Indestructible Desire (2 page)

“Mom…” It comes out so low; even I can barely hear myself. I instantly have the urge to cough. After doing so I wish I hadn’t; as I cough my head and ribs hurt so bad that tears begin to prick the corners of my eyes.

“Oh my God! Savannah!” My mother yells, jumping from her chair. Hearing my coughing fit woke her, thank God. Maybe now I can get something to drink. “Honey, you’re awake! How are you feeling?”

“Thirsty…sore…” Is all I can manage to say. She immediately goes to the tray beside my bed and pours me a glass of water and gently resting the straw against my lips.

“Sip it nice and slow, sweetie.” She says as she rubs my arms affectionately. I am so happy I’m not alone. Being in here is freaking me out, seeing my mother is helping me relax a little. I manage to take a few sips before my stomach starts to feel queasy.

Licking my lips again and swallowing a few times, my mouth is starting to feel normal again. Before I can ask my mother what happened, she’s turning and running out the door. I lay here staring at GAC on the television, trying so hard to make my brain work. I remember kissing Kayden goodbye because he had to go into work, then Jacob and Zak coming over for their farewell dinner.

This was all December 30
th.
But the television is saying Top 100 Songs of 2012? What the hell is today? Did I sleep through New Years Eve? We were supposed to go to Braxton and Mya’s house the next day for their annual New Years Party. I don’t even remember leaving my house, so how did I end up in the hospital? Feeling defeated, I decide to give my frazzled mind a break.

My mother pops back into the room with a nurse wearing scrubs armed with a stethoscope, and a doctor right beside her. She’s wearing dress slacks, heels, and a long sleeve satin blouse. Only thing helping me know she’s a doctor is the white doctors’ coat she’s wearing over her outfit.

“Hi Savannah, I’m Doctor Willow. How’s your pain on a scale from one to ten?” she asks as she stops besides my bed holding a clip board in her hand. She looks over the machines beeping beside me. She is writing things down and every so often smiling down at me. She looks to be in her later fifties.

“About a five maybe, I feel okay just laying here. I have a dull pain in my head and chest. But if I try to move and cough it’s like an eight.”

“Ok, well I’ll have the nurse adjust your I.V. increasing your pain medicine a little more. Its normal with your injuries to still feel some pain, but we will try our best to make you as comfortable as possible.”

“Thank you, why does my body hurt so badly? I keep trying to remember what I possibly could have done, but I can’t really remember much of anything. It’s all a blur in my mind.”

Sitting down beside me on the bed my mother takes my injured hand into hers, smiling at me, trying to hide the fact that she’s a mess. I can tell she’s been crying. Her face is puffy and red, and her eyes are all bloodshot.

Dr. Willow flicks through the papers on her clipboard and then turns her attention back down to me. “Well you just woke up, and so that is normal. It could take a few hours up to a few days for all your memory to return. You’ve been sleeping for almost three days now. You’re brain has gone through a traumatic experience and is trying to process that and heal all at the same time. You were involved in a car accident the evening of December 30th; it’s now January 1st. You had some swelling of the brain from hitting your head during the accident. We had to cut into your skull to release the pressure. This is why your head is hurting like it is right now.”

“A car accident?” Reaching up with my right hand I gently touch my head, feeling the gauze on it. “Was I with Kayden? Is he okay?” I am instantly overtaken by panic. If he was fine, he would be in here beside me right now.

Patting my arm, my mom speaks before the doctor can, “Savannah, sweetie…Kayden is fine. He’s gone home to shower and get a change of clothes. He wasn’t in the car with you.” As she is talking to me, I can hear her voice becoming shaky. She pinches the bridge of her nose to try and calm herself down. I know my mother better than anyone and when she does that, she is very close to losing it.

Laying back against  my pillows, I watch my mother try to stay strong. It’s tearing me up inside seeing her like this. Tears that have been resting in the corner of my eyes slowly begin to escape and zigzag down my temples. I am so grateful that Kayden is fine, but now this leaves me with even more questions. “If I wasn’t with Kayden, then who was I with?”

“You need to rest Savannah; we can discuss all of this later. Right now you just need to focus on relaxing. We’ve been on pins and needles waiting for you to wake up. Kayden, Brooklyn, Reagan, Rebecca, and Mya have all been taking turns sitting with you. Your father has been so strong, I wish I could say the same…but I’ve been a complete mess.”

“I can’t believe everyone’s been here with me. I heard them all talking but it was like I was dreaming. None of it seems real. No matter how hard I tried to wake up, I was too tired.”

“You rest, I will go text everyone to let them know you’re awake. I love you, sweetie.” Leaning down, she kisses my cheek before leaving my hospital room.

The doctor stays a few more minutes to check me over, and the nurse came in to increase my pain meds. I am too exhausted to talk anymore, and beyond frustrated that I can’t remember what the hell happened. I can’t believe it was so bad that the doctor had to cut into my head. This is most definitely not the best way to start off a new year.

My issue of Envy is out this weekend, and we were supposed to fly into L.A. for the party to celebrate at Vertigo. Now it looks like I’ll be missing that too. Lying in my hospital bed, I am watching Miranda Lambert’s Over You music video. I love Miranda Lambert, her and Blake. I’ve been lucky enough to meet them a few times because of my parents, even exchanged numbers with her. Just as the video is ending, Kayden comes barreling through the doorway, practically giving me a heart attack.

As soon as our eyes locked on one another, I instantly feel happiness pushing away the sorrow I’ve been drowning in since I woke up. He looks so tired, as if he’s aged years over the last few days I’ve been here. He’s wearing his worn and ripped American Eagle jeans and a button up plaid shirt. I love it when he dresses down, just as much as I love it when he’s all dressed up in his three-piece suits, looking ready to take on the world.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe it, baby, you’re really awake. I didn’t want to leave you. I wanted to be by your side when you woke up.” Sitting down beside me, Kayden takes my face into his hands. I savor the feeling of his warm strong hands on my skin. I instantly feel safer the moment he’s near me. Leaning down, he presses his lips against mine for a gentle sweet kiss. Holding his lips against mine, we savor each other’s kiss.

Pulling away from my mouth, Kayden gazes down at me with tears filling his eyes. Seeing the sadness in his eyes, instantly makes my chin quiver and the tears I’ve tried so hard to push away slowly return. “I love you so much, baby. I thought I lost you…”

I let out a soft whimper as I saw the first tear fall from Kayden’s eyes. He's normally a man who, from the outside, looks so strong, as if nothing can affect him. Witnessing him breaking down in front of me is terrifying. Did I really come that close to losing my life? So close that Kayden is a complete mess right now? I hate seeing him so sad and hurting. I just want to kiss away all his sorrow and show him I’m alright.

Wiping the tear from his cheek, I try my best to force a smile on my face. “I love you, too. Everything is fine; the doctors said my vitals are looking good. Before you know it, I’ll be as good as new.”

The look of confusion and sadness on Kayden’s face is making my stomach tense up. Why am I getting the feeling that everyone is keeping something from me? I can see it eating away at Kayden right before my eyes.

“Kayden, what’s going on? Why won’t anyone tell me what happened? The last thing I remember is eating dinner with Jacob and Zak; after that it’s all a blur. I don’t remember anything after that; I keep trying to recall something…anything. I'm not aware of saying goodbye to them before they left, you coming home from work…
nothing
. Why was I driving around town, anyways? Was I going to see you?”

Taking in a deep breath, Kayden runs his hands over his face. It’s like he is having a tug-a-war with himself, trying to decide if he should tell me or not. It’s beginning to irritate me. “Kayden…I get it, I was seriously hurt, but I’m awake now. Not telling me what the hell happened to me isn’t fair. Instead of relaxing like everyone keeps telling me to do, I’m just stressing myself out. I’ve been laying here trying so hard to remember, but can’t.”

Glancing towards the door, I can see he’s contemplating telling me. I don’t know if he’s afraid of what my parents will say or do. They all seem to think they have to walk on egg shells around me. “You were in a car accident a few nights ago. I was at work dealing with the issue at Beaumont Industries. You were with Jacob and Zak, Savannah, when your car crashed.”

Why the hell was I with them? Why is it such a big deal for me to know that they were in the car with me? Unless they were not as fortunate as I am. Holding my stomach to try and calm the uneasiness bubbling inside of me, I try my best to work up the courage to ask Kayden my next question. I want to hurry and spit it out before my parents come in and stop him before he can answer me.

“How are they? Are Zak and Jacob okay?” My voice is so shaky the words come out in a whisper; I can barely hear myself speak. As soon as the question leaves my mouth, I instantly question if I really want to know the answer.

Kayden takes my right hand into his, pulling it up to his mouth and kissing it. I can feel his hands shaking as he holds onto me. Not able to look at me, he stares down at out hands entwined together. “You really don’t remember anything from that evening after you had dinner?”

“No! Now please stop dancing around my question and just answer me. I need to know!” My fear is mixing with anger. I just want him to tell me, and not sugar coat anything.

“Jacob is dead…and Zak is missing.” Kayden quickly drops my hand back onto the bed. Standing suddenly, he walks over to the large window beside my bed. For a long time Kayden just stands there looking out the window, as if it pains him to look at me.

I am in shock; I break down and sob uncontrollably in my hospital bed.

I welcome the dull pain shooting through my ribs and head as I cry. The pain helps ease the shock and sadness coursing through me right now and temporarily replacing my thoughts of my friend being dead, and the other, who knows?

Through my teary vision, I see Kayden’s sad features being quickly replaced with anger, his face turning red and his eyes usually a gorgeous green, now looking dark and cold. “Seeing you cry for the loss of Jacob’s life, it shows just how much of a sweet and loving person you are, Savannah. It’s too bad they couldn’t appreciate your big heart.”

I am so confused right now. Jacob and Zak were nothing but amazing towards me and him over these last few weeks. “What are you talking about, Kayden?”

Pacing back and forth at the foot of my bed, Kayden runs both hands through his hair. This time gripping hair into both fists and pulling so hard that he winces in pain. Like me, he seems to welcome the pain he’s inflicting on himself. Something is eating away at the very soul of the man I love. “There is more Savannah, and I want to tell you, I really do, but I am terrified what learning the truth will do to you. Christ, Savannah! I just got you back.”

I sit up trying my best to move slowly. My head is spinning, the pain medicine is kicking in, but moving around is still slightly painful. Reaching out my hand to Kayden, he takes it and walks back around to the side of my bed. “I understand you’re scared.” I say softly. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. I know if the roles were reversed and it was you lying in this bed I would be a complete mess!” I quickly flick a stray tear from my cheek. Taking in small slow breaths, I will my tears away. I am done crying for tonight.

I think the best thing for us both right now is for me to stop pressuring Kayden into telling me everything tonight. Maybe it’s best to wait for my parents or Brooklyn to come back. Let them be the ones to tell me what happened. “If you don’t want to tell me, Kayden, I understand, if you want someone else to fill me in on the rest of the details, I’m okay with that. I love you and don’t want you to feel pressured into telling me anything.”