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I had my earbuds on one day as I read a book during lunch hour. The weather was warming up, so I was back to my quiet little spot outside. I saw the grass get dark with someone’s shadow. I was surprised to see who it was when I looked up.

“Hey, Meg,”

“Hey, Lance. What’s up?” I pulled my earbuds out.

“I’m worried about Jake. He’s not himself. He told me what happened. I get why you did what you did, but he’s a train wreck.”

“I’m sorry. I wish things were different. He’ll move on. I see the way girls gawk at him around here.”

“Yeah, well he’s not into those girls. He’s into you. Seriously, I have never seen him so down.”

“Lance, that kills me to hear, but I hope this will be for the best.” I grabbed my things and stood, hoping it would end the conversation.

“He’s willing to let it hurt. I think you know that. Are you really just protecting yourself?”

Those words hurt me and I needed to walk away, and fast- but my feet were glued in place. “I miss him so much.” I whispered.

“What’s your next class?”

“Study period, why?”

“You can skip it. Come on.” He started walking away and I followed him with no idea of what we were doing. “He needs to see you,” he said as we got into his car, and the truth was that I needed to see him. Betsy’s words were ringing in my head. Maybe I did need to let him decide if this was worth it. Maybe things could work out. The selfish part of me didn’t even care. The selfish part of me wanted to spend as much time in his arms as possible.

I started to feel a little nervous when we got to his house. Lance ran up the steps to his front door and I followed behind cautiously. The front door was open with the screen door closed. I could see him on his couch, playing a video game. He looked terrible.

Lance knocked on the screen door. “Open it up!”

“Go home. I’m not in the mood today.”

I noticed how his voice didn’t sound right. His words were slurred.

“You need to let me in. You don’t need to hide in your house and get tanked all day. Open it up!”

He didn’t bother to look in our direction and I was suddenly unable to speak. Had I really done this to him?

“Go home!” he yelled again, but Lance looked back at me and shook his head.

“Not a chance. Someone’s here to see you.”

“You can tell them to go the hell home too. Actually, you can just  tell them to go to hell. People suck- especially the kind of people that break your heart and throw in the towel. Wanna know why? Cause you’re just trash they can live without. Don’t trust anyone. They’ll just crush you.”

My heart fell apart after he said it.

“Dude, shut up,” Lance suggested through gritted teeth. I wiped the tears that started to fall.

“It’s ok. We’re not ready for this,” I tried to say quietly. I headed down the steps. All I wanted was to be as far from his door as possible. I wanted to destroy what I had just seen and heard. I heard the screen door bust open behind me.

“Meg, Wait!” Jake yelled. I didn’t stop walking. “Meg, please!” The ache in his voice was too much. I knew I had set us back a million steps.

I balled my shaking hands into fists and dug them deep into my coat pockets. “You were never, ever trash to me.” I said- not knowing if he could hear me. Then I made my feet move, even though my knees wanted to give out.

“Please, Meg. Look at me.” That would have been my undoing so I kept going, even though every part of me wanted to turn and run to him. “Fine! Screw you! Just keep walking. You’re great at walking away!” he yelled at me. I flinched at his words, but I didn’t look back.

He wasn’t at school the next day. Lance found me as I walked in. He offered a million apologies and I told him he did the right thing. He was just trying to help his best friend.

“He’s the responsible one,” he explained. “I’m the jack ass that gets in trouble all the time. Jake is always the levelheaded one. I have never seen him like this.”

“Lance, the weight of guilt is pretty unbearable. He’s not the only one hurting,” I reminded him.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Not very thoughtful of me.”

“He’s lucky he has you. You’re a good friend. I have to get to class.”

“Yeah, me too. Catch ya later,” he said as he walked away.

I had another day of not learning much. Trying not to think about Jake was only making it worse. Betsy and Mark didn’t ask at work. They could see it still hurt too much to talk about. He didn’t show up at school for the rest of the week, and it was almost impossible to ignore the worry that was going on in my mind.

On Sunday, I picked my phone up to text him at least ten times. But I couldn’t build up the nerve. I did the only other thing I could. I sent a text to Lance to make sure Jake was ok. He assured me that Jake was fine, but the same, and that was enough for me. The next day at school, I almost walked into him.

20

He stood at the entrance with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. His eyes were covered with black Wayfarers and his hair was hanging in his face. He spoke before I could get away. “Let me talk to you.” It was a quiet yet angry demand. I swallowed hard, feeling the lump in my throat start to form. “Please.” His voice cracked when he said it.

I looked around for a spot that wasn’t crowded. We both went over to a corner next to the stairs.

“Why did you come to my house the other day?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, it kinda does,” he shot back with sarcasm in his voice.

“I came because I was worried about you,” I whispered.

“Why else?”

“What do you mean? Isn’t that enough of a reason?”

“Why else?” His jaw was tight as he asked again.

“Don’t do this.”

“Because you’re miserable? Because you feel terrible like I do? Is it really worth it?”

“Please,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I was a jerk and you saw me like that. I was at my lowest, and I’m not proud of it, but please tell me if you came over because you miss me as much as I miss you.” The harshness in his tone was replaced with an ache. I made myself meet his eyes.

“I did, and I do, but I also realized it was a mistake.” I tried to keep my voice steady.

“So this is still what you want? For us to be apart and pretend we don’t mean anything to each other?”

“I couldn’t pretend that if I tried.” He did something that shocked me after that. He walked away without a word. I was left standing there, confused at how our conversation ended. When I looked over to where some other students were standing, I spotted Logan. He looked around then walked over to me.

“What the hell was that all about? Are you ok?” He asked.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“His face was intense. Did you guys have a fight?”

“No, we broke up...a while ago.”

“I’m sorry. Do you need to talk?” I shook my head no. I didn’t want to explain this to anyone. “I’ll walk you to class.”

For whatever reason, I let him. I wasn’t sure I’d make it that far if I tried on my own.

When I walked into English class later that day, Jake was already seated. His sunglasses were off and I could see the dark rings under his eyes. They matched the ones under my own eyes. He didn’t look up at me as I walked past him and to the back. I tried not to stare at the back of his head the whole time, but it was impossible.

As soon as the bell rang, I raced out of the door. I needed to be as far from him as possible. Now that I could see how much it hurt for us to be apart, I knew I had done the right thing. We’d only get closer and it would only hurt more if we went on.

I found my spot at lunch but I wasn’t alone for long. Logan sat beside me and didn’t waste any time asking questions.

“What happened with you and Jake?”

I sighed and leaned against the tree behind me. “I’m leaving at the end of the school year. My parents want to put the past behind us and start over. Ironic, huh?” When I looked at him for his answer, I got something else instead. His face had changed and I could tell his mind was far away.

“You can’t leave,” he whispered.

“I don’t have much of a choice.”

“I have to get to class,” he stammered as he got up. I watched him with confusion, but I didn’t stop him. I spent the rest of my lunch hour alone, and as much as I had been alone in the past, I realized I didn’t like it.

After a few weeks, I was able to get some of my focus back. We were approaching spring break and I had a lot of extra work to do if I wanted to pull my grades back up to where they needed to be. Jake was at school more often, but he didn’t give me the time of day. He wouldn’t look in my direction, so I avoided looking at him at all.

Logan was almost the same. He hadn’t spoken to me since that day at lunch, and I noticed he wasn’t with Blaine much either. I had asked Mark and Betsy if I could cut back on my work hours to focus on school, and they had agreed. I locked myself in my bedroom when I got home and studied as much as I could. I couldn’t get used to the idea of my parents acting like parents, so I was happy to hide away in my room and avoid them when possible.

Nothing about not being with Jake had gotten easier. I walked around with the guilt of hurting him heavy on my shoulders. I was ready for a break from the awkward days. It was finally the day before Spring Break, and I would get my much needed break. The only downside would be spending more time at home. At the end of the day I headed to my locker to get everything I would need for the week. I pulled my folders out and a folded piece of paper drifted out and fell to the ground. I knew the handwriting as soon as I opened it.

You’re still the in my heart, no matter what it looks like from the outside.

I understand what you’re doing, and why you need to do it.

I’m not angry. Please know I love you, no matter what.

I started crying right there in the hall, and thankfully it was pretty empty. It hurt so much to be without him, but I was so glad to know he wasn’t mad or bitter. A tiny bit of a burden had been lifted, and I felt like I could breathe just a fraction easier. I stuffed the note in my bag and wiped my eyes with my hands. I looked around the hall to see if he was near, but I was alone.

I avoided my parents and spent two hours in my room studying. The sound of a text message was a welcome distraction. It was Logan.

Please come out. So bored.

Studying. Sorry!

Study tomorrow. Coffee tonight.

I sighed before I typed in my response.

Fine. Just for an hour.

Twenty minutes later I was meeting him in the parking lot of the coffee shop. Mark and Betsy both looked surprised when we walked in together, and I hoped that they hadn’t jumped to any conclusions.

“Don’t worry. This isn’t a rebound thing,” I said under my breath.

“I didn’t think it was,” Betsy replied with a raised eyebrow, clearly annoyed at my accusation. “Go talk to your friend. Mark and I don’t assume, nor judge.”

I smiled sheepishly and took my drink. “Thank you.”

Logan was leaning against the couch cushion and looked exhausted. He didn’t waste any time when I sat down.

“My parents hate me,” he groaned.

“I doubt that. What’s going on?”

“Well,” he said, sitting up a little. “I tried to talk them about school.”

“Oh wow. How did that go?”

“Not well. If it’s not the military, then I am on my own. School is expensive.” He sounded defeated.

“That’s not all bad news. There are tons of grants and loans. Even some scholarships you can apply for.” I tried to sound encouraging.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He gave me a halfhearted smile. “In other news, Blaine and I are done. Like done, done.”

“Why? What happened?”

“My drama is too much for her. She likes perfection.”

“Her loss.”

“Damn,” he almost whispered as he stared at me.

“What?”

“I really wish I could go back and reclaim all those years we lost. I feel like I missed out on a lot.” He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I knew it was a gesture of friendship and nothing more, so I squeezed back.

“We have right now.” When he smiled I could see the same spark the little kid version of Logan had in his eye.

“You can’t leave, Eggy.” His eyes went dark again.

“I don’t have much of a choice.” I shrugged my shoulders to punctuate how I felt.

“Well, it sucks.” He flopped back against the cushions and groaned.

“I have to get home,” I said as I stood up. “Will you be ok?”

“Will you?” he countered. I nodded yes and made my way out. I hoped we’d both be ok, but I wasn’t sure.

21

Spring break had been too quiet. Mark and Betsy had given me the week off in hopes that I would do something fun, but my days were pretty much spent alone. By Tuesday I had cabin fever. I picked up my phone and almost dialed Jake’s number at least a hundred times, but would always end up chickening out. I longed to hear his voice, but that would be more bad than good for me.