Into the Fire (22 page)

I remember that conversation. It all seemed to make sense after the stories Mom and Dad had told me. I never questioned what we are. It’s more like I finally understood why I felt different from my friends. “I asked for the stuffed Phoenix?”

Mom nods and smiles. “You drove your father crazy because you wouldn’t talk about anything else. So he finally tracked one down.” Mom pets the stuffed bird’s head. “You named him Phil, after your dad.”

“I wish he were here.”

“I do, too.” Mom’s bottom lip quivers. “He was such a good man. Jeremy is a lot like him.”

It’s not fair that Jeremy is growing up without a father. As much as I miss Dad, Jeremy needs him more.

Mom kisses my forehead and backs out of the room, watching me like she thinks I’m going to break. Too late for that. I broke the moment I walked away from Logan. As shallow and girly as it sounds, losing him is what’s hitting me the hardest. I’m tired of losing people. I’m sure Logan is, too. We’ve both lost a parent, and now we’ve both lost each other. I don’t know how the imprint will be affected by our breakup. Will my heart literally break from the hurt? Will I show up places I think he’ll be just to catch a glimpse of him? As if that would be enough to get over not being able to touch him, talk to him, kiss him.

My tears dot the comforter and sizzle, sending little wafts of smoke into the air. If I’m not careful, I’ll ignite my bed. I need to turn off my mind and heart, and protect them both from the agony they’re in.

My phone rings on the nightstand. Logan. Every ring sends my body convulsing with pain. He’s still trying to find out why I really ended it. His imprint doesn’t seem to be fading. Not after one week, at least. How long will it take? I pick up my phone and delete the voicemail without listening to it. It kills me to do it, but hearing his voice will send me running straight into his arms. I have to be strong, for Logan’s sake. He has a shot at a happy life. I can’t take that from him. He needs to move on.

I stare at his picture ID again. I can almost feel his lips on mine. The memory is ingrained in me. I press the button to delete the contact. I have to get rid of his number and remove the temptation. The green box pops up to confirm the deletion, but I can’t do it. I swallow the giant lump in my throat and cancel the action. Thanks to Mom making sure I didn’t sneak Logan into my memory book, this picture is all I have left of him, and I won’t give it up. I place my phone next to my head on the pillow and fall asleep staring at Logan’s face.

The dream hits me around dawn. Maybe it’s the sunlight peeking into my room that triggers it, but I see the orange flames covering my body. Instead of trying to wake up and send the dream away, I take in every detail. I can’t see very far past the flames. There’s an outline of a figure. Logan? While the heat is intense, it isn’t hurting me. Rebirth isn’t a painful experience. Now that I stopped fearing the fire, it feels comforting, like this is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. This is why I gravitate toward the sun and fireplaces and hot showers. The heat feels incredible. Death for a Phoenix isn’t painful, but maybe that’s because this isn’t really death. It’s rebirth. A new beginning. Maybe I’ll get a second chance to find the happiness I lost in this life.

As I stand there watching the flames dance across my skin, Logan’s face comes into focus. “Cara, don’t leave me.” My heart aches, ruining the peacefulness of the rebirth. Tears spill down my checks and burn up before they can fall to the ground. “Don’t forget.”

Don’t forget what? Him? Does he know what I am? I wake from the dream with a start, only this time it isn’t for fear of dying. It’s because Logan was still in the dream, even after I broke things off with him. If the dream really is a premonition, then that means this isn’t the end of Logan and me. He’s going to be with me when I go through the rebirth. He’s going to watch me die and come back to life. He’s going to experience the pain of me forgetting him, forgetting us.

Logan

After the fifteenth time I get kicked straight to Cara’s voicemail, I throw the phone on my bed. I want to smash it against the wall, but then I’d have to get a new one, and what if Cara actually does break down and calls me back? I’ll miss it, and it will give her time to think that maybe she really is better off without me.

I hate this. She didn’t even give me a reason. Of course, neither did her mom or Jeremy. Why are they all turning on me when I haven’t done anything wrong? Is this what I get for trying to open up and let someone in? I stare at the ceiling. “Is this what I get?” I scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t know who I’m talking to. God? Mom? I’m not sure what happens to people after they die. I’ve never died and found out. Not yet. Though I’ve come close twice since I moved to Ashlan Falls.

I have some serious aggression to get out. I grab my running sneakers and throw on workout clothes. I want to run right over to Cara’s house, march in there, and demand that she speak to me. I deserve an explanation, but going off like that won’t get me anywhere with a girl like her, and it certainly won’t earn me any points with her mom. Maybe Jeremy is the way to go. I might be able to reason with him, make him see how much I care about Cara.

I run out the door, leaving my jacket at home for the first time since Mom died. Having the jacket was like having her watching over me. I had it when I hit my head at the falls, and I had it during the car accident. Cara didn’t think I was going to walk away from either of those accidents, but I did. Stupidly, I attributed it to Mom and the jacket. But where is she now? Where is she to protect my heart, the one part of me I never thought would break?

I increase my pace, making every step hurt, but the pain is good. Physical pain I can deal with. I know how to make it stop. Heartache is a different story. It’s worse than anything, and there’s no cure. No, that isn’t true. Cara’s the cure. She has the power to heal me, only she isn’t willing.

I have to get to Jeremy and fast, before I turn into a damaged pussy and give up on girls altogether. Before I turn into Dad, working day and night to avoid having to think about anything else, to avoid having to be human.

Cara mentioned that Jeremy’s room is in the basement. There’s a light on down there, so he has to be home. Cara’s probably at the falls. That’s good. I can’t run into her. If I do, I won’t be able to keep away and I’ll blow my plan completely.

It’s Sunday, an entire week after Cara walked out on me. That means Mrs. Tillman is home. I don’t want to get too close to the house in case she sees me through one of the windows, so I hide behind a bush next to the driveway and toss pebbles at the basement window. A few minutes and about twenty pebbles later, Jeremy opens the window and sticks his head out.

I have no reason to believe he’ll willingly talk to me, but desperate times and all that. “Jeremy!” My voice is a loud whisper.

He turns and squints in my direction. I’m too well covered by the bush, so I step more into view. “I need to talk to you. Please. Five minutes. That’s all I’m asking for.”

He sighs and shuts the window again. What does that mean? Does he think I’m pathetic for showing up here? I already know I am. Or is he thinking about talking to me? I wait, hoping for the latter.

The front door opens and Jeremy steps out. “You don’t have to hide. Mom and Cara are both at the falls.”

That has to mean they made up. But why wouldn’t they? Mrs. Tillman got what she wanted. I’m out of Cara’s life.

“I don’t have all day, Logan. What do you want?”

“I want Cara back.”

Jeremy shakes his head. “Look, I get that you care about her, but you and Cara aren’t right for each other. I can’t explain it. You’re just going to have to take my word for it.”

“I can’t. This isn’t some stupid crush, and it’s not about getting in her pants, either.”

“I know.”

“If you know, why are you keeping me away from her?” I’m trying to keep my cool, but he’s making it seriously hard to do.

“She ended it with you. It’s what she wants.”

“Then why was she crying when she did it? Why did she have to run away from me the second the words left her mouth?” I step closer to him to show I’m not backing down. “She didn’t want to end it, and she knew if she stuck around for one second longer, she’d take it all back.”

“Then why hasn’t she answered your calls?”

“My guess is you and your mom have something to do with that. Why else would your mom go with her to the falls? Cara was so pissed at her, and now they’re swimming together?”

“They made up. I thought that was what you wanted. At the party, I heard you tell Cara how you thought family was important. You should be happy for her.”

“If I thought she was actually happy, I would be.”

“I don’t know what else to tell you other than let her go.” He starts back toward the house and I grab his arm. He looks down at my hand. “You may be older than me, but I can still kick your ass.”

I’m not afraid of him, but I let go anyway. If he told Cara I picked a fight with him, I’d have no shot at getting her back. “Tell me one thing before I go. What was it that changed her mind about me? If that’s what you’re saying happened.”

His expression softens, like he feels sorry for me. I hate that look. “You wouldn’t understand, man. Cara’s not who you think she is. So do yourself a favor and forget her, because she
will
forget you.”

I can’t even form words. I just let Jeremy walk back into the house. It’s over. Really over. Cara doesn’t want to be with me for some reason I’m never going to know. Maybe Jeremy’s right. Maybe Cara isn’t who I thought she was. Maybe I’m really not cut out for small-town life.

I pull out my phone and dial Anton. He doesn’t pick up until the fourth ring.

“What’s up, man? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

More like some
one
. “What’s her name? Or did you not bother to ask?”

“At least I’m not turning into a lovesick fool like someone else I know.”

There’s no “turning into.” I’m already there. “Is your invitation still open?”

“You want come stay here until school starts?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell my dad tonight and catch the bus to the city in the morning. Sound good?”

“She really won’t take you back, huh?”

“Didn’t you say you were in the middle of something?” I don’t want to talk about Cara. I have to let her go. According to Jeremy, she’s already moving on.

“It can wait.”

“Nice. Now you’re calling the girl you’re hooking up with ‘it’?”

“She doesn’t speak a word of English. She’s an exchange student from… I don’t know, some country.”

“Real nice, Anton.” I roll my eyes as I walk by the café. Monique has a sign out front, saying there will be a memorial service for Henry Baker tomorrow. Cara will be at the funeral. Anton is blabbing away, something about the girl’s chest. “Hey, listen.” I wait for him to realize I’m even talking. He’s gets so wrapped up in describing the girls he dates, I can barely get a word in.

“What? I was just getting to the good part.”

“I can’t come tomorrow. I have to go to a funeral. I’ll catch the bus the next day. Cool with you?”

“I guess. Should I alert the female population that you’ll be returning?”

“No.” It won’t take my mind off of Cara, and I don’t want to go back to being that guy. “This sucks, man. I’m going to see Cara there tomorrow.”

“So don’t go. You don’t really know these people anyway. What’s the big deal?”

“He was…” Anton wouldn’t understand that Henry reminded me of my grandfather, Mom’s dad. “I have to go. See you in two days.” I hang up before he can say goodbye.

I’m standing on the sidewalk in front of the café, staring at the sign in the window. I didn’t even realize I stopped walking. Man, I’m screwed up.

“Logan.” Monique waves me over and motions to an empty table. I’m almost afraid to sit down, but I haven’t exactly had much human interaction this past week, so I give in and take a seat. “Hungry?”

I’m not even sure what meal it is. “I guess.”

She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry things worked out this way.”

I nod because I can’t talk. This is a mistake. I shouldn’t be here.

“She hasn’t left the house either.”

“She’s at the falls right now with her mom. Jeremy told me.”

She squeezes my shoulder. “I know you don’t understand, and I know Cara got to you in a way you probably aren’t used to, but this is what’s best for her. If you really care about her the way I think you do, then you have to let her go.”

“I started chewing cinnamon gum.”

Her eyes narrow. “What?”

“Cara always smells like cinnamon. It’s the gum she chews and the potpourri her mom keeps in the house. I love it.”

Monique pulls her hand back. “I’ll get you something to eat.” She takes off like it’s a race, probably because I sound as crazy as I feel.

I stare at the traffic going down the street, hoping I’ll spot Cara’s car. I don’t, but Nick pulls up to the café. “Hey, man.”

He still looks awful, but he gives me a small nod and mumbles, “Hey.”

“You going tomorrow?” I can’t imagine how he must be feeling, but at least the funeral will give him some closure.

“Yeah. I can’t believe it took them so long to bury him.” He stops at my table, like he’s debating whether he should sit with me.

“I heard he was cremated, so there wasn’t a rush.”

He steps back like he’s dodging a punch. “Who told you that?”

“My housekeeper. You all right?”

“I’m fine. I have to go.” He turns and gets back in his car, peeling out of the parking spot.

Monique comes out holding the biggest BLT I’ve ever seen. “Was that Nick?”

“Yeah. He’s really messed up over Henry.”

“Poor boy. He’s been holed up in his room since it happened. Well, other than going to the station to fill out reports and throwing that party.”

“You know about that?” I eye her as I take a bite of my BLT.

“The whole town knows about it.”

I guess it makes sense. The fire exploding was definitely newsworthy. “Maybe he’ll get better after tomorrow.”