If You're Not the One (20 page)

‘Could do,' said Jennifer who quite fancied doing that. She really wanted to snog him. ‘Or we could go to yours? Mitcham isn't far.'

‘Ah,' said Steve. ‘Actually, I'm not based in Mitcham any more.'

‘Oh right,' said Jennifer wondering why he suddenly looked so sheepish. ‘Where are you then?'

‘I've, er, moved back home, just for the short term,' he said, and Jennifer realised at this point that he blushed incredibly easily.

‘You mean with your parents?'

‘Just with my mum actually. My dad died a few years ago so Mum's on her own. Well, strictly speaking that's not true. She's got a boyfriend called Derek only they don't live together.'

‘So where's your mum's place then?'

‘Leytonstone.'

‘Leytonstone?' she exclaimed. ‘That's miles away isn't it?'

‘It's not close,' he agreed. ‘But it's not that bad. When I'm working I drive a motorbike to get down to these parts and just leave the van parked somewhere overnight. I biked here tonight as it goes.'

‘Right,' said Jennifer, trying not to feel so downcast about the fact he lived so far away. With his mother! He was twenty-eight years old for Christ's sakes. Her expression must have given her away because Steve suddenly piped up with, ‘Like I said, it's only temporary. It's just I was spending so much on rent that it was getting really difficult to save. Living at home for a few months means I can save for a deposit for my own place. And besides, living with Mum isn't so bad. We get on really well. Plus, I get a great dinner every night. She even does my washing and ironing.'

‘Ah, that's nice,' said Jennifer, though if she were being totally honest she would have been more impressed if he'd said he looked after his own washing. If he wasn't paying rent surely it was the least he could do? There was nothing sexy about imagining his mum washing his underpants for him.

‘So, can we go to yours, or would you prefer the pub?'

‘Let's go to mine,' said Jennifer, her mind racing as she tried to remember what sort of state she'd left the flat in. She prayed she'd put away the hair removal cream. Otherwise that disgusting fishy odour would be lingering in the
air. She'd have to get him in the lounge so she could have a quick whizz round.

One hour later and Jennifer was on the verge of her first ever kiss with Steve. They'd had cliché cups of coffee and had sat on the sofa together chatting away about this and that, both keen to get to the point where they could go in for a snog, wondering who was going to instigate it. Finally, just as he had all evening, Steve took the lead and reached over gently and turned her cheek so she was facing him fully. Then, staring at her with real tenderness he pulled her towards him and kissed her gently on the lips in a way that made her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. Then he slowly opened his mouth a bit until she could feel his tongue and kissed her more expertly than anyone had since Aidan all those years ago. It was absolutely amazing and when his hand started stroking her leg she almost melted with pleasure. It wasn't long before their breathing got heavier as they became more aroused and the kissing became more urgent and deeper. God she'd forgotten how much she loved snogging and it appeared he did too because instead of immediately trying to move things on he kissed her for ages, really taking his time over it and seemingly enjoying it as much as she was. It was incredible. So sexy and so sensual. By the time he did start touching her elsewhere she was desperate for him to and was hinting at him to do so by pushing herself
against him. He knew exactly what he was doing though and seemed only too aware that in itself the wait was one of the horniest things about the whole experience. Jennifer was so taken aback by how good Steve was she was practically grinning as they kissed.

It was worth the wait too, because when it came his touch was incredible. Every time his hand made contact with any part of her it felt insanely good so when his hand slid to the top of her jeans she couldn't resist letting him undo the fly. He touched her through her knickers in the most sensual way imaginable. He stroked her gently yet firmly in a way that left her panting for more. However, remembering this was a first date, eventually she pulled away, breathless, knowing that despite the fact he lived with his mum and drank fizzy drinks with his dinner she definitely wanted to see him again.

‘Are you OK?' he whispered into her ear, his voice thick with desire.

‘Yeah,' she said. ‘You're an amazing kisser.'

‘So are you,' he said. ‘I am so turned on.'

Her gaze went to his trousers where she could see for herself exactly how turned on he was. She clearly wasn't going to be disappointed in that department either.

‘I think perhaps we should stop though,' she said. ‘I mean I don't want to, but it's probably for the best don't you reckon? It being our first date and everything.'

‘Whatever you say, beautiful.'

It was the ‘beautiful' that did it. It almost made her cry.
She had longed for Tim to say nice things to her for years. Had yearned for a bit of attention to the point where at times she'd been reduced almost to begging for compliments sometimes, like a dog sniffing around a table for crumbs. Now here was Steve, who she hardly knew but who had been so lovely all evening, telling her she was beautiful and it was so unbelievably lovely to hear. It was like pouring water on a dried up old plant.

‘Perhaps let's just do some more kissing,' she suggested.

Steve was more than happy to go along with that plan, although predictably, it didn't quite end there. Half an hour later, unable to resist, Jennifer ended up having sex with him. On her sofa. And it was bloody great.

What Jennifer couldn't have possibly known was that by now she had been in a coma for three weeks. Three long weeks during which her friends and family had had to come to terms with the fact that she may not return to them. No matter how many times they asked the consultant for his opinion he could only offer them vague replies. The fact was no one knew what was going to happen to Jennifer, whether she'd live, die, or remain in no man's land until someone else made the heart-rending decision for her.

Of course this was far harder for them than it was for Jennifer for she was oblivious, cocooned in her own little world. A grey, foggy world which she drifted around in, sometimes aware of her anchorless state, occasionally surfacing to hear snippets from the real world before descending back to the place she was far more able to handle.

Meanwhile, her body was doing its very best to recover from the shock it had endured and her brain was scrambling to repair itself, to reboot if you like. Currently
she wasn't wired correctly which was why she was able to experience things which normally one couldn't ever be privy to.

Right now her consciousness was buzzing, yearning to make another journey, desperate to find out more about how life could have been.

She started her descent.

It took a while but when she reached the tunnels, as she'd suspected it would have, the first portal had disappeared completely. Instead of a grey swirling, cloudy mist, there was now a black seal in its place. Tunnel number one was most definitely shut for good so she would just have to accept that and be thankful for what she had learned from it. However, the second portal, the one marked Tim, was still very much available, though it was a few shades weaker than it had been before. The third, which she had yet to explore at all, was still as bright as anything.

Tim or Steve?

So far she'd learned that by staying with Tim she would have turned into the kind of woman she'd probably detest if she were to meet her at a party. Groomed, pampered and not really serving much purpose other than to be a wife. She also appeared to be miserable, unconfident and too hung up on her ‘lifestyle' to do much about it.

There didn't seem any point checking out life with Steve yet. He could wait. She could visualise it so well
anyway. Whereas she couldn't even begin to guess what would happen to her in the second portal. Would she leave Tim? Would she break Joe's and indeed her own heart for the sake of her children, or out of fear?

What Could Have Been—Tim

‘But what I don't understand is why you can't just fly Karen out here?' repeated Tim, regarding Jennifer in a way that told her to tread extremely carefully.

He was perched on the edge of their enormous seven-foot bed which was still rumpled from where he'd had his post-lunchtime nap. Their housekeeper, Jacqueline, ensured that more often than not lunches were the sort that needed to be slept off. She lived locally in Antibes and brought all their meals to the villa every morning, on huge earthenware platters, or in brightly painted dishes that were synonymous with the region, along with fresh baguettes and croissants for breakfast and copious bottles of wine. Life in France tended to be one long blissful blur of eating, drinking, swimming, fending off cheese and rosé top-ups and playing with the children. This year however, as far as Jennifer was concerned, there was nothing blissful about it. She was in her own private hell, missing Joe while feeling painfully
stressed and confused about the decision she needed to make.

‘Why on earth do you want to leave here when you could just as easily invite her to come and stay with us?'

After his nap Tim had showered and changed into olive green linen trousers, a white shirt and Hermes dark-brown suede loafers with no socks. His helicopter was due to meet him at the helipad but he seemed reluctant to get going, preferring instead to watch his wife pack whilst trying to get to the bottom of what her last-minute trip to the UK was really all about.

Jennifer wished with every fibre of her being that he'd just leave so she could have some space, stop being questioned and concentrate on what she wanted to take. She was feverishly excited by the prospect of her escape and nervous that something would happen to prevent her from going. She also felt guilty as hell and was aware that no matter what, it was vital she appeared nonchalant and normal. She was being scrutinised. She could sense it. It was all so exhausting.

The large terracotta floor tiles were cool under her bare feet. She was wearing a bikini with a flimsy Melissa Odabash kaftan over the top yet still felt hot and flustered. It was thirty-six degrees outside and although they had a very sophisticated air conditioning system installed throughout the villa, in the daytime she preferred the windows to be open. Firstly so that she could fully appreciate the breath-taking view. Their house was situated high up
in the mountains of Antibes, in between Nice and Cannes, and the view of the twinkling Med was phenomenal. She also liked the windows open so that she could hear her children's squeals from the infinity pool down below where they played for hours every day under the supervision of Annie and Deck and a life guard. The grounds were so vast there was enough distance to render their boisterous screams of excitement and all the splashing into an extremely soothing sound.

‘Do I look all right?' asked Tim, bored of waiting for his wife to give him a straight answer.

‘Yes,' she replied, not giving him so much as a glance to at least pretend she was interested. If she had, she would have thought he looked smart, Sloaney, older than his years and conspicuously wealthy. Joe would never wear such a stuffy outfit.

Joe.

Would there ever be a minute, a whole sixty seconds when he didn't pop into her brain? He consumed her thoughts. She was so in love and for the first time in her life finally understood why people spoke of being ‘crazily' or ‘madly' in love for what she was experiencing felt like madness.

Distracted, what Jennifer didn't pick up on was that had she given Tim just a second or two of attention it would have appeased him greatly and made her getaway
far easier. As it was, it was totally obvious his wife's mind was elsewhere. Tim's eyes narrowed and briefly he wondered if he should cancel his trip to Monaco.

‘When's your flight again?' he asked.

‘First thing in the morning. Early.'

‘So what are you doing this evening?'

‘This evening?' she repeated, going to the closet to find socks, which were almost an alien concept when you'd been barefoot for weeks.

‘Yes, this evening. What are you doing? Are you eating here? Do you have dinner plans with anyone?'

‘No,' she said, irritated. ‘Course not. I'm just going to be here. I want to spend time with the children before I leave. And besides, I've had enough dinners out recently to last me a lifetime.'

‘Right,' said Tim. ‘I didn't realise it had all been such a chore for you.'

Jennifer rolled her eyes.

‘It's just I thought you might have arranged to see Gail and James or something.'

‘God no! Why would I want to do that?' she replied, a little too vehemently. Gail and James were two of their oldest friends but this holiday Jennifer had had her fill of Gail who had become increasingly materialistic and superficial as the years had rolled by. These days she wouldn't contemplate eating at a restaurant unless she thought it was one worth being seen in, which frankly made the holiday not feel like a holiday at all. Gail had
also really overdone it on the fillers and cosmetic surgery front so now looked permanently like she was trapped in a wind tunnel.

‘What about you? Are you going out this evening?' she asked, realising too late how shirty her tone had been and changing the subject in order to avoid a row which would only delay his departure further. Tim loved Gail and James.

‘Not sure,' said Tim. ‘Pierre's having something on his boat tonight so I may go to that. It depends on these viewings and how long they go on for.'

‘You don't really want to live there do you?' asked Jennifer wearily.

‘I wouldn't be looking if I didn't want to,' said Tim, sounding irritated. ‘Why would I waste my time?'

‘Well, it just might have been nice to have had a discussion about it,' she replied, wondering idly which jeans suited her best from the pile she'd selected.

A fortnight ago Tim had suddenly announced that he was going to look into making Monaco their primary country of residence.

‘Well, when
you're
earning billions of pounds and the government want to fleece you for half of it, despite the fact you've done more for their economy than the majority of the population put together, plus contributed to endless charities, then you can have your say can't you?'

Jennifer clenched her fists so tightly, her nails made indentations on her palms.

She stayed silent though, despite the fact that if Tim had bothered to ask whether she wanted to uproot the children in order to live in Monaco or not, she would have told him she had no desire to live there whatsoever. She would also have added that her socialist roots found the whole idea repugnant. They had so much wealth they could easily give far more than fifty percent away and still never have to work another day in their lives.

‘Anyway, Monaco aside, which we can discuss when you're back, I have to say, I still don't get why you're going to Karen. Or why you're avoiding giving me an answer. I mean, if she's prepared to take days off work just to hang out with you then surely she'd rather do that here in the sunshine than there in the pissing rain?'

Jennifer glanced at the clock on her dressing table. His helicopter was due at four. It was five to. By this point she was so tense she would have done anything to make those five minutes pass more quickly. Only once Tim had gone would she relax and then their paths wouldn't need to cross again until she returned from her trip.

She sighed heavily, hoping that would be enough to shut Tim up. Apart from anything else she wasn't getting very far with her packing. This was another perfect example of where less would be more. She had such a stupid amount of clothes to choose from that trying to condense what she'd laid out on the bed as possibilities was more of a stress than it would have been if she only owned a few pairs of jeans in the first place. Next month she was
going to have a huge clear-out and give loads away to charity.

Right, she needed to stop faffing about. Joe wouldn't care what she was wearing, as long as her knickers were nice of course, and she should be ruthless because ideally she'd just take hand luggage, a luxury she could never enjoy when travelling with four children plus staff.

She glanced up. Tim was still staring at her and not in a soppy way. He was watching her like a hawk. The clock said two minutes to and they could both very clearly hear the chopper arriving. She suddenly felt horribly uneasy.

‘So, Karen calls and you just go running. Again, it just seems a bit odd to me that she would expect you to leave your children in the middle of your family holiday just to go and listen to her problems.'

‘Oh for goodness sake,' she huffed, finally realising she needed to say something. She continued to avoid his eye though by going to search for some ankle boots in the walk-in closet. ‘I've told you thousands of times now. She's got a lot of stuff going on in her personal life and she's asked me to come and see her so we can talk it through and spend a bit of time with one another. That's it. She wants me to go there and I don't want to insist that she comes here. Why should she?'

‘Because it's a damn sight nicer here than it is in shitty Wandsworth,' he said, gesturing outside to the stunning panoramic view that lay before them.

‘Look,' said Jennifer, feeling unbelievably claustro-phobic
despite the never-ending vista. ‘I'm not saying it again.
Me
leaving the children is easy. They're happy here and have endless people to look after them. You're not even going to be around for the next week so it's not like we'd be spending any time together, whereas Karen simply hasn't got the funds to uproot herself and Suzy in order to fly over here just because I've told her to. So I'm going to her and that's final.'

‘But I could pay for…'

‘I know you could pay,' said Jennifer, starting to get angry now. God, if she had really been just going to see her friend he wasn't half being awkward about it. Pretty hypocritical given that he'd been known on occasion in the past to casually announce in the morning that he was off to another continent for a few days, having failed to remember to tell his PA to tell her. ‘But I don't
want
you to pay for her and Karen doesn't want you to either. So that's that. Come on, Tim. How often do I ever go away and do anything for myself? Once a year with the girls and that's it. Other than that I'm at your beck and call or with the kids but I really want to do this. I want to be there for my friend when she needs me and it might help build a few bridges at the same time.'

‘So what exactly is going on with her anyway?' said Tim, who
still
didn't look totally convinced. He was irritatingly sharp.

‘Maritals,' said Jennifer a tad too quickly.

Tim pondered this for a while before saying eventually,
‘Well that doesn't surprise me, I suppose. If I were Pete I'd have left her years ago.'

‘Ha bloody ha,' retorted Jennifer unenthusiastically. ‘Now, does that mean you're going to stop nagging me and let me go with your blessing because apart from anything else the helicopter's here?'

‘Fine,' said Tim.

Internally Jennifer breathed a sigh of relief. Only, the feeling that she'd got away with it may have been hasty because just as she was about to head for the en-suite bathroom to sort out her toiletries, Tim came up behind her and grabbed her arm. As she spun round to face him his expression made her gulp. It was flinty and cold, his smile had faded away and his eyes had a warning in them as he said, ‘But if I ever find out you've lied to me I'll kill you.'

Jennifer felt petrified so regarded him for a while as she tried to work out the best way to respond. Eventually she decided to go on the offensive. How dare he threaten her like that? She hated him. The sooner she got away the better.

‘And if you ever speak to me like that again I'll divorce you,' she replied icily at which point Tim looked thoroughly thrown.

‘I was only joking,' he said lamely.

‘Well, don't. Because it's not funny and what you've just said is a pretty disgusting thing to say to your wife,' she said, blinking away angry tears. She shoved Tim away.
He was blocking her path and she didn't want to be near him a second longer.

‘Well, I apologise then,' he said flatly, unsmiling ‘And I'll leave you to pack now. My chopper's here so I might as well say goodbye.'

‘I'll see you in eight days,' said Jennifer grimly.

‘You will. Oh, and Jennifer?'

‘Yes.'

‘Make sure you don't forget to pack these. They're vital for a trip to see Karen I'm sure.'

With her heart in her mouth Jennifer turned around slowly only to see Tim clutching a very sexy, very flimsy pair of knickers. She felt sick.

‘Oh,' she said lightly, snatching them away from him and stuffing them back into a drawer. ‘I won't be needing those, that's for sure.'

‘Right,' he said, his face impossible to read. ‘I'll be off then, I'll just go and say goodbye to the children.'

‘Bye, have a great week in Monaco.'

‘Thanks,' he said, and without so much as a peck on the cheek he left.