Imperfections (55 page)

I know I'm not God but maybe…I stop thinking and look at Ava. "You didn't have to come back. You should have stayed with your mom and dad. No sense in ruining your holiday and New Year's. Your mom and dad really wanted to see you."

"My parents will be fine. They have their dysfunctional marriage perfected. They saw me, I saw them, it was all good. To tell you the truth, I was ready to come back. Christmas was nice and all, but I want to ring in the New Year in New York with my best friend and roommate."

"Thanks for being a good friend."

"No problem. What are we going to do for New Year's, roomy? Hit the town, paint it red, green, and gold?"

"What am I going to do?" I look at her with all seriousness because I'm dead serious. "Not a damn thing. I can't wait for this year to be over."

"We need to take this year out with a bang."

"Are you serious? I have had enough damn bangs. Any more bangs and I'm going to need emergency care stat."

"Don't you worry I'll make sure we have a rocking New Year's Eve and the paramedics on standby."

"Knock yourself out. The only thing I plan to do is curl up in bed with a bottle of pink champagne and watch Ryan Seacrest before my head hits my pillow. I don't need any more excitement in my life. I've had enough to last a lifetime."

She looks at me and holds up two swatches. "Which one of these do you like better?"

"I like the yellow-and-blue striped one."

"Good, I like that one too."

"When will this place be finished?"

"As soon as my contractor stops dragging his ass. I'm going to light fire under him come the new year. I'm tired of seeing all this construction shit in here. I expect him to have this place ready by February. He's not getting a dime more from my ass. I'm going to be in this place every damn day. He doesn't know who he's dealing with. He better not let my southern charm fool him. This is fire right here. Handle with care, handle with care."

"That's right he's going to get burned. Take it to him, sister girl." We look at each other and break out laughing as I hold my fist in the air. "Sister power."

I am glad she came back early. I don't know what I would be doing right now. Yes, I do, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. Nothing to take my mind off Nick and Kate and all the hate my family is throwing my way. My phone rings. It's Chris.

"Chris."

"Meet me outside in five minutes."

"I thought you were coming inside."

"No, meet me outside."

"Okay, five minutes." Ava stands in front of me with her hand on her hips leaning on the counter. I ask, "What?"

"Why won't he come inside?"

"I don't know."

"Well, maybe I'll come outside with you. He doesn't want to come to me I'll come to him."

"Easy, girl. Take it down a notch. You're getting yourself all worked up."

"Your brother is a hard nut to crack. If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to crack it and split it in two."

"Careful now, you're going to need those nuts. They don't grow back."

"You're right." She holds out her hand and yanks down. "I'll just squeeze them a little, that will get his attention."

"I'm sure it will. I'm outta here, bye." I put my coat on and head out the door.

"Tell him I said hi!"

"Okay!" I yell back over my shoulder.

I meet up with Chris at the corner of the block. He's dressed in his suit and his double-breasted wool coat. He looks good as usual. A girl walks by and smiles at him. He smiles back and gives her the eyes. I roll my eyes and look at her up and down when she looks like she's going to stop. She notices the look I'm giving her and keeps on walking.

"Why did you do that? She was cute."

"She wasn't that cute." He's lucky Ava didn't come out here with me, he would have seen cute. "Why didn't you come inside?"

"Nah, I need the fresh air," he says, straightening his collar.

"I'm sure you do." I give him a knowing look.

"You want to get something to eat?"

"No, I'm not hungry. You can walk me back to the apartment and we can talk there. It's not too far from here."

We walk back to my apartment in silence. When we get in the door I take his coat and we sit on the couch.

"So how have you been doing?"

"You tell me. Don't I look fine?"

"Looks can be deceiving."

"They can. I'm keeping it together the best I can." I want to ask him how Kate's doing, but I don't. I think about her all the time. "What did you want to talk about?" Like I don't already know.

"No one has heard from you in days. I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"They know where to reach me if they have anything decent to say to me."

"You have to talk to someone sooner or later. You know we're still your family, we can work this out."

"I don't know if we can. I messed up; I fell for the one guy I shouldn't have. I took a risk and I lost my family and the guy."

"I always knew he liked you."

I look at Chris. "Did you?" He nods his head. "So why didn't you tell me?"

"Why would I?"

"Why wouldn't you? You guys have been friends forever."

"Exactly, why would I want my little sister going out with my friend? I don't even want to think about it."

"Why? Nick's not a bad guy."

"He's not the guy you want dating, I use that word loosely, your little sister."

I roll my eyes at him.

"Cat, do you think he was going to be celibate because you were my little sister or because you didn't have a lot of experience with sex back then?"

"Yes. You don't know that he wouldn't."

"Yes, I do. He would have cheated on you or taught you everything he knows and more. All we did was think with our dicks. What guy wants to think of their baby sister like that? I know I don't. I don't even want to think about it now."

I smile at him and I feel myself blush a little. I can't help it, I know what he's talking about. He looks at me and rolls his eyes like I did to him before.

"You see, this is what I'm talking about. You blushing and shit. If you're an adult now, and I still don't want to think about it, what would have happened back then?"

"You would have trusted him to do the right thing because he was your best friend and you would have trusted me to know what I could handle." He opens his eyes wide and looks at me like I don't know what I'm talking about.

"Hell no! I wouldn't have trusted you or him."

"Okay. It was just a thought."

"It was the wrong thought. He probably would have had you chained up naked to one of those giant wheels they have on
W
heel of
Fortune
on your first date while he spins you. Big money, big money, big money."

My head pops up, my mouth is open. "Chris." He is totally exaggerating. Nick wasn't that bad. From what I knew anyway.

"What? He was into a lot of kinky shit back then or I should say, the girls he was into. He was my friend, I knew him better than you back then. We saw a lot, we did a lot. You're right about one thing; we're as tight now as we were back then. That's the only reason he didn't touch you. If he had, we wouldn't be friends now."

"Did you tell him to stay away from me?"

"No, he knew how I felt."

"How do you know he liked me like that?"

"The first and only time you went out with one of the guys on the football team, you were fifteen."

"With Mason. I was so excited about that date. I couldn't believe he wanted to go out with me." He was more someone that would go out with Kate. "I was surprised when he asked me out."

"You weren't the only one."

"What do you mean?"

"Nick was at the house that night. When he saw Mason and heard about the date with you…he wasn't happy."

"I didn't know he was there that night. I didn't see him."

"We left before you came down. He lost his cool and told Mason if he laid one hand on you or even thought about kissing you he would make his life hell on earth after he crippled him and put him in the hospital. He was going to show him the way to the white lights."

"He did what?" My eyes almost drop out of my head they're open so wide.

"You heard me."

"Why didn't Mason say anything?"

"Would you? Mason was two years behind us in high school. He was on the football team with us before Nick quit, he knew Nick meant every word he said."

I should be upset, I'm not. It's nice to know I wasn't alone in the way I felt about him. It's nice to know he felt the same way about me. Even though he was acting like a maniac.

"He was pissy the entire night after that. He was so upset he got into an argument with his date, dropped her off on the curb, and told her to get the hell out of his car. My date was friends with her, could you believe she got upset with me and left with her?"

I look down and smirk.

"I know he loves you, Cat. The issue at hand isn't if he loves you, it's can your love survive all of this. Is it more important than your family?"

I don't say anything. I don't know. Doesn't matter now, does it?  "Have you talked to him?"

"Yeah, we talked."

"Good. I don't want this drama to affect your friendship."

"How can it not?"

"It shouldn't. You've been friends far too long—"

"But it does! It doesn't only affect me, it affects this whole family. He went about this whole fucked-up situation wrong. I mean, I don't even know if there could be a right way. It's all wrong. Kate's all messed up and rightfully so, she lost more than any of us. She lost a life. She lost her baby. You're estranged from the family. Jay, Jay is Jay."

"He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you."

"That's news to me. Nick is my pimp and I'm his whore bringing this family down."

"Cat, stop, he doesn't think that."

"You didn't hear the message he left me." I was at work and it was all I could do not to burst into tears in front of a room full of five-and six-year-olds. "That's what he said, those were his words."

Chris makes a face. I can see his jaw tighten. "I'm sorry he said that to you. You don't need to hear shit like that."

"Don't apologize for him. He meant every word."

"He's just hurt—"

"So am I," I say defensively.

"He wasn't expecting you to do anything like that."

"Neither was I; to be caught in a love triangle with my sister."

"Jay doesn't understand why or how you could do something like that. None of them do."

"I love him. I'm not using that as an excuse. It doesn't make what we did right. I don't know. I don't have an answer for you. Something kept pulling me back to him. I couldn't stop, we couldn't stop. He's the first thing I see in the morning before I open my eyes, at night before I fall asleep. It hurts. Everyone is hurting. I'm hurting too. This is my pain. Sometimes I feel like this pain will never go away, this ache, this wanting, this need only he can fill. It hurts."

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I don't want to see you hurt or in pain. It won't always feel like this. Eventually our family will come around. You'll find someone else."

"Timing is everything. It's true. If I had only come back six months earlier, things would have been different. Nick and I would have been free to be together. Kate wouldn't have gotten pregnant. She wouldn't have miscarried. Mom and Dad wouldn't have lost their first grandson and Nick wouldn't have lost his first child."

"You can't think in what ifs, you can't change what's already happened. You just have to move forward and repair the damage. It's not going to be easy but you have to try. "

Looking down at my hands I sniff. "Give me some time. I'll try."

"How about tomorrow? I think tomorrow is a good time to try. Get it over with like a band aid. Rip it right off without hesitation. A quick stab of pain and that's it, the faster the better."

"Unless a piece of your flesh is ripped off with it and opens a fresh wound."

"Cat."

"Fine, I'll see if I can go over there tomorrow."

"Good. I'll call you tomorrow to see how it went. I'm going back to the office. I have to show a Brownstone to a couple near Eastern Parkway and New York Ave they're looking to move from Manhattan."

I walk him to the door and I remember Ava. "What's up with you and Ava?" He looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. "She likes you."

"I'm not looking for a relationship."

"Who's to say she is? Ava's not a labels type of girl. She might surprise you."

"All girls like labels, especially the ones with money. The more labels the happier they are."

"Get out of here." I push him playfully. He gives me a hug and leaves.

I lie down on my bed and think about tomorrow. I need to get my panther necklace anyway. I guess I've made up my mind. I'm going to see my parents.