In the Rearview (18 page)

The moon shines

The stars twinkle

The iron stretches

Up to the sky

Too many steps

To possibly count

The sun has set

The magic begins

Romance tickles the senses

Drunk with wonder

Anticipation and the

Feeling of love

I wish for

Someone to hold my hand

Walk the street

Love me

In Paris

Walk with me

To the Eiffel Tower

Eyes closed

Kiss me

Passionately

Love me forever

I don't know why

I do what I do

I find someone special

Someone sweet

Someone new

We start off together

I fall hard

I fall fast

I have something good

This time

He's falling for me

That's what he says

Then someone steps in

He shows nothing

For me

Just a friend

Nothing more

Why do I question

What I have right now

I know I shouldn't

Hopefully I'll snap out of it

Hopefully I'll grow up

Why do I sabotage

Everything I get

Maybe this time I won't

Maybe eventually I'll grow up

I do get nervous

I can't help but worry

I've been hurt before

I tried to learn

But somehow I've been damaged

I am flawed

I carry pieces of the past

But I'm always learning

Getting better

Able to love more

So don't get angry

When I say things upsetting

I'm scared you'll leave me

But I'm beginning to trust

Just keep being you

You're perfect

Just you

Teach me to trust again

I wrote it down

I made it up

I created a world of lies

The truth doesn't matter

When you're a writer

All you need is a pen

Put it to paper

Make a world

Create characters

And give it

Everything you've got

My head hurts sometimes

And other times it's my heart

But when the two

Meet in shared agony

That is when the rest of me fails

I need relief

I need a break

I can't take these aches and pains

 

Dear Diary,

What is happy?

Sometimes I kind of think I am now. Other times, I wonder if anyone is truly happy. There are so many factors to include. Are you loved? Do you love others? Do you have healthy relationships, good friends and family? Do you enjoy your job, your home life, your success? Do you have balance? Do you feel fulfilled?

A lot needs to be taken into account, and even then, happiness cannot always be predicted or induced. Happiness is an equation that follows no rules.

I think I am mostly happy these days. I have good friends and good family. I do love, and I am loved. Success is relative, and I have as much as I want right now. I got into the two colleges I applied to. I have to make a decision, but these days decisions seem much easier. I know if I make the wrong one, life will go on. Good things will still happen, and a path will be laid out before me eventually.

I'm graduating school today. That is scary, exciting, sad, and happy all at the same time. I'm sure I will cry at the ceremony, my eyes will fill with tears as I walk up to the stage, and they will spill over as I move my tassel to the other side. I'm okay with crying though.

It's okay to cry. It's
okay
to cry.
It's
okay to
cry
.
It's okay to
cry
.
It's okay to cry
. I have to remind myself every once in a while, but it honestly
is okay to cry.

Let it out

Fill my tears

With my sorrow

And let them hit the floor

They fall down

One after another

But I wonder

In my broken heart

If I can rid myself

Of all my pain

Through the

Tears I cry tonight

If you have to lie to make yourself feel better

Go right ahead

If you have to lie to get what you want

Go for it

I know I would never do what you did

I couldn't ever do that

I know I am a better person

Through and through

To my core I understand just how much better

I am than you

My life is always

And will always be about

Making the lives of those I care for better

Not shattering them

I do not ruin those I love

I do not continue to stab them in the back

While they are still hurting

Untrue to myself

Untrue to you

My heart battles

With my stubborn brain

Locked forever

In a deadly embrace

An innocent conversation

A knowing look

Wanting acknowledged

Both sides agree

Risks and fear forgotten

Then it has gone too far

Cannot go back

And take anything away

Impossible to undo

Unfaithful to my heart

Unfaithful to my standards

Unfaithful to you

But more than anything

Regrettably

Unfaithful to myself

She was supposed to be my friend

You were supposed to be my companion

I trusted her

I trusted you

She went behind my back

You walked around my front

She twisted the knife

You took the shot

I hurt from all sides

I couldn't breathe

You both betrayed me

You both let me fall

And now I'm the only one left

Who can pick up all the pieces

A short walk

Changes into

A long journey

Take a few steps

Across a stage

Learn that those steps are truly

A journey into life

Moving on from childhood

Into the real world

It's scary

It will be tough

But take that walk

And learn while you move forward

 

Meagan sat back down on the cold hard chair with her tassel now on the opposite side. These stupid folding chairs were not meant to support anyone through an entire ceremony like this. It probably didn't help her robe was too big, her shoes were pinching her toes, and her hat was making her sweat and itch simultaneously.

Meagan's mom had convinced her to participate in the graduation ceremony. She had little desire to be here.

Meagan had argued there was no need now since she was done. But her mother wanted her to participate, and she had been convincing enough to get her way. Meagan often realized it wasn't worth arguing with her mother. Besides watching her oldest child graduate traditionally seemed important to her, so Meagan had given in.

Now she was waiting for the other three-fourths of the alphabet to be called and walk across the stage. There was quite a ways to go, and she was already impatient. As the letters ticked by, Meagan got deeper into her own head.

Why did I have to wear a dress? This is uncomfortable.

Will I always be single?

Where will I get a job after school?

What will I do with my life?

Will I be happy?

Is anyone totally happy?

Her intermittently connected thoughts rambled on until the speaker stood up to close the ceremony.

His deep voice boomed to every corner of the gymnasium. “And now as you go out into the world remember this: The lessons you have learned within these walls will take you far. Your thirst for knowledge will bring you places you didn't know were possible, and some you never dared to imagine existed. So much more is achievable for you today because you were focused, determined, and capable students here. Do everything you can. Meet people who will make you better. And never stop learning.”

Meagan shocked herself as she became choked up during his words, thinking about all she had accomplished, and all that was eventually to come.

One mistake

One wrong turn

Will not end the world

Learn from it

Move on

And grow stronger

Follow the path

Into life

Face the real world

Write your own story

Learn to be you

Whoever that is

Choose how you live

Do make those mistakes

Choose the wrong thing

Every once in a while

Makes life more interesting

You get

Exactly

What you want

And in return

What is it

That I get

I get

Ignored

I am

Allowed to

Feel stupid

Become

A doormat

Yet

I continue

To let you

Do whatever

You want

Every

Single

Time

I always cave

In seconds

Flat

I give you

What you want

And I get

So little

Back

From you

Across the mat

Walk through the door

Make your way into

The real world

What is real

Was life not real before

Why after school

Does it suddenly become real

What does it take

To actually be real

Why does walking across a stage

Welcome you into the real world

Does it start at a certain age

An event in life

When did I become an adult

Or am I still a child

When will I become an adult if I'm not already

Did it happen when I first pierced my skin

When I learned what

An eating disorder was

When my innocence and naïveté

Were taken from me

Or when my eighteenth birthday rolled around

Did I become an adult when

I suddenly had friends who were pregnant

Had children of their own

Or lost those babies inside

Did I reach my own personal adulthood

When I got my own car

And drove it alone

Or when I crossed the stage

At graduation

Will I leave my childhood behind

When I walk into my first

College class

Or when I move into my dorm

When I'm in a committed relationship

Will I finally be grown up

When I get married

Or have kids of my own

When will I finally get the privilege

Of calling myself

An adult