Jacked (37 page)

Adam combed my hair away, watching me draw the tip of my tongue around braided rope tattoos that decorated the edges of his chest. He let out a small hiss when I sucked his nipple into my mouth.

Adam rested on his back and let me explore at my own pace. I hadn’t been with someone in a while and the newness and unfamiliarity made me uncomfortable and hesitant. His hips curled in when my hand neared his cock, silently urging me to touch.

My fingers tentatively drifted, feeling the smooth skin of the plump head and down the full length. His hand tensed, tangled within my hair. Our kiss became breathy and aggressive. The desire—irrefutable. He sighed in my mouth when I wrapped my fingers around him, stroking him up and down with growing confidence.

“God, that feels
so
good,” he groaned. Hearing his throaty moans, watching him watch me, it was a heady combination.

“I need to be inside you,” he said on my lips. “You on birth control?”

I nodded. “I have an IUD, but…”

He paused and then grabbed the condom off his nightstand. My eyes followed his reach, relieved I wouldn’t have to ask him to wear one. He probably had a hell of a lot more lovers than I did, and the last thing I needed or wanted was a sexually transmitted disease.

Adam positioned himself between my thighs while kissing me fervently. He stared at me with such intense reverence while he rolled the condom on. My breath hitched from the slight pinch as he entered me.

Adam stilled, bracing himself above me. “You okay?”

I nodded, pulling him in tighter.

He lowered over me, wrapping me in the protective hold of his arms. Nose to nose, he kissed me, breathing hard with me, making his mark on my body and my heart with each stroke.

“You feel so fucking good,” he whispered on my throat, his hand lifting my rear to angle in deeper. I wrapped my legs around his hips, gripping his muscular shoulders to keep him buried within me.

I’d had other lovers before but none of them compared to what I was feeling for Adam. He gazed at me so intently, making every stroke, every grind of his hips, every sensual touch and languid kiss seem like an unbreakable promise. He stilled inside me, making love to my mouth instead.

This wasn’t just sex.

I’d had plenty of
just sex
over the years with a few select men who made me feel more like a receptacle than a counterpart. The way Adam was constantly gazing directly in my eyes, the way he poured his entire existence into being with me, was so vastly different from anything I’d experienced before.

No, this wasn’t
just sex
.

This was the physical manifestation of an unspoken vow.

Adam kissed me one last time and then slowly withdrew, leaving an aching void in more places than I cared to admit. He moved next to me and onto his back, urging me to straddle him, and pulled my mouth back to his.

In one move, he’d surrendered and given me all of the control, to take whatever I wanted, whatever I needed from him on my own terms. He met me beat for beat, going slow or pounding into me, grinding deep while he worked my hips back and forth. Whatever I asked for, he gave it to me.

Adam’s hand cinched around my wrists, binding me like an iron shackle. He pressed my hands flat to his chest, holding me in place, while his thumb rubbed me. Within moments, the quickening accelerated, taking my breath away as the pressure built. I gasped. “Adam.”

“Not yet, babe,” he uttered, sitting up abruptly, taking me with him.

He rolled us over, adjusted us onto our sides, pressing my spine to his chest. Strong, thick arms with killer braided-rope tattoos wrapped around me, holding me fast, while tender lips made their way up and down my neck.

And then he was back inside me, wrapping his arm under my knee, taking his fill and filling me all at the same time.

“Look at me,” he ordered, drifting his command over the shell of my ear. I turned my head, wrapped my hand around his neck, and he took my mouth and my heart all in one swoop.

Adam’s large hand fanned over my pubic bone, pressing down, tilting my pelvis while the tips of his fingers played a perfect melody.

He was everywhere all at once. Lips, tongue, fingers, weaving his way around my soul, touching me in places inside where I’d never been touched before. New sensations struck me, seizing all the oxygen in my lungs. I grasped his shoulder, at every part of him I could hold on to, unable to breathe, unable to think. I felt split apart and slammed back together as the massive orgasm struck and rolled throughout my body.

“That’s it, baby,” he said, railing into me with everything he had.

Adam let out a lengthy groan, stuttering into me, following me over the edge. His warm breath fanned over my neck, up over my cheek, cooling wherever it touched the trickles of sweat beading on my skin.

I held on, clutching his damp head to me. Our breathing came out in labored, winded pants, while the final tremors rippled throughout our bodies.

His fingers drifted over my cheek and tangled up into my hair. His adoring gaze and loving expression gave way to the possibility of having a future with someone—something I hadn’t dared to hope for in a very long time.

In that moment, hope didn’t seem so out of reach. Neither did the possibility of falling in love.

His hips pressed up one more time, a final message that he was still very much in me, owning me. His mouth quirked up into a pleased smile. I couldn’t help but relish how gentle he was with me. Even his kisses were sweet. “You good?”

I swallowed the dryness forming in my throat and drifted my fingers over the tiny birthmark near the corner of his eye, up through his tousled hair, trying to find the words that could encompass all that I was feeling. I opted for a simple, “I’m very good. And you?”

“I’m definitely good.” He placed another tender kiss on my lips and shifted, slipping out of me.

I rolled to face him, needing to cuddle up with him and share this incredibly intimate moment. We lay there in silence for a long time, drifting, smiling, Adam softly stroking my cheek. Then his eyes narrowed, seeming to concentrate on the spot under his fingertips. His breathing changed and his lips drew together and something that resembled sadness or frustration etched his demeanor.

And then he rolled out of bed.

The sudden loss of his body heat caused a chill to snake over my skin. Being this exposed, all sprawled out in the middle of his bed, was also causing self-conscious discomfort. I searched the floor and snagged up his T-shirt, trying not to gawk at his incredible shape while he discarded the used condom in his bathroom.

I sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for what felt like ten minutes, slowly morphing from post-coital bliss to confused concern, watching his head hang down as he leaned hard on his bathroom vanity in the dark. Body language usually spoke truths that the mouth was unwilling to admit and something equally as dark had just taken him over.

My worry was confirmed when Adam walked past me, avoiding making eye contact, and tagged his boxers off the floor.

I took a deep breath and threw self-preservation out the window, tired of walking on eggshells around moody men. “Everything okay?”

His deep breath was answer enough as he pulled his boxer briefs up. It was the sound of inhaled regret. I felt stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid
.

As much as I’d hoped otherwise, I did misread our entire encounter. It was
just sex
, passionate, mind-blowing, life-altering sex, but regrettable sex for him, apparently. I heard the snap of his elastic waistband and then the bed dipped next to me.

He rolled his forlorn gaze over at me, that adoration I’d lost myself in was gone. “Listen,” he said hesitantly, “there’s something I need to tell you.”

I could tell whatever he was about to say wasn’t going to be something I’d want to hear.

He took a deep breath, obviously searching for the best way to let me down gently. “I know I owe you an explanation.” He rubbed his face, wiping his fingers over his lips. “God, this is hard. I should have been truthful with you before we…” His eyes flashed between us to the rumpled sheets, to me, then the floor. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

I waved a dismissive hand and braced for the worst, wishing I had my keys and coat and an exit strategy. Just admitting he didn’t want to hurt me was hurting me. Anger welled, hating him for ruining the best love-making encounter of my entire life. Disappointment scorched on top of that. I should have known better. Someone as gorgeous as Adam was probably a fantastic lay with
whomever
he was fucking. That incredible experience wasn’t meant for me to take personally. “You don’t owe me anything, Adam.”

My jeans were draped over the chair in the corner. My heart broke into a million pieces just thinking about having to put them on, but I’d be damned before I let him or any man see me shed another tear.

Adam snagged me by my wrist when I tried to step past him. “Where you going?”

I steeled my shoulders and tried to jerk free. “Getting dressed.”

His eyes narrowed and his hand tightened. “Why? Erin, sit.”

“I need my clothes.”

“Erin.” His voice was severe, so was the grip he had on me.

Gone were the soft
“babes”
and other whispered sentiments. We were back to the formality of first names.

“Why? So you can give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech?” A small chuckle erupted, though this constant reality of my sad love life was far from humorous. “Save it. We both have busy lives and it’s cool. I understand, believe me.”

He huffed in frustration, glaring at me. “
Jesus Christ
. Jumping to conclusions pretty fast, don’t ya think?”

I tried to tug away. “Just say what you’re going to say.”

“You gonna sit the fuck down and listen?”

I gave him my “I don’t think so” glare.

He tugged me again, this time with some force, pulling me across his body until my butt was sitting on the bed next to him.

I wanted to find my coat before he had a chance to go on.

“Listen, just hear me out. The other night… Damn it. I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t expect…” His head swayed. “This morning, I was angry. In my mind, I thought you were different, and then you went out and got fucked up on alcohol. I can’t have that in my life, Erin.”

None of this made any sense. “Wait, are you still mad at me?”

“No,” he declared. “No, I’m not. I have no right to be upset with you. This is my problem. It’s me that has to deal with it, not you.”

He stared at me for so long, making me feel like I was missing some obvious point. “I’m confused,” I whispered.

Adam pried my fingers apart, lacing his with mine.

Is he placating me?

His head dipped, gazing at the floor instead of just gutting me with the obvious truth. The span of silence was almost deafening, waiting, imagining a thousand different responses that might tumble from his lips to spear me through the chest. It was almost too easy to imagine a young Adam, guilty and unwilling to admit to his mistakes, hoping that some dimpled-cheek charm might spare him from the repercussion of his misdeeds.

“After sharing what we just shared, I want you to know me, Erin, and that… well, that includes the ugly parts too. I can’t… I can’t bring you in or ask you for more, not without you knowing all of me. You have the right to know what you’re getting yourself into before we go any further, no matter how much I want you. It’s only fair. I care way too much about you to do that to you.” He drew in another deep breath. “But I know once I tell you, things between us are going to change.”

Now he was scaring me. “I don’t understand. What—?”

“I’m trying to explain.
Shit
.” He muttered another curse and then looked me straight in the eyes. “I have a drinking problem, Erin. Ever since my partner was shot, it’s been… rough. The job. The stress. It was hard to deal with it all. But I’m sober now. Been sober for ten months.”

Reality hit hard. “You’re an alcoholic?”

Adam shrugged slightly. “Hate that word. Hate thinking that something like that got the better of me. Some days are harder than others. But I’m working on it. I’m keeping clean, avoiding temptation. Channeling my frustrations with other things that are giving me back a sense of control. But that label is going to follow me and haunt me and spill over on whoever I’m with.”

My hair started to tingle from absorbing all of this at once. “You go to meetings?”

Adam let out a small sigh. “Not the public kind but yeah, I see a counselor twice a month. It’s part grief and part addiction, since things tipped when my partner got shot.”

“So no AA?”

“No,” he uttered.

Substance abuse was rampant in Philly; all of the doctors on staff were well versed with addiction and treatment plans. “Why not?”

He bristled at that. “Listen, when I say I’m dealing with it, you have to trust me on that. There’s no way I’m going back to that. No way.” He eyed me warily. “See, this is why I didn’t want to bring anyone into this; it already cost me too much. My shit forces the people around me to make choices and sacrifices, and that’s not fair. Not fair to you.”

He stood up abruptly. “I want this, Erin. I want you and I want to see where this goes because I think we could have a great thing between us. But what I want and what you need are two different things,” he muttered. “I thought you of all people would understand the crush that comes from the overwhelming stress of our jobs. Day in and day out, it’s never pretty.”

I watched him reach for his discarded jeans, fishing in the front pocket.

“Fuck. Here are your keys. I’m going to take a shower. If you’re still here by the time I’m done…” He dropped my keys in my hand and then raised my chin up. “Well, I hope to God you stay, but I understand if you can’t deal with it. At least I have the peace of mind knowing that you know. That I was honest.”

I was stunned. Utterly stunned. My mind was spinning in its own tornado of confusion, further muddled by the look of regretful despair on his face. What I had thought he was going to drop on me turned out to be a multi-layered confession. He flicked the light on in the bathroom, leaving the door cracked a few inches. I could see the well-defined triceps of one arm, then a gloriously bare ass as he tugged his boxers back off, leaving me in a perpetual state of lustful want. I sat in a stupor, hearing the shower water raining onto the enormous glass surround.