Infinite Devotion (3 page)

It’s three days before my father’s messenger appears as I’m embroidering by the window in my room. He’s a handsome youth close to my age. His hat falls off as he kneels to me and tries to hand me the letter, but I push it away.

“His Holiness has sent me everywhere to find you,” he says, trying to catch his breath. “You didn’t request his permission.”

“His Holiness should’ve known I would come here,” I say without looking down.

“If I had a daughter as lovely as you, I wouldn’t let her out of my sight either.”

Softening with his flattery, I gaze down onto sparkling grey-blue eyes and a glowing smile that breaks my defenses.

“Will you read me the letter?”

“Perotto is at your service.”

He breaks the seal, opens it up, and reads:

My most cherished daughter,
I am greatly displeased you left without notifying me of your destination. It has caused me much grief to send my messengers out to find you. I know you are facing a difficult time but if you keep with our plan, both you and Cesare will be in better position. Sforza is protected in Pesaro, and we cannot bring him to court to sign the annulment. We need you to go to Rome to bring him where we can influence him. I promise this will all be over soon. Lucrezia, please return with the messenger.
Your devoted father

Perotto folds the letter back up and puts it inside his satchel. “Shall I tell your ladies to start to gather your things?”

“I’m going nowhere.”

He looks surprised. “But His Holiness has forgiven you; there’s no need to fear coming back to Rome.”

“I don’t fear the Holy Father. I’m staying because this is where I choose to be.”

The thought of walking into those papal courts and making false accusations causes my palms to sweat. Perotto sits down on the footstool in front of me, removes some paper from his satchel, and licks his quill.

“What message does your beatitude wish to send back to my master?”

“Dearest father,
I am staying and becoming a nun. I cannot do what is required of me and have failed you and Cesare both. Please forgive me and let me be.
Your Daughter,
Lucrezia”

Perotto tucks my letter away and gets up to leave. “It’ll be a great shame to hide that golden hair under a habit.”

I say nothing as he leaves. He comes back with yet another letter from Father a week later. I’m happy he sends Perotto back. I’ve dressed up every day for the week, expecting him to return. As he walks in, he bows at my feet and reaches to kiss my hand. He does so, so softly and slowly that blood rushes to my cheeks.

He stands. “Would the lady like me to read again?”

I nod and sit on the footstool as he kneels in front of me, very close.

Beloved Daughter,
Your letter caused me such stress that I fell ill and needed a bloodletting to bring me back to health. If you love me, you will return at once. The convent is not your calling. We have many other things ahead for you, and the unpleasantness that lies ahead is only temporary. I have spoken with the mother superior, and she is not in my favor as she is allowing you to stay. I hope you will come to your senses and do what is right for your family.
Pope Alexander VI

Perotto puts the letter away and stares at me. “Do you wish to write him a response?”

“No, it would be the same reply.”

I walk to the window, and he moves with me.

“Do you get lonely here?”

“I have my ladies and the nuns. I’m not alone.”

He comes closer to me than I thought he would and touches my hair. “I have heard men talk about the pope’s beautiful daughter. I always imagined you lovely, but seeing you, I greatly underestimated your power.”

I look up in his eyes that are so close, my stomach drops at this unexpected intensity he creates.

He bends in, kisses me softly, but pulls away too soon. He picks up his satchel, nods to me with a smile, and leaves. Even though I don’t care to hear from Father, I wait every day for Perotto to return.

Five long days later, my maid notifies me of a messenger approaching, and my heart speeds as I wait to see if he’ll run to me, but everything in me falls as I see it’s Cesare’s messenger. Completely disappointed, I hunch my shoulders and demand, “Read, messenger.”

The messenger bows and begins:

Loveliest, Reclusive Sister,
I feel I have not seen the sun in months since you have run away. It is not like you to be so weak and guilty, and I am worried all the Borgias are becoming soft. I have received news that Juan is behaving badly in his misappointed dukedom. There has been much talk that he’s not only been ignoring his wife, failing to sire an heir, but has been going about Barcelona at night making repeated visits to the city’s whores and gambling for large fortunes and losing. He has been disrespectful to many of the alliances, and I fear he is on a course to great dishonor and embarrassment for the Borgia name. I seem to be the only Borgia who is striving for something better than that to which we were born. The only Borgia who is helping Father achieve his empiricist vision for us. Please pull yourself together and see what is the right thing to do. Sforza will be fine, Father will allow him to keep his large dowry, and we will leave him alone after he releases you. Please write to me, or I shall have to visit.
Your loving brother,
Cesare

I give no reply. I know he’ll come anyway. Nothing can keep Cesare away if he wants something. I worry about Juan, though, how he won’t live up to the men Father and Cesare are, and I love him the more for that.

Cesare comes a week later. He glides into the chapel as I’m finishing my morning prayers and claps his hands. “Enough of this strangeness, sister! Come away with me now to go welcome our youngest brother and his new wife, Sancia, to court.”

He gets my attention. “Jofre was married? He’s only fourteen.” I rise up from my prayer bench.

“Yes, while you’ve been praying with the nuns, our awkward brother has consummated his marriage with a much older beauty, Sancia, to Father’s great pride. Even though he’s not one of Father’s favorites, it seems he’s already faring better than Juan.”

I know I’ll have to go. There’ll be great talk if I’m not there to welcome them both to court. Cesare can tell I relent; he unwinds the rosary from my hand, and claps for my ladies to come at once to prepare me for court.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

When we arrive at the Vatican, I turn to Cesare and say, “I’m only staying for the week.”

Cesare smiles. “You’ll have so much fun dancing with me, you’ll take that back.” He helps me out of the coach. Juan’s waiting upon my entrance. He grabs me up in his strong arms and spins me around in circles.

“Where have you been?” he exclaims.

“San Sisto.”

“I know that, but I’ve missed you so much!” He gives me another hug.

I see something different in his eyes‌—‌the gleam’s disappeared.

“You better go get all that gold you had Father make. I want a handsome accessory on my arm tonight to match my dress.”

He gives me a wink and runs off. Cesare looks on jealously.

Hearing of Sancia’s beauty, I dress in my finest dress, the one worth fifteen thousand ducats. Once I’m adorned, I know nothing could be more beautiful than what I see in the mirror. Feeling confident, I go out to the approaching envoy and everyone in court lines up to welcome them. Trumpets ring out as they approach on decorated mules, Jofre in front, looking young and gawky with reddish-tinged thin hair. I see why my father doubts his paternity, since Jofre doesn’t have any of the beauty of the Borgia’s. He’s dark in complexion and rather greasy, with a prominent scar over his left eye from a fencing match. I see no features that improve him.

Sancia catches my attention with her long, shiny, black hair and poised stance in her saddle. She’s not so fine-featured, but her aura is very enticing and charming. Jofre looks like a poor messenger boy next to her regal air. I sympathize with her at once, with how she’s forced into such an odd marriage for family betterment. Father’s at the front of the welcoming line. Juan and Cesare stand beside me, behind Father. Sancia gracefully dismounts, and Jofre awkwardly takes her arm. She dwarfs him by two inches. Sancia curtsies to my father, kisses the ring on his right hand, and as her eyes come up to see Juan and Cesare, she blushes. Juan and Cesare both reach for her arm, and in her graceful way, she smiles and holds both hands up to be kissed by the charmed brothers.

She turns to me and gives me a beautiful white-toothed smile. “I can tell you’re Lucrezia, since you’re the most dazzling woman at court.”

I like her immediately. “Second only to you, Sancia.”

“Oh, and a graceful liar too.” I see a slight scar on her forehead between large honey-brown eyes as she smiles easily.

That night, Juan, Cesare, Sancia, and I perform a bassa dance. Jofre sits quietly next to Father. During the dance, Juan is forced to leave Sancia and switch partners with me. Yet his head remains turned toward her even while displaying his light-footed prancing for me. Cesare now beams as he is finally allowed to perform for her.

Juan glances back to me as it is my turn to dance for him and he asks, “Whom do you think Sancia favors?”

“Jofre?” I say between hops, and we both laugh.

He waits for me to answer honestly.

“Either she favors both or neither,” I say, watching her laugh as Cesare takes her hand high to lead her in a glide around the circle, “or she may treat every man this way.”

He says nothing back. After taking me around the circle as well, he stirs the air with a sweeping bow and moves on to the next partner. Cesare comes to me, still watching, glancing over his shoulder to Sancia, sizing up her new partner.

“I feel like Sancia’s leftovers.” I smirk.

“You’re never leftover, not in a dress such as this.” He looks at my gown with charitable admiration. “But I do wonder who will be in her bed tonight.”

After the dance is over, we sit down to our first course. Sancia’s seated that night next to Father, who never fails to seat all beauty nearest to him, and I’m on her left. Juan and Cesare are positioned out of hearing, and I see them leaning to catch occasional glimpses of Sancia.

Sancia turns to me during the main course and says, “You have three very distinguished brothers.”

I know she’s being kind, including Jofre.

“Yes, and they seem very enraptured with you.”

She sparkles at the confirmation she’s been fishing for. I know then, since she doesn’t ask more, that she fancies both. This is yet another competition between Juan and Cesare.

When dinner ends, both brothers lurch out of their seats to help her leave the table. Juan reaches for her hand first and leads her away to her sleeping quarters. Cesare, fuming, comes back to help me up and motions for his henchman, Don Michelotto. He says to him as he comes close, “Follow them, and watch their door. When he leaves, come and find me.”

Michelotto fixes his steel-grey eyes upon the flirting pair and nods.

Cesare turns to me with a grin. “The main course always follows the appetizer.”

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

I decide to leave in the morning while Cesare and Juan sleep in from their long night. I go again to San Sisto without permission. I know the first day will be focused on Sancia and Jofre, but it will not be long before Father and Cesare begin grooming me for the annulment proceedings.

A week later, Perotto comes. My heart jumps into my throat, so I can barely breathe when I see his slight but tall frame and youthful, happy face. I run to him while he’s trying to take off his satchel, and he smiles as he sees the effect his absence had on me. My maid, Pantasilea, comes in to announce the messenger, but seeing us, she quickly looks to the floor and leaves. We’re both wrestling to free each other of our clothes. Perotto, getting impatient, lifts me onto my bed, pulls up my skirts, and climbs on top of me in a sea of down pillows.

He reads his letter to me an hour later and says, “You’ll have to write back to him this time, and for my sake, ask a question so I can be back in a matter of days.”

He kisses me on the forehead. I start dictating as he grabs for ink and paper.

“Most Holy Father,
I am sorry my attempt for solitude has caused you such pain. I have run to San Sisto to calm my nerves exacerbated by the difficulty of what you and Cesare want for me. I am feeling better every day but am not quite ready to leave yet. What can I do for you from the convent?
Ever your obedient daughter,
Lucrezia.”

“How is that?”

“Perfect, he’ll have me run here in the night to instruct you, I’m sure.” He puts the letter away, and then gives me a kiss as he leaves.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

He’s back the next day and almost every other day after for two months. We keep writing letters with questions and talk of returning to keep Perotto coming back as soon as he can. Today is different, though; he enters, but as I run to him, he gives me a serious and foreboding look that causes my eagerness to halt.

“I bring you bad news, Princess.”

He takes the letter out of his bag and reads:

Sweet Daughter,
Though I am very glad you have come around to move forward in our situation, I have only sad news to speak about. Juan disappeared on June 14. He had been having dinner at your mother’s vineyard in the country with Cesare. Cesare has reported that Juan said that he must leave. Cesare, knowing it was not safe for a Borgia to travel alone in the midst of such enemies in Gandia, tried to accompany him, but Juan would not have it. Cesare noticed a cloaked man follow closely behind Juan’s mule as Juan left heading toward the Ghetto.
Cesare waited for Juan by the bridge by the Piazza Judea, but he did not return. Cesare decided to wait until the morning, thinking that Juan might be out on another one of his brothel visits. When he wasn’t found the next morning, the word got out, and the whole city has closed up and armed in fear of a vendetta.
Lucrezia, dear, please sit down now‌—‌Perotto, make her sit.