt was unbuttoned, exposing the smooth expanse of skin I’d dreamed about touching. His head was thrown back, his eyes closed, and I noticed how incredibly dark and long his eyelashes were. His mouth was curved in the shape of an O before giving way to a smile of satisfaction. He moaned softly. In slow motion, my eyes traveled downward. His navy blue basketball shorts were around his ankles and a girl was on her knees, between his legs, her head moving back and forth slowly.

My sister.

Kevin’s eyes opened and when he saw me, he didn’t seem altogether there. His mouth twisted into a half grin. “Don't tell me you want some, too?”

I leaned against the doorframe, the vodka threatening to work its way back up my throat. I tried to shake my head no, but I was frozen in place. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything but stare in horror.

Annika turned around. Her white cami was pushed up, her bra unclasped in the middle. Her skirt, denim like mine, was hitched nearly all the way to her waist and her lipstick was smeared at the corners of her mouth. She had one hand on Kevin's bare thigh and the other wrapped around his cock. I tried to look away but I couldn't. I just fixated on her hand, the hand that was still moving slowly up and down as she held him.

“
Abby.” My sister's voice was sharp.

My hand slipped off the doorknob and I had to catch myself before I crashed into the door.

I blinked.

She smiled at me and there was nothing friendly about it. “You’re gonna have to wait your turn, Abs. I got here first.”

TWO

The room was spinning.

Fast.

I closed my eyes and pulled the sheets over my head, waiting for the room to hit the brakes. I hated carnival rides and this one felt like the Tilt-A-Whirl. On steroids.

“
No more vodka,” I croaked, my throat raw.

No more any alcohol. Ever.

I rolled over in the bed, on to my side. My head felt like a bowling ball. A bowling ball on a dinghy being tossed among twenty-foot waves. I squeezed my eyes shut. It didn't help with the nausea and it didn't help with blocking out the events from the previous night. Images came flooding back to me, crystal clear.

Sprinting down the stairs. Grabbing two red cups off the kitchen counter, cups that ended up being full of straight vodka. I’d hesitated only a second before deciding that getting fall-down drunk was the best way to burn the image of my sister blowing Kevin out of my mind. I’d downed both cups and I was pretty sure I’d grabbed another. But that was where my memory grew hazy. I vaguely remembered leaning on Tana as we walked home, sobbing loudly and puking into the gutter every block or so.

A stellar last night of summer.

I forced my eyes open, hoping the blinding morning light would burn the images out of my head. It did nothing except punish me as the rays streamed through my bedroom window. I shifted in the sheets, realizing I was still in my tank top and skirt. I kicked them off of me and sat up, steadying myself with my hands as the vodka took a hammer to my skull.

I could see myself in the mirror that was attached to the vanity across the room. My hair was a rat’s nest and my mascara looked like something I’d seen baseball players put under their eyes. Some sort of Medusa-like raccoon.

Ugh.

I laid back down in the bed, grabbed my pillow and hugged it to my chest. As bad as I felt from the alcohol, it was Annika that nearly made me sick.

It wasn’t that I cared about Kevin. I didn’t. Sure, he was some hot guy that I’d spent way too much time drooling over. For whatever reason, I'd put him up on some sort of imaginary pedestal, had decided that he was the one guy I most wanted to get with. And, if my slut of a sister hadn’t been with him last night, I very much would’ve liked to mess around with him.

But, as usual, Annika was there. Where I wanted to be. And where I didn’t want her to be. Where I could’ve strangled her for once again making me feel small and inferior.

She loved to be the center of attention. She loved that guys loved to look at her. And she loved to make sure I knew that, even though we were identical twins, guys preferred her over me. Always.

This was nothing new with Annika. She'd started in on me in first grade, sidling up to the kids I'd made friends with, making sure she was teacher's pet and not me. It had only gotten worse as we’d grown older. Trying to steal my friends in middle school. Tana had always been immune but my other friends hadn't been so lucky. I thought about Michael Stratton, the first boy I ever had a crush on. Fifth grade. He sat in front of me in homeroom and, after months of daydreaming about him, I'd finally worked up the nerve to pass him a note in class. As soon as I'd tossed the note in his direction, Annika had innocently raised her hand and told Mrs. Wilson what I'd done. She'd retrieved the folded up scrap of notebook paper and read it out loud to the class. And everyone in our fifth grade class suddenly knew that I liked Michael Stratton and wanted him to come over for Popsicles. I'd turned the color of a tomato and Annika had just smiled in satisfaction.

We hated one another.

There was no twin bond. No special link to one another. No ability to finish one another’s thoughts or sentences. No special connection.

I felt more connected to snakes at the zoo.

I closed my eyes, grateful that the spinning seemed to have abated, and sighed. More than ever, I was relieved to be heading for college. Away from high school and away from living on top of my menacing sister.

But Annika was going, too. And even though we’d be living apart, I worried the campus wouldn’t be big enough for the both of us. It had been my number one concern when I'd accepted my admission to State and I’d fooled myself into thinking that just not sharing space with her would make it all better.

But after the previous night?

I wasn’t sure I could share the same continent with her.

The door to my room swung open and smacked into the wall. I winced, the sound like someone clanging cymbals an inch from my head.

“
Mom said to get up,” Annika said.

With a concerted effort, I managed to prop myself up on my elbows. Her hair was wet, her face make-up free. She wore capri-length sweatpants and a T-shirt that was just tight enough to make her boobs look perfect. We had the same boobs and mine never looked like that, dammit.

“Knock much?” I asked.

She sniffed the air and frowned. “It smells like you bathed in vodka.” She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “You need to be more careful how much you drink. You know you’re a lightweight.”

“Leave. Now.”

She leaned against the door and ran a hand through her damp hair. “Now, now. Don’t get all pissy with me just because your boyfriend wanted me to suck him off.” She smiled. “Maybe he thought it was you.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I snapped, wincing as my voice reverberated through my head. “And I’m pretty sure he knew he was with the skanky twin.”

“
Oh, he knew when we were done,” she said, her smile widening. “Trust me. No way you could’ve gotten him off like that.”

I shook my head in disgust. “Yeah. Takes a certain talent. And lack of pride.”

“Jealousy does not look good on you, Abs,” Annika said. “And neither do skinny jeans. You don’t have the ass for them.” She winked at me. “Breakfast is in ten minutes. Try not to smell like a hobo.” She raised her middle finger in my direction, then slammed the door on her way out.

I fired my pillow at the door and collapsed back in the bed.

I was wrong.

I couldn’t share the same planet with her.

My head pounded, and not just from my killer hangover. Reality was crashing down. Hard. School started in less than a week. Annika and I were due to move into dorms on Monday. And all I wanted to do was get as far away from my sister as possible.

I surveyed my room. A few boxes were stacked against one wall, half-filled with clothes and shoes, belts and headbands. A pile of books sat on top of my bookcase, favorites that I wanted to bring along. San Diego State was only twenty minutes from home but part of me felt like I was moving across country. I wanted my favorite books and other familiar things that I could bring with me, things that would comfort me, things that would remind me I wasn't alone.

But I wasn't going to be alone, I reminded myself.

Because Annika was coming with me.

I rubbed my forehead and stifled a groan. I couldn't do it. Last night had been the final straw. I was sick of living in Annika's shadow, tired of wondering how she was going to muck up my life next. I wanted a clean slate, a fresh start, and I wasn't going to get that if I my sister was around.

I swung my legs to the floor, squeezing my eyes shut as the jackhammer pounded my skull. Why had I gotten so totally drunk last night? It wasn't like me.

But the decision I was about to make wasn't like me, either.