Illicit Canvas: political romance and stand alone romance (23 page)

For days, my mother was crying, blaming herself, and I promised her that this was to be my only attempt. Then the therapy followed. I was hospitalised for months. I started taking monitored medication, the therapy helped, and I was slowly lifting myself up. The world was slowly opening up for me. It took me over a year, but eventually I was better. I have never shared this with anyone
 
outside of my family and I never will.

Right now, sitting in my father’s house, I keep taking deep breaths, knowing that it’s the past and a bitter reminder of the pain. I want to live, and now I can finally move on. My bastard father is going to show up here at any minute and he will confirm everything Brigitte has said.

In that one moment I feel sadness, anger, rage—and in another I’m relieved. Now I have my answer, so maybe I should leave. The man who now calls himself Ronan Pevez might be my father, but right now he is just some stranger.

Several minutes later I open the door to the bathroom, feeling much more like myself again. From the living room I hear the quiet conversation. It looks like Ethan has calmed down, and they are
 
no longer arguing.

“Mr. Rivera—well, Ethan. I don’t wish her to speak to my husband. We are happy, and this visit will only disturb the peace. I think you can convince her”

“Arwen …” Ethan doesn’t let her finish, saying my name loud enough for me to hear him. I can’t move. The rest of his words are spoken quietly and I can’t make out what he is saying.

“She has probably found it hard,” Brigitte says, “but what can I say? We didn’t like to talk about the past.”

“Brigitte, we both know that everyone always gets what they deserve. She …
 
an emotional mess, a human being starving for affection and love.”

What is he saying? That I deserve this, that it’s actually my fault that my father left? But Ethan always tried to convince me of the opposite. What made him change his mind about me?

“And will you change anything? I don’t think so. This whole thing runs in the family. You’re together despite such a significant age difference. It this love, Mr. Rivera?”

“Our connection is deep and meaningful. Yes, there are challenges on the way. I’m shifting my career and sometimes I wonder, what if I have to go away for months, to Paris or Amsterdam to whatever …”

I press my palms to my ears, not wanting to hear any more. Ethan has doubts about our relationship. I can’t let him leave me. I must do anything to keep him.

Arwen shows up in the living room and I get up instantly, not wanting to talk to this unstable creature anymore. She is upset, very upset, and I know that I shouldn’t have let her talk to Brigitte. I’m sensing that this woman isn’t telling us the whole truth. She is hiding something.

“I want to go, Ethan,” Arwen says with a strange strain in her voice. I nod.

Brigitte looks flustered. “Will you be back? I mean, I know what I said, but it’s better if I knew.”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Brigitte. I need some space,” Arwen responds and heads to the door.

“You can’t just turn up here again with” Brigitte shouts after us, but then she stops, looking ahead.

There on the pavement, a young woman, probably her daughter, is walking towards us. My own internal voice screams at me to get Arwen out of here because this won’t end well. The girl spots Arwen first, and then she walks past us, staring.

“Mum, what’s going on? Why are you shouting?” she asks in perfect French. She has the same long straight hair as Arwen.
 

Arwen presses her mouth in a hard line, not saying a word. Tears fill her eyes.

“It's nothing. It’s all okay, honey. Come inside,” I hear Brigitte say.

Arwen gets in the car after a moment.
 
I put the key into the ignition and start driving as soon as I can. She will meet her sister, but not like that, not without knowing the whole truth. My hands are shaking, and as soon as we are away from that house, I pull over on the side of the road.

“Are you okay, Arwen?” I ask her, touching her hand. She seems cold, staring blankly ahead.

“Do you think that’s true what Brigitte said? Do you think it’s my mother’s fault?”

“Stop it, please. Don’t take this too personally, but that woman could have been lying to you. She obviously knew that you existed.”

She rolls her eyes and inhales. “Ethan … I have a half-sister. I can’t take this.”

“Yes, you have and for her sake, you should talk to your father. He’s the one that should explain everything.”

“She said that he was on his way.”

I don’t believe any word that came out of that woman’s mouth. She is protecting her own child and marriage. There is more to it than just his choosing her. “We will go back, but not today and not now. It’s important that you speak to him on your own, without her being there,” I say.

“I can’t believe that he lived here most of the time.”

“Please tell me, where do you want me to take you now? I’m worried about you.”

She turns and places her hands on my cheeks and then she kisses me deeply. She keeps kissing me for so long and I want to push her away. This doesn’t feel right. She needs time to come to terms with what happened only a few minutes before. When she pulls away I’m hard and concerned.

“Let’s go to your apartment. I want to make love to you.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

“Arwen, you’re upset and overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe you should call your mother and talk to her,” I suggest gently.

She looks infuriated and sinks back on the seat, finally pulling away from me. I hate taking advantage of her when she is so upset.

“No, Ethan, I don’t want to call my mother. I want to be with you and only you.”

Something tells me I’ll be regretting this later on, but I start the engine again and head towards my apartment.

“As you wish, my elf princess.”

She smiles widely and starts moving her hand towards my thigh, deliberately pushing me to the edge. Maybe this is the way she wants to deal with this, to forget. Part of me wants to make her happy, but the other more reasonable one knows that we should discuss this first.

I don’t want to sink her further down in her doubts. She is my angel and the better part of me. Love, yes, I have fallen in love with her. I can’t deny it any longer, but how am going to explain to Colin that I’m going out with his ex-girlfriend? My mind refuses to think about this.

Several minutes later, I park the car outside the apartment and help Arwen get her bag. Voltare pushed his luck. We got decent money for the painting, but I’ll get it back.

Arwen is quiet, too quiet, but her mood switches when we get inside and I close the door behind me. She is on me before I know it.

“Ethan, let’s go to the bedroom. I’m horny for you, very horny,” she says with
 
an almost manic grin on her lovely face.

A pull of desire travels down my body and when her hands are on my chest I’m having trouble gathering my thoughts. “Arwen, it was an emotional day. We don’t have to do this,” I tell her. Her smile disappears and her eyes flicker with disappointment. I hate hurting her.

“You don’t want me, right? Is that what this is about?” she asks.

“Baby, of course I want you, but you had a lot happen today,” I try to explain. I’m torn up inside myself, but to make her happy I cradle her to me and whisper, “All I ever want is to make love to you.”

She giggles and then takes my hand, pushing me towards the door to my bedroom. Every inch of my skin heats up, sending a shiver of lust down to my abdomen.
 

For the next hour, Arwen is determined to pleasure me: first she takes off my trousers and gets rid of my shirt, running her soft hands over my chest, scratching the tips of her fingers over my skin.

“What got into you, darling? I’m so hard for you,” I say when her hand slides down inside my boxers.

“I’m the same as I was, Ethan,” she replies with mischief in her eyes. I groan as her beautiful mouth moves down to my manhood, squeezing it hard. She holds me in a firm grip, teasing me to the point when I can’t recognise if it’s a fantasy or reality.

“Baby, this is amazing. Keep doing that,” I tell her when she pulls down my boxers and her mouth circles around my penis. I arch my head backwards as she sucks it and moves up and down the length gently. Her mouth is warm and tight with pressure. She is teasing me with her tongue. I can’t take it anymore and try to yank her back into my arms. Arwen slaps me away gently. I feel the buildup, knowing that I won’t last much longer. Her mouth is perfect, urgent. I tense my muscles as she picks up the pace, moving faster. Her teeth graze the base of my penis and she takes a last pass over me, up over the head and then slams down as far as she can, tightening her mouth so deliciously its almost painful. My balls tighten up and I know it’s all over.

I come in her mouth quickly, my heartbeat pounding all over my chest. After a moment I fall down on the pillow. She gets up and disappears in the bathroom.

When I open my eyes after some time, she is on top of me again.

“I’m not finished with you yet, mister,” she whispers in my ear.

We stay in bed for what seems like hours and continue to make love. Arwen is intense and she always wants more. Everything about her is perfect and our sex is beyond satisfying. I cherish her body, admire her skin and want to do whatever makes her happy.

Later that night we order some takeaway and I find another decent wine. I try to talk to her about what happened earlier, but she shuts down the conversation pretty quickly. She seems lost, determined to push me away, using sex as a distraction, and she is doing a great job. Then later on, after a long and very intense lovemaking session, Arwen crawls on top of me, flustered. I’m slowly drifting away into sleep.

“I love you, Ethan,” she whispers.

“Oh my elf princess, hmmm, I lo ...,” I mutter, bringing her closer, finishing the rest of the sentence in my dreams.

That deep, gasping black hole in my heart is still inside me. I felt it growing since yesterday, when I laid my eyes on that woman—the wife. Ethan drops me home at six on Monday morning. I spent an amazing afternoon with him and made a huge effort to keep him satisfied. I desperately wanted to seal our connection. We made love for hours and then I told him how I felt. He didn’t finish his sentence, but then, he was so exhausted, maybe he didn’t really hear what I said.

I wait for him to say that he loves me in the morning, to confirm that our relationship is truly real, but that doesn’t happen. Ethan kisses me goodbye and says that he won’t see me tonight, as he will be busy at work.

I want to call my mother and ask her if she did give my father an ultimatum all those years ago. I should be happy, glad that it wasn’t my fault and this whole thing is finally over. Ronan didn’t say that I was a useless piece of garbage, but I guess if he had had a chance, he would have.

His wife doesn’t want me to speak to him or my half-sister. Years have passed and he changed his life. Maybe he is not into art anymore. Funny; I still don’t understand any of his choices. He loved art, infected me with his passion.

It’s early morning when I get home, so I go to bed straight away and fall asleep. Maja wakes me up just after nine, making sure that I’m not late for uni. From then on I kind of dive back into my routine.

Days are passing by and I still haven’t made a decision about my father or about that crucial phone call to Mum. Ethan is stressed and I don’t see much of him the following week. His real job takes most of his time and in the evening he networks with artists, renewing old connections and favours. He is away in Antwerp this week, trying to secure another deal. The exhibition is next week and it’s understandable.

He has my paintings and a few others, but he needs to draw people in with something really special. By Friday, the work on his property that he rented is completed, but he doesn’t allow me to see it until the weekend.
 

I miss him terribly and since that intense Sunday in his apartment he still hasn’t told me how he feels about me. The old insecurities settle back inside, and I start to imagine that Ethan is only having fun with me. Maybe there has never been anything special between us. He only kept going because I was unhappy. There is that creeping age gap.

Colin does see me a few times on campus and we talk.
 

“How is it going with my father and that business?” he asks, looking much happier than when I saw him last.

“He’s very busy. The opening is next week.”

“He mentioned that he would have some of your paintings there. You’ve never shown me anything that you created.”

Colin hasn’t treated me with respect, but I’m not running away from him anymore. “Yeah, I didn’t think that my art was good enough, but your father convinced me to present it. I’m hoping that the exhibition will be a success. Your dad has put a lot of effort into it.”

“We'll see. Apparently, he invited my mother and stepfather over from the States. Funny how well they are getting on now.”

“Really?” I ask, surprised. Ethan hasn’t said much this week and he didn’t mention that he invited his ex-wife to our special evening.

“Yeah, and he has been dating this hot woman that he found online. The other day I found some of her clothes in the kitchen, so I asked him about it and he flipped.”

The blood drains from my face as I stare at Colin, horrified. This can’t be true. Ethan is not seeing that woman anymore. He probably said something to keep Colin in the loop, to steer him away from me. “Oh right, so do you think that it’s serious?”

Colin laughs. “Maybe. He has been away a lot and he seems happier. I bet she’s hot.”

I give Colin some excuse about being late for class. I call Ethan straight away, but he doesn’t pick up, so I leave him a voicemail asking when we could see each other. That evening I’m alone in the flat. Maja has another date with Christian. She has gotten over her fear of bad kissing.

I have to finish that last painting for Ethan, but something is bothering me. I start doubting myself. Maybe Ethan doesn’t really love me. Maybe it was always about sex, the fact that he needed to have a younger mistress.

That woman from the restaurant—he can’t be dating her. In the past few weeks he has been with me the whole time. To keep my mind occupied, I try to paint, but after some wrong strokes with the brush I ditch that, uninspired. Ethan calls late; very late, around ten.

“Hello, my elf princess, how are you?” he asks. He sounds tired.

“I’m fine. I've missed you. Have you had any luck?”

“Yes, I did. I managed to get a few great buys, but I won’t be back to the city until tomorrow morning.”

“So that means that we can see each other?”

“Yes, we can, but not until the evening. I have to pick up something from the house in the morning around ten and then I’m out again.”

“That’s such a long time, Ethan. I’ve hardly seen you this week,” I complain.

“I know, but there is so much that I have to do. I’ll make it up to you in the evening. Have you thought about your father?”

The muscles in my stomach clench. My father, yes; there is that unfinished business. For some reason I’m not in a hurry to see him, afraid to find out if he has any other explanation.

“No, not yet. Maybe after the exhibition,” I mutter.

“All right, I won’t pressure you. I’ll pick you up tomorrow around six from your place,” he says. There is some noise in the background.

“Okay. I love you, Ethan.”

“Me, too. I’m looking forward to our evening, my elf princess.”

I stare at the phone for several minutes, wondering what just happened. I tell him that I love him and he doesn’t say it back exactly, and his words are so wooden and empty. Maybe he doesn’t remember that I said it that night. The hollow feeling inside me pushes me to the edge again.
 

The old insecurities are floating back to the surface, but I tell myself that this is the old me. I’m no longer that suicidal girl that used to be afraid of her own shadow. Ethan does love me. I’m not just imagining things. The painting remains unfinished and I get to bed with a stupid grin on my face, knowing that Ethan is not seeing anyone else other than me. I’m his only love.

When morning arrives I’m up early. First I drop some books at the library and then pack my bag with some surprises and head to Ethan’s apartment. He mentioned yesterday on the phone that he would be at home briefly, so I think that I can surprise him.
 

He had a long trip. He will be tired and probably cranky, but then I’ll be there to make him feel better.
 

 
I arrive at his street around eight thirty. Ethan has given me a spare key. When I get inside his apartment I’m surprised how clean the space is, but the bedroom is a mess. I lie on the bed for several minutes, going back to our evening together from a week ago.

I open the window to get some fresh air and then take out my sexy lingerie, spreading it on the bed. I have a red lace bra, a sexy thong,
 
plus stockings. I also brought my super-high heels.

Giggling to myself, I get back to the kitchen and start preparing breakfast for him. I boil some eggs, make a salad. Then I change into my kinky outfit, imagining his face when he sees me in it. I decide to serve him breakfast first; then we will have sex. Ethan will be tired and no one likes eating cold stuff.

 
At quarter to ten I’m ready, looking hot and sexy. I kept my makeup to a minimum with some eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss. My hair is straightened. For the next fifteen minutes I keep wondering how he is going to react when he sees me.

Minutes pass by and at ten o’clock I’m shivering with anticipation. This time he has to tell me that he loves me. We've come a long way and we can finally be happy. Ethan has chosen me.

At five past ten I hear the door being shut and I smile to myself. “Ethan, I’m here in the bedroom waiting for you to make love to me. It’s a small surprise. I couldn’t wait until the evening,” I shout.

The steps stop somewhere in the kitchen, so I continue teasing him. “Come on, Ethan. Check in the bedroom. I’ve missed you.”

 
Thick desire pools in my belly. I hear the steps again and then the door to the bedroom opens abruptly.

“There you are, I tho–”

I don’t finish the sentence, realising that it’s not Ethan, but Colin who is standing at the door.

“Arwen?”

“Oh my God, Colin!” I hiss, trying to cover myself with the sheet.

“Arwen, what the hell are you doing here?” he repeats in a high-pitched tone. His eyes are huge, scary. The blood rushes to my ears, but I don’t want to panic. I can fix this, make up some lies and all of this will be all right.

“I want to ask you the same thing.”

“What the fuck is going on? Why are you half naked in my father’s bedroom?” he roars, pacing around the room.

Then we both hear it, someone else is in the apartment, and a few seconds later Ethan appears in the room. “Colin, what are you doing in here? Why–”

Ethan’s eyes find me and he stops talking. Colin’s face goes from pale to ashen in a matter of seconds. “You and her, fuck. Of course. Now this makes sense,” Colin stutters, taking a couple of steps back, shaking his head in shock.

“Colin, stop it. Let me explain,” Ethan says to his son.
 

“Did you fuck her? Just tell me, did you sleep with her behind my back?”