JACK (14 page)

Noah pulled away and his expression was serious. For the first time in a long time I wasn’t sure what he was thinking.

He sat up and I thought he was going to leave. “I’m sorry, please don’t go.”

He shook his head.

Noah sat there for some time not looking at me. Then his hands curled into the hem of his tunic. He took it off. He stared down at the long underwear he had on. He ran a hand over his chest, then down his arm. Noah took a breath and closed his eyes. He pulled off the long johns.

I’d only seen his scars the one time right after the ETC. Now that I wasn’t worried about him never remembering me, they seemed even worse. Like wax splattered against his skin.

I sat up beside Noah and watched him stare down at himself. His hand trembled when he touched the scars stretched across his skin. They were brutal, and gruesome. I didn’t think they hurt when he touched them, but there was still pain in his eyes.

Noah picked up his scrub top and put it on. The scars were even more noticeable against the gray.

“You don’t have to do that.”

He nodded.

“Why?”

He put a hand over my heart.

*** *** ***

We were at dinner and Grom was late. He arrived with bulging pockets and the biggest smile I’d ever seen.

“How are you, young knight, and my brave apprentice?” He sat and began shoveling his food into his mouth.

“I’m fine.”

Noah nodded.

“Muud.” Grom promptly lost a mouthful of potatoes. He wiped his chin then his beard. “I mean good.”

Noah nudged me and gestured toward his lips.

“Noah wants to know what you’re so happy about.”

Grom laughed spraying a bite of cornbread. “I, my boy, have finally done it!”

Noah and I looked at each other. “What?”

“I have completed my greatest spell ever. The most complex of complex.”

Noah’s eyebrows went up.

I said, “What kind of spell?”

Grom jabbed a finger in the air. “That is a secret. It won’t be for long. I will show you, but first I need one last ingredient.”

We waited. Grom ate.

I scooted forward. “The spell, Grom. Tell us about the spell.”

“A secret!” He opened his carton of milk and stuffed the rest of his cornbread inside.

“We can keep a secret.”

He stopped and squinted at me from behind his glasses. One side was missing a lens. I had no idea how long it had been gone. “I don’t know whether or not I should tell you.”

“Grom.”

“You are my trusty knight then?”

“Yes.”

“And you…” He waved his spoon at Noah. “Are my apprentice?”

Noah nodded.

“Then you know you are sworn to secrecy.”

“Yes, yes, we won’t tell anyone.”

“You must help me get the last item first. I will tell you when the spell is complete. I will even show you!”

I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. “I thought you said it was finished.”

“It is.”

“But you said you needed something else.”

“I do.”

“Grom, you’re not making any sense.”

“Just Jack, have I ever made sense to you?” Right then he was so serious, so un-Grom. I sat back. I crossed my arms over my chest. Not because I was angry, but because I felt exposed. He smiled and the action transformed him. “One ingredient. That’s all I ask. A simple, simple thing. A very short quest.”

Noah nodded.

Grom clapped his hands, sloshing cornbread and milk everywhere. “That’s my boy!” He looked at me. “What about you, Just Jack?”

If Noah was going, then so was I.

*** *** ***

Standing at the end of the hall looking into the dayroom, Grom told us about the quest. I didn’t care what Grom said, the task was not going to be easy and it could land all three of us into losing our privileges.

“What do you need a key for?”

He waggled a finger in my face. “Not just any key. I need The Key. The one to all kingdoms, the one to the faraway land.”

“What for?”

“To complete the spell.”

“They’ll know.”

“I only need it for a night, a single night. No one will notice it being gone.”

I didn’t believe that for a minute. Worse was the idea of something happening to him if he escaped. “You can’t walk out of here.” Even with a key there were guards and orderlies.

“I’m not going to walk out of here. I have no intentions of doing any such thing. This is for my spell and nothing more!”

“You swear?” Noah made an X over his heart. And I added, “Cross your heart?”

Grom crossed his heart. “I swear to you, Just Jack, everything I have said is true. Now pay attention.”

He peeked around the corner and pointed to the man mopping the floor. He was here every night with his bucket of lemon scented cleaner trying to erase the stench of piss and human despair.

Grom nodded. “There, see that key ring?”

I did. There must have been a hundred keys on the thick metal loop. “Grom, it’s impossible.”

“No it isn’t.”

“We’ll get caught.”

“You promised me, young knight. You promised if I told you, you would help me.” His hand squeezed my arm.

“I just don’t want to wind up locked in my room.” Noah tugged on my hand. “Neither does Noah.”

“We won’t.” Grom turned his attention back to the custodian. “Now watch.”

The man walked his bucket past us and stopped at another door. He took the key ring off his belt and unlocked it, leaving the key with the ring stuck in the knob.

“Why does he do that?”

“His supplies are in a closet just around the corner. He doesn’t want to make two trips so he needs both hands. He’s grown soft in his ways, Just Jack. Let this be a lesson. Always be diligent and never lend your trust to those who do not deserve it.”

The custodian propped the door open with a small triangle of wood and pushed his bucket through the door. I could see the length of tiles leading to the water room. It was like staring into the mouth of hell.

Noah backed up, face white.

“We can’t.”

Grom glared. “You promised!”

“Noah’s scared and I don’t want to go in there.”

“You won’t have to go inside.” Grom fiddled with his pockets and pulled out his straw. “I’ll put the custodian in a sleep and you, young knight, will ride in and snatch the key.”

“Grom, if we take that key they will notice.”

“We don’t need that key.” He pointed with his straw. “See the one at the end, the one on its own ring?”

“We’re too far away.”

“Then trust me, it’s there. I’ve held those keys in my hand. I know it’s there. On the end, and the ring is flimsy. All you’d have to do is snatch it off.”

“Grom…”

He put a hand on my shoulder and begged me with a look. “I need you to do this one thing for me. Help me complete this one quest. Afterward if you want you can give the key back. Tell them you found it if you want. Please, Jack. Help me.”

They way he stared at me made it impossible for me to tell him no. “Fine.”

“Good lad!” He grinned.

The custodian came out the door, arms loaded with rolls of paper towels and packages of toilet paper. He restocked his cart then retrieved his keys.

He went past us pushing his cart.

I looked at Grom. “When do we do it?”

“Tomorrow. It’s the day before visitation day and he will be extra busy cleaning the visiting room.”

Noah and I played checkers in the dayroom. One of the nurses had bought him a cheap set from the dime store. Instead of milk caps there were actual red and black pieces. For once, my pile was bigger than his.

“You’re letting me win.”

He shook his head.

“Yes you are.” I did a triple jump. “See, you’re letting me win.”

He started to laugh, and then his gaze flicked over my shoulder. I looked to see a loose group of young people dressed in white coats. They all carried clipboards or notebooks and were following Dr. Chance around like baby ducks. He spoke and they scribbled.

“Who are they?”

Noah leaned over the table. “Students.”

“From where?” He pointed to the silhouette of the hospital. “Doctors?”

“Students.” He cleared his throat. “They come every year.”

“For how long?”

He held up three then five fingers.

“Days.”

He jabbed his thumb up.

“Weeks?”

Again.

“Months?”

He nodded.

Three to five months of strange people walking around and staring. I had the urge to run back to my room and tear a strip off my sheet. Noah must have figured out what I was thinking. He tapped my arm to get my attention, and then pulled up the sleeve of his smock showing me his scars.

He was bare so I could be bare too. I put an arm around my ribs and we pretended to keep playing while Dr. Chance led the students around the room. Several broke off and they went about chatting, walking up to patients, pointing, tipping their heads together and sharing secrets.

I felt like a bug in a jar as they walked by acting like we weren’t even people. No hellos, no introductions. They talked about us and made notes on their clipboards.

Noah didn’t like them either. Eventually they wandered away.

I gave my attention back to the checkerboard. “Whose move is it?”

Noah took my last four pieces in one move.

“Damn it!” My fist hit the table and made the black and red circles jump.

He held up a piece.

“I can’t. I gotta go to session.” I glanced at the clock as I stood up. “And I’ll be late if I don’t go now.”

He nodded.

I leaned over and kissed him on the side of the head. “I’ll be back later for a rematch.”

I made it to Dr. Chance’s office out of breath and two minutes late. “I’m sorry I lost track of time.” I went right over to my chair. It wasn’t until I sat down that I noticed there were two additional people in his office this time. Or more precisely, students from the group I’d seen earlier. I recognized the girl with the red hair.

“Jacqueline, this is Dr. Moor and Dr. Webb.”

“What are they doing here?”

“They’ve come to observe and partake in this session with me.”

“I don’t want them here.”

“Neither one of them are incompetent. They have both looked over your records and are well informed on your treatment. It’s important that they sit in on talks like this. It’s how they learn. One day one of them could even replace me here at the facility.”

“I don’t care. I want them to leave.”

Both students exchanged uneasy looks. Dr. Chance sat forward in his chair. “They are not leaving. They are here on my good graces and deserve your respect. I know you will do that for me, Jacqueline. I won’t have to ask you again.”

As if he’d ever asked at all.

I drew my legs up into the chair and looked out the window.

“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?” The woman’s question was so rehearsed it hurt to listen to her.

“Not really.”

“Do you…” Papers shuffled. “Do you want to talk about your mother?”

“No.”

“What about the reason you want to become male?”

Become male. As if it was a conscious decision. I didn’t even bother with giving her a reply.

At least when the man took his turn he wasn’t so nervous he had to check his notes to remember what he was going to ask me.

It continued that way, for what seemed like days; the woman, the man, then the woman, then the man again, asking the same stupid questions Dr. Chance had asked when I first came here. I think he was wrong. I didn’t think they studied my file one bit. If they had they already knew what my answers would be.

Sometimes I gave a yes or no reply but most of the time I stayed quiet and stared out the window. The sky was clear but bleached to a pale blue by the sun. I didn’t need to go out there to know it was hot. Heat radiated off the side of the building, invisible until the light hit just right. Then, like the hidden eddies under the surface of the river back home, you could see ripples in the air.

August was always a brutal month in Georgia. Often called the Dog Days of Summer. I have no idea why they called them that considering it seemed to be the worst time of year to be stuck inside a fur coat.

I wondered if Elliot and Mikey were eating watermelon right now on the rickety back porch of the small house they rented. Were they laughing? Were they touching? Were they looking at each other in the way two people do when they are in love? Like their minds were tuned into the same channel and they could reach each other’s thoughts from a look or just the way a person holds their body?

I wanted that with Noah. I wanted to sit on a back porch somewhere with a big watermelon cut in half. Each of us with a spoon carving out dips of juicy red fruit and laughing about something stupid. Maybe we’d have a seed spitting contest and see who could launch the little black tear drops the farthest. Most of all I wanted to taste his mouth sticky with sweet juices.

But something like that would only happen if we were ever allowed to leave this place. It was a hope I woke up to every day, fueled by a night’s worth of dreams of fishing, horseback riding, and hiking through the woods. A hope that was crushed as reality came rolling in with the sunset.

Like Noah, I no longer asked when I could go home. It seemed the only one of us who still held those dreams was Grom. Dreams that were appropriately placed between imaginary kingdoms, knights, fire demons, and ogres who walked the halls, and spells that could solve all your problems with a wave of a straw.

Dr. Chance said my name and I gave him my attention. He motioned to the dressing blind. “If you like you can take off the bra now.”

“Is there a catch?”

His mouth quirked. “A catch?”

“Yeah. If I take it off will I lose any privileges?”

“No. I would prefer that you continue wearing it and I have more if you decide to do that, but I gave you my word it was only for one day.”

I knew taking off the bra was going to be worse than having it on. The material shaped my chest but it also held it still. If I took it off, the weight of my breasts would be free and every step, every movement I made, would remind me they were there.