Instead of You (30 page)

   This time, though, she joined me in more than just solidarity because I’d broken the news to her that Mrs. Wallace was moving to Montana, which she hadn’t known.  So, she was losing her best friend to distance, and I was losing my boyfriend to… what?  To responsible heartbreak?  Romantic martyrdom?  I was swinging from a wild emotional pendulum.  One moment I hated him. 
Hated him
.  And the next, I remembered every single thing about him that I loved and felt guilty for even entertaining the terrible thoughts of hate.

   Of course I didn’t hate him.

   In the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep and my mind was just a jumble of thoughts of Hayes, there was always one thing I knew for sure: Hayes loved me.

   I couldn’t understand why he didn’t give us enough credit, or even the opportunity to make our relationship work, but I tried really hard to focus on the fact that he thought he was doing what was best.  Best for me
and
best for his mom.  In those moments when I would get really angry with him, I’d think of Mrs. Wallace and I’d try to remember what he’d sacrificed for her.  And that made me love him even more.

   Tuesday I’d stayed home from school.  I could hardly walk down the hall without crying, so school wasn’t a good place for me.  But on Wednesday I’d decided to at least try.  I’d never actually gone to high school at the same time as Hayes, but being in there, knowing he wasn’t within the walls, made the school feel strangely empty.  By the time I got to history, I’d told Mr. White I wasn’t feeling well and went home early.  I figured I’d tortured myself enough for one day.  But the next day, and the day after that, I’d managed to endure the whole day.  And by the end of day Friday, I’d made it all eight hours without crying.

   I thought about him all the time, wondered where he was, what he was doing, but I never broke down and tried to contact him.  I knew that would have just been painful for both of us.

   Friday afternoon, though, I did find myself somewhere I hadn’t been in weeks.

   “I know you’re the last person I should be talking to this about, but in a weird way, I kind of feel like you already know.”  I sighed and pulled at a few blades of grass.  “The thing is, I’ll always love you, and I’ll always love him.  And I’m really thankful I was lucky enough to love you both and feel loved by both of you.”  I ran my fingers across the letters of his name engraved on his headstone, and I wondered who would make sure it was taken care of since his mother and brother had moved so far away.  I noticed a little bit of dirt in the
Y
of Cory, so I dug it out and wiped it on my jeans.  “I will never have a best friend like you,” I whispered, trying not to cry anymore.

   “Hey, we resent that.” 

   I turned to see Holly and Becca walking up the tiny hill toward Cory’s gravesite.  I smiled at them, feeling so thankful they’d come looking for me.

   “How’d you guys know where I was?”

   “We asked your mom,” Becca said as the two of them sat down next to me.  We were all quiet for a while, silent and thoughtful.

   “I’ve never hung out at someone’s grave before,” Holly finally said.

   I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, and said, “Me either.  But I hadn’t come to see him since he was buried, and I figured it was time.”  I gave a small laugh.  “He’s surprisingly a very good and nonjudgmental listener.”

   “What were you telling him that he would judge you about?”  Becca’s eyes were trained on me, and I knew she could tell something major had happened in the last week.  Of all my friends, she’d been the most observant, the most skeptical about the excuses and stories I’d made up to cover my time with Hayes.  But in that moment, it felt right that only Cory knew.  I figured one day I’d tell them what had happened, how I’d fallen in love with my deceased boyfriend’s brother, but today wasn’t that day.

   “Stuff,” I said with a shrug. 

   “Have you heard from Hayes?” Holly asked innocently.  I tried to make sure I didn’t pull a face at the mention of his name.  I needed to seem completely unaffected, even if just the sound of his name ringing in my ears made my heart beat faster.

   “Mrs. Wallace called my mom last night. They made it to Montana.  They’re staying with her parents for the time being and she’s starting her therapy next week.”  I said the words as fast as I could, not stopping to take a breath until the end, like ripping off a Band-Aid.

   “I was really sorry to hear about his mom.  I’m glad they decided to get her the help she needs,” Becca said softly.

   “Me too,” I whispered.  I looked over to Cory’s headstone.  “You hear that?  Your mom’s in good hands.  She’s going to be just fine.  She just misses you.”  My voice cracked at the end of my sentence, my eyes stung, and my throat pinched.  Both my friends reached out and rubbed my shoulder or my arm, letting me know they were there for me.  I wiped away a tear and said, “We all miss you.”

   After a few silent moments, Becca finally spoke.  “The guys are at the mall.  They want us all to go see the new scary movie that came out.  Want to come with us?”  She looked hopeful, as if she really wanted me to say yes, but was afraid I’d say no.

   “Sure,” I said, wiping my fingers underneath both my eyes, trying to make sure I’d dried both my cheeks thoroughly.  “I love spending my Friday nights as the fifth wheel.”  I stood up, chuckling, then held out my hands to my two friends, pulling them both up as well.

   “Hey, I was the fifth wheel for two whole years.  You can spend an evening with your coupled-up friends.”  Becca said and then laughed.

   “True.  But someone has to buy me popcorn.”

Three Years Later

Chapter Twenty-Eight

McKenzie

   Somewhere, at some fancy university or research institute, college coffee houses across the country could be making big bucks by hiring laboratories to do research on prolonged caffeine intake and its effect on brain function and retention.

   I was on my third mocha and the highlighter was practically singeing the page of my textbook as I swiped it across the important words.  Or, at least, words I hoped would be important when it came time to take the test. 

   I was but a mere twenty-four hours from my last final of the term, which meant spring break was right around the corner.  Not only spring break, but the first spring break where I was legally allowed to walk into a club and purchase and consume alcohol.  It was on par to be the best spring break ever.  All I had to do was make it through one more test.

   My phone buzzed on the table so I flipped it over and read a text from Becca.

  
**Officially on spring break, bitches.**

  
It was a group text between Holly, Becca, and me.  Holly and I went to the same school, but Becca had opted to go to a college out of state.  It had been sad to drift away from each other physically, but honestly, we saw each other often.  She always came home for breaks and summers, so I really only ever went about two months without her.

  
**When does your flight land?**

  
That was from Holly.  She’d volunteered to pick Becca up from the airport as she was finished with finals already.  The three of us would spend the first weekend in town, hit all the bars we’d been sneaking into for three years, and then drive home to spend the rest of the week with our families and other friends home for the break.

  
**8:30 pm.**

   **I hate that I can’t hang out tonight.  You guys have to have a terrible time since I’ll be stuck at home studying still.**

   **We’ll make sure to party enough to make up for your absence.**

  
Becca’s good mood was evident in her text, and I smiled, knowing how good it would feel tomorrow to be completely done for a whole week.

  
**Get back to studying.  We’ll pick you up tomorrow night and the first round is on me.**

   I knew I’d kept Holly as a friend for a reason.  I turned my phone over, using the same logic that never proved to be true—that if I couldn’t see the screen I wouldn’t be tempted to pick it up—but I was determined to ace this test.

   Tequila shots be damned.

   I decided more coffee was necessary so I grabbed my wallet and walked toward the counter.  I was sure the barista would turn me away, citing some sort of caffeinating limit I’d reached with my ninth shot in my last drink, but she simply took my order and then made my drink.  I waited at the designated spot where everyone stood to receive their drinks, and when my drink was ready I steeled myself for another few hours of heavy cramming.  Eventually, I’d move my study party to the library.  But for now I would go back to my corner, put in my headphones, and try to focus.

   I turned and only two steps into my journey back to my corner, my eyes fell upon him and my body simply stopped.  As if I’d hit a brick wall.  As if the connection from my brain to my legs had been severed.  And it felt as though everyone else stood still too.  The whole world came crashing to a halt.

   Including Hayes.

   Who was standing not ten feet away from me.

   He looked just as uncomfortable as me, but he also looked something like sad.

   Eventually the world started spinning again and my heart thumped back to life, but I was still stuck in my spot, completely unaware of how I was supposed to proceed.  For months after he’d left, I’d looked for him everywhere.  Every time I drove past his house I wondered if he was in it.  At the movies, at the mall, I constantly was looking at every young, dark-haired guy, waiting to someday see him just appear.  But once I moved away for college, I’d stopped.  I knew he’d spent years on this campus, but I’d only been to two places with him, really.  One bar and his apartment.  Both places I avoided at all costs.  We’d been in this coffee shop together, for a just a minute or two, but I’d convinced myself it was dumb to lose out on such a great study site just because once he and I breathed the same air there.

   I was now regretting that decision.

   He started walking to me and my brain shut down.  It was just Hayes, slowly coming toward me, but he might as well have been wielding an axe for the fear it caused. He could do less damage with an axe in the long run.

   “McKenzie,” he said as he came to stop in front of me.  His voice washed over me and I nearly shivered.  It was strange the way his voice traveled along my spine and the unfamiliar feeling, the unfamiliar sound of him, simply could have knocked me over.  He smiled a friendly but uncomfortable smile and said, “I figured I would run into you sooner or later.”

   My eyebrows drew in as confusion took over.  My mouth gaped, but I wasn’t able to form words yet.

   “How’ve you been?” he asked, seeming to be genuinely curious.

  
How’ve I been?
  I had no response.  I was still trying to figure out which dimension I’d transported into.  He took another step toward me and I managed to close my mouth, my eyes still locked on his.

   “I know this is out of the blue, and I’m really sorry about that, but can we sit?  Have coffee?  Catch up?”

   He wanted to have coffee and chat?  I could not have been more confused, but I mumbled, “Sure.”  I continued to my corner, convinced I was dreaming, but watched as Hayes ordered a drink and then brought it over, sitting in the chair across from me.

   He eyed my textbook as he sat, then said nervously, “Statistics, huh?  I avoided that class like the plague.”

   “What are you doing here?”  Ah, finally, my mouth and brain were connected again.

   He leaned forward, elbows to his knees, and clasped his hands together.  “Well, I took a little time off but when I decided to go back to finish my certification and degree, I thought it would be a good idea to add an endorsement.  So, instead of just being a history teacher, I can teach English too.  Sometimes it gives you a better chance at finding a job when you are certified to teach more than one subject.”

   “So, you’re a student again?”

   “Classes start next week,” he said with a nervous smile.  He looked the same, but different.  Older, maybe, but still just like Hayes.  His hair was the shortest I’d ever seen it, and he looked as though he hadn’t shaved in a week or two.  I’d always loved his long, silky hair, the way it slid between my fingers, but the short hair only made his strong jaw stand out.  He was the same Hayes—still stupidly hot.

   “How’s your mom?”  I sort of already knew how his mother was.  My mom was still best friends with Mrs. Wallace, but my mom was good about never talking about Hayes.  I got important updates on his mom, which I was thankful for, but my mom understood that I needed him to be whitewashed from my life if I was going to survive.

   “Good,” he said, nodding.  “Thanks for asking.”

   “I hear she really likes Montana.”

   “Turns out my mom’s a cowgirl at heart,” he said with a laugh that almost sounded painful, then he ran his hands over his face, pushing out a breath.  Suddenly his eyes found mine and there was a sad urgency there, and a little bit of exhaustion if I read him correctly.  “This conversation is bullshit.”  He scooted forward on his chair.  There was still a table between us, but even the few inches that evaporated between us had my heart rate spiking.  I could, in no way, deal with proximity in that moment.  “Listen, I came back and I knew you went to school here.  And I knew I’d run into you.  I didn’t think it’d be the very first day, but fuck if that isn’t my luck.”

   “You didn’t want to see me?”  The question popped out of my mouth before I had time to even think the words.  But the hurt was evident in my voice.  For three years I’d been aching to see him.  Even just a glimpse.  A photo on Facebook, a look at him passing by as my mom Skyped with Mrs. Wallace, even just a photo on my cell phone when he called me.  Not that he ever had.  Even if I had pathetically refused to change my phone number just in case.  I’d wanted to see him so badly, and it tore me open to think he hadn’t wanted to see me.