Illicit: A Forbidden Romance (17 page)

I
woke
up early the next morning and rushed over to Pembroke Pines before the sun had even broken the horizon. I drove into the neighborhood and parked my car across the street from the orange stucco house I’d once called home, filled with renewed purpose.

I would fight for her. Nothing less would do.

It took fifteen steps to cross the street and make it to the front door. I lifted my fist, ready to rap on the door, but hesitated long enough for my conscience to slip in and make a last appeal.

She needs to be there for Amanda.

I leaned forward and ground my fist to the door, trying to breathe through the fireball in my throat. I tried to tell myself I could be selfish, that I could make it difficult for Joss to leave, but I wasn’t that guy. I’d been selfish once, had allowed my emotions to dictate my actions and, as a result, had almost ruined their lives. I refused to do that again.

My hand fell to my side, the air seeping out of me.

The memory of Joss from our last night together flashed before my eyes, of the way her fingers had gripped me as if never intending to let go, of the absolute anguish on her face as she came trembling around me. And later, the tears rolling down her cheeks as she’d said goodbye.

God knows it wasn’t easy for her to make this choice. I’d only be hurting her more if I asked her to stay.

Unable to bring more pain to her doorstep, I turned on a heel and walked away, hoping like hell I was doing the right thing this time.

“
A
re you ready for tomorrow
?” Emerson asked, pressing his hand into the small of my back as we made our way up the walkway.

I slid the key into the front door and entered our house. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked as he followed me inside, straight into our bedroom. I sat on the bench at the foot of the bed and slid the heels off my feet with a sigh.

Emerson disappeared into the walk-in closet and came out a few minutes later in pajama pants. He’d undoubtedly already hung up his slacks and put his dirty clothes into the hamper, his shoes in their rightful place, and watch nestled in its dark wood holder.

He walked up to me and touched my cheek, his green eyes tender as he took me in. “I just wanted to make sure you don’t have any last minute reservations.”

I smiled up at him, turning my cheek into his palm. “I have no reservations about it. None.”

He bent down and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “Good.” He walked over to his side of the bed and piled pillows against the metal headboard. The bed was my first purchase when I’d first moved to Houston three years ago but it wasn’t comfortable, especially for a man who liked to sit up in bed and read medical journals.

Once I was in my sleep clothes, I slid under the covers and reached for my leather notebook. I opened up to where I’d left the story, intending on writing at least two pages, but no matter how long I stared at the page, I couldn’t make my brain think. I’d been stuck at this part of the story—the inciting incident, that moment when the heroine decides she couldn’t live without the hero—for several weeks now and it looked as if it would remain incomplete for several weeks more.

I shut the book with a sigh and looked up to find Emerson observing me. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “It’ll come, sweetheart. Don’t force it.”

I put away the notebook and snuggled into Emerson’s side, this man who was hard and soft in just the right places. “Can you read to me?” I asked, threading my fingers through the blond hairs on his chest, the facets of the diamond on my finger catching the light.

“You sure? This is boring stuff for you.”

I nodded. “I just want to hear your voice.” I closed my eyes and leaned my cheek on his chest as he began to read. His voice was low and pleasant, just what you’d expect from an intern doctor at the MD Anderson Cancer Center.

Right then I decided the life I had chosen was good enough.

T
he next day
found me in a fancy dress, standing at the front of a church with a bouquet in my hands.

“If anyone here can show just cause why these people should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

I turned to the guests sitting in pews, halfway expecting someone to speak up. But it had been three years since I last saw Jake; I should have long stopped searching for his face in every crowd by now.

I turned my attention back to the priest as he continued the ceremony.

Finally: “With the power vested in me by God and the state of Texas, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

With breath held, I watched as my father leaned down and kissed my mother for the world to see. It was then I finally accepted that my father really loved Mom, that he meant it when he said he’d never leave her side again.

And my family was whole once more.

“
E
merson is looking very
handsome today,” Mom whispered to me at the reception a little while later.

My eyes traveled across the room until they found the man in question. He caught me looking and grinned. “Yeah, he is,” I said.

She took hold of my left hand and smiled down at the ring on my finger. “Did you send out the invitations yet?”

“Last week.” I pulled my hand away. “Hey, no wedding planning talk during your reception, remember?”

She laughed, a carefree, joyous sound. It wasn’t that long ago I thought I’d never hear it again. “I’m so happy, Joss. I’m just so excited for you to feel this way.”

“I will. On my day,” I said, threading my arm through hers and leading her back across the dance floor to my father. “For now, dance. Drink. Live it up.”

“Were you two gossiping about me?” a deep voice whispered behind me.

I spun around to Emerson. “Possibly.”

He wound his arms around my waist and pulled me close. “You happy?” Emerson asked as we began to sway together to the music.

I looked over at my parents—Mom in an off-white cocktail dress that accented her fuller figure and dad in a black suit—as they flirted and laughed on the dance floor. I had never seen her like this, not even with Jake. It was as if someone had turned on a light inside her. My father was probably a small part of the change, but beating cancer had a way of bringing light back into a person’s smile. It was as if the old Amanda had died and the woman that survived was happier, more carefree.

I smiled up at my handsome date. “Yes. Very much.” I leaned my head on his shoulder and breathed him in, this man who came into my life at just the right time. When it had seemed my mother wouldn’t last much longer, Emerson had suggested a new, experimental procedure to his resident. My father and I had been desperate to save Mom and had agreed to try.

Now here she was, healthy and glowing on her wedding day. And here I was, ready to marry the man who had saved her.

A
week later
, after all of the wedding excitement had died down, Mom came over to the house to help plan my wedding though, honestly, I suspected she just wanted to talk about what she and Dad did on their honeymoon.

“Snorkeling in the Bahamas has always been on my bucket list,” Mom said as she flipped through the new wedding magazine she’d bought. “I can now check that off. And also—” She paused, flashing me a sheepish smile. “Having sex on the beach.”

“Mom!” I crumpled an RSVP envelope and threw it at her.

She ducked, laughing. “What? Too much information?”

“Way, way too much.” I shook my head, smiling to myself as I ripped open the second RSVP envelope that came in the mail. “I don’t need to know that you and D—” I froze, my eyes catching on the name printed on the card.

“What is it?” Mom plucked the card from the fingers and looked it over. “Joss, what is this?”

I met her eyes with a sick feeling in my stomach.

“This is an RSVP to your wedding,” she said with knotted eyebrows. “From Jake.”

I covered my face with my hands, trying to breathe through the tightness in my chest.

“Oh, honey.” She sighed. “Why?”

With my eyes fixed on the table’s surface, I said, “I was writing out the invitations one night and Emerson was working late and I was drinking. And I thought it might be a good idea to invite him.”

Mom slipped the card towards me. “He doesn’t share that same sentiment.”

I stared at that card, at the angry slashes indicating that he, Jake Mitchell, would not be attending my wedding. I wasn’t surprised to see that X, which was not to say it didn’t hurt.

Mom reached across the table and patted my arm. “I thought you already closed that chapter of your life?”

“I did.” I held up the envelope. “This is the final nail in the coffin.”

Mom didn’t look convinced. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I believed my words either but Jake was not coming and that was that.

“What were you expecting?” she asked gently. “Did you really think he was going to come here and watch you get married? He didn’t even see you off when you left Florida.”

I look down, blinking fast. When I finally looked up, I found her watching me intently.

“Or did you want him to come and stop the wedding?”

I pushed away from the kitchen table and walked over to the cabinet, taking my time to get a glass and fill it with water.

“Joss…”

“Mom, can we just drop it? Please?” I gulped down the contents of the glass but my throat was still a desert.

“Why are you really marrying Emerson, Joss?”

I shook my head, tears stinging my eyes. “Because he loves me.”

“And you? Do you love him?”

I slammed the glass onto the granite counter. “Of course.” I set my back against the counter, hugging my arms around me. “He and I make sense. And you like him. You get along with him.”

Mom sighed. “Joss, I forgave you and Jake a long time ago. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“In fact, if it weren’t for you two, your father and I wouldn’t be where we are today.” She stood up and walked over to me. “So please let go of the guilt.”

I tried to smile through the tears.

“Don’t let the guilt ruin your life,” she said, leaning forward and wrapping her arms around me. “If it’s Jake you really want, you should tell him.”

I didn’t give myself the chance to even consider it. If I did, who knew where my thoughts would take me. “That ship has sailed. We’ve both moved on.”

He didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

“Don’t be that girl, Joss.”

“What girl?”

“The kind who settles.” She hugged me again, patting my back. “You always have a choice, honey.”

“Do I?”

I
couldn’t sleep
that night. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Jake opening the mailbox and finding the invitation inside. I couldn’t stop imagining the emotions he felt when he opened that envelope and saw the name of the man I was planning to marry. Was he angry? Sad? Or was he, like I hoped, happy for me, glad that I’d finally found a stable relationship?

Mom was right: I had sent the invitation with the secret hope that Jake would come and sweep me away. But why, when I was already happy with Emerson?

The answer, I knew, could only be found in one place.

As soon as Emerson arrived home from the hospital early the next morning, I said ,”I think I need to go back to Florida.”

Emerson just nodded as he took off his scrubs. “When?”

“After my shift today,” I said. My boss at the bookstore where I worked had been gracious, allowing me to take leave on such short notice.

“All right.”

I followed him into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub as he turned on the shower. “That’s it? You’re not going to ask why?”

He turned to me, his eyes lined and weary from many hours at the hospital, and shook his head. “I already know why. You have unfinished business you have to take care of before we get married.”

I opened my mouth to—I didn’t know, deny? Confirm?—but shut it again when I couldn’t figure out what to say.

Emerson stood in front of me, completely bare, and laid a hand on my cheek. “I trust you, Joss. I’m confident that, when you come upon that door to the past, you’ll do the right thing and close it.”

Tears stung my eyes. “You’re too good to me.”

He pulled me to my feet and held my face in his hands. “I love you, Joss. I want you to walk down that aisle towards me without doubt or reservation.”

I bit my lips together, hoping for the same. At that moment, as I undressed and led the way into the shower, I couldn’t think of a single reason why I wouldn’t want to marry this man.

I
almost cancelled
the trip to Florida. But in the end, I knew there would always be a “what if” if I didn’t go, if I didn’t ask Jake the questions burning inside me.

After work, I took a taxi to Bush Intercontinental Airport with my purse and a rolling luggage full of memories.

An hour and a half later, as I settled into my seat in coach, it finally dawned on me that I was actually going home, back to the place I’d been avoiding for over three years. I leaned back and closed my eyes, taking in deep breaths to calm my racing heart. What if it was no longer the place I remembered? Or worse, what if it stayed exactly the same?

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

I looked up and found Emerson smiling down at me. He took the seat beside me and leaned in for a kiss on the cheek. “Surprised?”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, unable to hide the hint of panic in my voice.

“I was able to convince Dr. Pataki to take my shifts for a few days. Provided I work her graveyard shifts for the next two weeks.” He leaned his elbow on the armrest and took hold of my hand. “But it’d be worth it to see your old stomping grounds. I would love to get to know the younger Joss.”

I leaned back in my seat, the smile frozen on my face. I hoped I was a convincing enough actress, otherwise Emerson would be able to see just how much I suddenly dreaded this trip.

I
t was late
by the time we arrived in Miami. As soon as we exited the airport, the humidity wrapped around my skin, reminding me of my former life. Yet despite the familiarity, I couldn’t relax, couldn’t get past the fear that Emerson would discover my secrets.

We decided to skip dinner, taking a taxi directly to my pre-booked hotel in downtown Miami. In true Emerson style, he upgraded my room to the executive suite.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said when we entered the room. I walked through, my mouth falling open as I took in the huge foyer, separate office, living room, and the enormous bedroom that overlooked the Miami bay. Even the overly spacious bathroom had a television. “This must have cost a fortune,” I said, looking out the floor-to-ceiling window of the bathroom.

He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “This is our first vacation together. I want it to be nice,” he said. “Besides this is the only room that has a separate office, in case you get inspired to write.”

“With a view like this, I doubt I’d get any writing done.”

He nuzzled my neck and murmured, “Then I’m sure we can find other ways to utilize the room.”

I closed my eyes, focusing on the feel of his lips against my skin, but part of me couldn’t help but imagine Jake standing at the sidewalk below. I twisted away from Emerson, my heart inexplicably pounding. “I’m kind of hungry. Maybe we should go to a restaurant.”

He checked his watch. “It’s late. How about we just order room service?”

I latched onto the reprieve. “Okay,” I said and put some safe distance between us.

A
fter breakfast the next day
, we drove over to South Beach and took a walk on the water’s edge. I took it all in, my eyes no longer accustomed to the half-naked beachgoers, to the veritable meat-market atmosphere of the entire area. All around us, people were preening, showing off their goods.

“Wow,” Emerson said as a heavyset man walked by wearing only a red thong. “I am not mentally prepared for this place.”

I grinned, watching a group of women in bikinis playing volleyball, their breasts always just a spike away from popping free. “I guess I’d forgotten how different Miami is. It’s like a country all its own.”

He took hold of my hand when two men walked by giving me the eye. “I’m not so sure I like it,” he said, taking me by surprise. In our year and a half together, Emerson had never displayed any form of jealousy before.

I tugged him down onto the sand. “Let’s sit for a bit.”

As soon as he sat down, his cell phone began to ring. “I have to take this,” he said, getting right back up. “Excuse me a moment.”

Finding myself alone, I hooked my arms over my knees and inhaled the ocean air. For the first time since we landed, I felt free to finally take a breath.

People moved around me, enjoying the sunshine and warm water, but in that moment, I felt nothing but regret. This used to be my home. Why had I stayed away for so long?

When Emerson came back minutes later, he wore the look of the troubled.

“What’s wrong?”

“Seems one of my patients is having complications after surgery,” he said as he settled back down in the sand.

“Do you need to go home then?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t betray my eagerness for him to leave.

He stared at the phone in his hands for a few seconds then shook his head. “No. Pataki has it under control.” He turned his attention back to me. “So, should we go drive around your old neighborhood?”

I looked at him, trying to come up with a valid reason not to go. I always meant to go back to my old stomping grounds, I just didn’t want Emerson with me.

He stood up and held out a hand. “Come on. I want to see where you grew up.”

F
orty minutes later
, we exited the interstate and drove towards the gated subdivision where I used to live. At the gate, I punched in the code, hoping it no longer worked.

But the gates swung open, allowing us entry to my old life.

We drove slowly through the neighborhood as I pointed out our former neighbors. Finally we came to a rolling stop in front of a stucco house that had once been orange but had since been painted pale green.

“They changed it,” I said under my breath. The new owners had also changed the landscaping out front, taking out the palm trees and replacing them with various other plants. They had also added pretty planters on either side of the garage and added a bench by the front door.

I jumped when I felt Emerson take my hand, a reassuring smile on his face.

“Hey, do you want to see my first apartment in Hollywood?” I asked, knowing the danger of running into Jake was high but no longer caring. I had already set off down memory lane; might as well go the rest of the way.

Emerson squeezed my hand and started the car. “I’d love to.”

W
e drove
east towards the ocean and I showed him the apartment I’d once shared with Ashley, even pointed out the alley where I’d almost been assaulted.

His forehead wrinkled. “What were you doing out there at night anyway?”

“I had to park one street over and just took a shortcut.” When he gave me an incredulous look, I added, “It wasn’t my brightest moment.”

“I’m glad you weren’t hurt,” he said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

We coasted through Hollywood Boulevard as I pointed out my favorite stores and restaurants. When we passed by the old garage-turned-furniture store, I held my breath. Surprisingly—or not—the store was still there. Only now it was twice as big as before, appearing to have expanded to the building next door.

Good for you, Jake,
I thought with a smile.

It took me entirely too long to realize that Emerson had turned into the store lot and had parked the car.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a high-pitched voice. I caught myself and forced the panic out of my voice. “Why are we stopping here?”

He turned and grinned at me. “I know you like this brand of furniture. You’re always looking for it when we go into hotels and stores.”

I swallowed, wishing for the first time that Emerson wasn’t so observant. “And?”

“I just thought of what I could get you as a wedding present.” He jumped out of the car and opened my car. “Come on. I’ll tell you inside.”

I didn’t move. Behind the relative safety of the windshield, I stared at the huge garage doors, feeling completely unprepared. My hair was a wind blown mess, my dress all kinds of wrinkled, and I had put on very little makeup. I had imagined this reunion with Jake so many times over the years and looking a hot mess with my fiancé in tow was definitely not it.

Emerson bent down and peered at me through the open door. “You okay? You’re kind of pale.”

I held my hand to my stomach. “I’m not feeling well. Can we just go back to the hotel?”

He glanced at the store then back at me. “All right.”

At that moment, the front door opened and a woman walked through. She held the door open as a tall man with dark hair passed through, carrying a side table in his arms.

I sucked in a breath and watched as Jake carried the table to the woman’s car, taking the time to set it in the trunk with care. Then they shook hands and she drove away.

He would have gone back into the store, completely oblivious to my presence, but suddenly Emerson was in front of him, shaking his hand. They spoke a few seconds before Emerson pointed to the car. To me.

Time slowed as Jake turned his head, his blue eyes finding me.