In the Lyrics (14 page)

Dammit, we were so close.

“Let me down, please,” she hisses through gritted teeth.

Setting her down on her feet, she takes a quick step away from me.
What did I do?

“I’d appreciate it if you found another place to stay. I can’t handle seeing you here every day, knowing you’re with her. It will kill me.”

What is she talking about ‘with her’?
She must have seen Brittani kiss me. Reaching out, my hand brushes her cheek before she turns her head and takes another step away from me. Disgust is written on her face.

She fumes, “I’m serious, Colby.”

“You’re drunk. We’ll talk in the morning. You don’t know what you saw, I can promise you that.”

“You don’t know what I saw, do you? No, you don’t, because your mouth was pressed so close to hers you probably couldn’t even see! I watched you. I know what I saw, and what I see now is a different person than the one I thought I knew. So if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go vomit. And it’s not from the beer. It’s from the sight of you. You make me sick.”

I’m shaken and offended. I know she doesn’t know what really happened. She couldn’t have seen me push Brittani away. If she did, she wouldn’t be acting like this. Anger fills my soul and the normally pleasant version of myself is gone. If that’s what it takes to get through to her, then so be it.

“Fucking listen to me!” I shout as her words cut me like a knife. “I pushed her away, Hensley. Did you see that? Did you see me shove her off of me? No, you didn’t. You couldn’t have. So don’t stand here with your hands on your hips acting all high and mighty. Because while
she
kissed me,
you
kissed him.” She frowns.

That’s right, you should be ashamed of yourself.

“Oh, cat got your tongue? How about how I feel? Do you think I enjoyed watching you dance all over Logan, shaking your ass like some cheerleader?”

Her voice breaks, “You saw that?”

“Yeah, I saw the whole thing.”

She gulps, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry you did it, or you’re sorry I saw you?”

Hanging her head in shame, she whispers, “Both.”

THIS CONVERSATION IS a total buzz kill, but I know we need to hash things out. We can’t keep up this little charade of hiding our true feelings. It’s not good for either one of us, and I know it’s bound to happen sooner or later, so we might as well get this conversation over with now. At least I have alcohol in my system, making me brave. Taking a deep breath, I feel like I’ve been bitch slapped in the face, and knowing that I intentionally got drunk and led Logan on makes me feel like I’m two inches tall. What’s worse is admitting it to someone I really care about.

Colby moves towards me and I fight the urge to walk away. He hurt me – or I thought he hurt me, but if he’s telling the truth, then really, I hurt him. I was so selfish – only thinking about ridding my mind of thoughts of him. It didn’t help. While I was kissing Logan, I pictured it was him the entire time. That kiss made everything worse. Dusty punched someone, for the first time in his life, and it’s my fault.
Deciding to go to the stupid bonfire was a bad idea.

“Hensley,” his voice sounds pained as he reaches out and places his hands on both of my forearms. “I can get over you kissing him, but I can’t get over you denying your feelings for me anymore. I know you like me. You have to, because these feelings I have for you are real. You have to feel it too. Tell me, am I making it up? Is it all in my head?”

We’re standing face to face, our breaths matching one another’s.

“No.” I don’t know what else to say. It’s not in his head. I feel it too. “I was, umm…I was going to tell you I liked you, but then she came over and messed everything up.” Admitting my feelings was supposed to feel good. It doesn’t. Not after I’ve acted like a giant asshat tonight. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. That’s life though.
It sucks.

“Then why did you kiss him? To get back at me?”

I hiccup and ashamedly admit, “Yes. I was so mad. You have to understand where I’m coming from.” My pleas might mean nothing to him, but it’s worth a shot. “I just wanted to forget about you, and he was there. He’s always been there, waiting for me. He’s liked me since forever, so I knew he’d want me. I just wanted someone to want me, since you made it clear you didn’t.”

“Shit, Hensley. That’s really what you think? What do I have to do to prove it? I want you. I’ve wanted you since day one. Since I saw you on that damn corner, I’ve wanted you. I go to bed aching for your touch and wake up dying for you to quench my thirst. Do you ever wonder why I stare at you all the time? I’m taking you in, drinking you up.”

“I like you.” I choke on my words as I acknowledge how I really feel. Turning away, my cheeks redden and my palms feel clammy like I just gave a valedictory speech.

He pulls me close and the feeling of his strong arms embracing me feels like the moment you come home from school and take your hair down and your bra off – it’s the best feeling in the world. Then he leads me to the couch, sits down, and pulls me down on top of him so I am straddling his lap. “You’re the only one I want here, sitting here, like this. It’s only you. If it takes me reminding you every five seconds how much I like you, I’ll do it. Challenge accepted.”

Leaning forward I kiss him, but he doesn’t kiss me back. “See? You don’t want me.”

“What I don’t want is Logan’s sloppy seconds. I want the first with you, the first of everything. Let me be your first boyfriend, first love, and the one you give yourself to for the first time. I want to be there for all of those things, all of the moments that matter. I want to be the guy holding your hand when they happen. I’ve been basically begging you to let me be him for the past two weeks, Hensley. Let me in.” He holds his hand over my heart.

“I want it too. I’m just afraid. God, Colby, I’ve never done this. Ever. It’s all new territory for me, and I’m scared to death.”

Cupping my face with his hand, he says, “What is it that you’re scared of?” He sounds like he’s really interested in the answer.

“I’m scared…” I stutter. “What if I fall in love with you? What if this, us, works? Then what? I’ve built my entire life on running as fast as possible out of this town, but now what? You’re here, and I like you. By admitting that, I’m accepting that I might never leave here. I have to leave here. I have to get out.”

It’s as if the clouds part and opera singers around the world unite in a joyous song. That’s what I’m scared of, and the truth of the matter is, it’s not just the thought of being in like with someone, it’s the thought of having someone or something
here
. He’s a reason I’d stay. Even when I’ve been dreaming of fleeing, he’s my reason for staying and it makes me feel like vomiting.

“There’s nothing to be scared of, Sunshine. Do you know why?”

I shake my head.

“Because when something is mine, I own it and protect it. Hensley, I want your mind, body, and soul. Let me have it, and I promise there will be nothing to be scared of ever again. You want to sing, I want you to. You want to serve tables forever, I want you to. I will not, ever, stop you from living your dream. I just want to be a part of it.”

Tears fill my eyelids as he speaks. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a hallucination. I just yelled at him and told him I hated him, but here he is confessing his feelings for me. What did I do in this world to deserve him, this perfect man that sits before me? There comes a time in one’s life where you have to make a life changing decision. Some people choose where to attend college or whether or not to move out of state for a job, but right here, right now, choosing Colby is my life changing decision.

“Own me, Colby,” I whisper, deciding that it’s him that I choose. He doesn’t say a word; he stands with me still in his arms. Walking towards the bathroom he opens the door with his foot and then carries me in. He hits the light switch and then sets me on the sink.

“Brush your teeth and take a shower. I don’t want to smell Logan on you ever again. Then come sleep with me. I want to hold you in my arms all night and wake up with
my
Sunshine beside me.”

The moment seems too intense for me to open my big mouth, when what I really want to do is demand him to shower too and wash that skank off of him! Refraining, I smile as he leans forward and kisses my forehead and then shuts the bathroom door behind him.

In a frantic hurry I jump off of the counter. The sudden movement causes me to feel dizzy. I wish I didn’t take that first sip tonight, and I pray like hell I don’t have a hangover in the morning. Brushing my teeth, I strip off my clothes and take a quick shower, washing away Logan’s scent and my anger all at once. I believe Colby pushed Brittani off of him; I believe him with all I have. I just wish it was Logan who kissed me, so I could say I pushed him off me. Remorse isn’t a good feeling.

THAT NIGHT I crawled into a man’s bed, one that I had romantic feelings for, for the first time in my life. He kissed me a few times before pulling me to his chest and holding me tightly. I think we were both a little fearful of what was happening between us. At least I know I was. I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and he, well, I’m sure he’s had girlfriends. I mean, look at him. He is handsome and attractive. Where he is rugged and all man on the outside, his heart is pure and affectionate. What’s not to like?

Colby held me tight as we talked about everything under the sun, from what his hometown is like to when he learned to play the guitar. It was oddly relaxing, and I found myself opening up to him too.

Waking up, I glance around the room, forgetting momentarily where I am and whose arms I am in. Looking to my left, I see a sleeping Colby. He looks so peaceful, I almost don’t want to move and break this moment. But I have to pee, and my mouth tastes like someone just took a poop in it. Slowly, I lift his arm up off of my chest and slide off of the queen-size bed. He doesn’t stir. Tiptoeing to the door, I open it and quietly slide out. I feel like one of those sluts in the movies who take the walk of shame. Thank goodness it’s early; I doubt Dusty is even up. Opening his door, I get a rude awakening. Not only is he home, he has a guest with him, in his bed, on my side. My breathing increases as I hold back laughter. I’m not laughing at him per se, it’s just funny because I’ve never seen him with anyone, let alone like them enough to bring them back for the night. Go figure the night I sleep in Colby’s room, Dusty has a visitor in ours. The door creaks on its hinges and makes a loud noise. Dusty looks up from the neck he was nuzzled against.

He slowly crawls out of bed, and much to my surprise, he is butt naked. As he bends, I get a glimpse of his full moon as he slides on a pair of pajama bottoms. He makes his way over to the doorframe where I’m standing and guides me out.

“Shh…” he puts his finger to his lips. We softly walk down the hallway and into the kitchen.

“Coffee?” he asks and I nod.

Unable to hide my curiosity, I pry, “So who is he?”

“Oh, Trevor. He’s captain of the swim and debate teams.”

“And why is this the first time I’m hearing about your friend, correction, your
good
friend, Trevor?”

“Why is this the first time I’m hearing about you and Colby? That’s right, baby girl, you weren’t in my bed when we got home and you weren’t on the sofa. That only leaves one place.” He smirks and I feel like a child who was just caught doing something by her parents.

Stuttering, I admit, “We just slept.”

“Uh huh. Can you get the creamer?”

We fill our mugs with coffee and sit in our PJ’s talking about our nights. Filling Dusty in on my crazy outburst, his eyes scold me for being so hard on Colby. Mine do the same, only I scold him for not telling me about his crush on Trevor. He divulges that he’s had his eye on him for a while. I’ve been so caught up in trying to not like Colby for the past few weeks, I didn’t realize how distant I had become with Dusty. Making a silent vow to never let that happen again, I get up and kiss him on the cheek.

“I think for the first time ever, we’re both in relationships,” I laugh at my own realization.