Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow (14 page)

“This trial will be conducted by scientific method!” the head scientist said. “You all know the procedure, and we will uphold accuracy and exacting reason. We are men and women of science, and we will behave as such. Is there a hypothesis?”

A young scientist with thick glasses stood up. “Did you know that if you type the number 5318008 into your calculator and turn it upside down, it spells ‘boobies'?”

The room erupted, papers went flying, and the trial was unanimously suspended for ten minutes as scientists attempted the feat and then elbowed their colleagues, laughing hysterically. The young scientist received many pats on the back and was immediately recommended for a prestigious award.

After the commotion had subsided, the head scientist once again asked if any of the scientists had a hypothesis.

The giant scientist who had caught Jacob stood up. “My hypothesis is that he is Mick Cracken in disguise! Although he might be a girl. There was a girl with Cracken too. My hypothesis is that he's either Mick Cracken or a girl!”

A great hubbub commenced. Jacob knew he needed to speak up before he ended up fried by a Bunsen burner or stuffed into a vat of acid. Surely if he just explained the situation to a group of scientists, they would understand. They might even help him find his way back home through a crack in the space-time continuum.

Jacob had been in the principal's office enough times over the years to have perfected his technique for getting into the least amount of trouble possible. He molded his eyes and eyebrows into the perfect expression of innocence and fear, a face he had practiced for hours in the mirror.

“I'm not a girl,” Jacob said reasonably. “And I'm not Mick Cracken. I'm Jacob Wonderbar. I'm from the Planet Earth, and—”

The crowd gasped. “Earth!” a woman shouted. “This is worse than we thought. My hypothesis is that he came to steal the carbon allotrope for those vile Earthers, probably to build a weapon that will kill us all! It's an act of war!”

There were shouts of assent.

Jacob shook his head with a patient smile. “I didn't want to steal anything. I just wanted to find my friends. I didn't even believe the stupid diamond existed.”

The head scientist directed his laser pointer straight at Jacob's forehead. “The hypothesis for review is that this Earther, who may or may not be a girl, came to our planet to steal a carbon allotrope in order to start an intergalactic war. How shall we conduct the experiment?”

“Let's turn him over to the space monkeys and let them decide!”

“Switch his brain with a lab rat's, then ask the lab rat if he's guilty!”

Jacob imagined waking up in a mouse's body or in a cage with monkeys and knew it was time for hysterics. “Stop!” Jacob shouted. The room immediately quieted. He had to go for broke. He summoned fake tears and sniffed loudly, hoping he was convincing. “I didn't try to steal the dia . . . I mean the carbon allotrope. I was just trying to find my friends! The whole thing wasn't even my idea, it was that stupid buccaneer Cracken's plan. I really didn't do it! I promise!”

“We could shoot him with the really big laser,” a woman said. There were murmurs of agreement. Jacob gulped.

“I have it!” said the young scientist who had performed the calculator trick. “The perfect experiment. We should simply present him the allotrope as a gift. If he takes it, clearly it is something he wants and it means he came to our planet to steal it. If he does not take it, it would mean he was innocent. What do you suppose he would do?”

“I don't want it! I'd leave it just to get back to my friends,” Jacob said.

The scientist quickly rose to his feet. “Precisely what a thief would say! Who wouldn't take a free carbon allotrope? You'd have to be a madman not to take it. Clearly he has something to hide. Guilty as charged!”

The rest of the scientists rose to their feet to cheer and congratulate their colleague. The head scientist at the front of the class waved his laser pointer around and pointed it at Jacob's heart.

“I knew you were guilty,” he whispered cheerfully.

Jacob struggled against his restraints, trying one last time to break free. Now that they had found him guilty, he knew the next step would be to decide his punishment.

The head scientist signaled for silence and said, “Now then. We must analyze our results and move to our conclusion. Clearly this Earth human has demonstrated his intent to steal our precious carbon allotrope in order to start a war. However, as we all know, this is just a theory. The experiment must be independently verified through experiments on other Earthers before it is accepted as scientific fact. The subject shall be placed under proper supervision until we find more twelve-year-old Earthers for testing.”

“What does that mean?” Jacob asked.

The head scientist giggled. “You will be sent to Planet Paisley for rehabilitation.”

Jacob had no idea where Planet Paisley was, and from the sound of the scientist's laugh, he was sure he didn't want to know.

D
exter Goldstein sat in the captain's chair aboard Lucy, all alone and quiet. He stared at the buttons and lights on the pilot's console, trying to decide what he should do. His friends were probably running around the universe looking for each other, but after spending a couple of days in outer space, Dexter knew he wasn't cut out for space-faring. He'd had enough adventure.

Jacob and Dexter were both only children and didn't have any brothers or sisters, but they had known each other since they were babies. Or more accurately, even before they were babies because their moms liked to go shopping for baby supplies together before they were both born. Dexter liked to imagine that he and Jacob had learned their shared hatred of shopping based on those prenatal experiences.

Dexter thought back to the time he and Sarah and Jacob had made a pact in the forest. That night, Jacob hadn't looked at all like the King of the School who picked football teams at recess and planned practical jokes that even made teachers laugh sometimes. Ever since his dad had left, Jacob still ruled the school, but Dexter could tell that something was different about him, even if he and Sarah were the only people who knew him well enough to notice.

Dexter remembered that he looked up at the sky when they all swore they would be there for one another always, and the stars felt so far away, just flaming balls of gas that somehow cast a few random rays of light down on Earth at night. Nothing to get excited about. Yet he knew that Jacob really needed him. It was around that time when Dexter's mom started warning him about his best friend, telling Dexter that he had to stand up for himself, that just because Jacob told him to do something it didn't mean that he had to do it. She said Dexter had to be responsible for them both because Jacob wasn't in a frame of mind to be making positive choices.

At the time Dexter had thought he knew one thing: Jacob really was his brother. They may have had different moms and dads, and in fact Dexter's parents were vaguely terrified of Jacob, but they looked out for each other, they understood each other, and they would have defended each other to the end.

Now his brother had betrayed him. Jacob had landed him in detention yet again, he had bullied him on Numonia, and he wouldn't even listen to him when he went charging off into the museum. He wondered if it really was possible for a brother to act the way he did, and he thought that maybe the stars weren't strong enough to swear on. They couldn't replace blood and family.

Dexter was tired and scared, and he didn't even know the first thing about how to find Jacob and Sarah on some random planet full of crazy scientists. He wanted his parents. He wanted to be at home, where his sock drawer was perfectly organized, where he knew that they would have arugula and goat cheese salad for dinner on Monday and veggie pizza on Friday, and where he had the cleanest aquarium and the healthiest tropical fish anyone had ever seen.

He decided that Jacob and Sarah would have to take care of themselves for a while. He was out of his league. His parents would know what to do, and he needed to find them to get help. He had to see if they were okay. Even if it meant leaving his brother behind.

With a shaky voice, Dexter shouted, “Lucy! Take me back to the space kapow.”

Lucy groaned and said, “Little man, I don't think that's such a—”

“Do it!” Dexter yelled.

Lucy was quiet for a moment, then said, “Very well.”

As the ship rocketed off Planet Archimedes, Dexter tried to look back for some sign of his friends. But as the planet receded into the distance, he was all alone.

S
arah Daisy and Mick Cracken were trapped in the princess' quarters with a soldier stationed outside the room at all times. The royal guard had taken command of Praiseworthy, and they were headed to the royal planet for a reckoning with Mick's father, who, Sarah suddenly realized, was obviously the king.

“You're really a prince?!” she whispered furiously.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“You're prince of the whole galaxy?”

“Well . . . technically the universe. We've never really found a rival royal family who has challenged us. It's terrible. I hate it more than anything.”

Sarah was skeptical and she waited for Mick to laugh, but when he wouldn't look at her, she gathered that he was serious. His shoulders were slumped, his lips were pressed together, and he seemed utterly depressed.

“Why didn't you tell me? And what in the heck is wrong with being a prince?”

“It's not fair! Why should I have to wear a crown and sit on a stupid chair and be waited on hand and foot when all I want to do is go and steal things and have fun? And it's completely corrupt! I believe that rulers should be elected by the people, and in fact, if I had my way I would do away with the whole thing entirely. Democracy!” Mick smacked his fist against his palm for emphasis.

Sarah looked around at the dainty pink room. “So, wait. Praiseworthy is your sister's spaceship? You stole this from your sister?”

Mick sighed. “Don't even get me started on Mistress Silver Spoon.”

Sarah looked up at the ceiling, still not knowing whether to really believe it all. “Is this true, Praiseworthy?”

“Oh dear heavens, Mistress Daisy, it is dreadfully true, and I share Master Cracken's dismay that we have been captured. The adventures we might have had together! Although I must say, Mistress Silver Spoon is quite a lovely young lady, and—”

“No she's not!” Mick shouted. “She's horrible and spoiled and conniving and she doesn't appreciate anything!”

“Oh, dear me,” Praiseworthy said.

Sarah looked over at Mick, who was staring at the ground, his knees tucked under his chin. His black hair was swept messily into his face and his eyes lacked the spirit of danger and excitement they'd had just a few days ago. Even though nearly everything that she had heard come out of his mouth had been a lie, he seemed rather genuinely devastated about being captured, and she couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.

She swallowed her anger and decided she could be nice to him in this instance. She could be the bigger person. She reached over and tried to pat Mick on the back, but he scooted away out of her grasp.

“No! Not you too!” Mick shouted, his eyes cold.

“What did I do?”

“You're just like everyone else,” he sneered.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“You hated me when I was a pirate and now that you find out I'm a prince, you start acting nice to me? No way. You're just like all of the friends my dad tried to find for me. I'd rather be alone.”