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Authors: Dave Barry

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70

The
Barco Loco
had reached the ocean, having motored past the line of cruise ships at the Port

of Miami and passed though the jetties at the end of Government Cut. Bobby Stern spun the wheel right,

aiming the ship toward Virginia Key and, just beyond, Key Biscayne. As the boat turned, Bobby glanced

to the right and frowned. “That’s weird,” he said.

“What?” said Duane.

Bobby pointed astern. “The
Bay Wanderer
,” he said. “That’s a tour boat. They don’t come this

way.”

Duane looked. The
Bay Wanderer
was nearing the end of the jetties. “Maybe it’s a special charter.”

“Maybe,” said Bobby.

“On your left,” Yolanda was saying into the microphone, “is Miami’s famous South Beach, which

is . . . famous for its many celebrities.” Yolanda was winging it; this was uncharted tour-boat territory. A

few of the passengers were looking toward her curiously, but most appeared to be oblivious to the
Bay

Wanderer
’s deviation from course.

They reached the end of the jetties. Sarmiento turned right, aiming at the
Barco Loco
.

Brewer nudged Joe Sarmiento again. “Faster,” he said.

Reluctantly, Joe pushed the throttles all the way forward. The boat surged ahead, now yawing in the

ocean swells. Behind the bridge, a few passengers were starting to look concerned.

“Say something,” Castronovo ordered Yolanda.

Yolanda keyed the microphone. “Coming up on our right, ladies and gentlemen, is Key Biscayne,

which is the home of many, um, residents. To your left is, more or less, Europe.”

They were gaining rapidly on the
Barco Loco
.

“What am I supposed to do when we catch him?” said Joe.

“You’re going to pull up next to him,” said Brewer. “And I’m going to get on board and take some

people off.”

“What if he doesn’t want to stop?”

“He’ll stop,” said Brewer.

“What the hell is he doing?” said Bobby.

“Looks to me like he’s chasing after us,” said Duane.

The
Bay Wanderer
was now less than a hundred feet behind them and closing fast.

“It definitely does,” said Bobby.

“Hey, Seth!” Duane called down to the deck.

Seth looked back, saw Duane beckoning him to the bridge. He trotted back and up the steps.

“What?” said Seth, coming up the ladderway.

Duane pointed back at the
Bay Wanderer
.

“We think he’s chasing us.”

Seth shaded his eyes, squinted at the fast-approaching tour boat. He focused on the figures on the

bridge.

“Shit,” he said. “That’s them. That’s the guys who are after us.”

“They hijacked a tour boat?” said Bobby.

“These are not good guys,” said Seth. “Can we go any faster?”

“Not really,” said Bobby. “I got her pretty much maxed out.”

“How far to the Ritz?”

“Not far. Five minutes?”

“He’s gonna catch us before then,” said Duane. Indeed, the
Bay Wanderer
was pulling up along the

left side of the
Barco Loco
.

“YOU THERE, PIRATE SHIP!” the voice of Castronovo boomed from the
Bay Wanderer
PA

speakers. “STOP RIGHT NOW!”

From the bridge, Bobby flipped the
Bay Wanderer
the bird.

“Get closer,” said Brewer.

“If I get too much closer,” said Joe, “we’re gonna hit him.”

“I don’t give a shit,” said Brewer. “Get closer.”

Sarmiento eased the wheel to the right. The gap between the
Bay Wanderer
and the
Barco Loco

began to narrow.

Behind the bridge, on the observation deck, the passengers were watching the chase with varying

emotions, some concerned that something was wrong, others convinced they were witnessing a

performance, a fake sea battle between the tour boat and the pirate ship. Many were using their cell

phones to shoot video.

The two ships were very close now. Castronovo turned to Brewer. “Now what?” he said.

“Just keep us close,” said Brewer. He opened the bridge door and stepped out, drawing his gun.

“What’s he gonna do?” said Duane. “Ram us?”

The
Bay Wanderer
was now dead even with the
Barco Loco
, about ten yards away and getting

closer. As Bobby, Duane and Seth watched, Brewer appeared on the exterior walkway alongside the
Bay

Wanderer
’s bridge.

“Shit,” said Bobby. “He’s got a gun.” He turned to Seth. “Would he actually shoot us?”

“That guy,” said Seth, “he might.”

As he spoke, Brewer raised the gun, not aiming it, but showing it to Bobby. With his other hand he

drew his finger across his throat, signaling
Cut the engine
.

“Thoughts, gentlemen?” said Bobby.

“Fuck that asshole,” said Duane.

“Roger,” said Bobby, spinning the wheel hard right.

“He’s turning away,” said Castronovo. “Stay with him.”

Joe spun the wheel.

“He’s coming,” said Bobby. He kept turning hard right, turning the
Barco Loco
a full 360 degrees,

putting it back on its original course. The
Bay Wanderer
executed essentially the same maneuver but

made a wider turn, in the process falling behind again. But it was soon closing the gap.

“This ain’t gonna work for long,” said Bobby.

“How far to the Ritz now?” said Seth.

Bobby glanced at the Key Biscayne shoreline. “Not far,” he said. “But we can’t outrun them.”

The
Bay Wanderer
was pulling up on the left again. Brewer was now aiming his gun at the
Barco

Loco
. There was a pop and a piece of wood molding on the bridge splintered. Brewer made the
Cut the

engine
sign again.

Bobby again spun the wheel. “OK,” he said. “So he definitely will shoot.”

Both boats were turning now, making another pair of circles, the
Bay Wanderer
close after the

Barco Loco
.

“We can’t keep this up forever,” said Bobby.

“You got any weapons on board?” said Duane.

“No guns, no. We got the propane cannons, but all they do is make noise.”

“He doesn’t know that,” said Duane. “Maybe we can use them to scare him off.”

Bobby frowned. “Actually,” he said, “maybe we can do better than that.”

Castronovo stepped out of the
Bay Wanderer
’s bridge onto the walkway, next to Brewer. “We need

to wrap this up,” he said. “The passengers are going to start wondering what the fuck is going on.”

“Just get me close again,” said Brewer, staring at the
Barco Loco
.

“I don’t know, man,” said Castronovo. “I think we’re pushing this.”

“We’re covered,” Brewer said. He nodded toward the
Barco Loco
. “Those are suspects wanted by

the police. We’re ex-cops. We commandeered this boat to apprehend the wanted suspects. Doing our

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