It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age (6 page)

Like it or not, the world is made up of people. Wonderful, flawed, pushy, passive, irritating, friendly, difficult, congenial, discouraging, uplifting, selfish, generous, mistake-prone people. And sometimes, we’re all a little bit of all of that. We’re sometimes clueless, sometimes brilliant, sometimes hurtful, sometimes caring, sometimes giving, sometimes taking, sometimes vengeful, and sometimes forgiving.

We can’t get away from the simple fact that we are imperfect creatures in an imperfect world. And if we think we don’t have flaws, there are plenty of people in our lives who would be more than happy to point those flaws out to us.

Sometimes, though, when we’re trying our best to live at peace with those around us, we encounter those who seem to be working just as hard to rob us of our happiness. These joy thieves buried their sense of humor years ago, and they’re not content until they’ve buried whatever shred of joy they find in the lives of others. From short-tempered sales clerks to annoying drivers to just plain mean, nasty, and spiteful people, we have all had to face these creatures throughout our day, and the encounter is never easy. That’s why we decided to include a little advice on how to deal with the bullies, the incompetent, the irritating, the frustrating, the unfriendly, the unforgiving, the difficult, the self-righteous, and perhaps even an enemy or two.

I didn’t attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain

Is This the Party
to Whom I’m Speaking?

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

We can’t talk about difficult people and not mention telemarketers. Sometimes a polite ‘‘no thank you’’ and a click is sufficient, but dealing with an aggressive telemarketer is like trying to shut off a fire hose with clothespins. Getting your phone number put on the Do Not Call list will help some, but one can still slip through the cracks from time to time—just when you’re about to step into the shower. That’s why we feel it’s necessary to provide you with some handy responses for the next time one of these life intruders calls.

Top Ten Responses to a Telemarketer

1. ‘‘Here, talk to my two-year-old.’’

2. ‘‘You’d like to speak with my husband? He died in a unicycle accident just this morning. He collided with an oncoming bear in a tutu. It’s a risk of circus life. I’m so glad you called. I have no one else to talk to about it . . .’’

3. ‘‘Magazine subscriptions? I’ll take them all! But first, I have something I want to sell you, too! Have you heard of Amway?’’

4. ‘‘Harry! Is that you? I can’t believe it! Marge, come in here quick, it’s Harry! See, I told you he was alive!’’

5. ‘‘Are you from the dating service? Me and my four kids are free Saturday and we’d love to go to Disneyland!’’

6. ‘‘Is this about the money you owe me?’’

7. ‘‘Grandma! It’s for you, and don’t talk for two hours like you did last time.’’

8. ‘‘Telephone solicitors’ fraud department. Can I help you?’’

9. ‘‘Kids! Daddy’s back! Come say hi!’’

10. ‘‘I’m going to have to put you on hold . . .’’ (Then go on vacation.)

Never explain—your friends do not need it
and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
Elbert Hubbard

The Trouble With Pharisees

I wanted to do something nice, so I bought
my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.
Henny Youngman

If you’ve ever stepped foot inside a church,
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(and we hope you have), you’ve no doubt heard the song ‘‘Amazing Grace.’’ Written around 1772, it is very likely the world’s most beloved hymn. I (Phil) heard the Eagles play an instrumental version of it once before seventeen thousand people, and most of the seventeen thousand were singing along.
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Sometimes you run into people, however, who want to give the song a rewrite. They want to sing, ‘‘Selective Grace how sweet the sound that won’t save a wretch like that guy.’’ Jesus ran into them, too. They were called Pharisees.

Pharisees point to the wrong. Jesus points to the redemption. Pharisees remind others of their sins while overlooking their own. Jesus forgives and erases all sins that are repented of, then remembers them no more. It’s not divine amnesia; it’s his choice. He loves us so much that he doesn’t even know what we’re talking about if we bring those sins up again. As Corrie ten Boom said, ‘‘God throws our sins into the deepest sea and puts up a sign: ‘No Fishing!’’’

Sadly, Pharisees are those who go fishing for other people’s sins while playing catch-and-release with their own. When an angry mob was about to stone an adulteress who was caught in the very act, what did Jesus do? Condemn her? No. He bent down and began writing words in the sand, words that convicted the hearts of those holding the stones. Perhaps the words were
pride, greed, lying, bearing false witness, coveting, taking the Lord’s name in vain, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, fornication, unforgiveness, self-righteousness, self-centeredness,
or any number of other sins. There might have even been a few other adulterers there in the crowd, rock in hand, ready to pitch it at the accused. We’re not sure what the exact words were that Jesus wrote, but those words certainly brought conviction to their hearts. Maybe he was more specific. Maybe he started writing their names and then listed their failures. If he got that specific, it wouldn’t have taken long for the rest of the crowd to start dropping their stones and leaving the scene before he got to them.

Then Jesus said, ‘‘He that is without sin cast the first stone.’’ Wouldn’t you like to have been in the crowd, watching their faces? Jesus’ words, both the spoken ones and the ones written in sand, must have pricked some pretty self-righteous consciences, because soon the woman was standing all alone. We would have walked away, too, because his mercy holds a mirror to our lives. In this mirror we see our own selfishness. His grace forces us to see our own need for grace. And it’s not always a pretty picture.

Aren’t you glad that the gospel isn’t about selective grace? It’s about
amazing
grace. And that grace is available to each one of us, not just those pointing their fingers at others. Whether the rock throwers want to hear it or not, it’s true. God’s grace is amazing. And it’s for each one of us, no matter how small and insignificant our own sins look in our eyes. According to the Law, we’re all worthy of a stoning. God offers us what we don’t deserve: mercy and grace.

The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt

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And taken the rest of your body with you.

²
At least, those who weren’t sitting near the speakers and still had their hearing.

Enemies:
What Would We Do Without Them?

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.
Martin Luther King Jr.

Do you have any enemies? People who are like food allergies, and every time you get close to them you break out in hives? People you can’t really tar and feather but sometimes find yourself wondering what they would look like stuck in the gooey mess? We’re not talking about the occasional rude clerk who won’t bag your groceries or that driver who cut you off on the freeway this morning while talking on her cell phone and curling her hair. We’re talking about a real enemy. Someone who seems to celebrate when something goes wrong in your life. People who would like nothing more than to see you fail, because it makes them feel better about themselves or their own shortcomings.

If it’s any consolation, most people who have ever tried to do any good in life will have had an enemy. Some, like many of the prophets in the Bible, end up having a whole army of them. Sometimes, as was the case with brothers Cain and Abel, the enemy is a family member. Cain was jealous that God had been pleased with his brother’s sacrifice and not with his. He could have examined the reasons God was displeased with him and repented, but instead he decided to kill his brother.

By the time Joseph came along some years later, jealousy still had not gone out of style. Joseph’s brothers were envious because Joseph was Daddy’s favorite, so they plotted to kill him but then decided to make a little cash instead by selling him into slavery. King Saul was jealous of David, choosing animosity over friendship, even though David tried his hardest to be friends. David’s own son Absalom staged a mutiny against his father with tragic results. And the list goes on. Throughout the Bible, there are plenty of accounts of good people who, sometimes for no apparent reason at all, other than the fact that they were doing good and making a difference, had to deal with enemies.

But instead of letting an enemy get the best of you, save ‘‘the best of you’’ for those who appreciate it, and give an enemy what he or she clearly doesn’t deserve but has a shortage of in his or her life—God’s love and grace.

Love is the only force capable of
transforming an enemy into a friend.
Martin Luther King Jr.

‘‘Blessing’’ Those Who Curse You

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation
but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

It was Jesus who told us to ‘‘bless those who curse you.’’ On the surface, it seems impossible. But you can do it. The key is to be just a little creative. Remember the czar’s blessing that was given in
Fiddler on the Roof
? ‘‘God bless the czar . . . and keep him . . . very far away.’’ Here are some other ‘‘blessings’’ that we hope will make you smile before we try our best to get serious again: