In the Rearview (20 page)

The sun

Rises

Each day

And gives me

New opportunities

It offers

A chance

To be new

Be honest

Be happy

Be me

As the sun

Says good night

Each evening

The moon replies

Hello

And with it

Comes a second chance

To say goodbye

To mistakes

And faults

And welcome in

The positive

You present to me

Each and every

Day

Trust in me

Like I trust in you

Make the leap

Jump through

The fear

Past the hesitation

Follow my lead

And trust me

Poke

Poke

Poke

Irritation

Frustration

Anxiety

They poke at me

Without remorse

And cannot let me be

I know they're there

For a reason

I know I need to think

But that's so hard

When there's so much

Going on here

Right in front of me

I cannot focus

It's hard to consider

Every possibility

But in my heart

I know what should be done

In order for me to be happy

 

Dear Diary,

I think Tanner and I have something real. It feels so good to be with him, to talk to him, to be able to call him mine. We're official now and exclusive. But I still haven't told him yet. I've started to a couple times, but somehow my mouth snaps shut, and I can't get it out.

I know I need to.

And I swear, I promise I will soon. But the idea gives me such anxiety it's embarrassing. Why are the words so hard to say? Why can't I just say it and deal with the aftermath?

I had an idea. I'm not sure if it's the best decision, but I've been thinking a lot about the best way to tell him. If I'm more comfortable in what I'll say and how I say it, then maybe the words will finally come from my lips.

We've been together for a couple months now. And it's by far the best relationship I've ever been in. I haven't said it yet, but I know I love him. Oh man, that's crazy to see written down. I love Tanner!

I can tell he feels the same about me, and he's hinted at the three special words. But he's specifically said he doesn't want to say it without being sure, so he's waiting awhile.

I can handle that. It's probably smart.

No it's
definitely
smart.

But again, I get nervous thinking about the timing. Should I tell him about my past of cutting before we say I love you? I just don't know. I wish it was easier, that my past wasn't so messy.

But then, I guess I wouldn't be me.

I need to tell him soon. I just want the butterflies to go away a little before I do.

In the middle of the night

No one answers

Am I the only one

Awake

Am I the only one

Feeling like this

I am left

Waiting

Wanting

Craving someone's touch

Alone in this room

I can't wait forever

I can't be left

Wanting

The sweet scent

Intertwined with smile

Raindrops fall

And touch so slightly

Lilac kissed

Tulip twisted

A look turned mildly

Laced with tender

Swiveled pink

Lilies wink

A secret kindled

Promised petals

Whispered in gold

Meaning untold

Hold onto the breeze

Keep me close

Bowed head

Folded hands

Downturned kind green eyes

Sweet lashes pointing

To self-conscious pink fingernails

Unsure and fidgeting

Wringing

Hoping to upturn

Some meaning

Deep within the palm

Useless

Honest and deserved

Confusion

Frustration

And devastation

These small pale hands

Can only hold onto

So much

Your kindness is

Surprising

Your tenderness is

Refreshing

Your love is

Something new

I've never wanted

To let someone in

As much as I do with you

You are all I need

Which scares me

So much it hurts

Because it means

I have to share things

That could make our love

Bleed out

It might run dry, forever gone

Your feelings could run cold

Make you turn away and run

I worry about your reaction

I worry you'll leave me

Here alone

But my trust in you is growing

What we have will need

To be strong

I have skeletons in my closet

I have monsters in my past

They jump out

And try to hurt me

Every single chance they get

And it worries me that they

Could try to hurt you too

Please be strong for both of us

Stand tall and be our strength

Let your kindness

Your tenderness

Your love

Earn my shaky trust

 

Meagan had decided the only way to open up to Tanner was in the same way she best expressed herself. Her writing would tell him when her mouth still locked up. It was time. Actually it was past time, so she needed to get it over with today.

Just days before, the two had exchanged sweet I love yous followed by a kiss. Her heart had soared above the clouds. She'd felt amazing. It was simple, it was perfect, and more than she'd expected, but afterward her heart sank a little. He needed to totally know who he'd fallen in love with.

He deserved the chance to walk away if it was too much for him.

That terrified Meagan. It chilled her to her bones, but it was the right thing to do. She would give him the truth along with a clean
out
if he chose. If that's what happened, she would be momentarily broken, but when looking at the situ
ation from the outside, it was only fair. She wanted everything with Tanner to be done right.

So she had brought her binder of writing along with her to Tanner's. She was sitting in her car. During the drive over, she had tensed up more with every mile marker she passed. Now all that was left of her body was a bundle of nerves contained by a thin layer of skin. Hopefully her dinner wouldn't come back up during this experience.

She pulled into a spot and moved her car into park.
Terrified
was the only word that came to mind. She was definitely terrified.

Meagan gave herself a few more minutes in her driver's seat with her eyes closed, one open palm on each leg, and her feet flat on the floor. Here she was, grounded, and reminded how sturdy and reliable her surroundings could be when she needed it. She pulled air into her lungs.

But as she exhaled, a sharp rap on her window caused her to cough and scream.

“Oh crap!”

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.”

When she heard the concern in Tanner's voice and saw the furrow in his forehead, she started laughing. It was a cathartic laugh that eased her fear. It had been exactly what she'd needed to move. She grabbed her writing and got out of her car, throwing her arms around him.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course. Luckily, I didn't pee my pants.”

“I didn't mean to scare you. I was just taking out the trash and I thought I saw your car. I'm sorry.”

“No, don't be. I'm fine.”

He seemed more shaken than she.

“Let's go inside. It's cold out here.”

Tanner led the way with Meagan's free hand in his.

“I have a gift for you.”

“Oh yeah?”

This was it. She was opening herself up to a possibly disastrous vulnerability. But there were so many papers, so much for Tanner to read, he wouldn't get through it all right now. That h
elped to ease some of Meagan's lingering worry. She would hand the binder over and let him read it at his own speed, after she left, without her looking over his shoulder. Then he would know her better than anyone else
ever
had.

It was different than how she had told Sarah so long ago, and different still than how she had described her experiences back in group. It was as special of an approach as their relationship.

Afterward, he would know her past pain and current strength better than anyone. She hoped he would stick around after reading to help make her future even stronger. But only time would tell.

“You can't keep it.” She handed him her deepest secrets.

“Then how is it a gift?” His eyes were coy.

“I've never let anyone read all of my writing before.”

Tanner's face changed, and he went from mischievous to shocked.

“I'm honored.”

“Don't read it tonight. But when you're done, let me know what you thought.”

“I'm sure I'll love every page.”

She hoped so much for that to be true.

****

Two days later, Meagan was with Tanner again. She had been waiting so many hours for what was coming next.

“I finished reading everything you gave me.”

“So…?”

Now every worry Meagan had let go of returned stronger than before. This was it. This was when he proved he was worth her love, or it was when he would choose to leave. She'd taken the leap and was asking him to as well, but would he?

“Thank you for trusting me.”

She wondered if he was stalling. So she pushed him further.

“I do. What did you think?”

“I think you're brave for telling me. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I love you even more than I did before.”

Meagan's fears washed away and were replaced by relief. Surely he wasn't running with those words, with that reaction. It was possible the information was scary for him, but he was sticking with her regardless.

She'd been right to trust him. She'd been right to leap. There was no better feeling than being right.

After all, everyone had a past. No one popped into existence the moment they met their partner. We all knew people beforehand, we all lived our lives and had experiences unrelated to our significant other. It was just something that had to be dealt with, and Tanner had passed the test. There would inevitably be things Meagan had to accept in Tanner's past she wouldn't have chosen for him, but that was how life went.

That was what it meant to accept someone and love them unconditionally.

“I love you too. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being you.”

She swallowed the little lump forming and smashed into Tanner's chest for a comforting hug. Everything had come out in her favor.

I believe

I can

Change your mind

Make you

Understand

How good

I can be

How much

You would love me

How important

I should

Be

To you

I know

I can

Convince you

To choose

me