Imperfections (54 page)

I hug my arms around myself and watch as my father and Jay walk away from me. Nick touches my arm. I can't. I put my hand on his chest. "Don't," I cry. "She needs you. You should be with her." He should have been with her all along. Maybe things would be different. Maybe this wouldn't have happened.

He looks at me and shakes his head. With such conviction in his voice, his eyes, he says, "Cat, don't do this. You need me. I need you now."

"No, she needs you more." She does. "Just go to her, please. Please just go." I can't take this anymore. I turn away and run down the hall as fast as my legs will let me with tears cascading down my face. I hear scuffling behind me, no doubt him trying to come after me and Chris trying to stop him.

I don't stop running till I reach the doors leading to the stairs. I slump back against the wall out of breath, my lungs burning, gasping for air. I sink down to the floor, my hands wrapped around my legs, my face down on my knees. I cry, for everything I've lost. For their baby. What I've done to my family. The look in my father's and Jay's eyes.

And most of all, for the love of a man I now know I can never have. We will never be the same again.

The last time I saw Cat or heard from her was almost a week ago at the hospital. We're back to square one again. Shit, I don't even know where square one is. I've been replaying everything that happened in my head over and over again. The look on Cat's face when she ran out of the hospital, Chris holding me back from going after her, we almost got into a fight. The only reason I haven't stormed over there yet and kicked the damn door off the hinges of her apartment is because Ava came back. She came back the next day when she found out Kate lost the baby. When she found out about Cat, me, and Jay, she said she was taking the first flight she could get.

I hate that I have to go through Ava to find out how Cat's doing. I'm going to go see her whether she wants to talk to me or not. She's slipping away from me. Building up walls around herself to keep me out, every day we stay apart those walls are going to get stronger and taller until they're impenetrable. I love her too much to let that happen. She told me I needed to deal with Kate and the loss of our child, I'm trying. I know all of this is killing her inside. I know she thinks Kate needs me more but she needs me just as much because I damn sure know I need her. I'm not giving up until I make her understand we belong together. It's not right, it's not wrong, she's mine and I'm hers. It was always meant to be that way and if I have anything to say about it, that's the way it's going to be.

Today is the last day I'm going to spend with Kate. I've been with her every day since she left the hospital. I drove her back to her apartment, two days before she was discharged all the renovations were finished. She didn't want to go back to her parents' house and I sure as hell wasn't going over there. They would shoot me before I put one foot on the curb.

I don't think it's good for Kate to have me coming over here every day anymore. What purpose would that serve? Physically she's getting better but emotionally I can't do any more for her. There're some things she has to work through on her own, maybe with professional help.

It's easy to get confused in a situation like this; you misinterpret kindness and sympathy for something it's not. I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. We lost a child together and we're always going to have that in common but that's it. I would be lying if I said I didn't care about her at all, how could I not? She was the mother-to-be of my first born child. If I feel this way, then how must she feel? I don't want to hurt her more. She was right when she said I was heartless but I was also right when I said I wasn't that heartless.

I get out of my car and use the key she gave me to open the front door. The apartment is meticulously clean as usual, everything in its place. It's like a showroom in here. They can use Kate's apartment to sell units in this condo, it's so neat. I look over at the couch where it all started. I shake my head at how one moment, one decision, can change the course of your life.

I head to the bedroom. I was hoping to see her out of her room today. She hasn't left the bed since she came home from the hospital. On her dresser she has a picture of the sonogram she had when I saw the baby for the first time. I don't think it's a good idea to have that constant reminder there. I know I couldn't. I haven't had much time to sort through my own feelings. I don't really want to, but I know I'm going to have to at some point.

She's curled up under her sheet on her side staring at the wall. She sees me come in and sits up against the pillows.

"Hi, Nick."

The whites of her eyes are red like she's been crying. I give her a faint smile and sit in the chair by her bed. No need for me to ask how she's doing, I already know.

"Did you eat today?"

"No. I wasn't hungry."

"You have to eat, Kate. You're going to end up back in the hospital if you're not eating."

She rakes her hand over her hair and folds her hands in her lap. She looks thin. She's lost weight since leaving the hospital.

"I'll eat something later. I'm fine."

"No, you're not. I'm going to make you something before I leave. I want you to eat it, you're losing weight, it's not good for you."

"When did you start caring about me?" She looks at me. "Don't worry, I won't inconvenience you and die on your watch."

"I care." I do, I don't want her to confuse my concern for her health as anything else. "You're not going to die."

"How do you know? Our baby died."

I lean forward in the chair. "You're not dying. I loved our baby and I know you did." Her lips pull together, she looks away from me. She lifts her hand and wipes away tears before they leave her eyes. Damn, I wish I could make this better for her, seeing her like this I'm feeling it too. I need to deal with her first then deal with this loss in my own way. "I'm going to get you something to eat and you're getting out of this bed." She looks up at me from the bed with more tears in her eyes when I stand and hold out my hand for her to take. "Now." A few seconds later she finally takes my hand. I make her a bowl of soup she didn't eat yesterday when I bought it. She takes a shower and sits on the couch. I watch her eat to make sure she finishes everything.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

When she's finished I sit on the couch with her. We watch a show and make small talk about the show and nothing in particular. I'm talking about anything that will take her mind off the baby. Five hours later it's dark out and it's time for me to go. It's time for me to tell her this is my last visit to see her.

"Kate, I have to go."

"I know," she says quietly. "It's time for my mother to come back and babysit. It's good how y'all worked it out so you're never here at the same time. She conveniently has to leave around the same time you come to see me every day." She looks at me with a sad smile. "Somehow she manages to make it back exactly five minutes after you leave. Almost like she's sitting in her car watching for you to leave."

I laugh and look down at her sitting beside me. "Yeah, that's some coincidence. We have perfect timing like a dance we're doing to stay away from each other."

"Kate, I won't be coming to see you after today."

She doesn't say anything for a while. Then she looks away. "Why?"

"We need to start healing on our own. You need to be around people who care for you, the more the better. Sitting in this apartment—" I look around the room, "—by yourself for a prolonged amount of time replaying what happened day in and day out isn't good."

She takes a deep breath and blows it out. "Probably not. I've been thinking about what happened a lot, more when I'm by myself. Some nights I wake up crying. I don't know why until I remember I was dreaming about the baby. Sometimes I see him in my dreams. I cry so much I cry myself back to sleep."

I hold her hand in her lap because I can understand. Late in the night there're two things I think about, Cat and that night. I feel both loses. One is a temporary loss if I have my way. The other is a loss that sits there. I will never be able to get back the child I lost, my son. She asks me something but I'm not sure what.

"Hmm?"

"Is that the only reason you won't be back? Or is it someone else?"

"No one else." I know she's talking about Cat. If I was totally honest with her, yes, Cat is the biggest part of why I can't keep coming over here to see her. How am I going to make her understand how much I need her and we should be together if I'm with her sister who I don't love, trying to piece her back together. A choice has to be made, I choose the woman I love, I choose Cat. I will always choose Cat till the day I die.

"I don't believe you."

I know she doesn't. I kiss her on the forehead and move forward to get up. She puts her hand on my thigh and looks in my eyes. There's a vulnerability in her eyes that tugs at me for her.

"Do you think we could have had a chance if she didn't come back? If she wasn't here?" Her voice wavers and trails off.

I give her the only answer I have as honestly as I can. "As perfect as two people are on paper, once they step off into real life it's a different story. Sometimes two people aren't meant to be together because they just don't fit in the real world."

She nods her head and sits back. "Bye."

"Bye, Kate. Take care of yourself." I didn't want to answer her question. I didn't want an argument, which I knew was coming if I gave her the honest answer to her question. I didn't need that and she's been hurt enough.

I let myself out and close the door. I sit in my car and wait till I see her mother pull up in front of her house before I drive off. One chapter closed, hopefully I can reopen the next one with Cat. Time for me to call Chris.

"Cat, when's Chris getting here?"

"He's not coming to see you, Ava." I smile across the counter in her shop. "He's coming to see me. He wants to talk."

"Sounds serious."

"I haven't spoken to him or anyone in my family since the blowout of the century in the hospital."

Ava steps down off the ladder where she's holding up swatches of fabric against the wall.  "I still can't believe it all went down like that. It's awful."

"Yeah, it was bad." I tear up every time I think about it.

"You know Kate and I don't get along—"

"Understatement," I interject.

She sits down across the counter from me on a stool where the cashiers are going to be. "Yes, but I would never wish that kind of pain and devastation—the loss of a child—on my worst enemy. I can't imagine what she must be going through."

"Lucky for you. I can, I saw the look on her face when Nick told her. God, that was hard. I've never seen anything like it and I never want to again."

"I'm sorry, honey, I know how hard this is on you. When I heard what happened I had to come back."

"I'll be fine, Kate won't. How can she ever be? All I had to do was stay away from him."

"Honey, don't you start that bullshit. None of this is your fault. You had absolutely nothing to do with Kate losing her baby. These things happen, they're unexplainable and sad. We have no control over what happens in life, you're not God."