If You're Not the One (26 page)

‘Or perhaps you'd be with Steve and wondering if you should have gone off with Max while you had the chance? It's impossible to say,' mused Susan, ‘and it's also very difficult to reflect on the past and remember how we truly felt at the time when our perception is so coloured by the present.'

‘Mm,' agreed Jennifer, who was pretty sure this would be one of those comments she'd need to go away and think about before making up her mind.

‘Perhaps for next week you should concentrate on trying to reconnect with Max again. Try telling him how you're feeling. I think you could be surprised by the results.'

‘Really?'

‘Really,' said Susan kindly and it occurred to Jennifer that she hadn't wanted to punch her in the face for a whole
twenty minutes. Progress. This was a pretty good session.

‘I tried to seduce him last week but it failed miserably,' admitted Jennifer for no other reason than the memory had just popped into her head.

‘How do you mean failed? Could he not perform?'

Jennifer wrinkled up her nose, embarrassed. ‘No, nothing like that. I just got all dressed up in a bid to make an effort but he didn't even come upstairs to see me when he got home from work so I gave up.'

‘OK,' said Susan. ‘So Max wasn't actually aware that you were trying to seduce him?'

‘No.'

‘So what you were really upset about wasn't being rejected, but the fact that when he got home from work he didn't seek you out?'

‘I suppose so,' sighed Jennifer.

‘Well, perhaps you need to tell him what your needs are. He may be totally unaware of how you're feeling and he at least deserves the chance to put things right. No?'

Jennifer shrugged. She almost preferred it when Susan remained impartial.

‘How are the anti-depressants going?'

‘I've stopped taking them,' admitted Jennifer.

‘Why?'

Another shrug.

‘OK, well it's not for me to tell you what you do but I strongly recommend you go back to your doctor and
discuss that with him. If you are suffering from depression you need to give them a chance to work.'

‘I don't think I need them,' said Jennifer.

‘What do you think you need?' Susan asked softly.

‘I think, after having talked to you today that I need to talk to Max properly and to try and set aside some time for us to perhaps go away and attempt to sort things out.'

‘That sounds like a very positive idea.'

A while later Jennifer left Susan's house feeling considerably better than she had when she'd first arrived. There was clearly not going to be an overnight solution to how she was feeling. She still had a lot of thinking to do and it would take time, but one thing she could take control of was trying to save her marriage. It felt like a step in the right direction.

Jennifer's brain was beginning to slowly recover from the accident. Most of the time she was still existing in her otherworldly state. However, these periods were now interspersed with short spells during which her consciousness allowed her to connect properly with the here and now.

After tunnel number two had shut behind her for the last time Jennifer had been beside herself with distress. She'd experienced love on a level she hadn't previously known was possible and then she'd died. It was all so incredibly painful.

She'd been so distraught and grief-stricken that when that depth of emotion had coincided with reality it had been too much to cope with, causing her to suffer a seizure. The machines bleeping had signified the second when her brain had truly engaged with the enormity of what would have happened in France had she chosen that path in life.

Ever since, she'd felt like a wounded animal. Her body was getting stronger though and refused to give up its battle
for recovery. This, coupled with willpower and emotional resilience she never previously would have given herself credit for, meant that eventually Jennifer was ready to consider her next move. It was that or give up, but her instinct to survive was stronger. So she'd decided that she had to hold onto the fact that the painful outcome in France hadn't been her true fate, or the one she'd really chosen. It was utterly tragic but thank god none of it had come to pass. Those children didn't lose a mother because they didn't really exist. Joe didn't lose the love of his life. Only then it occurred to her that he might actually exist in the real world…but the idea was too mind boggling to even contemplate.

She turned her attentions and focus to the fact that there was still another tunnel to explore. Tunnel number three was beckoning to her. Its light entranced her, beguiled her and promised something completely different to the experience she'd just had. This would be her life with Steve. With sweet, good looking, gentle Steve. Surely this life would have been more straightforward? The first two tunnels were completely sealed off. The third was waiting and shining brighter than ever.

What Could Have Been—Steve

Steve whistled appreciatively. ‘You look stunning, babe. Absolutely stunning. Let me take a picture.'

Jennifer struck a pose. Hands on hips she stared suggestively down the lens of his digital camera.

‘Flipping heck,' said Steve, looking at the result. ‘Check you out.'

Jennifer came over to have a look and had to admit it was a good one. She looked quite the vamp.

‘Doesn't she look like a model, Mum?'

‘Ooh she does,' agreed June, frantically dusting and arranging her commemorative plates in one of her glass-fronted cabinets. She'd bought the entire set on QVC a fortnight ago and had been beside herself with excitement when they'd arrived earlier. There were eight plates in total and each one depicted a different member of the Royal family at various events. The one which featured Princess Beatrice grinning inanely had become a secret favourite in an ‘it's
so bad it's good'
sort of way.

‘Lovely colour. I like you in brights.'

‘Thanks,' said Jennifer, who was pleased with her new dress. She felt sexy in it. It was bright pink, quite fitted and showed off her figure. Being with Steve these last couple of years had given her a newfound confidence in her body. He complimented her every day and always seemed to mean it sincerely. He always noticed when she'd had her hair done, or when she was wearing something new and had an opinion on what he liked her in which she found very sexy. Yes it was important to dress for yourself, but it was an added bonus if how you looked made your boyfriend want to take your clothes off. He hadn't asked her yet but one day Jennifer suspected that if ever they got that far, it might make shopping for a wedding dress far easier too because he was even able to verbalise his idea of a beautiful looking bride (hair up, dress which wasn't too big). Though having said that, whenever he alluded to their future together, a few doubts had started to creep in recently. For a long time now Steve had just assumed they'd stay together forever but seemed to have forgotten along the way to ask her what she felt about this.

‘Right, Mum, I'll see you soon. I'll be staying at Jen's for the next few nights or so,' said Steve, grabbing his jacket.

‘Oh really? All right then love,' said June, looking downcast.

‘What?'

‘No, no it's nothing,' said June, rearranging Prince
Andrew into a more prominent position and relegating Princess Anne firmly to the back. She had a most definite pecking order.

Jennifer tried to ignore the nugget of irritation which was building in her stomach. She hated it when people said ‘nothing' when clearly there was ‘something'. With June there was always ‘something'.

‘Come on,' cajoled Steve, his voice laden with patience like he was talking to a small child. ‘Let's be having it. There's obviously something on your mind and we're not leaving for this party till you've spat it out.'

Jennifer didn't necessarily agree with this last statement. If June took too long she for one would definitely be off.

‘Honestly, it's nothing.'

‘Mum…'

‘No, it's silly really,' said June, ‘it's just I assumed you were coming back here so I went and got everything in for a roast tomorrow.

Steve looked stricken. ‘Oh no, did you?'

Eager to leave, Jennifer quickly assessed the situation. ‘I tell you what,' she chimed in, ‘why don't we just crash at mine tonight as planned? That way we don't have to spend a fortune on a taxi or leave the party early, but then we could always come back here tomorrow for lunch couldn't we?'

‘But what about you getting to work on Monday, babe?'

Damn. To be fair Jennifer hadn't totally thought that one through but she could hardly backtrack now. ‘Hmm, well…I guess I'll either have to go back home tomorrow night or I could just leave here very, very early on Monday morning.'

She was rewarded for her peacekeeping efforts with a ridiculously grateful smile from Steve who she knew hated upsetting his mum. The two of them were extremely close and it was just another aspect of Steve's comparative warmth she'd always appreciated and had been surprised by when they'd first got together. Tim had barely given his mum the time of day. He'd never been able to get her off the phone quick enough, always answering her questions with bullet points and hardly ever bothering to enquire after her. But Steve checked in with June daily and told her everything. They had an amazing relationship really, although lately Jennifer had found herself wishing he'd stick up for himself a bit more when she was being bossy. Sometimes it seemed like she had her son wrapped around her acrylic nailed little finger.

‘Really?' said June. ‘You'd come back tomorrow? It's just since Derek and I split up Sundays can be so lonely. But only come if it's not a pain.'

It would be a pain. A massive pain. Jennifer had been desperately excited about spending a rare day in bed doing nothing. Now they'd be trekking across town with hangovers, but to hell with it, at least she wouldn't have to cope
with Steve feeling guilty and fretting about his mum all day. Plus they'd get fed.

‘Course it isn't a pain,' said Steve. ‘How could it be a pain when it involves having one of your roasts?'

Jennifer cringed.

‘What roast is it anyway?'

‘Your favourite,' said June. ‘Beef.'

Steve pulled a face similar to the one he made during orgasm, sort of cross-eyed with bliss. He rubbed his hands together. ‘Nice one, Mum. Can't wait. Right my gorgeous, shall we go?'

On the tube, Steve thanked Jennifer profusely. ‘I'm so sorry babe, I know you were really looking forward to lying in all day. It's so kind what you did and so typical of you to be so unselfish.'

‘That's all right,' said Jennifer. ‘As long as you promise me that next time you'll make it totally clear, days in advance, that we're definitely not coming back. So she doesn't get all that bloody food in.'

‘Hmm,' said Steve, looking torn, clearly debating whether or not he should be divulging what he was about to tell her next. ‘Actually, I kind of did to be honest, but I think she just loves having us around so much she chose to forget.'

Jennifer wished Steve hadn't told her this. If June had in fact manipulated them into coming back to Leytonstone
tomorrow it was actually very irritating, especially since she was now facing a horrible trek to work on Monday. Suddenly she felt far less inclined to be doing June the favour. Dammit.

Steve picked up her hand and gave it a little squeeze. ‘I'll make it up to you, babe.'

Jennifer took a deep breath, and tried not to let anything ruin the night. She'd been looking forward to this party for ages. It was Esther's boyfriend Toby's best mate's party and promised to be a really good night. According to Esther there was going to be an amazing DJ, loads of booze, plus all her best friends would be there. Toby was a good laugh too so his mates were bound to be up for it.

‘You know what my mum's like,' persevered Steve. He could tell Jennifer was fed up. ‘Like I said she just loves our company and you know how lonely she gets.'

‘I know,' said Jennifer, only she couldn't quite leave it at that. Usually she never dared criticise the mother-ship but today it felt warranted. ‘Only perhaps, just occasionally, you could try putting me first? After all, we do spend a lot of time bending over backwards to make sure she's happy and if I'd known she was being sneaky I would never have offered to go back tomorrow. You always go on about how she wants to see both of us, but it's kind of annoying because she doesn't really. She wants to see you. Not me.'

‘That's not true, babe,' said Steve looking genuinely
aghast. ‘She loves you. Only the other day she was asking when she's going to be a grandma.'

‘And what did you say?' asked Jennifer slightly frostily.

‘I said as soon as I could persuade you to have my babies.'

‘Well, you're going to have to wait a bit longer I'm afraid.'

‘I know,' said Steve, ‘one more year.'

As the tube rattled through the tunnels, Jennifer despaired. Steve insisted on hanging on to that ‘one more year' for dear life. She'd only said it to shut him up. She definitely wanted to start a family at some point but they weren't even engaged yet and she hated the pressure. She loved Steve very much but his constant nagging to have a baby was starting to get on her nonlactating tits.

‘And again, her becoming a grandma has got nothing to do with me. It's the baby she's after,' she added through gritted teeth, her mood worsening by the second.

‘All right,' warned Steve. He was a softie all right but not when it came to his mother and Jennifer knew she was treading a fine line before he got annoyed, although given the mood she was in she wasn't sure she cared.

‘Look, I'm sorry OK, and I know it's going to be a bit of a ball-ache tomorrow but we can laze around until at least ten thirty and it's not
that
much of a big deal going back. At least we'll be getting Mum's roasties.'

Jennifer battled with the urge to tell him she'd always
found his mum's ‘roasties' a bit oily and that what she really fancied tomorrow was a nice dirty Chinese takeaway.

‘Oh shit, I forgot to tell you, babe,' said Steve, wisely changing the subject. ‘You know Mum entered me in for that competition?'

‘Ye-es.'

‘They've only gone and been in touch. They want to get me in for a meeting or something. Or maybe even a, hang on, what did they call it? Oh yeah, a screen test.'

Steve had chosen his timing well. This was an instant distraction.

‘I can't believe you didn't tell me. That's hilarious!'

‘I know, although I reckon they probably only looked at her entry because no doubt she keeps the entire company afloat with her spending habits.'

Jennifer laughed. This was golden gossip. She couldn't believe Steve was only just telling her now and it certainly helped improve her mood.

‘So are you going to go? When is it?'

‘Nah,' said Steve dismissively. ‘Can you imagine me fumbling my way through a “screen test”? I get embarrassed enough as it is just having my photo taken, let alone talking on camera.'

‘Still,' said Jennifer, ‘can you imagine what a housewives' favourite you'd be?

Steve frowned, assuming she was taking the piss.

‘I'm not joking. You've seen the usual cheese-balls that work on those channels. I saw one the other day who was so brown he looked mahogany, his suit was shiny and his eyes were slightly too close together. You'd be the fittest thing they'd ever clapped eyes on.'

Steve rolled his eyes and shook his head.

‘Seriously babe, I reckon they'd love you. Plus there's nothing you don't know about DIY so it's not like you wouldn't be in your comfort zone.' Jennifer laughed, mainly at herself. ‘I can't believe I'm encouraging you but you never know. You might find you're good and I bet they'd pay well too.'

‘Well, you're very sweet baby but somehow being
Price Smash's
DIY expert isn't exactly a dream I'm up for pursuing. No matter how much Mum insists.'

Jennifer felt a definite sense of satisfaction that for once it looked like he was going to defy mummy dearest. Steve was right, if he were to work on one of her beloved shopping channels she'd be the happiest woman ever. Still, in this instance she was kind of on June's side. She couldn't see what he had to lose. He was a great plumber but in terms of broadening his horizons, prospects and earning power this could be his big opportunity.

Jennifer tried another tactic. ‘She'll be devastated if you don't go. She'd never forgive you. I heard her telling Sue about it only the other day. She was so pleased with what she'd sent in and to be fair I was very cynical about it. I reckoned so many people would enter that you
wouldn't stand a chance, so she's done well. I bet hundreds entered.'

‘Hm,' said Steve, still not looking wholly convinced. ‘Price
Smash
is hardly QVC though is it?'

‘Oh I don't know, I'd say it's definitely up there.' At that point Jennifer started chuckling. ‘Oh my god, listen to me. What have I become? I'd never so much as glimpsed a shopping channel before I met you. Now I'm a bloody connoisseur.'

‘I know,' laughed Steve. ‘It sort of seeps in though doesn't it? Even I nearly got sucked in the other day. I sat down to have a beer, fully meaning to switch over and watch something proper. Next thing I knew I'd watched ten minutes of someone talking about an air fryer and was on the verge of buying one.'

Jennifer cackled whole-heartedly before eventually spluttering, ‘How much do you reckon she spent last month alone on crap from those channels?'

‘Dread to think,' said Steve drily. ‘I caught her buying a steam mop the other day and that disgusting necklace she gave Sue for her birthday, I know for a fact was bought from one or other of them. It might even have been
Price Smash
actually.'

Their shared despair of both June's viewing and buying habits succeeded in defusing what otherwise could have become a row and for much of the remainder of the journey they sat together in comfortable silence. As the train finally pulled into Hammersmith however, Steve leaned
in and whispered, ‘One day you're going to be the best mum in the world you know, babe. Even better than mine.'

Jennifer laughed.

‘What?' said Steve, looking a bit miffed that his stab at being romantic was being giggled at.

‘Bloody hell, Steve,' she exclaimed, ‘until the day I give birth you really are not going to let it lie are you? You've got to change the record! You make me feel like a walking womb sometimes.'