If You Still Want Me (9 page)

Saul's got the brown-spotted Appaloosa, Sugar N'
Spice, saddled up and ready to go. The rest of the horses are
anxious in their pens, jealous of Sugar's forthcoming ride.
Glancing into Charger's stall, I see it's already been mucked.
Looks like they've all be fed and watered, too.

With a heavy breath, I clear my throat to make
my presence known. "Going for a ride?"

Saul looks up with uncertainty in his eyes but
nods. "Figure it's a nice enough day for it. Could use the fresh
air."

I hesitate, thumbs in my pockets, then decide to
get back on the saddle I fell off last night. "Mind some company?
Was going to walk the horses out to the west pasture anyhow."

"Sure. I'll bridle up Charger and Jinx. Assume
yer ridin' Amber?"

"Yup," I answer simply, heading for the saddle
racks. I think if I keep the conversation light, we can get through
this first morning. He aint ignoring me, but something in his eyes
has me worried.

We saddle and bridle the rest, Charger putting
up the most fight because he prefers to be rode not walked. No one
rides him but me or Brandon, but I don't feel like fighting with
him all morning. Stubborn horse is too smart for his own good and
still has a wild streak in him. I've got enough to think about
without having to deal with Charger trying to unbuckle his saddle
so he can make a joke out of his rider.

Remembering how he did that once to Kyle has me
chuckling as I pet his nose. Saul glances my way, and we share a
subtle smile. That friendly look boosts my confidence as I mount
Amber. Maybe we can't go back, but maybe we can fix it a bit and
start over.

The ride to the west pasture is quiet but
pleasant. It feels good having Saul so close, even when there's no
words and an uncrossable line between us. When he stops Sugar at
the top of the slope that gives a view of Peters Creek and the
Sentinel tree beyond, I ease Amber up beside him, hopeful he won't
mind me ending the silence.

Before I open my mouth, he speaks. "I think you
should stay."

Cold fog signals my exhale. "I've decided to
stay. Last night, I... I said what I needed to say, but then I ran
from it like a scared fool. I've also decided I don't want to lose
my best friend over it."

"Austin," he starts, pauses to bite his bottom
lip as I try not to stare at it, then continues. "I've decided to
go."

It takes my brain a moment to switch gears from
his moist lips to the words that just came out of them. Charger
stomps the ground next to me, impatiently telling us he aint happy
we've stopped. I can't pay him no mind, even as he nips my leg,
because I'm stuck on the look in Saul's eyes.

"You don't have'ta move out of Brandon's-"

"No," he interrupts. "I'm leavin' town. Maybe go
see my mom for a bit, then head west... or south... I don't
know."

"Your
mom
?" I can't fucking believe that just
came outta his mouth, unless... "She finally leave that
bastard?"

His green eyes darken to nearly black, but he
twists his head to the side away from me. "No. That sumbitch is
still leachin' offa her. Maybe I should go do somethin' 'bout that,
once an' fer all."

My hand is on arm, asking him to come back from
the demons that just took hold on his spirit. He can't go to that
place. It'll have him drinking again quicker than anything
else.

Lord have mercy on me, but
I've wanted to drive down to San Antonio myself and put a bullet
through that man's skull - that motherless bastard who done Saul so
wrong; who touched him like none should ever be touching a child. I
have me some choice words for Saul's mom, too, for choosing
that
pendejo
over her
son.

"Saul, man, if this is about you and me, I-"

His shoulders shake in a violent sob. "Vickie
left me. She told me last night that she aint comin' back; that she
can't do it no more. Just like you - she done had enough. I can't
give enough to you, an' I want too much from her. Aint nothin' in
this fucked-up world I can do right by!"

Christ.
What is
Victoria thinking? Saul's been stuck in the middle, pulled one way
then the other, and I've had it. It's time we all stop running
around each other and figure this shit out.

"C'mon," I start to turn Amber around. "You and
me are going for a drive."

He sniffles. "Where to?"

"New Orleans."

After packing, explaining things to Brandon then
helping him with brunch, Austin and I get a late start on the road.
It's nice and quiet on the highway, at least, with it being New
Year's Day. Supposed to be the day 'a makin' new starts and
resolutions, right? Glancing over at Austin in the driver's seat,
I'm hopin' maybe this year I can make some resolutions I can
keep.

Both of our trucks are beat-down, old work
mules, so we decided to take a chance and use Vickie's SUV,
crossin' our fingers she don't let them haul our asses to jail if
we get pulled over. Plus, if Austin's idea works out, it'll be all
three 'a us drivin' back. If it don't, then... well, I don't
rightly know.

I'm just tryin' to stay stable
at this point. My brain hurts, bein' pulled in so many different
directions. It can't sort itself out no more than my heart can. The
look in Austin's eyes tells me he gets it; tells me he's sorry he
was part of it. He can't see that the common denominator in all
this mess 'a trouble is
me
.

It's time I grow up and come ta' terms with some
things, I think.

Vickie's right. I've been
latched onto her like a life-sucking leech since fifth grade. She
found me, took my hand, pulled me outta the shit I was in, and I
never let her go. Brandon and Kyle were good friends, but I told
Vickie
everything
; things I didn't
tell them 'till later. She did what she could ta' help me fight
against the monsters under my bed, and I know I've used her for a
security blanket every day since.

She's safe. Familiar. Comforting.

I love her so damn much, but I think maybe I'm
startin' ta' understand why she's been pullin' away, and it aint
got nothin' ta' do with Austin. Least, not entirely. I've been
smotherin' her, holdin' on too tightly, because I was afraid
somethin' was gonna come and take her away. I had no idea that
somethin' could be me.

Austin's got this idea in his
head that if the three of us sit down and talk, we can sort it out.
Hell, I don't even know where Austin and I stand right now, much
less me an' Vickie, or me and the both 'a them put together. I know
what I
want
, but I'm afraid to hold
onto that idea too tightly, too.

Maybe I ought ta' just let it all go - these
ideas in my head and my security attachments. Maybe then, when all
I've got are some empty hands, I can take a tally and see what's
left 'a me. It scares me - the idea 'a what might be left 'a this
stupid country boy underneath the leather, the club, Vickie and
everything else I've been hiding behind all these years. It scares
me, and yet the idea kinda makes me smile.

A hand touches my arm, and I look up to see
Austin smilin' over at me. I must have a crazy look on my face -
like I could lose it at any moment. Blinking at the dashboard
clock, I realize we aint said a word in nearly five hours 'a
drivin'.

"I need to stop for gas soon," he nods towards
the gauge. "I was thinking we could stop in Baton Rouge for the
night. New Orleans is only a couple hours more, but I don't want to
show up at her dad's place too late."

"Sure we shouldn't call and tell her we're
comin'?"

"I don't want to give her time to over-think it,
you know? We need to sort this out. If she still wants to stay with
her dad afterwords, then we'll figure it out from there.
Together."

I inhale sharply at that. I
thought I'd lost my girl
and
my
best friend last night, but here he is, driving my ass to New
Orleans. "Thanks, amigo."

Fuck. That sounds so damn casual compared to
what I'm feelin' inside. I wish I knew how to express it to him -
how much it all really means; how much I really do love him.

I love Austin. There aint no doubt in my mind
about that. He's right, though; I don't love him like I love
Victoria. I don't love no one like that but her, and I never
will.

More I think on it, though, more I realize it
aint all that different with Austin. I love him in a way that's
different than the way I love my other friends, and I don't think
I'll ever have these same feeling for anyone else. I wish it could
be enough for him, 'cause I think me an' him really could have
ourselves somethin' incredible.

Just outside of Baton Rouge, we stop for the
night at a Super Eight. I know they got clean rooms, and they aint
gonna kill our lack-luster bank accounts, either. Austin and I walk
up to the counter, suitcases in hand, and a cute-as-a-button older
lady is smilin' back with a subtle blush that tells me certain
things about the thoughts goin' through her head.

Austin tips his Stetson at her, raisin' her red
blush up a shade. "Evenin', ma'am. Do you have a room with two
singles?"

Her eyes dart between him and
me. "We
do
... but, a single room
with a king-size is actually thirty dollars cheaper."

I can't help but grin at her
subtle '
it's okay if yer gay
' wink
she gives me. I nod and lightly elbow Austin to the side. "We'll
take it," I say as I pull out my wallet. "I gotta put up with his
snorin' anyway, so maybe I can get some payback with my cold
feet."

She giggles at that and takes my card.
"Sixty-four dollars and twenty-three cents, then."

Austin starts to argue, but I wave him off. "You
paid fer gas, amigo, so I can get the room."

He grumbles with an
'
I don't snore'
comment that has me
and the nice lady laughin' as I take the room keys before shoving
him towards the hall she's pointing too. "Any good pizza places
round here?" I call over my shoulder.

"Papa Johns delivers free," she smiles with a
wave. "There's a menu next to the phone in your room, sweetie."

"Thank you, ma'am," I wink.

"Brat," Austin points out the obvious as he
swipes a key-card from my hand. "You know what she was
thinking."

"'Course I do, amigo. That's what makes it fun."
I lean on the wall as he fights with the key-reader on our door.
He's also fighting against a smile, so I poke the dimple in his
cheek. "Just think 'a the dreams she's gonna be havin' tonight. Two
hot cowboys an-"

"Saul," he sighs, forehead tapping the door. I
can see the battle inside his head through the ticks of his
jaw.

Fuck it. Five, silent hours have given me a long
time to come to terms with myself and what I want from him. He's my
friend, I love him, I want him and I aint leavin' this hotel 'till
he either accepts what I can give him or he knocks me
unconscious.

God, please let him choose the option that
includes us gettin' naked.

"Austin," I sigh right back in a tease. Sliding
my hand on top of his, I ease the card up and down in the slot,
nice and slow. The light goes green, making me grin as I set my
chin on his shoulder. "Looks like it just needed a gentler
touch."

A flurry of Spanish I don't understand follows
my tease as he pushes open the door. Maybe I ought ta' learn
Spanish. Guess I could start watchin' Dora with Sarah's girl when I
get back.

Damn, that's something else I gotta find a way
ta' make right. Kyle and Sarah deserve a talkin' to, and an
apology. I gotta finally put my foot down about that drunk husband
'a hers, too.

But not tonight. One thing at a time. Deal with
Austin first. Then Victoria. Then Austin and Victoria at the same
time, then-

Holy fuck, that's the hottest damn image ta'
ever come through my head.

"You coming?" Austin asks, holding the door open
for me.

Hell yes!
If I have
anything ta' say about it, you bet yer ass I am. That makes me
snort a little giggly laugh as I walk past Austin.

Before I know what's happening, the door shuts,
he whips me around by the arm and stares deep into my eyes.
"Whatever crazy thoughts have you giggling like a schoolgirl need
to end."

The hold on my arm makes my blood race. I love
his strength and the way his gray eyes look straight into me. "Why?
Thought we was havin' fun?"

"Thought I made clear
why
last night." He lets go, sets down his
suitcase and stares at the wall with both hands planted on his
hips. "Dammit, I'm trying, Saul. I'm trying to be the best friend
you deserve, but when you tease me like that..."

Undeterred, I mosey on up behind him, snaking a
hand up between his shoulder blades. "Like this?"

"Stop," he exhales. "I don't want to do
something I'll regret. Having sex with you-"

"I don't wanna have sex with you," I whisper
into his ear before nipping it. "Thought I was clear last night,
too."

His chin falls to his chest. "I don't
understand."

Well, aint that a peach. I finally get something
he don't. With a flick against the back brim, I send his hat
tumbling to the ground then wrap my arms around him. I hold him as
tight as I can, my cheek rubbin' his while I hope I can be
enough.

"I love you, Austin. No, I don't love you the
same as Victoria, but I don't think it's possible ta' love two
people exactly the same. I don't love no one the same as I love
you. That's gotta mean somethin', right?"

His hands trace a path up my arms until he
reaches my fingers that are curled into his shirt. "I'm afraid," he
admits in a whisper. "One day you'll decide the sex isn't what you
want anymore, or that you and Victoria want to be exclusive
again."