Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow (19 page)

Dexter stepped forward carefully. He noticed a sign on the front, and walked toward it until he could read it.

It said: “Do you want to steal this?”

There were buttons for “yes” and “no.”

Dexter wondered if it was a trick question, but he had a feeling he needed to answer correctly. He thought about running up and making a wish for a million wishes and then wishing himself back to Earth.

But he looked again at the sign. It said “steal,” and Dexter wondered if it was a trap all over again. The Dragon's Eye had separated his friends and distracted them all from finding a way home. They had fought over it, and it was the final straw that separated him from Jacob and Sarah. Trick question or not, Dexter knew exactly how he should answer.

He punched the “no” button, and suddenly all of the walls of the maze rose up to the sky. He was in a huge laboratory.

A scientist with a red bow tie came bounding over to shake Dexter's hand. “Thank you for your participation in our experiment, young man! Splendid! You have no idea how difficult it is to find twelve-year-old Earthers on our planet.” He handed Dexter a piece of paper. “Here is a coupon for a free microscope to compensate you for your time.”

Dexter stared at the coupon. “I . . . What was this about? Why did you drug me?”

The scientist was bursting with pride. “We had a trial by scientific method and developed a theory that a twelve-year-old Earther was guilty of the attempted theft of our priceless carbon allotrope in order to start a war. However, we are scientists and mustn't jump to conclusions until all experiments are independently verified, but we've just had the hardest time—”

“You're talking about a twelve-year-old who stole a diamond?”

“Why, yes. In layman's terms.”

Dexter knew of only two twelve-year-old Earth humans who could have possibly gotten caught trying to steal the Dragon's Eye, and Sarah Daisy never got into trouble. “Was it Jacob Wonderbar?! Where is he?”

The scientist scratched his chin. “No, I seem to recall that this individual was either Mick Cracken disguised as an Earther or a girl disguised as a boy. Possibly both. He was sent to Planet Paisley to be rehabilitated. We can't very well have suspected carbon allotrope thieves running around our planet, now can we?”

Someone named a planet after paisley? But Dexter shook the question out of his head. He had more important considerations.

“Listen,” Dexter said. “I have to get back to Earth. My mother is sick! Please help me!”

“Oh dear,” the scientist said. “That is quite a complex scenario. If I'm not mistaken, the main route to Earth was blocked recently by a colossal space explosion.”

“I know it is! I helped cause that mess!”

The scientist frowned. “Why would you do that?”

“It was an accident!” Dexter felt like he might cry out of frustration. “Listen to me!” he yelled with as much force as he had ever used in his life.

The room silenced and everyone looked at Dexter.

“My parents are worried and my mom is sick. I have to find a way back to Earth. Please help me go home.”

The scientist glanced at his colleagues and then back to Dexter. “Young man, under the circumstances, I believe there is only one person in the universe who can help you.”

Dexter felt a glimmer of hope. “Who? Who can help me?”

“The king.”

“The king of what?”

“The king of everything.”

W
hen Sarah blasted off from the palace on Planet Royale, she was glad to be leaving. Planet Royale was designed for pure relaxation, and Sarah Daisy now knew she found relaxation terrifically boring.

“Where shall I set my course, Mistress Daisy?” Praiseworthy asked.

Sarah wondered how she would find Jacob and Dexter. A few days had gone by and they could be anywhere. The only thing she could think to do was to head back to the place where she had last seen them and start looking for clues.

“Planet Archimedes,” she said.

Sarah leaned back in the captain's chair and settled in for the journey. She could squeeze in a bit more shuteye and chat with Praiseworthy while she was awake to keep herself entertained, and be ready to tackle any obstacle that stood in her way when she finally found Jacob and Dexter.

Then she heard a familiar voice in the cockpit.

“Ugh. Praiseworthy, you've
got
to be kidding me. Don't tell me they only stocked two days worth of chocolate.”

Sarah felt her stomach drop. Mistress Silver Spoon.

“Oh dear me, Princess Catalina,” Praiseworthy said. “It's all my fault. I asked the staff to supply a variety of candy products so that there would be an assortment of anything you could possibly desire on the voyage, but I fear this reduced the amount of chocolate in proportion to the entire dessert supply. I do hope you can find it within your grace to forgive me.”

Mistress Silver Spoon plopped herself next to Sarah in the first mate's chair and kicked up her feet on the console. She was dressed casually in pants and a long T-shirt, although her ears were studded with some of the biggest jeweled earrings Sarah had ever seen. She leaned over and air-kissed a stunned Sarah on both cheeks.

“Ciao, darling.” Princess Catalina popped a piece of chocolate into her mouth.

“What are you doing here?!” Sarah shrieked.

“This
is
my ship, you know,” she said with a full mouth.

Sarah clenched her fists. The princess had actually snuck on board?! It was an outrage. She immediately began casting about for ways of getting rid of her, but she couldn't very well risk going back to Planet Royale to dump Mistress Silver Spoon on her silly throne. Surely the royal fleet wouldn't have taken kindly to an unauthorized departure, and she might even have to answer to the king. Sarah looked over at the princess and wondered why on Planet Royale she could have possibly wanted to stow away on her trip.

“Ugh,” Princess Catalina said, rolling her eyes. “Don't look so surprised, Earth girl. It's not an attractive look on you. You know, my brother isn't the only one who likes to have fun around here.”

Sarah had a sudden fantasy of jettisoning the princess onto a remote planet, but she didn't suppose Mistress Silver Spoon could be tricked on her own ship.

Princess Catalina swallowed her chocolate and clapped gleefully. “So! Where are we going?”

Sarah clenched her jaw and muttered, “Planet Archimedes.”

“You're taking me to nerd paradise?!” Princess Catalina slumped her head back and sprawled her arms like she was in agony. “Ugh. I should have known. Are you going to quiz me on word problems along the way? You'll probably spend the whole time working on your homework. Nightmare city! Couldn't we at least go to Planet Galleria and shop until we collapse? Oh! Better yet, let's go to Planet Girlfriend. It's where all the stylists live, and they're a little sassy, but we could work on that hair of yours.”

Sarah felt her cheeks getting hot. “We have to go there to find my friends Jacob and Dexter.”

Princess Catalina shot up in her seat. “Boys? Really? Are they cute?”

Sarah had a sudden vision of Jacob Wonderbar falling head over heels for the princess. “No,” she lied. “They're not cute.”

Princess Catalina looked Sarah over. “I probably shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.”

“What's that supposed to mean?!”

Princess Catalina smiled and raised her eyebrows up and down quickly. “So what do you say? Are we going to have all kinds of adventures? Are we going to go rescue the boys and make them wait on us hand and foot? What do you say, Earth girl?”

There was nothing in the universe that Sarah would rather have done less than cavort around with Princess Catalina. It was tremendously taxing on her ability to avoid anger and violence. But when she considered the alternatives, she didn't see much of a choice. As long as she wanted to keep heading toward Planet Archimedes and hold out hope of finding Jacob and Dexter, she figured she would have to make the best of it.

“Fine,” Sarah said through her teeth.

Princess Catalina flashed Sarah a smile that reeked of victory and satisfaction. A Crackenarium family specialty, apparently. Sarah thought she might be sick.

Praiseworthy whooped with joy. “Giant green gumdrops, I just knew you would be friends!”

J
acob crept down an eerily silent street in Substitute City. He had managed to avoid detection, but he knew that gangly substitute teacher evildoers could be lurking around every corner. He wasn't far from the city's spaceport, but he wasn't sure how long he would be able to escape their clutches.

He was still stunned that he had run into Miss Banks. He had no idea how she would get back to Earth herself now that there was a giant streak across the sky that just happened to be blocking the most expedient route back to their planet. But mostly he was shocked by the discovery that there was a whole universe that teachers had hidden from him and who knows how many other Astrals cavorting around Earth. All those UFO sightings now made a great deal more sense.

Jacob saw a group of menacing subs crossing the street up ahead. They hadn't seen him, but just to be safe, he ducked into a store and quickly closed the door.

He looked around at a dusty room filled with antiques and old school supplies. The wall was covered by old maps that showed what were surely out-of-date countries and borders. He saw a dunce cap, old typewriters, and a paddle.

A wizened old man sat behind the counter. Jacob froze.

“Are you a substitute teacher?” Jacob asked, ready to run.

“Used to be a janitor,” the man said. “Now I'm a collector. This here is a pawnshop slash antique store. I collected from schools on planets all around the galaxy. Most of this stuff people don't want anymore. I think it's a crying shame.”

Jacob relaxed and ran his finger over an old metal desk that opened up with compartments for pencils and rulers. He saw inkwells and fountain pens, old wooden pointers, jars full of marbles, and coffee mugs of every shape, design, and age. He spotted an old movie projector and touched the metal spool.

“You have old movies?”

The old man smiled, walked over, and switched it on.

The sound warbled and the black-and-white picture flickered to life, skipping and scratching. A stern voice warned children about the dangers of communism and the possibility of a nuclear explosion and mushroom clouds. They showed children dropping to the ground and hiding underneath their desks. There was a flash of light, but the kids were safe afterward, and the stern voice talked about freedom and democracy.

“Wow,” Jacob said. “Would a desk really protect you from a nuclear explosion? That's kind of amazing.”

“Nope,” the old man said. “That was a bunch of hooey. Thought you'd enjoy seeing it, though.”

The old man switched off the projector and Jacob walked over to look at the items in the glass case at the front of the store.

The old man rifled through some reels. “I think I have one about the origins of Astrals, do you want to watch that?”

Jacob didn't even hear him. He was staring at a pipe in the glass case. It was made out of old wood that was polished into a fine shine, and it had a charming, jaunty curve, with a streaked base that swooped up to a small black tip. There was a pewter stripe in the middle that held the pieces together.

He was sure that he had seen it before.

“Can I please see that pipe?” he asked quietly.

The old man wordlessly opened the case, took out the pipe, and placed it gently on the glass in front of Jacob. His hands shook when he carefully picked it up, turned it over, and looked at the base.

Jacob couldn't believe it. Of all the things to see in outer space. He just couldn't make sense of it.

“It's my dad's,” he finally managed to say.

He showed the man the base of the pewter, where the name Wonderbar was inscribed.

It was the pipe Jacob's dad had used when he dressed up as Sherlock Holmes on his birthdays. He used to fill the pipe with bubbles and would adopt a serious expression, asking Jacob ridiculous questions and blowing into the pipe as he waited for Jacob to reply. Jacob could hardly think straight, his dad looked so hilarious, and he could still hear the way he said, “But what do you think it
means,
Dr. Watson?” in a British accent.

The pipe had once belonged to his grandfather, an imposing German man who had died before Jacob was born. He put it up to his nose, and it still smelled faintly of bubbles and old tobacco.