Imperfections (53 page)

I'm a nervous wreck the whole way to the hospital. I can't imagine what Nick must be feeling, this is his baby. All I can do is silently pray that it was a mistake, Kate and the baby are fine. They're going to be fine. Whatever our differences, she is my sister and I love her. I would never want this to happen to her or her baby. I pray to God they're okay. Please God make them be okay.  I try to keep it together for Nick but I'm a nervous wreck. I don't know what to say. His hands are gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles are turning white. He hasn't looked at me or spoken since I told him about Chris's message.

We pull up to the hospital and there is no parking on the street. I tell him to go I'll park the car. He rushes inside and I watch him slip through the sliding doors. I don't look for a parking spot right away. I sit in the car and pray some more, this time out loud. That's all I can do. Pray and hope things work out fine.

I get upstairs and find the room the nurse at the desk tells me Kate is in. I don't see anyone in the hall, only empty chairs a few feet down on the opposite side of the hall. I hear Nick's voice coming from the room. I move closer and hear my mother's voice. My heart is beating hard with each step I take. Not fast and loud, a dull pounding I feel in my throat. I stand by the side of the open doorway afraid to go in.

My mother is facing the window, her back to Nick. Nick is looking at Kate lying in the bed, his hands in his pocket. She looks so peaceful and calm. She must be all right. How can she not be? She's fine. She's just sleeping. It was just a false alarm. I want this to be the truth and if I say it enough, it will be.

I watch Nick watching her. He looks lost in his own thoughts. He asks my mother,

"Does she know?"

Know what?

My mother shakes her head. Her voice is low and full of emotion like she's been crying. "I'm not sure if she will remember. A lot was happening; they had to give her something in the ambulance to calm her down. She kept screaming for them to save her baby."

Oh my God. I don't even want to think it. This is not happening. A dull ache is spreading inside of me. This is not right. This was never supposed to happen.

I see Kate's arm move across her stomach. Her eyes flutter open and close struggling to wake up. Nick moves closer to her bed and sits down next to her. My mother turns around and moves closer but she doesn't move close enough to touch her or Nick. She has a look of trepidation mixed with sadness on her face. I move a little closer to the door. Kate turns her head and looks at Nick. Her voice is calm and quiet, a little groggy from the medicine they must have given her.

"Nick." She licks her lips and closes her eyes for a second.

Nick puts his hand over hers resting on her stomach. He studies her face. "Yeah," he says softly.

"The baby. Is the baby okay?"

He looks down at her stomach, his hand resting over hers, before he looks into her eyes.

My mother covers her mouth with her hand stifling a sound, her eyes cloud up with tears. From nowhere a pang of guilt hits me. A tear rolls down my cheek and goes under my chin. I feel like I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't bear witness to this, but I can't make myself leave or look away. I'm rooted to the spot where I stand.

Nick doesn't answer her. She asks again, "Is the baby okay?"

"No, the baby's gone. There was nothing they could do to save him."

She shakes her head no no no.

"Kate—"

"No! You're lying!" she screams.

"Kate, listen to me," he says calmly.

"I'm not listening to anything, you…you…you're a liar." She tries to get up but he holds her down.

"Kate, there was nothing they could do."

She's crying and shaking her head wildly at him covering her ears. "I don't want to hear this. You didn't want this baby, you're lying."

She drops her hands, pushing and struggling to get free from him to get up. He has a firm hold on her so she can't get up and hurt herself by yanking the machines and IV out of her arm.

Yelling and screaming at him, "Get away from me!"

My mother looks at her, with horror in her eyes looking at Kate helplessly when Kate looks to her for confirmation Nick's lying. "Mom, he's lying, he's lying," she says hysterically. My mother shakes her head no.

Kate erupts in a fit of sobs that rocks her body making her collapse in Nick's arms, a scream full of pain and anguish fills the room and hallways. My father and brothers come racing out of the room across the hall.

"Get the hell away from me, both of you. Get out! Get out!" Kate yells at Nick and my mother.

She sees me and turns the full blast of her anger my way. "You! You! You didn't want me to have this baby. I hate you. This is your fault."

She tries to get free of Nick's hands to come toward me. She's fighting him with all the strength she has, beating and pounding on his chest. He's taking every blow with his chest heaving up and down, the muscles in his arms bulging against his shirt trying to restrain her without hurting her.

We stand in the door watching helplessly as she sinks down against Nick's arm crying hysterically. The doctor and nurse rush into the room. Nick tells them no. I watch as he holds her tight against his chest, sobbing and shaking. "No, no, no, no, no." He strokes her hair gently like a child who's lost; the most important thing to them in the world.

My mother goes to my father tears streaming down her face. I'm in total shock. The tears are coming down my face hard and fast. My hand over my mouth, the other around my neck keeping the bile in my throat from rising up and spewing out, I shut my eyes tight against it. My brothers watch helplessly as Nick turns to them telling them with his eyes cast down to, "Close the door."

The nurse and the doctor turn in the room and shut the door locking us out.

I'm sitting alone in the waiting room across the hall from Kate's room my head in my hands crying. I hear footsteps coming my way. I don't look up, I don't care who it is. A hand touches mine and I know who it is. He kneels down in front of me pulling my hands down from my face. I can't look at him. He's watching the tears roll down my face. Brushing my hair away with his fingers I hear him say, "She's going to be fine."

"No, she's not. I'm sorry." I can't look at him. My hand goes around his neck. He hugs me tight, his hands on my back soothing me while I cry all over him.

"It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong," he says against my ear.

My lips part trembling when I pull back, tears are on his face. He gently wipes the tears away, kissing me on the lips, my eyes close. He holds my face in his hands, his lips still on mine.

"Cat, you don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

I don't move, everything inside me freezes. My heart rate instantly spikes to a new high.  Jay is standing in the door, eyes blazing with anger. Nick lets my face go and rises up slowly. The alarms in me go off like a three-alarm fire raging out of control when Jay speaks.

"My fucking sister has just lost your baby and you're moving on to her sister." He strides over to where Nick and I are, stopping inches from us. I quickly stand up and stand in front of Nick, who is calm, no emotions at all on his face. This is not happening here and now. Jay looks like he's going to murder Nick. I have to stop this. How the hell am I going to stop this? They're like fucking mountains; they're going to kill each other and me if I get in between them. I hold my hands out to Jay and try to reason with him.

"Jay, it's not what it looks like, please don't do this here," I beg, but he doesn't hear me through his rage of anger.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing with him, you another one of his whores now?" he sputters out at me with so much disgust I flinch.

"Don't talk to her like that." Nick pushes against my back to move me out of the way. I try my best not to be moved. I'm the only barrier between them ripping each other apart.

"Don't tell me how the fuck to talk to my sister!"

"Nick, it's okay," I quickly say.

His voice booms out over me. "No, it's not."

"Nick, please." My voice strains against the fear in me. My brother steps closer, sneering at me, my heart racing and ready to burst clear out of my chest.

"Kate is lying in there and you're outside her room making out with him. I knew something was going on between you two. I didn't want to believe it. My mistake."

He looks at me up and down like I repulse him and it's all I can do to stop myself from throwing myself at him and asking him to forgive me.

He looks at Nick tight-lipped. "I would expect this from you." Then he looks back at me. "What happened to family!" he explodes. "She's barely hanging on in there and you're fucking her fiancé." He grabs my wrist in a painful grip so hard the bracelet's cutting into my skin. I cry out in pain, "Jay, please!"

Nick's voice roars out behind me, "Get the fuck off her!"

I manage to pull away from him, going to the side at the same time Nick charges at him, punching him in the jaw knocking him to the floor. I scream and stumble back, losing my balance. The chairs break my fall. Jay wipes the back of his hand across his face, his lip is bleeding and blood is running down his chin on to his shirt. It's all happening fast before me I don't know what to do.

Jay gets up and charges after Nick. "You mothafucker." They go down like a bag of bricks hitting the floor.

My God, they're going to kill each other. There is nothing I can do to stop them. I look around me frantically for help. Jay is on top of Nick; he has him by the shirt and lands a punch to his face and another one. Nick is able to block his next attempt, they struggle again.

I run down the hall to get help, halfway there I see my dad and Chris with two security guards running down the hall. I'm beyond relieved to see them, I'm crying nonstop with relief.

We rush back to the room and Nick has Jay pinned to the floor. He's leaning over him landing blows to his face, his other hand holding him by the collar of his shirt. Chris knocks him off Jay. Jay scrambles to his feet. They are both bloody and bruised, Jay more than Nick. The sight of it is making me nauseous. Sick to my stomach, I want to throw up.

Before they have a chance to finish killing each other my father and a guard grab Jay. Chris and the other guard manage to hold Nick. They both look like bulls caged in a ring, chests heaving and puffing, nostrils flaring, anger rolling off them. Blood is running from Jay's eye, nose, and lip, half his face is already swelling.

I'm relieved my father and Chris heard all the commotion and came when they did. I look at Nick but all his attention is focused on Jay. He has a gash above his eyebrow that's swelling, he might need stitches, and his lip is swelling too. This is all my fault. I did this.

My father and the guard struggle to hold Jay from going after Nick. "Get off me!" he yells at my father.

"You need to calm down first and tell me what the hell is going on." My father looks back and forth between Nick and Jay.

Nick isn't moving, he says to Chris in an irritated voice, "You can get off me now. I can control myself." Chris and the guard look at Nick and decide to let him go.

My father lets Jay go too. He wipes the blood running from his eye across the sleeve of his shirt.

My father looks at me concerned. "Are you okay?"

I can't say anything. What am I going to say?

"Is she okay?" Jay says incredulously. He looks at me from the corner of his eye. "Tell him, Cat."

Nick moves forward and the guard steps in front of him. "Leave her alone, Jay."

The guard says, "We're going to have to escort both of you off the premises."

Chris steps in to talk to the guards. "That won't be necessary; we promise it won't happen again. Our sister, his fiancée—" Chris motions to Nick, "—was rushed in here tonight, she lost her baby."

"Sorry, but we can't have any more of this or we're going to have to call the police."

Chris assures them there will be no more fighting. They leave and my father looks at the three of us. "What the hell is this all about?"

Jay looks at me. "Tell him, Cat, tell him."

I look at the faces of the men in my life that I love and try to find the words. I look at my father and Nick says to me, "You don't have to say anything."

But I do. I just don't know what I could possibly say to make this less horrible.

"She's fucking Nick!" Jay yells.

"You watch your goddamn mouth," my father says to Jay. He looks back at Nick, confusion and disbelief on his face. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about, your sister would never…" He looks at me.

I can't face him. I don't want to see the look in his eyes, the disappointment and shame, my shame. I cover my face and look down and burst into a new river of tears, my voice dropping. "I'm sorry, Daddy." I don't know if he even hears me it's so muffled. I swipe my hands across my tears and with fear in my heart, for what I might see, I make myself look into his eyes.

He stares at me in utter shock. Like I'm a stranger to him, he's looking at me through new eyes. I know things will never be the same. Nick comes toward me and my father explodes.

"You son of a bitch, don't touch my daughter!"

I look at Nick and shake my head in a silent plea. Please don't. And grab my father's arm to stop him from going after Nick. "Daddy, please," I cry through the tears in my eyes.

Chris steps in between them and Nick steps back. A nurse comes in the room looking around at the blood and mayhem. I can tell she's scared when her voice wavers. She tells Nick Kate is asking for him. She leaves the room as fast as her legs can move. She doesn't wait for us to acknowledge her.

My father stares at Nick ready to attack. His voice is cold and harsh. A tone I've never heard him use. "Stay away from her. She doesn't need you."

He looks back at me emotionless but filled with tension, my hand still on his arm he yanks it away from me and shakes his head as he walks away. Jay doesn't bother looking at me. He walks past Nick, eyes filled with hate.