If You're Not the One (18 page)

What Could Have Been—Aidan

Jennifer sat in the cafe drumming the fingers of one hand on the formica table while decimating yet another packet of sugar with the other. She wished she hadn't ordered coffee. She felt jittery enough as it was and the caffeine she'd consumed wasn't making life any easier.

Where was she? Why wasn't she here yet?

For the hundredth time she glanced at the black and white clock on the wall. Three thirty-two. Her mum was now officially two minutes late for their meeting. Still, it wasn't like she was coming from round the corner she supposed. She had a horribly long train journey from the suburbs of London right up to the very North of England and then a cab ride to contend with. The wait was unbearable though and now she needed the loo again. Blooming coffee.

Jennifer stood up and for the second time since she'd arrived, headed for the tiny toilet at the back of the cafe.
Once she'd finished she checked her reflection in the cracked mirror above the small basin.

She didn't usually wear a great deal of make-up but today she'd taken extra care with her appearance. In the days leading up to this she'd agonised about what to wear for hours. She didn't want to appear dowdy or plain in her standard jeans and same old tops that she wore day in day out. But she only had them or a couple of dresses she reserved for special occasions. She'd decided that what she needed was a happy medium, because as much as she wanted to look nice she also wanted to avoid looking like she'd tried too hard. In the end she'd splashed out on a new top from Oasis. It had been so long since she'd treated herself to anything, she'd decided the occasion merited it. Besides, it had been on the sale rail so had only cost her £28.00 as opposed to £42.00. It made her feel a million dollars. Well, maybe a thousand…

Anyway, the point was it was
new
which was thrilling.

She sighed at her reflection. No matter how many layers of blusher she added, deep down she knew her mum would undoubtedly detect the tired aura that permanently existed around her. Would it also be noticeable that she dyed her own hair and that she looked a few years older than the thirty-eight she'd lived?

Suddenly it occurred to her that if her mum had arrived by now, she might think she hadn't turned up so, with a start, she hurried back out of the loo only to immediately
spot her mother sitting at a table, looking as nervous and anxious as she felt.

She was so much older.

Of course this was obviously going to be the case and yet no matter how much common sense told you to expect someone you hadn't seen for decades to have aged, it didn't stop it from being a shock. Her mum looked far more like a grandmother these days. It was the strangest thing.

Tears immediately pricked her eyes. It was so ridiculously good to see her but perhaps it wasn't until this very second that she realised not only just how much she'd missed her but also how much she'd missed out
on
.

Unsure how to behave, she was a bag of nerves as she approached the table.

‘Mum,' she said, completely choked.

‘Oh Jennifer,' said her mother, leaping to her feet, nerves clearly frayed by the stress of the situation. ‘You're here. I can't believe it.'

‘Neither can I,' said Jennifer and the two women stared at one another, both too moved to speak.

‘Oh come here,' her mum said eventually, gesturing to her daughter to give her a hug.

As they embraced Jennifer couldn't help it, she sobbed noisily into her mum's shoulder. Eighteen years was a long time to go without seeing your mum.

‘I'm sorry,' she repeated, that being all she could manage for now.

‘Me too,' said Lesley with meaning. Finally she broke their embrace and motioned to Jennifer to sit down opposite her.

‘Now,' she said briskly, determined not to let the emotion of the moment overwhelm proceedings. ‘Come on, we'd better pull ourselves together or they'll be sending in the men in white coats for us. Shall we order some tea and cake?'

Jennifer nodded as she sat down, before grabbing a white paper napkin out of the stainless steel holder to blow her nose on. ‘Oh gosh, I'm so sorry about weeping. I really didn't want to be like this.'

She looked up to see that her mum was staring at her and for a few seconds she stared back.

‘Do I look awful?' asked Jennifer feebly.

‘No, love,' said her mother, her whole face suddenly crumpling, ‘you look absolutely wonderful, a sight for sore eyes.' And with that, despite all her best efforts not to, she burst into tears herself.

‘Oh Mum,' said Jennifer, feeling stricken and standing up to reach across the table. ‘Come here.'

Her mum gladly accepted a second hug and they stood like that for some time, in a very awkward position, one that neither of them wished to change. Suddenly what anyone else in the cafe might be thinking was totally unimportant.

Finally they let go again and as they both sat down Jennifer absorbed every detail of her mum's face. She was
so lined, so grey. She'd put on weight and looked quite tubby around her middle. She also looked like home.

‘So, have you been happy?' asked Lesley, getting straight to the heart of things.

Of all the questions her mum could have started with, Jennifer wished it hadn't been that.

‘Um…yes,' she replied hesitantly after a lengthy pause, which kind of said it all.

‘And Aidan, has he been good to you?'

‘Yeah Mum, Aidan's fine. I know you have this idea that he's some kind of monster but he honestly isn't.'

‘And Nathan?'

‘He's amazing. It's just so sad you've never been able to find that out for yourself.'

‘There's still time,' said Lesley, pulling a hanky from her handbag and gripping it so tightly that the blood drained from her knuckles. ‘If he'd see me I'd love to take him out perhaps? I don't know, I mean what do you think?'

Jennifer's heart ached as she took in her mum's pained expression. How much time had they wasted?

‘I'm sure he'd love that,' said Jennifer at once. ‘He's a real sweetie. Tries to pretend he's all cool in front of his mates but it's all a front. Underneath he's soft as butter.'

‘You've got a Northern accent you know.'

‘No,' said Jennifer. ‘Have I?'

‘Ooh definitely,' replied her mother.

‘So what do you want to do now then? Shall I get you
this tea and cake?' asked Jennifer after a time, not particularly relishing the idea of showing her the drab flat where she lived. Ideally she'd postpone that a while longer.

‘Do you know what? I think I might have changed my mind. I'm not sure I could eat cake after all. Not like me…Shall we have a little walk instead?' suggested Lesley. ‘That train journey was a long time sitting down. It would be nice to stretch my legs.'

‘Good idea,' agreed Jennifer, motioning to the waitress that she'd like to pay for her coffee.

Then they gathered their bags and left the warmth of the steamy cafe for the cooler streets of Carlisle.

‘It's so good to see you, Mum,' she said.

By way of reply her mother extended a hand out of the sleeve of her coat and reached for Jennifer's in order to give it a little squeeze.

And in that small moment it appeared that things were perhaps going to be OK.

Jennifer left work at six o'clock on the dot after what had been a relatively successful day. That afternoon she'd managed to secure a deal on a three bedroom house which had been lingering on their books unsold for far too long. The manager had been so happy to finally get shot of it that he'd been particularly complimentary to Jennifer about her selling skills. Although deep down, Jennifer wondered if anything she ever said when showing people round properties actually made the blindest bit of difference to whether or not they ended up deciding to buy them. When guiding people round she sometimes caught herself solemnly saying things like, ‘And this is the bathroom', as if she were enlightening them with knowledge they'd otherwise not have been able to figure out themselves. Still, she wasn't about to let her boss know that she'd been pretty much superfluous to the buyer's decision making process and allowed him to believe instead that without her the agency would still be lumbered with a three bed that most people in their right minds would never purchase due to the
fact the ground floor was so dark it felt like a dungeon.

Feeling chirpier than she had in a while, having for once been surprised by a bit of job satisfaction, as she wandered home she contemplated the upcoming weekend. Tomorrow was Friday and once the children were in bed she planned on reprising her original plan of putting on some tarty underwear and seducing her husband. And this time it
would
work and they
would
have sex and they would reconnect on lots of levels and all would be well. After all, there was a huge possibility that a lot of this angst she'd been experiencing lately was down to the fact she simply needed a good shag.

Then, on Saturday, the girls both had parties to go to and she and Max were out in the evening for dinner with friends she actually liked.

Yes, she'd definitely been worrying far too much lately about stuff that in the grand scheme of things was probably all fairly manageable and not too disastrous. No one was dying. Everyone had their health. She was a lucky girl and needed to keep reminding herself of this fact.

Nearly at the bottom of her road she realised her phone was vibrating away in her handbag.

Scrabbling around for it, she caught it just before it went to answer phone.

It was their nanny, Ivana.

‘Hello,' she said, wondering what she wanted and betting they'd run out of something.

‘Jennifer…'

Oh god thought Jennifer at once for Ivana sounded very distraught. Her heart skipped a beat and hundreds of thoughts flashed through her mind in a nanosecond before Ivana finally managed to utter ‘I'm so sorry, I think Eadie's broken her arm.'

Oh. My. God.

Later, around the time Jennifer had originally been hoping to be sliding into a nice relaxing bath, she and Max were sitting at Kingston hospital, feeling traumatised and looking almost as white in the face as the cast that was now wrapped around their eldest daughter's arm.

Jennifer felt a shadow of her former self having experienced the most stressful few hours of her life. The image of Eadie's arm sticking out at such a bizarre angle seemed to be burned into her retinas and would undoubtedly never leave her.

Upon racing into the house she'd found her daughter in a state of shock, lying on the couch in a daze, white as a sheet with her arm at said disgusting angle which Jennifer had struggled with even being able to look at. She'd stroked her daughter's brow and told her everything would be all right, grateful that Eadie was so still and calm because being totally honest the arm thing made her feel very nauseous. Ivana had already called the ambulance but she was wracked with guilt and worry and was literally wringing her hands, pleading with Jennifer for
forgiveness. Not that by the sound of it she could have done anything to have prevented the accident. Eadie had simply been bouncing on the trampoline in the garden just as she did most days after school. She'd slipped, had landed awkwardly and that had been that. Jennifer knew this was the case and despite maternal instinct wanting desperately to have someone or something to blame she knew this wouldn't be fair so kept her counsel.

The minute the ambulance arrived though, Jennifer burst into tears, simply at the relief of someone medically trained finally being in their presence.

‘Is she going to be all right?' she wailed.

‘She'll be fine, but let's get her to the hospital as soon as we can.'

By now the shock was starting to wear off, meaning Eadie was suddenly far more aware of the pain she was in. At this point she started really crying and repeatedly yelling ‘Ow, ow, ow' until she'd wound herself up into a terrible state. She didn't want the ambulance men or anyone else for that matter to move her so getting her into the ambulance was a bit of an ordeal to say the least.

Jennifer hated seeing her daughter so distressed but knew she had to remain strong at least till Max could join them. Thankfully she'd got through to him on his mobile straight away and between them they'd decided that the best plan would be to meet at the hospital while Ivana stayed at the house to look after Polly, the only one in the
family who seemed perfectly oblivious to the drama going on around her.

Eventually, in the ambulance, the medics were able to administer some heavy duty pain relief to Eadie which they assured Jennifer would slightly sedate her and calm her down. Jennifer spent the rest of the journey wondering if it would shed her in a bad light if she were to ask if she could have some too.

Once they'd finally arrived, the hospital was really busy so they had to wait for ages in A and E before anyone could attend to them properly. When Eadie was eventually wheeled into a room to have her arm x-rayed and set in a cast, Jennifer was still without her husband so had to continue being stoic while ignoring the desire to retch every time her gaze fell upon her little girl's bent arm. When Max eventually arrived at the hospital, having jogged all the way from the train station, he was a sweaty stressed mess and Jennifer realised she had never been so happy to see anyone in her life. He was waiting for them as they emerged from the treatment room. Eadie was on a trolley, pale and whimpering, and he immediately gave his daughter an enormous, reassuring hug.

‘Are you OK, Eadie Beady?' he soothed, stroking his daughter's hair and kissing her puffy face so tenderly it nearly set Jennifer off.

‘It still hurts,' Eadie moaned, holding her rigid
plaster-casted arm out. Remembering what lay beneath and the process which had occurred in order to get it back into a normal position Jennifer's stomach turned yet again. She'd have made a truly lousy nurse. Doctors and nurses were saints as far as she was concerned.

‘You are so brave,' Max said to his daughter. ‘And you know what brave people get?'

‘Presents?' Eadie tried hopefully, her puffy, tear-stained face looking something other than pained and distressed for the first time in hours.

‘Too blooming right they do,' said Max. ‘Sackfuls of them, maybe even a Wii?'

‘Yeah,' squealed Eadie, her face a picture of disbelief. Her parents had always said she couldn't have a Wii for another two years. Maybe it had been worth breaking her arm after all?

Seeing her little girl look vaguely comforted meant Jennifer didn't even get annoyed by Max's slightly dubious parental approach. Sod it, if Eadie wanted a Wii, at this stage frankly she could have one. She was just grateful that Max was here. For the first time in a long while she recalled how much she loved him, why she'd married him and the security and comfort that doing so had brought into her life.

It's amazing how things can turn on a sixpence.

As soon as they'd got Eadie to the ward, off the trolley and settled into her bed Max suddenly turned to his wife and said ‘Can I have a word?' which struck Jennifer as a
bit odd. He was her husband. He could say what he liked. He hardly needed to make an appointment.

‘Course you can. Eadie darling, you try and close your eyes now and have a little rest.'

Eadie must have been completely exhausted because she didn't put up any resistance to her mother's suggestion at all and merely closed her eyes at which point Jennifer and Max pulled the curtain shut around her bed and tiptoed out into the corridor.

‘Who was keeping an eye on her when it happened?' Max demanded to know as soon as they were out of earshot. His voice was full of rage.

‘What do you mean?' said Jennifer who by now was so tired she could only think about getting home and to bed. ‘You know who was—Ivana.'

‘Well, how could she allow this to happen? I know the kids like her but after this I think we have to ask ourselves if we can really entrust the care of our children to her.'

‘Oh for goodness sakes, Max. It could so easily have been one of us. It was an accident. It's not like Ivana went up to her and snapped her arm in two.'

‘But that's the thing,' retaliated Max. ‘It wasn't one of us. It was Ivana, who's a very nice girl but is she responsible enough to be in charge of our kids? Given that we're standing in a hospital I'd suggest the answer might be no.'

‘Why are you sounding annoyed with me?' seethed Jennifer. ‘What the hell have I done? Our daughter's broken her arm and you're standing here yelling at me.'

‘I'm not yelling,' yelled Max, ‘but to be honest I do resent the way you've always made me feel like a bastard for preferring my kids to be looked after by one of us rather than a stranger. And then this happens.'

‘Well then why don't you bloody well resign then and look after them yourself?' said Jennifer, who had probably never been more angry in her entire life. ‘Because what you're basically intimating is that I'm a terrible mother and that somehow this is all my fault because I had the audacity to be at work today. Well fuck you, Max.'

Max flinched but his expression remained stony. ‘Don't make a scene, people are watching.'

‘I couldn't give a shit,' she said, lowering her tone slightly. ‘And don't you dare make Ivana feel bad when we get back either, because if you do I will be absolutely livid. No one feels worse about what's happened than her right now. She loves the girls to pieces and all my friends comment on how wonderful she is when they see her out and about with them. Now, before I lose it completely, we need to find out when we can get out of here. Eadie's exhausted.'

‘She's not the only one,' said Max, looking shifty and Jennifer could tell then that deep down he knew he'd been out of order.

Suddenly she didn't feel cross any more, just tired to the marrow of her bones.

‘I'm sorry,' mumbled Max.

‘Whatever,' said Jennifer, past caring.

‘I'm sorry,' he repeated. ‘It's just stressful that's all. On the way here I kept thinking how I was in and out of A and E as a kid but you still can't help panicking.'

‘I know,' said Jennifer. ‘And I was here and had to deal with it. But we have to keep it in perspective. It's a broken arm and it'll mend. What we should probably be more worried about is the fact that our youngest might be a psychopath. I've literally never seen anyone so unbothered by witnessing someone in horrific pain as she was.'

‘Right, I'll go and see if we can get out of here,' said Max, looking sheepish. ‘I know they said we should wait to have the cast checked again but I'm tempted to say that we'll bring her back in the morning and get it looked at then.'

‘OK,' agreed Jennifer, equally keen to get home. As Max went off in search of a doctor, Jennifer returned to Eadie who by now was fast asleep, worn out by her stressful experience.

When Max arrived back ten minutes later he gave her a thumbs up. ‘We can go, we just need to sign a form on the way out.'

‘Great,' said Jennifer. ‘Though it almost seems a shame we'll have to wake her up now.'

‘Well when our cab's here I'll carry her, that way, with a bit of luck she might stay asleep. Then, when we get back, I might eBay that bloody trampoline you know.'

‘Do it,' said Jennifer vehemently.

‘And perhaps I'll take the day off work tomorrow,' he
suggested. ‘That way we can bring Eadie back here to get checked together?'

‘If you want,' said Jennifer who could tell he was trying to make amends.

‘Plus we're both knackered so it would give us a chance to have a bit of a chill out.'

‘I suppose….oh shit.'

‘What?'

‘I'm supposed to be seeing my therapist tomorrow. My appointment's at eleven. I'll have to cancel if Eadie's not at school.'

‘You didn't tell me,' said Max regarding his wife quizzically.

‘It's no big deal,' said Jennifer.

‘Well, you shouldn't cancel. Doesn't she charge for missed appointments?'

‘Yeah.'

‘Well, you go then and I'll bring Eadie on my own,' said Max still trying to make up for what he'd said earlier.

‘Fine.'

‘Great.'

Inside Jennifer still felt murderous towards him but teetering on the verge of wanting a divorce was so terrifying it galvanised her into making more of an effort than she normally would. ‘And then tomorrow night,' she found herself saying, ‘we should perhaps, you know, have a bit of a romantic night in. If you know what I mean?'

‘Sounds good to me,' said Max hesitantly, wondering
what to do with this slight curveball. ‘And impressive that despite the strip lighting, smell of antiseptic and our bandaged child being only feet away you've still got sex on your brain whereas here I am thinking how I might finish that wardrobe off properly.'

‘Yes, well it would be nice not to have it lying on the floor any more,' Jennifer replied, faintly embarrassed and fed up beyond belief.

‘I'll get you lying on the floor,' said Max, assuming he'd been forgiven and pinching her bum.