Irresistible Forces (20 page)

“You didn't,” she said, looking back at him again. “I was just thinking … about you … and Steve … and how different you are. You're both very important to me, for very different reasons. I love the way you and I work together. I love a lot of things about you.” It wasn't what she had meant to say to him, but it was true. She admired him a great deal, and enjoyed his company, they shared so many of the same views, and through their work and their styles, they had so much in common. In some ways, more than she had with Steve. One of the things she had always enjoyed with Steve was how opposite they were, they seemed to complement each other. But with Cal, it was more of a synchronicity, a similarity they shared, that made it so easy for them to be together. “I'm so comfortable with you.”

“I've never been as comfortable with anyone in my life,” he confessed, sharing her opinion. “It's what marriage should be, and usually isn't. At least mine wasn't.”

“Steve and I have always been best friends. But now I feel that way with you too.” She felt a little disloyal to Steve when she said it.

“Maybe that's not such a bad thing, since we spend so much time together. Most people spend more time with their business partners and secretaries than they do with their spouses.” They both smiled at that, and she helped herself to more popcorn. “Will you come to church with us tonight, Meredith? We go to midnight mass at Saint Mark's.”

“I'd like that.” She had always been a churchgoer, and Steven had never been religious.

They sat and talked for a long time, and at a quarter to twelve he rounded up the children. Andy was half asleep, but he wanted to go anyway. And the five of them drove to Saint Mark's in Cal's car. Andy was asleep in the backseat when they got there. Cal picked him up and carried him in, and set him down gently on the pew next to his sisters, and never woke him. The girls were serious and sang the hymns, and she and Cal shared a prayerbook and a hymnal. It was a lovely service, and she glanced at him once or twice, and he smiled at her. He had a deep melodic voice, and their voices rose in unison as they sang “Silent Night” together. And afterward, they walked back to the car, and it was an odd feeling being with them. It was as though she belonged there, with his little family. It was a strange illusion, and she was quiet when he dropped her off that night. He took her upstairs, and walked her into the apartment, to make sure she was all right, and he said not a word to her, he simply pulled her gently into his arms and kissed her. And without hesitating, she kissed him back, and he held her in his arms for a long moment, and then looked at her, and was startled to see her crying.

“I'm sorry … I don't know what's happening to me, Cal … I feel like my whole world is starting to come apart, I'm part of a whole new life here, and I'm not even sure if I belong here.”

“I shouldn't have done that, Merrie … I'm sorry….” It had just felt so right, to both of them, for an instant. But one kiss could lead them into a world that they both knew they had no right to. “I'm really sorry. … It won't happen again. … I think I kind of lost it for a minute.”

“Me too,” she said softly. There was so much about him that she liked, but she had no right to any of it, and she knew it. “I think the holidays make everyone a little nuts,” she reassured him. “They make everyone think about what they don't have, and think they should. Being with your kids tonight almost made me feel like I want a baby.”

“Maybe you do,” he said gently. But she only shook her head. What she couldn't say to him was that the baby she had suddenly wanted was his, not Steven's. And she didn't understand the feeling. Suddenly everything in her life seemed topsy-turvy. And all she knew was that she had to get back to Steven before they lost each other. For the first time, she was afraid that they would, or might, or could, and feeling that was terrifying for her.

“Merry Christmas, Merrie,” Cal said softly before he left.

“Merry Christmas to you, Cal,” she answered, but they were both upset by what had happened. It was easy to explain in some ways, they were both feeling emotional because of the holiday, and she had been living apart from her husband for three months. Cal had no important woman in his life. And they were both lonely. But they both knew that it wasn't reason enough to risk her marriage or destroy their friendship.

And the next day, she called him and told him she couldn't come over.

“Because of what happened last night?” he asked softly.

“Yes. I think we both need a breather before we do something foolish. The airport will be open in a few hours, they said. It'll be fine when I come back from New York, let's forget about it, Cal.”

He didn't want her to quit because he had been stupid. He didn't care what he had to do, or not do, but more than anything, he didn't want to lose her. “I'm sorry I was such a fool. I know how in love you are with Steve. I don't know what came over me suddenly.” But he knew, and so did she, and they both knew it had to stop very quickly. She was sure that if nothing more was said about it, the moment would pass and they would both forget, and they could go back to the comfortable friendship they had shared for months. “I don't like to think of you alone in the apartment on Christmas.”

“I'm fine. I promise.”

“It was so nice being with you last night, and talking to you.” It had been years since he had talked to anyone about his parents.

“We won't lose that, Cal. I promise. I'll be all right after I see Steve. And you'll be yourself again after your vacation in Mexico. I told you, it's just the holidays. I'll see you after New Year's.”

“Will you really be all right, Merrie?” He was worried about her, he knew he had upset her.

“Yes, I will. We both will. Merry Christmas, Cal. Kiss the kids for me.” And for some insane reason, after she hung up, she found she missed them.

It was a relief when they opened the airport in New York that night, and she got a seat on the red-eye. She sat awake, all the way to New York, thinking of Cal, and how foolish they had almost been. Enough so to wake her up. She knew that she and Steve had to do something. They couldn't live like this forever.

She took a cab to the apartment when she arrived, and the city looked like a fairyland, all covered in snow. Another light snow had already begun falling when she let herself into the apartment. It was the day after Christmas, but at least she was home. And when she walked into the bedroom, Steve was there, sound asleep in their bed. She took off her clothes, and slipped silently under the sheets beside him. And in his sleep, he pulled her close to him and held her.

Chapter 11

T
HE WEEK IN
New York flew by too fast. Steve had taken the week off too, and the time they shared was idyllic. They played in the snow, and went sledding in the park. They went for long walks, and out for dinner. They made love more than they had in years, as though they were both desperate to cling to each other. And after the first few days, they finally talked seriously about their problem.

“What are we going to do?” Meredith was the first to ask. “We can't live like this forever.”

“I hope we won't have to,” he said sadly. With Meredith there, and so obviously in love with him, he was calmer than he had been in a while.

“Do you want me to quit my job? I will if it's what you want,” she said honestly. They had been apart for almost three months, and with no job for him on the West Coast, there was no end of their separation in sight.

“Of course I don't want that. I want what's good for you. Something will turn up sooner or later,” Steve said calmly.

“What if it's later? What if it takes six months? Or a year?”

“Then we'll live with it. And if nothing great turns up, I'll take a job in some ER and wait for the right opportunity while I'm there. This is not a tragedy, it's just a tough time. Other people seem to do it.”

“Some of them don't make it,” she said, looking worried. The incident with Cal on Christmas Eve had told her that no one was invulnerable, and no matter how much they loved each other, living on opposite coasts presented a real danger for them. For Meredith, it had been a warning, but she had no intention of saying that to him. She didn't want to hurt him.

“What does that mean?” Steve asked, looking confused.

“It means that some people's marriages fall apart, living like this. It puts a hell of a lot of pressure on both of us. Things haven't exactly been easy lately.”

“I know that. But we can do it. It's worth it. I don't want you giving up a job you love, or an opportunity like the one Cal gave you. You love working with him, it's the most exciting job you've ever had, and you're making a goddamn fortune.”

“It's not worth losing you for,” she said clearly. “Nothing is worth that to me, Steve. No job on the planet would be worth that, and no amount of money.”

“I know that,” he said, pulling her into his arms, and kissing her. “I'll be out there in a couple of months, and we'll look back on all this and laugh. We can do it, Merrie. I promise.” She felt as though she were being pulled away from him sometimes, by a force that was bigger than they were, as though the fates were conspiring against them. But she didn't want to say that to him. “Let's just try and spend the weekends together more often.” From that standpoint, the past few months had been a disaster for them. She seemed to get tied up in Palo Alto every weekend, and he was always on duty at the hospital, and between colds and meetings and blizzards and bad luck, they had hardly seen each other.

“I think that'll help,” she said pensively, and he nodded.

“And I'll keep beating the bushes for work in San Francisco. I can't go anywhere right now anyway for the next two months, until Lucas recovers from his hip. So we know I'll be here for that long. And maybe by then a job will open up in the Bay Area.” He sounded hopeful, more so than he had in a long time. Being with her had really boosted his spirits.

“Christ, I hope so,” she said, and with that, they fell back into bed. They even managed to spend New Year's Eve together, without interference from the trauma unit, which was mostly thanks to Anna Gonzalez, who was covering for him. Steve said that she had absolutely forbidden anyone to call him. “I owe her a giant thank you,” Meredith said, as she packed her bags on New Year's Day, to go back to California. They were both sad she was going, but it had been a great week for them, and even Meredith felt more secure about the relationship than she had on Christmas morning. She felt as though they were safe again. And everything he had said made sense. A job would have to turn up for him sooner or later. And if not, he said he'd come out anyway, even if he had to be a paramedic, although she knew he didn't really mean that.

“I want you to meet Anna the next time you're here,” Steve said over the dinner he cooked her before she left. “She's an amazing woman. She's from San Juan, and grew up dirt poor. She got a full scholarship to Yale, and then another one for med school. She was married to some rich kid at the law school, and I gather his family was none too pleased about it. They eventually forced him to ditch her, but not until after she had a baby. He left her high and dry during her residency with no money and a newborn baby. The kid is five now, and she's living in some miserable walk-up apartment on the West Side. She's an incredible physician. We were lucky to find her.”

“What does she look like?” Meredith asked, and Steve laughed.

“You sound just like a woman,” he teased her.

“I am a woman.”

“So I noticed.” They had just made love again an hour before. “One for the road,” as he called it. “She's nice looking, not gorgeous. A little thin, a little nervous, a lot stressed out. She has a kid to support, and she seems to live hand to mouth, doing
locum tenens.
I'm trying to get them to hire her permanently. We could really use her in the unit. And when I leave, she could replace me. She'd love it.”

“She sounds like a paragon of virtue.” Something about the way he talked about her made Meredith uneasy. And somehow his vague physical description of her seemed just a bit too sketchy. “How old is she?”

“Thirty-three. She's no kid. And she's pretty bitter about her ex-husband.” He sounded sympathetic.

“Doesn't he have to support the child?”

“He sends her two hundred bucks a month. Apparently, he won't even talk to her, won't see the child, and has since remarried some debutante, and just had twins.”

“Nice guy,” Meredith commented, and then realized that she was jealous, which was ridiculous. Steve wasn't the one who'd kissed Cal on Christmas Eve. She was still sorry that had happened, and feeling guilty about it, because she knew Steve would never have done that. He had always been faithful to her, and so had she. But she also knew it would never happen again. Cal knew how upset she had been, and she also knew she wouldn't let it happen.

Steve took Meredith to the airport when she left, and they looked like newlyweds as they hugged and kissed and held each other. She had promised to come back in two weeks, no matter how busy they both were. She knew now, more than ever, that their visits were vital to them. She left him with a last kiss, boarded the plane, and thought about him all the way to California. But she felt a lot better than she had a week before, when she'd arrived the day after Christmas.

She got back to her apartment in Palo Alto just after midnight, and she fell asleep dreaming of Steve. And she was up bright and early the next morning. She was at her desk, looking busy and pleased when Cal got in, and he stood in her office doorway for a moment. He was searching her face for signs of awkwardness with him, but there were none. She looked up and smiled at him. And he could see that things were different than they had been ever so briefly. She looked happier than she had in weeks, and he was pleased for her.

“How was New York?” But he didn't need to ask. He could see it.

“Terrific. How was Mexico?” She sounded at ease with him, and he was relieved.

“Hot and sunny. Lots of tequila and margaritas.”

“No
turista?”
She laughed at him and he grinned. He was so happy that she wasn't angry or ill at ease with him, after his stupidity in kissing her on Christmas Eve. He had learned an important lesson. And he'd been lucky. This time. She might have quit, or been furious with him, but she obviously wasn't.

“I think the booze kills all the bugs. It was fine.”

“I'm glad. How are the children?”

“A little jangled. They always are after being with Charlotte. She always seems to unnerve them.”

“They'll settle down now that they're home.”

“How was Steve?” he asked cautiously as he walked into her office carrying the briefcase she had given him for Christmas. He loved it. And she was wearing the Bulgari watch he'd given her. She had left it in San Francisco rather than upset Steve with it, when she went to New York. But all was well in the world for both of them now, and business was booming.

“Steve was off all week for once.” She looked pleased as she said it. “And he's being very reasonable about the job situation. He's stuck there for the next two months anyway. I'm just going to have to make more of an effort to go home on weekends. I'm going back again in two weeks.” And her saying that reminded him of something.

“I've organized a retreat, for top management, in Hawaii in three weeks. I was going to tell you. I think they can use it.” He gave her the dates and she jotted them down on her calendar.

“Sounds good to me,” she smiled at him, and then reminded him they had a finance committee meeting in ten minutes.

“Slave driver. Where's my margarita? Where's the beach?” She laughed and wagged a finger at him in answer.

“Never mind that. The vacation's over. We have a lot of work to do, Mr. Dow.”

“Yes, ma'am,” he saluted, and disappeared to his office to collect his papers.

They worked together after the finance meeting all afternoon, and he could detect only the faintest change in her attitude toward him. She was a little more businesslike, a little more cautious with him, but by the end of the day, everything seemed back to normal. And when she left, she waved cheerily and said she'd see him in the morning. It was as though she had shut him out just a little bit, but he couldn't say that she was wrong to do so. He had thought about her a lot when he was in Mexico, and worried about how things would be when they met again. But worse than that, he had missed talking to her every day, and he was surprised himself to realize that morning how glad he was to see her.

He invited her to dinner with the kids that weekend, but she said she had too much work to do. She spent the day in the office on Saturday, and on Sunday she went to look at more houses in the city, and this time he didn't offer to go with her. And when his kids asked where she was, he told them she was busy. They complained about not seeing her, but he realized it was just as well that he and Meredith backed off from each other a bit. They had ventured into dangerous waters for a little while, and luckily swam clear of them. It was better this way, he knew. But every time he looked at his briefcase over the weekend, he was startled to realize he missed her. He felt oddly close to her, closer than he had been to anyone in years.