In an Adventure With Napoleon (7 page)

‘Yes, that’s the ticket.’ The Captain nodded towards the native, who was waving and getting a bit closer now.
‘Poor chap is probably labouring under the idea that this is the land of his spirit ancestors or some rubbish like that. But not to worry. Because in my experience the great thing about indigenous populations is that if you give them something shiny they’ll happily sell you their sister.’

The Captain drew himself up to his full height, and waved back at the native, who had almost reached them now and appeared a little out of breath.

‘HELLO THERE. I’M THE PIRATE CAPTAIN,’ said the Pirate Captain loudly, striding forward. He pressed the milk bottle top into the native’s hand. ‘PLEASE DON’T MISTAKE ME FOR A GOD. WE GOT IN ALL SORTS OF BOTHER THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED, AND FRANKLY THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH SACRIFICIAL LAMB’S BLOOD A FELLOW CAN DRINK. ANYWAY, HERE IS A SHINY MILK BOTTLE TOP. ALL THIS,’ the Captain indicated the island with a sweep of his arm, ‘MINE NOW. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?’

The man blinked and looked confused. He was very well dressed for a native, thought the Pirate Captain. Usually they wore nothing at all, or, if you were lucky, they’d have gourds over their bits. But this one was wearing a nice warm duffel coat with a woolly hat pulled down around his ears, and he was carrying a sensible umbrella.
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‘I’m not sure I really follow you,’ said the native cheerily. ‘But thank you very much for the bottle top.’

‘PERHAPS YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF CHIEFTAIN’S HUT YOU COULD TAKE US TO? DON’T WORRY ABOUT HEFTING ME THERE ON YOUR SHOULDERS, WALKING IS FINE. IT’S JUST I’M QUITE KEEN TO GET OUT OF THIS RAIN BEFORE IT DOES SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO MY LUXURIANT BEARD.’

‘Goodness me, of course,’ said the native. ‘You’re hardly dressed for this weather. Come along.’

The pirates followed him across a landscape that seemed to be made mostly out of puddles and more scrawny goats, until they arrived at a battered but neat-looking village. A small row of houses huddled together around what the pirate with a scarf supposed was meant to be the village green, but would more accurately be described as the village grey, or best of all, he couldn’t help but think gloomily, not described at all.

‘This isn’t so bad,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘I think I’ll probably call it New Pirate captain Ville. I was a bit worried it would be like our adventure with the Aztecs and all the buildings and furniture would turn out to be made of hearts.’

‘Oh no, there’s nothing like that,’ laughed the native, ushering the pirates through the door of one of the houses and into an oak-panelled hallway.

‘You laugh, but to be fair it’s surprisingly comfortable,
waking up on a pillow of ventricles. Sticky though.’

‘Yes, I can imagine.’ The native took the pirates’ sodden hats and coats and went on looking a bit bewildered. ‘Now then. There’s a nice log fire in the study, if you want to warm yourselves up. I’ll just get some tea. I say tea, it’s more a sort of seaweed-saltwater infusion, because it’s rather hard to get hold of tea all the way out here. We did have a packet of digestives, but I’m afraid they ran out, and it’s another six months before the next supply boat. I’m sorry I can’t offer you more. It’s not often we have visitors, you see.’

The native smiled. One of the pirates sneezed.

‘Aaarrr,’ said the Pirate Captain, giving the pirate a cuff around the head. ‘Here’s this fellow, being so polite, and with that one sneeze you’ve probably doomed the entire population of this island. Because they’re not used to our germs.’ The Pirate Captain turned back to the native and pulled a guilty face. ‘Sorry about that, I do hope you won’t have too lingering a death.’

‘Dear me, no,’ agreed the native, handing the pirates towels so they could dry themselves off.

‘So, how can I help you?’ asked the native, once he’d returned with a tray of murky tea.

The Pirate Captain pulled out the deeds that Black Bellamy had given him.

‘The fact is I’m now the legal owner of this island.’ The Captain spread the deeds out on the study’s table. ‘I think you’ll find these explain everything.’

The native squinted at the deeds for a minute. Then he squinted at the pirates and looked uncomfortable.

‘I’ve come here to raise bees,’ added the Captain helpfully. ‘I’ve heard you’re famous for your bees.’

‘In a way we are,’ said the native. ‘In so much as St Helena has some of the thin nest, rattiest bees in the world.’ He smiled again nervously. ‘Look, I don’t really know how to put this,’ he added after a couple of awkward moments ticked by. ‘But I’m afraid these deeds are a forgery.’

‘A forgery?’ repeated the Pirate Captain, his heart sinking into his shiny black boots. ‘But Black Bellamy gave me his solemn piratical word!’

‘What makes you think they’re a forgery?’ asked Jennifer.

‘Well, young lady, if you study them closely, you’ll see that the picture of the Queen’s head is really quite badly drawn. And, if I’m not mistaken, this wax seal is actually the casing from a novelty cheese. Also, if you take the first letter of each sentence it spells out “Got you again, love BB”. Plus the whole thing appears to be written on the back of the drinks menu from somewhere called The Skull Island Paradise Tiki Bar.’

The pirate crew did a uniformly poor job of not looking delighted at the news. The Pirate Captain slumped into the armchair and pulled a face.

‘St Helena belongs to the British Empire. I’m the Governor, you see. I realise it’s not quite as famous as some of the other colonies, like India or Canada or Australia, and that you can pretty much throw a stone across the length of the entire island, and that we’re mostly only notable for having the largest species of earwig in the world,
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but it’s still a terribly important responsibility.’

‘Pish,’ said the Pirate Captain, because he couldn’t think of anything more piratical to say. ‘That’s a bit of a blow.’

‘Forgive me for appearing to think the worst of people, but is it possible this Black Bellamy character might have been playing a trick on you?’

‘Truth be told,’ said the pirate with a scarf, ‘it wouldn’t
exactly
be the first time.’

‘Hey ho,’ said Jennifer, trying not to beam too much. ‘Them’s the breaks. I suppose it’s back to the sea for us. Thank you very much for the tea.’

Several of the pirates made to get up, but the Pirate Captain waved for them to sit down again. ‘Not so fast, you scurvy lot.’ He shot them an admonishing waggle of his eyebrows, and beckoned the Governor over to one side.

‘Listen, Governor,’ he said. ‘Just between us men, this leaves me in a bit of a fix. You see, the lads have been
really excited about becoming bee-keepers, and I hate to disappoint them. So what if I made it three bottle tops, and threw in one of my more expendable pirates? That chap over there in red, he’s a good hard worker.’ The Captain did his most winning smile.

‘I don’t think Her Majesty really exchanges pieces of her empire for bottle tops,’ said the Governor.

‘Aarrrr,’ said the Captain. ‘But look at their eager little faces.’ He indicated the row of pirate faces. ‘And those big eyes. They’d be heartbroken.’

‘Well,’ said the Governor, pondering for a moment. ‘They do have big eyes. And I suppose there is old Mrs. Blystone’s place. She passed away recently. Eaten by goats. Sad business. It’s not a very spacious house I’m afraid, and the roof leaks rather, but you could stay there if you like. After all, the island doesn’t have a bee-keeper
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at present, so you’d be a welcome addition to the local economy.’

‘Any chance of arranging some sort of commemorative stamp with my face on it, just for appearances’ sake?’

‘We do tend to stick to Queen Victoria’s face, Captain. Sorry.’

‘Fair enough. No harm in asking.’

The Pirate Captain, who was starting to impress himself with his new-found and frankly uncharacteristic firmness of purpose, turned to his pirates and they looked expectantly back at him.

‘Unpack the boat, lads,’ he roared, banging his cup of tea down on the mantelpiece, because banging things was always his favourite way of illustrating those moments when he made a particularly important decision. ‘We’re staying!’

The pirates all seemed to deflate where they were sitting, like a row of pirate-shaped balloons.

‘Come on, don’t all look so dour. And if it helps to get you to turn those frowns upside down,’ he added, ‘then try to think of this as a very long, uneventful adventure on an exotic island. You know, like in that Robinson Crusoe book. But with better hats, and less narrative thrust.’

ou’ve got the canapés ready?’ asked the Pirate Captain, anxiously straightening his beard ribbons in the hallway mirror of their new home.

‘Yes, Captain,’ said the pirate with a scarf. ‘And I’ve made the napkins into little swans like you wanted.’

‘Good man. I want your buckles at their most shiny and your scarves to be at their jauntiest, because this housewarming party is the perfect opportunity for us to make a big social splash.’

Even though they suspected that ‘making a big social splash’ wasn’t half as much fun as ‘making a big actual splash in the sea with cannonballs’, the pirates dutifully went about the task of tidying up the living room in preparation for the housewarming party. They found
that pretending dust was Black Bellamy’s crew helped with the dusting, and that pretending spoons were the sexier bits of mermaids helped with the polishing.

‘It’s incredibly important that we make a good first impression,’ continued the Pirate Captain. ‘I really can’t emphasise that enough. It’s just like with chimpanzees, you see.’

‘I’m not sure I follow, Captain,’ said the pirate with a scarf, carefully putting out the best china.

‘Social hierarchies,’ explained the Captain, who had once taken a primatology course at Pirate Academy for extra credit. ‘You see, when a new chimpanzee joins a group of other chimpanzees the very first thing he has to do is make sure everybody realises that he’s the Alpha Male. Of course, in chimpanzee circles he’ll tend to do this by bashing a few baby chimps to bits against a tree, or punching some macaques.’

‘Are you going to punch some macaques?’ said the albino pirate hopefully.

‘Unfortunately, as I learnt the hard way, it turns out you’ve got to be a bit more subtle than that in human circles. On account of our years of extra evolving. Social dominance amongst landlubbers is mainly established through throwing lavish parties and telling amazing anecdotes.’
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