Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? (14 page)

Chapter 51
Don’t Think You Know Someone Because You See Them on Television

Hey, so you’re still with me! . . . Still reading, great. Thank you again. Can’t say that too often . . . especially when you’re banging on about civil behavior and manners and all. I wonder . . . Am I shocking a few people who got a copy of this book hoping to get all pissed off at me . . . only to find we’ve got more in common than they thought? If that’s you, glad to bring you a little surprise . . . and, in the process, if I’ve made a new friend, that’s great . . . If not, piss off.

I’m kidding. Sort of.

But you know, some people do want to be offended. Count on it . . . And that’s because they have made up their minds about who I am. Do people do that with you? I mean, not really know you outside work or church once a week, and then . . . later . . . admit how different they find you? That’s usually after a couple of margaritas and a laughing jag.

I never forget that . . . Oftentimes people like to think they know all about me because of what they’ve seen on TV. But, come on. You can’t think you know me—or anyone—because of what comes at you from a flat screen.

This is inclusive of the people on
Survivor
, and
The Amazing Race
, and sitcoms, and
The Housewives of Boogah-Boogahville,
and whatever movies you’ve liked. Because unless you actually can have conversations with somebody, spend time with them . . . you don’t know how their image has been put together. So sometimes you think you’re walking up to somebody who thinks the way that you think.

Don’t assume.

It’s like me, for example. People paint me to be whatever makes
them
comfortable, so often they are shocked when they find out that . . . yeah, I am pro-life. But I have a gun. And I will shoot you if you’re in my house at three a.m. without an invitation. And I don’t have any issue with that. Now, most people don’t know that. I’ve said it. But they don’t hear it.

I like my animals. I take care of my animals . . . but I do wear my fur coat sometimes. I’m a wealth of contradictions.

Sue me.

I don’t believe in the death penalty. Unless you touch a child. And then, you shouldn’t even get a trial. Oh, but wait! Here’s why that’s wrong. Not too long ago, there was a gentleman who had been in jail for thirty-five years for molestation. And he never touched that kid. And what was he like when he got released? Forgiving. Because he felt that getting angry wasn’t going to help him. He’s right. If you’re screaming, people generally stay away from you. But if you’re speaking in a normal tone, people sort of start to hear and say, “Wha—? Whaaat?” Then you’ve reached someone.

So I’m wrong and the law is right. I guess folks do have to have a trial.

More contradictions, huh? What’s next, needing warrants before you can wiretap American citizens? No, calm down . . . That would be crazy.

Anyway, don’t assume you know someone.

And it’s not just about folks in entertainment. In your own life, in your own neighborhood—you never know what’s going on in somebody’s house. People who think they know all about the neighbors across the street are dead certain they have them pegged. They say, “Those people over there? I’m sure what they’re doing is running a meth lab.” Or “That divorcée is one hot mess on the make.” Well, they don’t know . . . do they?

Just check out the neighbors we always see on the news when they find out that quiet guy upstairs is a serial killer or was imprisoning kids he and his nice wife had kidnapped. They all say how blown away they are. Like they never had a clue. Because they don’t. Or, on the other hand . . . you have those noisy rabble-rousers . . . folks who dress all scruffy and park on their front lawn. And you don’t know it . . . but they’re donating their weekends at a hospice or something.

You don’t know. And if you’re not really interested in taking the time to find out, then don’t talk about it. It goes back to:

THE THREE QUESTIONS:

Does it put any food on your table?

Does it enhance your life in any way?

Does it affect your personal being?

Got it? Good.

Now. I wonder what Simon Cowell is really like . . .

God, am I a walking contradiction, or what?

Chapter 52
A Civil Person’s Handy List: Commonly Used Hurtful Words and Phrases

Stupid

Dummy

Idiot

Retard

Lame-o

Spazz

He or she takes the short bus

Cup o’ Joe

White trash

That’s so ghetto

You’re so gay

Raggin’ on somebody

And this is just a start . . . Add your own.

Chapter 53
You Realize I Can Hear You

Remember how I said before, I could see you? I want you to realize I can now hear you too.

It’s tough getting some people off their habits. Not smoking or drinking . . . That’s easy. I’m talking comfort zones. Those things are armor plated. People get in them, and do they ever get stuck. If you don’t believe me, ask someone to be more sensitive about their word choices. They turn all cranky and go, “These days you can’t say anything.”

But look around . . . Have you noticed? It is a newer day. We have to be conscious of the fact that the old ways don’t flow the way they used to. Neither do the old words.

Take “Cup o’ Joe.” Now when you grab a stool at the diner and want some coffee, you might be thinking, “What sounds more friendly than asking for a nice, hot Cup o’ Joe?” Well, maybe you didn’t know the origin of that nickname for coffee goes back to the 1800s when a Stephen Foster song became popular. The name of the song? “Old Black Joe.” I’ll wait while you do the math on why some people might not like hearing that. Didn’t take long at all, did it?

You hear people say “white trash” all the time. It’s meant to insinuate that you are a white person who is not good enough . . . that you are garbage.

“That’s so ghetto.” Kind of the same thing, different flavor, don’t you think?

Racism seeped its way into our culture, and now that it’s in there, it’s hard to get out. Back to habits and comfort zones . . . Think of all those vintage cartoons, the ones where all you see is black people in demeaning and stereotypical roles. You also see it in the cartoon portrayal of Japanese people in the World War II era. I love the Three Stooges, but they had black stereotypes too. The black cook would get bug eyes and see a “Guh-guh-guh-ghost.” Or say, “This house sho’ nuff gone crazy” . . . right before he ran out of the kitchen in a cloud of dust. Same with the Marx Brothers. Watch
A Day at the Races
.

Once these words and images go unexamined . . . they slide into the American language . . . and we all start using them. And not just racial stuff. How many times on a sitcom have you heard someone say, “That’s retarded”? Or radio talk shows where someone calls someone else “a retard.” Next thing, kids are calling each other that. And there we go . . . New habits are forming.

If you have a child with special needs, you already know “retard” is a derogatory term meant to insinuate that somehow that person is “less than.” It’s all about ridicule. And marginalizing. They’re not only using it to belittle the person they are calling retarded . . . who probably isn’t . . . but they are also stigmatizing people with special needs, who, frankly, aren’t getting much benefit out of the contribution, thank you very much. But people do it. Without thinking.

Even me. I’ll cop to it right here . . . I’m guilty of this too. I’ve used the word “retard” in the past, not really thinking of its harm. But then a friend of mine asked me what another friend of ours who had a special needs kid in her life would think if she heard me say that. Busted.

Sarah Palin wanted President Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, fired for telling a meeting that some plan they had cooked up was “fucking retarded.” I do admit
one
of those words really bothers me.

Saying so-and-so “takes the short bus” is code for “he’s retarded.” They get that term from the smaller, special needs school buses, you see. It’s just another way to marginalize and stigmatize. Besides, I like those bitty little buses. I see them zipping around and say, now there’s a cool ride.

Is it me, or in what world is telling someone “You’re so gay” meant to be anything but a put-down? Like that is something not to be? Look, we can debate the pros and cons of gay marriage and gay rights all you like . . . but when you slam someone simply for who they are as a person . . . you’re just being plain hurtful.

Some women are offended by the word “ragging.” As in, “She’s been ragging on me.” It’s all about a woman’s period and hormonal crankiness—and comes from the slang for sanitary napkins. If folks are offended, why use it—unless you are trying to be mean? And you aren’t . . . are you?

A comment Senator Harry Reid made years ago came back to haunt him. Somebody dug out an embarrassing sound bite when he described the prospects for Barack Obama to succeed as a Presidential candidate . . . Now, you have to understand, Reid was speaking in support of then-senator Obama when he described him as “light-skinned” and that he was an African American “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” Senator Reid apologized. And the President accepted it and moved on. But it’s one more marker that shows us race is a tough topic. And how to discuss it . . . That is something we now have to deal with because, guess what? We do have a black President.

And now that we have a black President, we need to be prepared for . . .

A female President

A Hispanic President

An Asian President

A Native American President

A gay President

A lesbian President

A transgender President

So, all manner of describing people has to change. Phrases that we never thought of as derogatory . . . well, they will have to be examined and gone over and explained. And if you are the party that chooses to utter those names or expressions . . . you’re going to be called up or called out.

Does retard mean retarded?

Do you need to rethink your vocabulary? Chances are, yes.

Words do mean something.

But there are two categories here: people who say things to hurt; people who inadvertently say things that hurt.

So what do we do about all this stuff that’s getting said and offending so many people? Sarah Palin wanted Rahm Emanuel to get the boot. Mark the date and time. I think she is correct . . . that what he said isn’t acceptable.
However
. . . every offense does not warrant a firing.

Sometimes a swift kick in the pants will do.

See, that’s where consequences come in. If there are no consequences for somebody’s action, then people think it’s OK. But there should be consequences for it. If you get punched in the nose because you called somebody lame-o, you’re probably not going to do it again.

But what we need is less capital punishment for words, and more thinkable moments. Otherwise, from what I hear out of folks’ mouths . . . pretty soon, we’d have to fire everybody.

Chapter 54
The Smarter Things to Say

If you need to get your licks in, there may be a smarter way to say the same thing without lowering yourself into the word sewer.

Sure, it’s kind of a hassle to think all this through rather than go for the old cheap shot. But hey . . . that’s what makes you the smarter person.

And . . . if all else fails . . . “asshole” is still kind of fun.

Chapter 55
Self-Test: Offensive Language

Have you recently made fun of someone by using an offensive term?

If no, score 0

If yes, score 5

Is it bothering you that you did?

If yes, score 2

If no, score 5

Is it possible that you hurt somebody or taught someone else it’s OK to do the same thing?

If you think yes, score 5

If you think no, score 2

Do you care?

If yes, score 0

If no, score 5

Would it piss you off if they said it about you?

If yes, score 5

If no, score 10

Total score: ______

Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.