JACK (18 page)

“I’m fine.” The boy was sitting with his friends again but he hadn’t quit staring.

“You don’t look like you’re fine. You look like you’re about to bolt.”

I leaned closer so Jonas could hear me when I dropped my voice. “That boy is staring at me.”

Jonas leaned back and looked. Their gazes met and the boy in the letter jacket nodded once and turned around. “There, he’s not staring at you anymore.”

But he was. In between bites of pizza and words with his friends he would glance up and look me over.

“You don’t like for boys to stare at you?”

“I don’t care, it’s just…” I felt naked in the dress, awkward. As if I’d been dressed up like a clown and stuffed in the middle of a room for everyone to point and laugh at. But it was impossible to explain those kinds of things to Jonas.

“Why do you think he was staring at you?” Jonas sipped his drink.

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe because you’re very pretty?”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are.”

I poked at the pieces of ice with my straw. “I’m not.”

“And why would you think that?”

“My ears stick out, for one.”

“Your ears are fine. In fact, they’re perfect for earrings.”

As if the very suggestion had put one there, I tugged on my lobe. “I don’t want any.”

“Really? I thought it was the fashion these days for girls to wear earrings.”

I stared at my hands.

“Jack?”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“I thought it was your name.”

“My name is Jack, but I don’t want to be called a girl.”

“Young woman perhaps?”

“No.”

“I have a cheese pizza with mushrooms and pepperoni?” The waitress pushed her way to our table.

Jonas raised his hand. “That would be us.”

A large flat paddle was put down between us. I could hear the cheese sizzling against the crust.

“You two enjoy.” She disappeared back behind the wall of people.

Jonas re-cut a slice with the knife left with the pizza. He handed it to me.

“Don’t we need plates?”

“And where would we put them?”

He was right. The pizza took up the entire table. I leaned over the wooden paddle like everyone else and began the dance of cheese and mouth. The first bite dragged a moan out of my chest. I didn’t think it was possible for something to taste this good, the tang of salt, the spice of sauce, and the cheese, smooth and creamy. I chewed and the crunch of crust gave way to the softness of fresh bread. If only Noah was here, he would have loved this.

I ate the entire piece before Jonas had taken three bites.

The boy in the letter jacket was really staring now. Cheeks still bulging with the pizza I’d crammed into my mouth, I pulled more napkins to clean off the sauce dripping from my chin.

“You really were hungry.” Jonas laughed when my face turned red.

“Sorry.” I almost spit crust everywhere. I covered my mouth with a handful of napkins and chewed until I could swallow. “That was rude of me.”

“I’m willing to bet if I’d been eating the food you have for the last several months, I’d be doing the same thing.”

I laid out some of the napkins and cut out another piece. I made sure to collect every bit of the stringy cheese and coil it on top. It burned my fingers but I ignored the pain and sucked the grease from my fingertips. I folded another napkin over the slice and tucked in the edges.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking some back with me.”

“You can eat all you want, there’s no limit, I promise.” He took a bite and chewed. He followed it with a swallow of soda.

“I’m taking it back for Noah. He’ll like this. It’ll be cold, but I think it will still be good.”

Since he said I could have all I wanted, I took another slice and laid it on top of the first. Another couple of napkins and I had a nice white bundle.

“I could have them bring you a box.”

I shrugged. “This is fine.”

“You’ll get grease all over your dress.”

“It’s not my dress.” If it was ruined then they wouldn’t ask me to wear it again. The only reason I’d put it on to begin with was because if I hadn’t, I not only couldn’t go, but I’d lose a privilege. Dr. Chance had moved his checker piece and claimed one of mine. It was my turn now, but I wasn’t sure what move to make yet. I wasn’t going to let him win though. It was clear the stakes were getting higher. First the bra, then the dress. What next?

I pulled another piece free from the pie and ate it. I was able to chew it this time and it tasted even better than the first piece.

Jonas wiped his mouth on his napkin. “You know there’s a drive-in movie theater near the hospital.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“If you like I could take you there sometime.”

A movie. I’d never been to one. Even when I was free in Union. We had a TV, but the reception was bad because we were so far away from the city. It never stopped Momma from watching it. She’d just turn down the volume and make up her own stories from the pictures they showed.

“I’m not sure Dr. Chance would allow it.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“And I don’t think I would want to go.”

“If you don’t like movies we could do something else. How about dancing?”

The only dancing I’d ever done was with Momma and I’d step on her toes. We still had fun. When she got sick, I’d put on one of her Sinatra records and dance for her. It always made her smile.

“What do you say, Jacqueline? Will you let me take you dancing?”

I guess now I knew. I put down the piece of pizza. I stared at the pie envisioning the red circles of pepperoni as the red pieces on the checker board. I thought about all the moves Dr. Chance had made so far and then the moves Noah had taught me. He always won because I was afraid to risk things. I still was afraid to take too many risks, especially now. I’d learned they got the people you cared about killed.

Jonas said my name again because I hadn’t answered. “I’m not sure Noah knows how to dance.”

Jonas looked surprised. A V appeared between his eyebrows. “It would only be you and I.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“I’d rather go with Noah.”

“Is there something wrong with me?” He said it with a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yes.”

Jonas sat back in his seat looking confused. “Do you mind telling me what?”

“You call me a girl, you call me Jacqueline. You don’t see me, and Noah does.”

“Dr. Chance told me about your condition.”

Condition? Just the word felt like a razor blade raking across my nerves.

I picked up the paper wrapped pizza slices. “I’d like to go back now.”

“Now?”

“Yes.”

“But we haven’t finished.”

“Yeah, we have.”

Jonas reached for my hand but I pulled away. “Jacqueline, please. Stay, eat. I didn’t mean to upset you. I care about you. I like you a lot.”

“You don’t even understand me.”

“I do and I want to help you.”

“Help me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think something’s wrong with me?”

“No, I mean. I think you’re just confused is all. I think some time out, seeing people, being around people. I think things will sort out for you. So does Dr. Chance. He has a lot of faith that you’ll be fine with just a little more—”

I stood up and pushed my way through the crowd, elbowing people out of my way. I followed the sunlight to the exit because I couldn’t see through the tears.

“Wait!”

I didn’t wait, I kept going. I almost knocked down a woman and her husband in my rush to get out. I had no idea where I was going, pizza pieces clutched in my hand I walked. Which way was it to the hospital?

“Jacqueline!”

I could hear Jonas’ shoes slapping against the pavement. I didn’t stop, I couldn’t stop. Jonas claimed he liked me and yet he wanted to change me. Just like Emma he wanted to change who I was.

A hand closed on my arm forcing me to stop. I jerked away. “Leave me alone!”

“I can’t let you wander the streets. I’m responsible for you while you’re out.”

“Then take me back.”

“You don’t mean it.”

“I do mean it.”

“Jacqueline, you need to try to get better. You have your whole life ahead of you. You need to want to get better. Don’t be like Grom. Don’t throw it all away on a fantasy. Don’t waste your time on someone ill like Noah. He’s never going to recover, and when you leave, you’ll need someone out here waiting on you.”

My anger swelled like the August heat welling off the sidewalk. It scorched the life from me and at the same time fueled my will to fight.

“I want to go home.” Home with Noah. Home to my crappy room with its peeling paint and hallways that smelled like piss. There was a crazy lady in the dayroom who wouldn’t let me sit on the couch and an old man in a diaper who hovered around the back door to the garden. I wanted to go back to the jungle, where they threw bed pans and screamed ‘help me Lord’ all during the night. To the world I understood, to the world I shared with a boy I loved. I did not want to be here no matter how many slices of pizza I could eat.

I decided if Jonas argued I would punch him. I think he saw something in my eyes because he stepped back and held out his hand to hail a cab. When he opened the door for me I went around the other side and got in. He ducked his head in. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

If I’d had any money I might have left him, but since Jonas was the one with the wallet the cabby wasn’t going to do anything I said. Jonas returned a couple minutes later, a brown cardboard box in his hands. He got in.

“Here.” He tugged the grease soaked napkins out of my hands and put it in the box. The rest of the pizza was in there as well. I scrubbed my palms on the dress, not caring how he disapproved. “Are you sure you don’t want to go anywhere else? You’re curfew isn’t until nine.”

“No.” It was a lie. There were lots of places I wanted to go. Lots of things I wanted to do. Just not with him.

We drove back to the hospital in silence. I could tell Jonas wanted to talk but he just didn’t know what to say. Every so often his lips would part like he was about to speak, and then he’d turn and look out the window. The drive wasn’t that long but it was miserable. Between the heat and the lack of conversation, it felt like it took hours.

I was almost excited when the hospital’s monolithic shape cut a gray swath out of the skyline. Trees were dwarfed and fields of shadows stretched out in front of the walls. Like some unforgiving god the building stared down at us, its windows watching, and its doors consuming those foolish enough to enter.

And I was foolish enough to enter. I thought about how many chances I’d had to run today and wondered why it never occurred to me to do it until now. I didn’t have to think long. The answer was inside the hospital. I couldn’t leave Noah.

The guard at the gate waved us through and the cab pulled up to the curb. I started to get out but Jonas caught my hand. His eyes were sad and hopeful. He ran his knuckles down my cheek then touched my lips with his thumb. “You really are beautiful, did you know that?”

I shook my head.

“I’m willing to wait for you.”

“Wait for me?”

“For when you’re discharged. In the meantime I’d like to come see you. Maybe I can bring you more pizza.” I pulled away but he held on. “Please, Jacqueline.”

This time I twisted my arm out of his grip. “My name is Jack.” I grabbed the box. I would have left it, only I didn’t want Noah to miss out on what I’d had for a day. When Jonas called out to me, I ran. I kept running. I went up the elevator, fighting the urge to climb the walls. As I ran to the check in desk I kicked off the dress shoes and left them behind. I turned in the plastic badge on my dress while they inspected the box of pizza. When they were done I went to my room.

I dropped the pizza box by the bed, tore off the dress and threw it into the floor. The bra was next and the underwear. I kicked it all away and stood there naked, shivering, not from the cold but from the feelings inside me. I wrapped my arms around my chest, flattening my breasts, gaining control of something. Changing my body to what I wanted in some small way. I was helpless against the rest. I was helpless against the fact Dr. Chance was trying to kill who I was. I would not let him. I could not let him.

My door squeaked a little when it opened and Noah stepped inside. One look at him and the tears started again. Noah picked my tunic up off the bed and brought it to me. I didn’t take it. He pulled on my arm until I unwrapped it from my chest. One then the other. He guided them through the armholes and pulled it down over my head. Noah had me sit down on the bed so he could get the pants on, then stand again and tighten the draw string. We sat down on the bed.

He cradled my face, one hand on each tear soaked cheek. His blue eyes searched mine. He pinched his bottom lip between his teeth and a worrier’s crease marred his forehead.

“Don’t cry.” He swiped away the flow of tears with his thumb. “Please, Jack.”

“He called me a girl.”

Noah tugged me down until we were lying next to each other, my head on his chest. I buried my face into his shirt and soaked it with tears. He’d asked me not to cry but I just couldn’t seem to stop.

“I’m not a girl and they all want me to be.”

“I don’t.”

“I know. I don’t understand why everyone else can’t accept it. Why do they want to change me?”

Noah sighed and kissed me on the forehead. “Maybe they just don’t love you enough.”

Such a simple answer and it was the truth. The only living person who loved me, understood me, accepted me, was Noah. More than ever I wanted to keep my promise to never leave him.

I sighed against his neck. “I love you Noah.”

“I love you too, Jack.”

It was only a couple hours after breakfast when the police arrived. There were four of them, two dressed in suits, two wearing uniforms. Noah and I sat in the hall playing checkers. He saw them first and scrambled to his feet. I stood too.

Noah shook. His eyes followed the shorter of the two men in suits. Their gazes met. Noah knew him but I wasn’t sure how.