Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? (18 page)

For some people the answer is yes. So those are the ones, you say, “OK, until you can get your shit together, you can’t come to our school.”

And the school administrators have to say to their parents, “Hey, listen, we don’t know what you’re going to do with your kid. But he gets one more shot. And you’d better get on this because, otherwise, he’s going to be sitting on your lap at work with you. Take your kid . . . and leave. He can’t be here. We’re not going to allow this.”

It’s all about taking responsibility. But will we really do that? I wonder.

Why don’t we have as much zeal about these terrorists, the terrorists of our children and our workplace and our lives? Bullies are
terrorists
. They make you live scared, that’s what terrorists do. But why aren’t we treating bullies the same way we treat terrorists?

And Google and MySpace and Facebook and all those places, why aren’t they picking up on this? Why aren’t there committees that are out there combing for this too, and alerting people? The police monitor Internet chat rooms for predators, why not for bullies? Is it too much work? It’s not as much work as a funeral.

So if no one is going to take responsibility, kiss your kids very carefully every night.

Chapter 69
Self-Test: Am I a Bully?

Is there a person you regularly make threatening comments to, or give intimidating looks to, at work or school?

If no, score 0

If yes, score 5

Does it make you feel better that you do this?

If no, score 2

If yes, score 5

Is it possible that you hurt somebody or taught someone else it’s OK to do the same thing?

If you think yes, score 5

If you think no, score 2

Do you care?

If yes, score 0

If no, score 5

Have you ever posted or forwarded a hurtful comment about another person on the Internet?

If no, score 0

If yes, score 5

If you did it anonymously, score 10

Do you only put others down when it is in front of a group?

If no, score 0

If yes, score 5

Would it bother you if someone did the same thing to you?

If yes, score 5

If no, score 5

Total score: ______

Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 70
Manners Don’t Take a Vacation

I don’t care whether you are staying at a Motel 6 off the interstate or at the Four Seasons on Maui . . . it can drive you nuts the way some people behave in a hotel. I don’t mean inside their rooms. (Some of my behavior in a hotel room might raise an eyebrow or two.)

You have that look on your face that tells me you don’t know what I’m talking about. Let me explain.

Vacations are for fun and business trips may be for more serious purposes, but they have one thing in common . . . Your hotel stay is going to be hell if the other guests in it are inconsiderate. One of the things that people have talked about . . . and I concur . . . is noise. Hotel guest noise bites the big one.

Actually, there aren’t many hotel peeves that chap my behind. In fact, there are only two. Both involve noise.

Let me talk first about the doors slamming. Unless it’s used to dramatically finish an argument—it’s not cool. And for that to be cool, you have to use a British accent and say, “Good day, sir!” before you turn on your heel and slam that thing. Think about it. At home or at work, most of us close doors . . . not slam. But somehow, people think what happens in a hotel stays in a hotel. It doesn’t. ’Cause clearly, a lot of people don’t like it . . . And they’re talking about it. The doors that lead from your room to the hallway seem to be bang-friendly.

Sometimes it’s because of the air suck created by the breeze in the hallway. Sometimes it’s because the doors are hung in such a way as to make sure they close when a guest leaves the room. So, yeah . . . they’re
made
to close.

And they close loud enough—on their own—to rattle the water glass in the room up the hall. But when it slams . . . you wet your pants! Or, you’re asleep and it wakes you up. Either way, it’s not good.

OK, so we’ve learned that the design of hotel doors works against us, and here’s how we combat the god of Slam. Rest your hand on the doorknob so the door closes instead of slams. Voila! And yet nobody does it. Maybe now they will.

The other hotel hell moment is loud talking in halls. The surest way to get people cussing someone out from within their room is some other someone walking the hotel corridor talking to the person right beside them like they were shouting over a jet engine. I mean, come on. There’s no reason for this.

When adults do it, nine times out of ten, it’s after the bars have closed. Hey, what are you going to do?

But sometimes, parents let their kids run wild in the halls. Hey, what kid on a vacation doesn’t love to run? And there’s that long, carpeted runway for them to just sprint down, or play tag on—shrieking in delight. Well, moms and dads, this is a chance to let your kids know what it is like to be out in the world—where there are things like rules, and manners, and consideration.

Independence is wonderful for children, and vacations are a good way to stretch their boundaries . . . but you’ve got to help them. I also know kids are going to want to be kids, and that’s great. But they can be kids by the pool or on the beach and not right outside hotel rooms, where most people are craving peace and quiet.

Look, I’m not fooling myself. Just like the doors that are engineered to slam, I don’t believe hotel hallways are suddenly going to becomes churchlike. But I can dream.

But not if somebody’s noisy kids are outside my door.

Chapter 71
May I Have Your Attention Please? . . .
Please?

Have you tried to have a conversation with anyone these days and just end up feeling like you only have half their attention? It can happen when you’re face-to-face with someone. Like at dinner when they keep doing that damn BlackBerry check. But know what drives me batty? When you’re on the phone and you get those . . .

. . . long gaps . . .

. . . that make you think . . . that . . .

. . . the other per . . .

. . . son is not focused on you.

They can’t see you when you are talking with them and so the temptation is simply too hard to resist when the computer . . . or the BlackBerry . . . or the iPhone . . . or the iPad . . . is calling out to them.

“Hey, baby! Come on and check me . . . You know you want to. Someone might be inviting you to a party! . . . Maybe there’s news about that job you want . . . Come on, aren’t you just dying to check the tweets to see what color underwear John Mayer says he’s wearing today?”

And then the device takes hold of them. But the person on the other end is powerless. Because they don’t know what this other person is doing. Because they’re certainly not conversing. Which is what they should be doing if somebody calls them up and they answer.

Some telltale signs are the neutral “uh-huhs,” which sound a lot like “yes, dear.” But even worse are the long gaps and clickety-click of the keyboard you hear in the background from the person you thought was actually listening to you while you poured your heart out about the life-changing experience you had upon visiting the sick relative in the ICU who finally forgave you for joyriding in his car when you were fifteen.

. . . Hello?

Click, click, click. Tappety-tappety-tap . . . “Uh-huh . . . Riiight.” Click, click . . .

While the phone mute button is sometimes necessary, that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the unnecessary times. Times when you’re talking along and when you pause, you hear a silence so dead it could be the atmosphere on Jupiter. And then a soft click and a rush of sound from the person you thought you were chatting with. Know what they did? They muted their phone so they could talk with someone else in the room or the office—and didn’t tell you. Maybe it’s only for a few seconds. But still . . .

Know what you can do about this? Want to have some fun? All right . . . Next time it happens and you know the other person was away, multitasking or chatting up somebody who walked in the room . . . here’s what you do. When they finally do return to the line—pretending they didn’t leave—say this: “Good, then, I’ll just send the bill to you.”

Then sit back and listen to ’em squirm. And while they try to figure out how to find out what the hell you were talking about, you can relax and enjoy their discomfort. Maybe even check your email.

Chapter 72
Stress One Now

Don’t you just love when you call a business to talk to somebody . . . to tell them your issue, your problem . . . to get that little “personal touch” . . . and instead, you get that Stephen Hawking digitized voice that lets you know it’s a computer-automated operator?

Those robot operators (roboperators) . . . I hate them.

I can understand why they have them. Not only does it save costs in this bottom-line economy, but I suppose a lot of calls that come in are so easy to categorize that a live body doesn’t need to sort out the subtleties of what callers want. If you want to make a reservation, you press one now. To cancel, press two. Fine.

Oh, come on now. You know this is just because they don’t want to have to hire another person and have to pay them.

And doesn’t it seem that, most times, not even one of the options they offer applies
in any way
to what you called to do? What if I don’t want to make a reservation? . . . Or cancel one? What if I want to find out if there is a car rental desk at the hotel? Or if the noisy building demolition across the street is still going on?

Sometimes you get into those automated systems and it’s like getting shot down some Rube Goldberg (no relation) chute into a maze of electronic twists, turns, and dead ends. It’s especially nutty when the voice recognition technology isn’t up to snuff and it can’t understand what you are saying.

“If you are a current customer, say ‘yes.’ ”

“No.”

“So to confirm, you are a current customer, correct? If so, say yes.”

“No.”

“Good. I’ll connect you to current customer relations. Your wait time is approximately . . .
horty-hoo inutes
.” That’s robot speak for “grab a comfy chair.”

“But wait, I don’t want—”

Click. And then you’re enjoying the Soft Hits of the 70s.

Gaah!

If they’re going to use these systems, they’ve got to get it together. How many times does the digital sweetheart ask you to input your account number, enter the date of purchase . . . and your middle school shoe size . . . only to have the live, warm body that finally comes on the line ask you for the exact same information all over again?!

Gaah! Gaah!

Since this is the wave of the future, rather than fight it and have steam come out my ears every time I call a business, I have learned to amuse myself with a little head game. It’s simple. All you have to do every time you hear one of the little prompts of marketing bull, is to say the opposite in the operator’s perky DJ voice. And try not to laugh. It’s hard not to.

For example, when they say, “Your call is important to us,” say, “You don’t mean zip to us!”

“Thank you for your patience.” You say: “You’re a loser with nothing better to do!” And remember, keep it perky!

“Someone will be with you momentarily” becomes, “I hope you went potty, because this is going to take all day!”

“We’re busy assisting other customers” translates to, “It’s lunch hour, deal with it!”

All right, all right, it’s not that much fun after the first twenty minutes. If you have a problem with that, just call. Because you
know
you are very important to us.

Chapter 73
With All Due Respect

These were just things on my mind and some ideas of ways I could be better. Maybe it helps you too.

If not, pass this book on!

Chapter 74
Master Score Sheet for Self-Tests

Enter your numerical scores here for each self-test.

Parking = _______

A Traveler Check = _______

Resisting Textation = _______

Stadium Behavior = _______

Sideline Civility = _______

Offensive Language = _______

Am I a Bully? = _______

TOTAL = _______

What your score means:

If you scored between 0 and 30, your behavior rates as CIVIL.

Congratulations.

If you scored between 31 and 181, your behavior rates as BORDERLINE BONEHEAD.

Oops.

If you scored between 182 and 259, your behavior rates as ASSHOLIAN.

. . . Which means you probably don’t care. But if you do happen to care? Back to page 1 and start over. We’ll wait for you.

After all, it’s the polite thing to do.

Chapter 75
Glossary of Terms & Other Words

Here are some of those terms that you came across in this book that I put together with a bit more definition and suggested usage. I’ve also added a few extras just for fun.

You probably have a few choice words of your own.

ASSHOLIAN:
Behavior that could be seen as the renderings of a complete AH. But you are saved by your amateur status. You are human.

BIG BLOGGER:
Allusion to George Orwell’s
1984,
in which “Big Brother Is Watching You.” Now the mysterious surveillance entity is the blog.

BLOGGARDS:
A term blending bloggers and cowards, which, for the ones that hide behind anonymity, are pretty much the same. They are not worth much of your breath, so this nifty combo word keeps it short.

BONEHEAD:
Having the quality of being a thoughtless pain in the ass. A good substitute for some of the other, more potentially hurtful things you call people. But then, boneheads are pretty much immune to offense. They don’t get it.

BORG:
Cyber-species from
Star Trek
. Borgs are followers, entities with a drone mentality against whom there is no resistance.

CRACKBERRY:
Addiction to texting and email from your handheld device. Not specific to BlackBerry users. An equal opportunity annoyance.

DADHEAD:
A dad who is a sidelines jackass. Generally applied to those at youth sports fields and Little League bleachers, but tends to roam to various venues. Watch for him and his video cam at the next graduation.

DAILY REHAB:
The ongoing process of trying to keep moving forward in your life. Hey, we all screw up. Or backslide. Here is where character kicks in and you do your work. Every single day.

DIGITAL RAGE, THE:
Condition that is the byproduct of the Digital Age. We’re antsy, impatient, angry, stressed, and otherwise hot and bothered over being so wired.

DUDEBAG:
An only slightly milder way of calling a guy the word it sounds just like.

ELEVATOR EYES:
An awkward condition that overcomes people when they get on an elevator with someone else and they can’t manage to look at each other. So they look at anything they can find, usually changing floor numbers, with extreme fascination.

-IAN:
Suffix you can add to the end of words to link the user with the condition. For example, asshole becomes assholian, as in, “Man, that is assholian behavior.” Jackass becomes jackassian, and so forth.

PEERENT:
A parent who tries to be a peer to his children or to their friends. The outcome is generally poor when nobody seems to be the adult.

REALITY CHICK:
Woman famous for no discernable reason, except her reality show. Sadly, most aren’t that famous. Maybe we’re better off that way.

ROBOPERATOR:
Those annoying robot operators that take our calls now instead of live people. Enjoy the perky voice. Dig the corporate smooth jazz on hold. Your wait time is . . . seeming like forever.

’ROIDIAN SLICK:
Origin is athletes who cheated by using steroids (aka ’roids), but really applies to anyone who cheats his way to glory.

ROLE MORTALS:
People we admire and look up to as role models, who are, in reality, all too human.

SOCCER MOBS:
Soccer moms and dads who foster a mob mentality. They shout rude things and lose control on their kids’ soccer sidelines. Related to: DADHEAD, above.

SOCIAL NETWORK SITE:
Those fun places on the Web where everyone sees your personal business. Poster, BEWARE!!

STEALTH SWEAR:
As in, think the curse, don’t say it. Gives you the advantage of feeling good without all that pesky fighting after.

TALIBAN-ESQUE:
Any behavior that imposes the beliefs of one person on everyone else. Conversations with the Taliban-esque are impossible. They aren’t even conversations. With them, it’s my way or no way.

TEXTATION:
The overwhelming urge to text.

THE WTF LOOK:
The expression that slowly grows on someone’s face with the dawning unhappy realization that something bad is in the air. You see this a lot on airplanes and workplace kitchens when stinky food hits the fan. It’s a look you don’t want to get.