Instead of You (29 page)

   A tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away, seemingly determined to continue.  I didn’t dare interrupt her.

   “I took a sleeping pill, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop.  They wouldn’t let me be.  So I took another.  That one managed to put me to sleep, but I just remember waking up from a nightmare, crying, and wanting to just
sleep
.  I’m so tired, Hayes.  So tired.  So, I took two more.  I think.  I think it was two more.  But, honestly, it could have been more.  I’m not sure.”  Her eyes darted up to meet mine then, red rimmed and wet, but so completely clear and focused.  “I
never
wanted to die, Hayes.  I just wanted one night of not feeling.  One night of numbness.  I just wanted to sleep.  I promise.”

   She finally broke down and cried.  I stood from my chair and wrapped my arms around her, holding her as her body shook from the sobs.  I’d seen my mother cry a lot over the last few months.  But she’d always been crying from the loss of her husband and son.  This was the first time she’d cried because she was acknowledging her grief and recognizing the fact that it was unhealthy.

   For that reason, I cried along with her.

Chapter Twenty-Six

McKenzie

   Three days had passed since I’d seen Hayes.  The last time was in the waiting room at the hospital.  I’d been so confused by that person.  The one who wouldn’t let me stay and help, wouldn’t let me try and comfort him.  But my mom dragged me out of the waiting room and then fretted over me the rest of the day.

   Those hours we’d sat in the waiting room had been painful at first, not knowing what was happening or if Mrs. Wallace was going to be all right.  My mom was frazzled, coming down hard on herself for not checking on her sooner.  So, in an effort to distract ourselves, we started talking about anything but Mrs. Wallace.

   That meant we talked about Hayes.

   I told my mom everything. 
Everything
.  From the beginning.  Starting at fourteen when Hayes was my best friend’s cute older brother, to our first kiss at Cory’s party, to where we stood that day, and everything in between.  The best part was my mom listened, understood, and didn’t pass judgment.  I didn’t get a lecture on getting involved with someone so soon after Cory’s death, and I didn’t even get a lecture about it being his brother.  She just listened and then comforted me in her mom way. 

   “I was worried you wouldn’t accept a relationship between Hayes and me,” I’d said, sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room.

   “Why, sweetie?”

   “Ever since I could remember, you and Mrs. Wallace had been pretty clear you wanted Cory and me together.  Being with Hayes seemed like it would be off-limits.”

   “McKenzie, Chelsea and I had the same dream every woman has with her best friend—that their kids will grow up and fall in love.  But if you hadn’t been with Cory, it wouldn’t have mattered.  What matters most, to Chelsea and to me, is that our kids are happy.  If Hayes makes you happy, then I’ll love him like I would have loved anyone who treated you right.”

   I let out a sigh, my head falling back to rest against the chair.  “I hope Mrs. Wallace feels the same way.”

   “McKenzie, Chelsea loves you.  She loved you with Cory, and she’ll love you with Hayes.  It might shock her, she might be surprised, but I really think she’ll be grateful you’ll still be a part of her life.”

   Later, when we’d gone home, she’d baked me cookies, fed me ice cream, and watched a
Twilight
marathon with me.

   Saturday and Sunday passed with only one-word texts from Hayes, and I tried desperately to understand his situation, to think about how he must have been feeling and what he was dealing with.  But every text I got from him that said, “Good,” or “Fine,” made me more nervous.  He wasn’t good or fine.  I knew he wasn’t.  It wasn’t possible.

   Mrs. Wallace had texted my mom Saturday afternoon saying she’d been released from the hospital, but that she and Hayes needed a bit to settle in before they got visitors.

   I was a mess.  Hayes pushing me away had me feeling insecure and useless.  But my mom was handling the situation like a pro, constantly telling me that they needed their space to heal—especially Mrs. Wallace—and that’s what got me through until Monday.

   I’d been on pins and needles all day, knowing that when last period came around, I’d get to see him.  I wouldn’t get to talk to him, to hold him, or kiss him, but I’d be able to look him over and gauge how broken he was.  I’d get to use my eyes on him for a whole period, and at that point, I’d take whatever I could get.

   The day dragged on and every class felt as though it took twice as long as normal.  When it finally came time for the last period, I was practically sprinting.

   I walked into the room and didn’t see him, but that wasn’t unusual so I took my seat and waited.  And waited.  When the bell finally rang and Hayes was nowhere in sight, I panicked as Mr. White walked to the front of the class.

   “Due to unfortunate circumstances, Mr. Wallace will no longer be able to finish out the term here with us.  We wish him the best and I know he’ll succeed with whatever endeavors he pursues in the future.  Now,” he said, turning back to his desk, “Please open your text books to page 411, and we’ll pick up where Mr. Wallace left off.”

   Never had words turned me cold like those.  Never had I suddenly felt as though stones lined my stomach, as if I were tied to my desk and unable to move.  My lungs were heavy, making it hard to breathe, and my heart was pounding as though I’d just run a marathon. 

   Hayes wasn’t here.

   Hayes wasn’t coming back.

   Then, suddenly, the weight lifted and I ran.  If Hayes wasn’t there, then I wasn’t supposed to be there either.  At least, that was the logic that had me sprinting out of my last period class, leaving everything behind.

   I ran all the way home, stopping for nothing.  The adrenaline pumping through my system was enough stamina to keep me going, even when the rain set in halfway there.  I came up on my house, but I still didn’t stop.  I kept running until I saw Hayes’s house, and when I turned that final corner, my eyes landed on Hayes himself.

   Loading boxes.

   Into a moving van.

   That image alone stopped me in my tracks.

   He didn’t see me right away and continued to load a few more boxes.  I was standing just down the street in front of his neighbor’s house, watching.  Finally, he came out of the truck, down the ramp, turned to walk into his garage, and spotted me.  We stood there for a few heavy seconds, staring at each other through the rain, before he started toward me.

   “Kenz,” he said as he neared me.  “I’m glad you’re here.  I’ve been meaning to call you.”

   I wanted to tell him I’d had my phone in my hands for three days waiting to hear from him, to tell him that he should have called, that I’d been worried sick about him, but I didn’t.  “How’s your mom?”

   “They released her Saturday, and we’re just trying to move forward.  She’ll be fine, eventually.”

   We were both quiet for a moment, neither one of us seeming to notice the rain falling heavily down on us.  Finally, I had to speak.  “What’s with the moving van?”

   Hayes turned to look back at his driveway, as if he’d forgotten there was a U-Haul there, forgotten he’d just been inside of it.  When he turned back to me his face was pained and he looked as though the words bubbling up in his throat were hurting him.

   “My mom wants to sell the house.  We’re going to hire movers to come and pack up most of the stuff.  I’m just loading the things she wants to take with us.”

   “Take with you?”

   “Yeah, McKenzie.  Shit,” he said roughly, dragging his hand through his now soaking wet hair.  “My mom needs to really focus on getting better.  She needs to see a psychiatrist regularly, and she needs more care than I can give her here.  So we talked it over and decided it would be best for her to be near her parents in Montana.”

   “Your mom is selling her house and moving to Montana?”  There were so many things about that sentence that seemed impossible to me.  The idea that the Wallaces wouldn’t be just down the street, that some other family would be living in their house, it made the world feel a little colder and unfamiliar, like I’d jumped dimensions or something.

   “Kenz,” he said, the tone of his voice now apologetic, “we’re both moving to Montana.”

   The earth might as well have opened up and swallowed me whole.  Everything that kept me alive stopped working.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, my heart felt like a broken engine, refusing to do its job, churning and breaking and crumbling all at once.

   “Kenz,” he said again, this time stepping toward me.  I stepped back and he stopped, his head dropping, his gaze falling to the ground.

   “Mr. White said you weren’t teaching anymore.  I ran here to see if you were all right.  If your mom was all right.”  I stopped, the words stacking up in my throat, jammed behind the huge lump forming there, with rain now soaking through my clothes.  “You’re leaving?”  I tried not to cry, but it was the only way the words could come out, strapped to sobs.  “For how long?  You’ll come back when your mom’s better?”

   It took a moment before he raised his gaze to meet mine, but he said no words.

   “You’re not coming back?”  What world was I living in?  This couldn’t be reality.  Not my reality.  “Hayes, if you need to go with your mom to make sure she’s okay, go.  I want your mom to be all right too.  But that doesn’t mean we have to be over.  You’re acting like this is the end for us.”

   “It has to be.”

   My mouth fell open. Tears escaped both my eyes, mixing with the rain already streaming down my face, and my feet took me backward, away from the dagger-like words he’d thrown at me.

   “Kenz, listen—”

   “Listen to what?  Listen to you tell me that you’re leaving and we’re over?  Just days ago we were planning the next year of our life together, and now you’re just ending it?”

   “My mom—”

   “Is sick, I know.  I love your mom, and I want her to be happy and well.  And I love that you want to be there for her.  I’d never hold that against you.  But I don’t understand how this all means we can’t be together.”  My words were frantic and tripping out of my mouth almost on top of each other.  The words couldn’t keep up with my thoughts and all I was thinking was why why why.

   Hayes took a fast step toward me, grasping my shoulders before I could get away.  I wanted him to stay with me, to choose to be with me, but I didn’t want him touching me just then.  It felt too raw, as though his hands were carving into me.

   “I love you, McKenzie.  More than I could ever love anyone.  But this, us, it isn’t right.  Healthy relationships aren’t born from death, they don’t blossom in the dark, and they don’t flourish while being hidden.”

   “We weren’t born from death,” I practically spit at him. 

   He shook his head ever so slightly, his grasp on me still firm.  “If Cory were alive, I never would have been with you.  And I’m not saying I was only with you because he died, but dammit, McKenzie, that’s how it feels right now.”

   “This isn’t fair.  You can’t just make me fall in love with you and then let me go like this.  It feels like you set a trap and I’ve fallen in, and you’re just walking away, leaving me behind.”  The rain was still pummeling us, and if I hadn’t had anger burning through me, I would have been cold.  But I wasn’t shaking from cold, I was shaking from rage and pain.

   “I wish I could explain how untrue that is, how I’ll never be able to leave you behind.  I’ll never be able to just let you go, McKenzie.  But as stupid as it sounds, and clichéd as this is, I’m letting you go because I love you so much.”  His arms pulled me closer to him, and even though I didn’t want to, I let him bring me in.  “I’m going to Montana, and I have no idea how long I’ll be there.  This is not the time in your life when you’re supposed to be worried about your boyfriend and his mother.  You’re supposed to be young, carefree, live life, and you’re supposed to fall in love, a lot.”  He closed what space was left between us, my chest pressing up against his, rainwater running down both our faces.  “I want you.  I want you so badly, but it’s the most selfish part of me that would keep you tethered to me in that way.  The best part of me, the part that loves you and wants nothing but goodness for you, wants you to fall in love with someone else instead of me.”

   “There will never be anyone instead of you, Hayes.  And up until ten minutes ago, that fact alone made me the luckiest person on the planet.  But if you do this, if you push me away, it’ll ruin me.  There will never be anyone else, and that will eat away at me for the rest of my life.”

   He pressed his forehead against mine and my hands gripped the wet fabric of his t-shirt, trying to hold on to him for as long as I possibly could.  When one of his hands cupped my cheek, I tried to keep my eyes down, knew that if I looked him in the eyes it would be my undoing.

   “I love you,” he whispered.  His lips pressed against mine and it was the saddest kiss I’d ever experienced.  It was love and good-bye and I’m sorry all wrapped together, and I wanted to pull away, to yell at him, to tell him he was an asshole for making me love him and then throw me away.  But instead, I kissed him back.  Because there was a tiny part of me that knew it would be our last, and I wouldn’t have traded our last kiss for anything. 

   Ever since Hayes Wallace had been my first kiss, I’d believed, somewhere deep inside, he’d be my last.  But I had no idea we’d burn out so quickly.

   I cried against his mouth, unable to keep it at bay any longer.  I pulled away, took one last look at the face I loved, turned, and ran away.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

McKenzie

   There was something to be said for being more heartbroken over a breakup than the death of a boyfriend.  It had been six days since Hayes told me he was leaving, four days since he actually left, and every time my heart beat, I was sure it would be its last.  The first day was probably the worst.  I ran home, barged into the house dripping wet and shivering, and spent an hour in a hot shower trying to bring myself back to life.  My mom came home, heard me sobbing in the bathroom, and eventually managed to get me out, dressed in my pajamas, and eating ice cream. Again.