Irreparable (Wounded Souls) (15 page)

I read the first one and I kneel down on my leg that still has the knee attached and the tears start to fall.

Matthew Jackson

Beloved Son, Husband, & Father

2.22.90 – 5.10.12

I put my head on the ground beside Jackson’s grave and the sobs overcome me. I know I must look like the biggest damn pussy ever but I can’t help it.  I cry for the man who will never get to hear his son say daddy, the man who won’t ever get to hug his wife again or hear her say she loves him.  I cry for the friend I will never get to make fun of his damn Alabama accent and I cry because I couldn’t save him.  My body is shaking with the pain and the tears I am letting out, and I don’t even realize Johnson is sitting beside me comforting me as I let it all out. 

I thought I let it out before today, but I never really let it go. I realize that now, and as I cry, I realize that everyone is right.  Jackson, Black, Miller, and Andrews wouldn’t want me to feel this way.  They would want me to live my life, live for them.  I still feel guilt for not seeing what was happening before, but I know I didn’t plant the bomb that detonated and took my comrades from me.  I look around me and notice the sun is starting to set. I look up, my eyes swollen from the grief and guilt I finally shed and catch Blake looking at me.

“What happened here today stays here, between brothers.” He smiles a sad smile at me and pats my back.  “But, we’ve been here almost two hours and it’s getting late, so we need to go ahead and finish saying our goodbyes and head back to the car.”

I stand and look at the graves. I take a deep breath and let it out. “Nothing can prepare you for the loss you feel when you lose people you care about. I know I never told any of you, but I cared for you all.  You were the brothers I never had, the best friends a guy prays for.  I’m sorry.”  I choke up and then keep going. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to save you all. God must have needed you more than I did.  I know you’re all up there partying it up.  Jackson, Matt, well little Matt I guess, man he’s just like you.  He loves that damn Jason Aldean and Luke Bryan. He made me sing with him when I went to meet Isabella. I think you’d like Sam, actually all of you would. Will, man your dad and my mom, what do you think of that? We really could have been brothers at one point.”

I smile and take the quarters out of my pocket and place one on each of the graves. Then I take the four nickels I have been packing with me and place one on each of their graves,  Next, I place the one dime I had and put it on Jackson’s grave.  I wipe the tear that falls once again and I stand. “Goodbye my brothers.” I turn to face Blake and I give him a sad smile.  “I’m ready to face my future now, Johnson.”  He pats my back and smiles. 

“It’s about damn time you opened your eyes man. I couldn’t let you lose Sam; she’s the one that you never want to let get away.”  He smacks my arm and then starts to walk back towards the car.  I trail behind him and look at the graves as we pass.  Walking through the cemetery, I wonder how many men and women died some horrible death, and how many died as old men and women.  I look at the sky and pray to God that I am one that dies an old man with Samantha by my side.

“Let’s go Johnson. I have some time to make up.” I smirk and start to walk past him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A day later and I am sitting on Sam’s porch waiting for her to get home. I see Luke’s car coming and I just stay sitting. He isn’t too happy with me right now either. I can’t blame him though.

“She ain’t in town,” he says and comes to sit beside me. “Jackie, three doors down, called to tell me you were sitting out here waiting for her. She went to see Isabella.”  He sighs and looks at me. “What are you doing here anyway Jameson?” 

“I went to the cemetery. I want my future; I don’t want to live in a past full of pain.”  I sigh and put my arms on my legs and let my head fall. “I want my happily ever after with Sam.”  I look at him and he smiles.

“It’s about damn time you realized she’s the one.  I couldn’t stand Mary-Beth.” He laughs and I just look at him. Even if she wasn’t the nicest person, at one point I loved her. 

“I know you were in love with her J, but I knew my sister was for you.  Remember that time I caught ya’ll kissing in the tree house?” He laughs and I blush.  Sam was always telling me I was a chicken and I leaned over and kissed her and then asked her who the chicken was.  She blushed and Luke made gagging noises.  I was ten and Sam was two months shy of nine. 

“You’re right. I did love Mary-Beth, in the sweet innocent way you first love someone. But the love I have for your sister?” I run my hands through my hair. “That kind of love only happens once in a lifetime. It’s bone deep, it’s earth shattering and it’s real. It’s the kind of love you search for and once you get it, you hold onto it for eternity.  You don’t do something stupid like I did to lose it.”  I smile at Luke. “So, when you find that woman, don’t you dare be an idiot like I was.”  I pat his knee and we both stand up.

“Wanna go grab a beer at Lou’s? Maybe shoot a game of pool?” Luke asks and I nod.

“Yeah, just let me put this on Sam’s door.” I grab the poem I saw on the internet the other day.  That damn Facebook has everything. It showed up in my news feed from a friend liking the woman’s post and it fit Samantha and I perfectly.  I only hoped that she still felt the same. I grab the paper and the note I wrote and slide it under her door.

Sam, I know you’re angry with me, but I did it.
I faced the past.  I can’t lose you too
.
I am sorry I wasn’t as strong as you are, and I admit that I’m not.  I want to be everything you think I am.  I want to be the man you want me to be.  Please Samantha, let me be that man.  I saw this poem and it reminded me of how I feel about you.  The lady that wrote it must have known what I felt for you.

NEED

By: Julie Mishler

I need you

I need to feel your arms around me

Pouring your love into me

Making me whole

Touch me

Let your hands

Peruse my body

Piece by piece

And worship me slowly

Kiss me

Let your tongue run all over me

With your fingertips trailing behind

Passionate and fierce

Primeval lust

Fire burning

Desire overwhelming

I'm ready to combust

I long to be with you

To be as one

To connect on

A higher

Deeper

Intense level

Our minds and bodies

Becoming one

No words need to be spoken

Let our bodies do the talking

I am yours

Completely

No inhibitions

No fears

You and I fit together

Like a puzzle piece

Take me as high as can possibly be

Release all the tensions

You've built up in me

No more teasing

Satisfy me

I need you

To touch me

Kiss me

Fill me full of you

Make me whole

I need you

I crave you

I adore you

I love you!

I leave the note for Sam under her door and turn to face Luke. “Let’s go drink a beer.” I smirk and walk to my car. “You riding with me or meeting me at Lou’s?” I ask and climb into my car. I can’t help but laugh as his big ass jumps into the front seat of my car.

“Just like high school man.” He smiles his toothy grin and I laugh. He always was the funny one.

“So, who are you seeing these days Luke?” I smile and he laughs.  For as long as I can remember, he’s been extremely quiet about his conquests. There was this one girl in high school, her name was Jolie.  She was the one I always thought he’d be with until she moved away. 

“Actually, I am interested in this girl.  Her name is Skylar. She’s got jet black hair and bright blue eyes, and she is beautiful. But she doesn’t really know I exist.” He shrugs and I chuckle.

“Dude, she knows. You light up a room when you come in there. Don’t let her keep acting like she doesn’t know you exist.” I smirk and keep driving to the bar.

When we get to Lou’s, I order a pitcher of beer and grab a pool table.  We carry on and talk when this girl walks into the bar in these short shorts and tank top. You’d think she worked at Hooters with an outfit like that.

“Dude, that’s her.”  Luke looks over my shoulder and I look between him and her.  Talk about the kind of girl you don’t bring home to momma.  I keep telling myself to pick my jaw up off the damn floor but I just can’t do it. “I’ll be right back.” He smiles and I chug a glass of beer just to relax before he brings her over here.

“Skylar, this is my friend Jameson. Jameson, this is Skylar. We have a couple classes together.” He smiles and she blushes.

“It’s nice to meet you Skylar.” I bend over to shoot the six ball into the right corner pocket of the table.

“You too. I just moved here from Georgia about three weeks ago. Luke here has been trying to get my attention since day one.”  She blushes and then looks around the room like she’s worried.

“Well, I hear Georgia is very nice.” I smile and shoot the one into the side pocket of the pool table. I stand and use the chalk cube to prime the stick and lean over to take another shot. I wonder when I will get a phone call from Samantha.

“Hey, I think I am going to call it a night. Skylar can you give Luke a ride back home?”  I smirk knowing I just put this chick on the spot. 

“Um, sure I can.” She looks a little nervous, but I can see she likes Luke, too.  Good, he deserves someone, even if she does look a little, well my momma taught me if I couldn’t say anything nice, not to say anything at all.  So I guess I will listen.

“It was nice to meet you. Luke, text me later.” I pat him on the back and walk out of the bar and go home to wait for a call or a visit from Samantha. I just pray that for once I am not too late. I can’t take losing someone else over my stupidity of not seeing what’s in front of me before it’s too late.

One week. It has been a whole week since I left that letter on Samantha’s door, and she still hasn’t returned my phone calls. I keep waiting. I know she is the one for me and I cannot live without having Sam in my life.   I love her and I need her.  She has made me face my demons and I am actually a lot better off for it. I know that I will never get rid of the guilt of that day, but I feel like now I can be happy.  Maybe even have a family, if the stubborn woman would call me back.

I am sitting behind the glass counter of the music store when I hear a ding over the door.  I look up to see Mary-Beth walking in and I can’t help but roll my eyes.  She looks good in her fitted tank top and yoga pants. She must be heading to the gym.

“Jameson.” She smiles and puts her elbows on the glass.

“Mary-Beth?” I look at her wondering what the hell she’s doing here.

“Look, I umm, I’m moving back to Ohio. I was wondering if you wanted to take Maggie? I know I took her and I probably shouldn’t have, but I didn’t want you to be happy. I wanted you to feel the same way I did. I felt like I was gypped of the happy ending.  You, well you weren’t you when you came home.”  She looks at me with those emerald eyes I used to love, and now I realize she really is the bitch everyone said she was.  She only thinks of herself.

“Yeah, I will take Maggie. I bought her anyway.”  I look away and run my hand over my face.

“I realize now why we didn’t work, I wasn’t meant to be yours.  I thought I was, but I should have known a very long time ago that I would never be what you wanted.  You’ve looked at Samantha the same way you do now for years.  I am moving away and you get to live your happily ever after.”  She looks at me sadly and gives me a half smile. 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right Mary-Beth.  I was meant to be with Samantha, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.  You were my world and then you smashed it.  I was broken and needed you, and what did you do?  You left and broke me even more. Samantha did what she always does. She picked the pieces up and put them back together.” I look her in the eyes. She needs to hear it.

“You’re right Jameson. I just hope we can still be friends after this.” She smiles and I walk around the counter.

“Sure, Mary-Beth. I’m willing to let things go.”  She walks up to me and throws her arms around me in a hug and pulls me close to her. I, out of habit, wrap my arms around her, not thinking anything of it.