Illicit: A Forbidden Romance (15 page)

I
n the third
week of December, I headed to the Broward campus of Florida International University for Joss’s commencement ceremony. With a formal invitation and a wrapped package in hand, I walked into the auditorium and found a seat in the back, all the while searching for that one face in the sea of thousands.

But I didn’t see Joss until an hour into the ceremony, when they finally called her name and she walked up on the stage. I found myself rising to my feet, mesmerized by the sight of her, as she shook the dean’s hand. Then she turned to smile for the photographer and, somehow, her eyes flicked across the room and met mine. In this packed auditorium, she found me. I had to believe that meant something.

I lifted my hand in a wave but she just turned away and walked off the stage.

Feeling stupid, I sat my ass back down.

A
fter the ceremony
, I moved through the crowd, my height an advantage as I searched the room for that familiar head of blonde hair. I spotted Joss rushing to the side of the room, trying to make a hasty exit, but someone stopped her with a hug. I made my way over, taking hold of her arm before she could escape.

“Congratulations,” I said, beaming at her.

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” she said.

“I wouldn’t have missed it.”

She stared at the invitation in my hand, her eyebrows furrowed. “I didn’t send you an invitation.”

“You didn’t?”

She shook her head. “Why? Why would I want you here?”

I took a deep breath, trying to quell the burning in my chest. Wow, that hurt more than expected. “Okay, well,” I said when the pain had subsided to a muted stabbing in the gut. “Congratulations.” I handed her the gift, turned on a heel, and left.

I stomped to my truck, ripping the tie away from my throat. Why the hell had I bothered?

“Jake.”

Joss’s voice floated over the parking lot, gluing my shoes to the asphalt. But I kept my back turned, trying to catch my breath. “What?” I called over my shoulder.

Her heels clicked as she came closer. Then her hand touched my shoulder. “I’m sorry.” She stepped around in front of me, looking like a vision. Her blonde hair glowed in the sunlight, like a wavy halo around her beautiful face. “I didn’t mean that.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “What? That you didn’t invite me or that you didn’t want me here?”

“I wasn’t the one who sent you the invitation. But it’s good to see you.” Her green eyes flew all over my face before venturing down, taking in my slacks and button-down shirt. Hell, I was even wearing my good shoes. “You look nice,” she said.

I tried to keep my cool in this muggy heat, pretending the spike in my body temperature had nothing to do with the woman before me. “Where’s your mom?” I asked, sounding grumpier than I felt.

The light in her eyes dimmed. “She was too weak so she stayed home.”

“What about your dad? Did you invite him?”

She nodded. “He didn’t RSVP either.”

I let out a breath. I would have given anything to hold her right then, to let her know I would always try to be there for her. Instead, I jerked my head toward the gift in her hand. “I hope you like it.”

She started to tear at the wrapping. “Thank you. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Of course I did,” I said, a warm glow radiating in my chest. “I’m proud of you.”

Her eyes flicked up to mine. “Careful, Jake. That sounded almost paternal,” she teased before unwrapping the gift. “Oh,” she breathed, turning the dark brown leather notebook over in her hands, her fingers tracing over her embossed name on the front.

“It’s similar to a sketchbook I once had, except this is a journal.”

She blinked up at me with a strange look but said nothing.

“What?” I asked, peering into her face.

“Thank you,” she said. “It’s beautiful.”

“I figured you could write our story.” I took a step closer, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Or rewrite it, maybe.”

She tipped her head back to look at me, a wistful grin on her face. Before she could say anything, her phone rang. “Hey, Mom,” she said, turning away from me. The phone call was short and in no time, Joss faced me again, but the spell was broken. Reality had once again seeped back in. “I’d better go. Mom has to go to the hospital for chemo.”

“Do you want some help?” I offered automatically, not wanting to be separated again.

“No. I got it.” She stared at me for the longest time, like she wanted to say something but couldn’t gather the courage. Finally, she said, “I’m happy you came today.” When she stood on her toes and pressed a soft but lingering kiss on my cheek, I closed my eyes and breathed her in. “Thank you,” she whispered before pulling away.

As I watched her walk away, I felt a shift in the wind, a sure sign that things were about to change. Little did I know just how much.

T
he next day
I received a text message while I was helping a customer at the store.

Jake, it’s Amanda. Can you come over to the house?

I’ll be right there.

I finished up with the customer, helping her load the armchair into the back of her SUV before closing up the shop a few hours early. Then I rushed to Pembroke Pines, and into the subdivision that was once so familiar to me.

I went in through the unlocked front door. “Hello?” I called out, half expecting to find Joss reading on the couch. The bookcase was back in its original place, completing the room once more.

I found Amanda in the bedroom, sitting up in bed. The sight of her looking so frail and thin took my breath away. “How are you?” I asked, approaching slowly.

“Still dying.” She touched the scarf wrapped around her head. “Chemo’s doing a number on my hair.”

“Did you send me that invitation to Joss’s graduation?” I blurted out.

“No beating around the bush with you,” she said with a grin. “Yes. I sent it. I just couldn’t bear the thought of Joss walking on that stage without anyone to see her.”

Neither of us spoke for a long time, both lost in our thoughts. I kept my gaze direct and open.

“I knew about the cancer for a long time,” Amanda finally said.

Her words took a few moments to sink in. “You did? When?”

“After our visit to the OB, I got a call saying my pap smear was abnormal. I went back in for a biopsy and they found… something.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You and I were already over by then.”

“I meant to Joss.”

Amanda broke eye contact. “I couldn’t.” She began to pick at the tape covering the IV needle in her hand. “I couldn’t put that on her shoulders too. She already blames herself for so much.”

I reached out and touched her hand, knowing she wasn’t just talking about Joss. “None of this was your fault either,” I said gently.

She looked up with a spark of the old Amanda in her eyes. “I know. It’s yours.”

I nodded, taking shallow breaths.

Her fingers wrapped around my hand, squeezing. “I’m kidding, Jake. I don’t blame you, not for the cancer at least. But for the rest...” I opened my mouth to apologize when she shook her head. “Do you think you would have still let yourself fall for Joss if you’d known about the cancer?”

It took me a few minutes to wrap my mind around the theoretical scenario, but my head was already shaking before I could come up with a response that wouldn’t hurt. “It wasn’t a choice. Falling for Joss was—”

“Inevitable,” she finished for me, her eyes shining with tears.

“Yeah.” I let out a breath. The truth was that my feelings for Joss were completely independent of my relationship with Amanda. “You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.”

“Jake, I need you to do me a favor.”

“Anything,” I said without hesitation. “What do you need?”

“I need you to take care of Joss,” she said, her voice raw with emotion. “She’ll need you when I’m gone.”

“Don’t even talk like that. You’re going to get better.” I let out a breath, sure that the room had gotten ten degrees hotter in the last few seconds.

Amanda shook her head, a tear sliding down her pale cheek. “And if I can’t?”

“You will.”

“But in case I don’t…”

“You will.” I sat on the edge of the bed, her hand still in mine. “You’re the great Amanda Blake. There’s nothing you can’t conquer.”

“Except love.” She let out a humorless laugh. “And also, cancer.”

I stared at her, unable to speak. Sweat beaded on my forehead.

“Dying has a way of putting things in perspective. I’ve had a lot of time to think these past few months, between the hospital visits and the chemo and basically being too sick to get out of bed. It helped me see what I couldn’t—or wouldn’t—before.” She licked her chapped lips. I handed her the cup of water from the nightstand and she took a grateful sip. “You feel something for her in a way you never did for me.”

“Amanda…”

She leveled me with a look. “We’re way past false denials here.”

I pressed my lips together, my nostrils flaring.

“I just need to know someone’s going to look out for her,” she continued. “To do what’s right by her, for her, with her, whatever. I just need to know someone’s going to be there for my daughter after I’m gone.”

Tears stung my eyes but I shook my head. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Please.” She was crying now, tears running freely down her face. “Promise me.”

I leaned over and pressed my lips to her forehead, sadness washing over me in waves. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

We looked at each other for long moments, an unfathomable sadness passing between us. And, despite it all, there was still love there and maybe, hopefully, forgiveness.

“Thanks,” she whispered.

We both turned at the sound of the doorbell. “I’ll get it,” I said, gathering my wits as I headed out of the bedroom. When I opened the front door, I came face to face with an older man with silver hair. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to come in,” he said, looking over my shoulder.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Patrick Blake. Amanda’s ex-husband.”

T
he man raised
an eyebrow and tipped his head. “And you are?”

“Jake.”

“Nice to meet you.” He held out a hand. “I didn’t realize Joss had a boyfriend.”

I shook his hand and stepped aside, letting him inside the house. It occurred to me to correct the misconception, but decided it didn’t matter.

He regarded me through narrow eyes. “How old did you say you were?”

“I didn’t.”

He bristled, regarding me through narrowed eyes. He didn’t like me, and the sentiment was returned twofold. Before neither of us could speak, Amanda called out, “Who is it?”

Patrick turned at the sound of voice, moving past me and heading to the bedroom without hesitation.

A second later, I heard Amanda gasp.

I
didn’t stay
. I went back home and tried to make sense of it all, tried to predict the fallout of Patrick’s arrival. How would Joss react knowing her dad was back?

A knock at the front door pulled me from my thoughts. I unlocked it to find Joss standing outside in the rain.

“My dad is back,” Joss breathed, her lips trembling.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her in from the downpour. She stood in the foyer, hair plastered to her head, water collecting at her feet.

“I know. I met him.” I grabbed a sweatshirt from the coat rack and held it out.

She ignored it, her green eyes fixed on me. “How?”

“Your mom asked me to come over to talk. Then your dad knocked on the door.”

“She asked you to come over? Why?”

I moved closer and dried her face, her arms. “She just wanted to talk. To clear the air between us.”

Her chin trembled, the air shuddering out of her. “So it’s true. It’s almost time,” she said on a whisper. “That’s why he’s here.”

“He probably came here for your graduation.”

She shook her head, swiping at the new moisture on her cheeks. “My mom thinks she’s protecting me by not telling me the truth. Is that what you’re doing?”

“No.”

She came to me, wrapping her arms around me and pressing her face into my chest. And I held her, smoothing her hair back and taking comfort in the giving, even as I got soaked in the process. “Your mom is a fighter, Joss. Don’t give up on her just yet.”

“My dad wants to stay and nurse my mom back to health. Like his presence is suddenly going to cure her of cancer,” she said, her voice laced with bitterness. “He told her he loved her, that he always had.”

“Do you believe him?”

“Would you?” she asked. “If you loved someone, would you be able to stay away that long?”

I stared down at her, imagining myself in his situation. “If I thought I was doing the right thing.” I held her face in my hands. “Even if it felt like my insides were getting ripped out of me, I would suffer through it all if it meant she’d have a better life.”

“He’ll leave her again,” she said through her teeth. “And me…” She pressed her face to my chest and began to sob. I wrapped my arms around her and tried to absorb the pain, imagining it drawing away from her and soaking into me. If only such a thing was possible.

Behind me I felt Joss’s hands gather fistfuls of my shirt, her body vibrating with anger. “Why would he come now? So he could watch her die?”

“Jocelyn…” I pulled back and tilted her face up. “Maybe he means to stay.”

“And what happens when she’s gone? He’ll go back to Houston and I’ll have nobody.”

I let out a soft breath. “You’ll have me.”

She blinked up at me for a long time. Finally, she reached up and touched her fingers to my lips, her features softening. “Can we be friends again?”

I blinked. “Friends?”

“We were friends before everything, remember? I miss that,” she said. “After all that’s happened, I could use a friend.”

With a sigh, I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I’ve never not been your friend.” Then I took a step back and gave her space.

She gave me one last look before pivoting around, turning her attention to my house. “It’s nice,” she said.

I looked around at the sparse space, and wondered if we were looking at the same thing. “I still need to get furniture.”

“Not like you know any furniture makers or anything,” she said with a hint of a grin. She walked over to the couch and picked up the book I’d left there, flipping it over to read the blurb. “Do you like it so far? I’ve heard it’s good but mired with a bunch of science-y mumbo jumbo.”

“It’s not too bad. Here—” I held out my hand and parked my ass down, flipping to the first page of the story and reading the hilarious first line.

Joss chuckled and sat down beside me. “Go on.”

So I did. When I was done with the first page, I looked up and found Joss leaning back with her eyes closed. “Keep reading,” she said. “I love the sound of your voice. It’s deep and soothing.”

“Get comfortable and I’ll read as long as you like.”

Shoe toed off her shoes and reclined on the couch, hesitating before setting her head on my lap. I knew we were steering into dangerous territory but having her so near felt too good to turn back.

But unlike the last time we were in this position, Joss seemed more relaxed, even content. I continued to read out loud, turning page after page, losing myself in the story. It was only much later I realized I’d been combing my fingers through her hair.

“Want me to go to the next chapter?” I asked and belatedly realized she had fallen asleep.

I ran the back of my fingers along her cheek, watching her peaceful face as she slept. I set the book down and leaned my head on the back of the couch, intending to close my eyes for only a few minutes.

I
jerked awake hours later
, finding Joss still asleep on my lap. My watch said it was a little before two in the morning, way past time for her to go home. But, for the life of me, I couldn’t bring myself to wake her up.

Instead I gently slid out from under her, laying her head on a pillow. Then I went to the closet and grabbed a blanket, draping it across her body.

I squatted by the couch, my heart squeezing painfully in my chest as I watched her sleep. How was it possible to miss someone when they were right in front of you?

I stood up to leave when I heard her say, “Stay with me, Jake.” Her eyes blinked open, a dreamy expression on her face. “I don’t want to sleep alone.”

Without another word, I bent down and picked her up in my arms, carrying her across the house toward the bedroom. I placed her gently on the bed then lay down on the other end of the mattress.

“Why are you so far away?” she asked with eyebrows raised.

I swiped a palm down my face, tuning out the definitely
un-friendly
thoughts running through my head.

She shifted closer, curling up against my chest. “This feels better.”

I ground my teeth together, hoping she couldn’t feel the rock hard thing in my pants.

But this was Joss after all, the same girl who had pulled my towel off while deliriously sick. “You seem uncomfortable, Jake,” she said with a soft chuckle. I jumped when she pressed her hand to my erection.

“Joss…” It wasn’t a plea so much as a warning. I was very nearly past the point of no return. “If you keep doing that, we’re not going to be friends much longer.”

She tilted her head back and touched the pad of her fingers to my lips, tracing them back and around. “Friendships can have benefits too, right?”

My cock twitched, painfully hard and desperate for release, but I reached up and grabbed hold of her wrist. “I don’t want you to regret anything in the morning.” I leaned my forehead against hers, breathing through the bittersweet ache.

She took in a ragged breath, her cheeks flushed. “I could never regret you.”

I gathered in my arms, fitting her against my body. “Good night, Jocelyn,” I murmured into her hair.

She pressed a soft kiss to the base of my throat and finally—thankfully—settled down.