In the Rearview (19 page)

School is over

Summer is finally here

I walk through the nearly empty hallways

Graze the cold metal lockers

I once put my books in

Is this period of my life done

And over

How did this happen

Four years in this precious school

Every bad time

Melts away

I look back

And only remember the good

The smiles between friends

While passing on the way to a boring class

Lectures and mountains of notes

I will never look at again

Long gone in someone's garbage

The hard floor clicks with the sound of my heels

The shoes of someone grown up

Dressed to impress

Looking forward toward the future

I just don't understand how twelve years of school

Has possibly passed by so quickly

Is it actually done

Will I never walk through these halls

And look into these rooms

As a high school student

Someone to be mentored

By older friends and teachers

Someone to be looked up to

By scared and new freshman

How did I get from one of those

Dumb little freshman

To an older wiser senior

When did I all of a sudden

Part the seas of the crowded halls

Instead of fumble between tall strangers

When did I go from dropping my belongings

To being allowed to wander

These halls by myself without a pass

I remember those good times

In French, Math, Biology or English

I smile and think how my friends

Got me through the bad times

I may be leaving high school

And moving on into college

And into the real world

But I won't forget this amazing part of my life

They may not have been the best parts of my lifetime

Hopefully I can look back

And realize good was still to come

But this part of my life is over

I know while in my cap and gown

But I smile as I walk toward my future

My friends are waiting for me

We may part our ways for now

But next summer we will be together again

In new periods of our lives

For now school is over

High school at least

College will start soon

And with that comes a new exciting period to start

And many new memories to make

As one door closes, a new one opens

Dear Diary,

Time has gotten away from me yet again, and again I have gotten older. Sometimes I feel like years pass quicker than they should. I look around and see my friends getting engaged, married, pregnant, and having children.

I get jealous.

Of course I am happy for them. I will always be happy when something good happens to someone I love. However, I want these things for myself too. I am still single, going into my third year of college.

Wow, has it been that long since I have written in your pages?

I am okay with everything I have. I don't love the single life, but I'm okay with it. I know I will find my someone someday. Eventually it will happen. Fate has a funny way of working itself out. I do realize the second I stop looking, stop hoping for it to happen, he will come along. My eventually will show up sooner or later.

Looking back, I realize I have learned a lot. I have learned how to cope with harsh emotions and horrible feelings. I have learned how to be healthy in most respects. I have learned how to love fully, and how to wait for the right person to come along who will love me fully back. I have learned how to hold onto my own through good times and bad. I have learned how to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks. I have learned how to help myself be happy.

I have learned how to be whole. I am a solid and complete person. I am not half of a whole. I am whole on my own. When I do find that someone who makes me want to be better, I will be a new kind of complete. Together we will make a new whole, but it won't take away from who I am on my own.

I also know the things that happened to me, and the things I did to myself, were not in vain. Everything I have done, everything that has been done to me, was for a specific reason. Even if I didn't realize it at the time I do now.

I learned many lessons. I grew. I am better now. And I will be able to be a better partner when I am in a worthwhile relationship. I will be able to understand things I never could have before, and I will be able to love better because of everything. I would not be who I am today without every piece of my past, so I am grateful for it. My eventually will come along, and when he does I will be accepted for the exact person I am.

In those truths I find immense comfort.

The taste of you

Is caught on my lips

The scent of you

Is trapped in my hair

The feel of you

Is all over my skin

The heart of you

Is nestled in my heart

I revel in feeling stupid

I love to be made a fool

Such a sucker for punishment

Those can be the only explanations

For why I continue to

Stick around

And be treated like crap

Let them walk all over me

Is this what I deserve

Even if it was not before

The fact that I continue

To put up with it

Every single time

Leads everyone to believe

That it is absolutely okay

Which proves how stupid

I actually am

Touch me

In that way you do

Like no one else

Hold onto me

Tightly

Press up against

My soul

Take it in

Make this moment last

Forever

As long as you can

Love me

In that way you do

Like no one else

Love all of me

The way that I am

The way that I love you

For exactly

Who you are

Reach out

And touch you

In that way I do

So you will

Come closer

And touch my heart

Hold onto it

With your whole self

Keep it safe

Within you

And love me

Forever

There are sparks

There is hope

For a future

That I never saw before

Who are you

What do you bring

How can you hold onto

Me like this

Your smile

Makes my heart

Do funny things

Your hands

Make me sweat

With nervousness

My feelings for you

For this

Have so much potential

It gives me

Something to

Look forward to

 

Meagan wiggled her hand. She beamed.

It was held within Tanner's larger, stronger one. His skin was warm, and somehow it felt safe. How that could be possible after only a few weeks together Meagan didn't know. Actually she was baffled by it.

It had been so long since she had been in any relationship, let alone a healthy one. But this felt healthy. This felt like something real. She hated to admit it, but this felt right. Something had been special when she and Tanner first started spending time together, he had treated her respectfully, and he'd been interested. He'd wanted to know everything she would tell him about herself.

Currently, they sat in the movie theater waiting for the show to start. His hand, still holding onto hers, was in her lap. And Meagan felt safe. This was somewhere she could stay forever.

“Something funny?” He caught her smiling.

Steam rose to her cheeks, and Meagan dipped her chin down.

“Nope, just happy.”

She had wanted to lie. She thought about pointing to the screen and attributing her happiness to a joke passing by up there. But he did make her so happy, and maybe it would make him happy too if he knew it.

“Me too.”

She'd done the right thing then. That was worth a little embarrassment.

But her excitement faded as a new thought broke into her contentment. What it would mean if Tanner became as important to her as she thought he would become? It would mean she had to face an entirely new hurdle.

Meagan had never told someone she was dating about what she had been through and overcame, what she still occasionally struggled with. She'd never presented the vulnerable side of her arms or showed the little scars that remained. It felt impossible to hope for understanding and kindness. If they were going to be serious though, Tanner deserved to know everything about her.

The thought sent knots clenching in her stomach.

How would he react?

Would he run away?

She would have to think about the timing of her honesty. It was incredibly important here. If she opened herself up too soon, he would definitely turn away. But at the other end of an arch of possibilities, if she waited too long, he would feel betrayed or that she didn't trust him enough.

The balance would be incredibly tricky to find. Hopefully, if Meagan made a mistake and swayed a little too far over the delicate line in one direction or the other, he would understand. Tanner seemed forgiving. She would have to be sure not to be miles off at least.

****

After the movie, Tanner gave his full attention to Meagan.

“Did you like it?”

She hadn't paid attention closely enough to know how well she should have liked the movie. She'd been lost in thought for most of the middle. Tanner's laugh had been infectious, and she'd found herself laughing at punch lines she hadn't even heard.

“Definitely.” She nodded.

“Me too.”

Tanner stood up and reached his hand out to her. Meagan grabbed it, and he pulled her to her feet.

“Shall we?”

“We shall.”

Meagan giggled, and they walked out of the theater on the way to dinner.

When they hit the icy blast of Midwestern winter, Meagan couldn't stop herself from gasping. The freezing temperature started a cascade of goose bumps along her skin underneath her jacket. The snow was falling, and it was probably slippery.

“Here, I'll carry you.” Tanner offered his arms to her.

“What? No way.”

“Yeah!” He nodded.

“No, I'm too heavy. I'll hold onto you, though.”

“Hold as tight as you need.” His eyes crinkled as his cheeks rose from a wide smirk, and it radiated authenticity. “As long as you need.”

With his kind words, Tanner sealed the deal in Meagan's heart. She would open up to him and tell him all there was to share. The tough details had been earned.

And she would probably do it soon.

So many people say

When I grow up

They talk about

The real world

As if they aren't already

Living in it

Every minute breathing

Every second living

Is spent in the real world

And you're always growing up

There is no rule

To say that you

Can't change at any time

Be a new you

And pick a new thing to be

When you grow up more

When I grow up

I want to be satisfied

I want to be happy

And fulfilled

In the real world

I need to live

Every single moment

Take in what life has to offer

Refrain from dwelling in the past

Be me

Every day

Unapologetically