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I decided to head out to the bookstore and grabbed my phone and keys. When I glanced at my phone I saw a text I had missed from Logan. It was vague.

Do you think there is really a Heaven?

I wondered at the odd question.

Don’t know. I hope so. Why?

He never responded and I pushed it aside. I spent my afternoon at the bookstore then decided to go clothes shopping. The weather was getting warmer and I needed a few new things for spring. I also needed a way to kill time.

I heard my phone chime again when I got home. It was another vague text from Logan.

I have to wonder if there is a purpose to all of this.

All of this what?

Living, dying, hurting?

I called him this time. He answered on the first ring. “What’s with all the weird questions?”

“Just trying to figure out the meaning of life Eggy- if there is one.” He sounded wasted.

“Drinking isn’t going to solve anything.”

“You’re right. I feel just as miserable and confused as when I’m sober.”

“Is this how you have been spending Spring Break so far?” I couldn’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.

“Maybe. I gotta go Eggy. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hung up, not giving me a chance to say anything else. I kept my phone in my hand, fighting the temptation to call Jake just to hear his voice, but I didn’t have to fight for long. My phone rang, making me jump. It was Mark.

“Betsy has the flu. Can you fill in? I’m swamped!” He sounded desperate.

“Of course. I’ll be right there.”

I threw on my apron and hopped in my car, thankful for the distraction. He wasn’t kidding about being swamped. The coffee shop was full. I shot Mark a questioning look as soon as I saw him.

“Scrap booking convention at the hotel next door,” he answered, not missing a beat. I got behind the counter and started cranking out drinks as fast as he could call them out. When our rush finally ended we both leaned against the counter. “Who am I going to call in a panic when you leave?” I smiled at him, feeling a little sad at the thought of going. “Think your parents would let us adopt you?” He laughed and swatted me with a towel.

“I wish,” I said with a roll of my eyes. We both took a look around at all of the full tables and couches. There were women scattered all over the shop comparing card stock and stickers.

“So have you broken down and called him?”

I shook my head no. “It’s been tempting. It’s easier this way.”

“From the look on your face I’d say not much easier.”

He was right. I picked my phone up, ready to give into temptation once again, but there was another missed text from Logan.

None of this is worth it.

Worth what?

He didn’t answer. Something about the text gave me chills. I wanted to go check on him, but I looked around the shop and the huge mess the crowd had created. I couldn’t really leave Mark to clean this alone. I figured I was reading too much into his text anyway, and got to work cleaning up.

As soon as we were done and locking up I called Logan. I sat in my car and waited for him to pick up.

“I’m so stupid, Eggy,” was how he greeted me. I knew right away that he had been drinking again.

“Stop this. You have a serious problem and I think you need help.”

“Ha,” he laughed bitterly. “You sound like my mom.”

“Well, she’s right. I care about you, Logan. You need to take care of yourself.”

“You care about me? Even though I was a complete dick to you for years?” His voice had turned angry, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me.

I took a deep breath before I spoke. “Logan, you are my childhood. Of course I care about you.”

“I lost him, and I was so...angry. I thought you would go away too. I thought it would hurt less if I didn’t know you anymore.”

“No one tells you how to grieve. We all did the best we could.” The truth was that I pulled away from the world for the same reason. Caring about people meant that you’d get hurt. It was easier to be alone. This is a weird conversation to have on the phone. Can I pick you up?”

He didn’t answer right away. “Yeah. I’ll be out front.”

He got in as soon as I pulled up, but we didn’t go anywhere. I watched him as he stared out of the window at the dark sky. “Everything is going to change and I can’t control it,” he said, sounding exhausted.

“That’s life, Logan. Things change and we need to evolve too.”

“I guess so. I don’t want to die with regret, or the ‘what if’s.”

“Well, tomorrow is never a guarantee. We both know that all to well, but I don’t think you’re going anywhere anytime soon.”

I could see a grin pull up the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t a friendly grin. It was a bitter one. “I love you, Eggy.” He didn’t look at me when he said it and before I could respond he stopped me. “Don’t! Just let me talk. I love you. I’m stupid for pushing that feeling down and hiding it, but it always crept back up. My heart stops a little every time I see you. It should have been me spending these last few weeks with you, and not Jake. I blew it.”

I blinked back tears as I waited for him to go on, but he didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t know what to say either. “Why are you telling me this now?”

He finally looked at me. “No regrets, remember?”

I swallowed hard, fighting the lump in my throat. I was careful with what I said next. “I think we have both been exactly what we needed to be to each other.”

“Strangers?” He sounded frustrated.

“That’s not what I meant. If I hadn’t known you were out there, I don’t know if I could have survived when Noah died. We didn’t talk, but you were like my beacon. If I saw you I’d always remember something good.”

The space between his eyebrows creased and before I could react, he kissed me. It was forced and awkward, and I was pushing him away as soon as it started. He leaned back against the seat and groaned in frustration.

“So you don’t feel the same way.”

“Logan, I love you so much, but not like that. I’m sorry. My heart is still breaking over someone else, and life is so complicated right now.” I saw him wipe his eyes and immediately felt terrible. “Please try to understand,” I pleaded.

He regained a little composure before he spoke again. “I do, and I’m sorry I unloaded on you. My parents won’t let me drive right now due to my ‘reckless behavior’,” he said with air quotes. “Do you think we could hang out tomorrow? I need to get out of here.”

“Yeah, I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

He got out of my car and gave me a sad wave goodbye as he walked back to his front door.

22

The next day I mentally debated whether or not hanging out with him was a good idea. I procrastinated as I got ready, but seeing my parents at the kitchen table made getting out of the house seem like a good plan. Even though I picked up my phone to text Logan, the urge to call Jake was almost unstoppable, but I didn’t. I sent my text and drove to Jake’s. He was waiting outside for me when I got there.

“Where to, Sir?” I asked, hoping to keep the mood light. The look on his face was anything but.

“Would you mind if we went to the ravine?” I didn’t answer. I just drove. He didn’t get out right away once we got there. Instead he rubbed his hands on his jeans and tried to steady his breathing, which was shallow.

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t answer. He just got out of the car and looked down at the stream that was no longer trapped with ice. Spring had turned everything green and it was beautiful.

“Can I use your phone?” he asked without looking at me.

“Sure,” I said as I handed it to him, but he did something that caught me completely off guard. He tossed my phone into the stream. “What the hell did you do that for? I can’t afford another one!” I screamed, but he didn’t even flinch. My phone had already floated away.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I didn’t want to be alone for this.” His tone gave me chills.

“For what? Why did you do that?”

With his hands deep in his pockets he turned in my direction, not even slightly phased by the astonished look on my face.

“I’m sorry, Eggy,” was all he said before he picked up the rock and hit me.

The world spun a little before I hit the ground. The pain in the back of my head was dull and I fought to keep my eyes open. I felt him reach into my pocket as he took my car keys out, then he tossed those too. I wanted to scream, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. The edges of my vision went black and I couldn’t keep my eyes in focus, but I fought. Logan was sitting next to me with something shiny, and silver in his hands. I watched as he slid the object across his wrists. I tried to sit up, but that’s when the blackness took over, and I felt nothing.

I slowly started to come to, opening my eyes little by little. The pain in my head was intense and reminded me immediately of what happened before I passed out. I sat up in a flash and found Logan next to me in a puddle of blood. I shook him, but he didn’t respond. I had no idea of how much time had passed or how long I had been out. I checked him for a pulse, and found a faint one. “Oh thank God,” I said out loud then I remembered he had tossed my car keys. “Dammit!” I screamed in frustration.

I wobbled to my feet and looked over at where he had thrown them, and a tiny flash of silver caught my eye. They were stuck to a vine near the bottom of the ravine. I looked around for a spot that wasn’t so steep and made my way down, still feeling a little dizzy. There was very little solid ground between the water and the vine. I edged my way around, trying not to fall in the water and reached for my keys. I snatched them and stuffed them deep into my pockets. The climb back up would be harder than the climb down. I grabbed onto anything solid and made my way back up. I tried not to hurry, even though I knew Logan probably didn’t have much time. But haste could make me take a misstep and I’d be back at the bottom of the ravine.

After what seemed like an eternity, I made it to the top and ran back to Logan. I opened my back seat and wedged myself behind him-wrapping my arms under his armpits. I pulled with every ounce of strength I had and finally managed to get him into the back seat.

My blood stained hands shook as I tried to get the keys in the ignition, and once they were in I sped to the Emergency Room. I walked in through the automatic doors and looked around. “I need help!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

After that, everything seemed to happen all at once. E.R. staff called out codes as an excited nurse tried to calmly ask me what happened. “My car. He’s in my car,” I sobbed as I pointed to where it was parked. E.R. staff with a gurney whizzed past me and I could see them pulling Logan out.

“Are you injured,” the same nurse asked.

I nodded no, then yes as I reached for the back of my head. They wheeled Logan past me, screaming more codes and that’s when my knees almost gave out. The nurse was quick and guided me to a chair before I could fall. “Is he going to be ok?” I asked with a shaking voice.

“The doctors will do everything they can. Let’s have someone take a look at you, ok?” I nodded, not feeling like I had much control over my shaking body. She helped me into a triage area and onto a bed. I could hear her explain what little she knew to the doctor who was examining me. Their voices sounded like buzzing and made my head hurt.

“I’m Dr. Davis. Can you tell me what happened to you and your friend?” he asked as he shined a light in my eyes, making me turn away.

“He tossed my phone into the ravine, and then he hit me,” I answered, not making much sense to them.

“She has a pretty good knot on her head, but I don’t see any lacerations. My guess is this is his blood.”

I looked down at my shirt and hands, remembering that I was covered in blood. I looked like something out of a horror film.

“Someone is probably worried about you? Who should I call?” the nurse asked, but before I could answer, everything went black again.

23

I was in a different room when I came to. Not much else had changed. I was still a shaking mess and as soon as I remembered what happened I screamed. The same nurse was at my side in seconds. Then two more figures walked into the room, and even though it had been years, I recognized them right away. Logan’s mom was beside me, pulling me into an embrace that only a mom could give.

She smoothed my hair as I sobbed. “You saved my boy,” she whispered and I pulled back a little. She had said “saved”.

“He’s ok?” I asked in a cracked voice.

“He’s far from ok, but he’s alive.” She held my face in her hands then hugged me again. “Now you need to tell these nice people what happened, ok?”

I recounted my story, taking breaks to make sure I hadn’t imagined the entire ordeal. Logan’s mom would squeeze my hand for encouragement when it was hard to go on. His dad stood in the corner of the room and rubbed his exhausted face. As I retold the story, I realized that it all happened so fast, but it felt like it was days ago.

“Megan, we need to get you home,” Logan’s mom said. Hearing her voice made my heart swell, and I realized how much I had missed her and his dad.