Japanese Slang (27 page)

•   
Atashi kare no mameyakamono ga pantsu no naka de dekaku naru no wakatchatta.
I could tell his robust individual was getting hard in his pants.

At the other end of the bar there is a group of lively students, whose hair is tightly permed and dread-locked. Their new bellbottomed jeans are very wide, with many little bright patches carefully handsewn onto where the fabric might one day tear. Some are wearing Nigerian skull caps, others tall and colorful Jamaican wool hats. These are the
burazazoku
(brother gang), also known as
burakkuzoku
(black gang), and
bobii-kun
(little Mr. Bobby-men, after the musician Bobby Brown). These gangs slavishly disguise themselves as African Americans, thread their language with as much English as possible, and hang out in wrecked neighborhood dives, where they keep to themselves and pretend they are in an
ruburakku
(all
black) bar somewhere deep in New York. Their speech is speckled with tilted expletives such as
sanadabichi
(son of the bitch),
shittoman
(shit man), and
maz
fakingu
(mother fucking). When asked for a list of the coolest scene words for “penis,” they recite the strings of quasi-American words popular in Tokyo's progressive inner-city high schools and colleges. The first word to jump up is
burakkujakku
(black jack), along with
burakkubatto
(black bat). These are strong and elephantine organs. Other powerful Tokyo-American words are
sukury
(screw),
pisuton
(piston),
magunamu
(magnum), and
b
ringu
(“boring,” the Japanese for boring machine or drill). The erudite
farosu
(phallus) and the earthy
kokku
(cock) are also used. When a penis is exceptionally gifted it is called
ch
ji
(battery charge), and if it is not it is called a
moderugan
(model gun)—it might look like a lethal weapon but it is quite harmless. The smallest penises are called
p
k
(Parker), after the pen.

The single most diehard student word for penis has been
emu,
the initial “M.” During the late nineteenth century, in the Meiji period, when Japan for the first time opened up to the West, students discovered the Latin alphabet and quickly put all its letters to trendy slang use.
Esu,
(S) came to mean “pretty,” from the German word
schoen; bii,
stood for “back” as in ass, and a pert combination like
bii esu
(BS) stood for
back schoen
(nice ass). The single favorite fin-de-siecle letter, however, was “M,” short for the intriguing and contorted
menburumu biriirisu
(membrum virilis). For decades the protracted Latin word was the rage. Everyone knew it but no one could pronounce it, until one day the word lost its novelty and the students began using “M” for the more circumspect “member”
(as in male member). Later “M” came to represent the earthier
mara
(penis), and in today's colleges the euphemistic
mono
(thing) and
musuko
(son).

•   
Ano ko kangaeteru koto to ittara burakkujakku no koto bakari!
All that girl is interested in is black jack!

•   
Aitsu no sukury
wa dore gurai
kii?
How big is his screw?

•   
Aitsu kane haratta to shite m
,atashi moderugan nanka sawaru monka!
I wouldn't touch his model gun if you paid me!

•   
Ore no emu biichi ni ittara dekaku natchimatta! Hazukashikatta, mina jirojiro mita!
At the beach my “M” got hard! I was so embarrassed, everyone was staring!

5
Urban Vaginas

WESTERNERS LIVING in Japan often complain that Japanese friends, business associates, and acquaintances go out of their way to shield them from
warui kotoba
(bad words). The sexier the words, the stronger the shield. When the foreigner finally asks, “Excuse me, how do you say ‘vagina' in Japanese?” even the trendiest Tokyoites will goggle, turn red, and splutter, “we never say such things in Japanese.” But after five or six rounds of drinks the barriers of linguistic propriety begin to crumble.
“Asoko
(over there) is the word you're looking for,” the foreign guest is told.
“Kanojo no asoko,
her ‘over there', is what we say. But don't ever use it!”

After a few more drinks, the medical term
chitsu
is bounced about, followed by the dictionary entry
joseiki
(female instrument), after which the subject is changed.

At this point, foreigners who wish to pursue the matter further must stalk words through back streets and dark alleys. They must trudge through slums, through fish markets, past rows and rows of noisy street-vendor stalls; they must follow dump trucks on their rounds, hang out at shady local bars, buy hoodlums
drinks, and then footslog from high school yard to youth center, from video arcade to
yakitori
grill to pachinko parlor.

As the tourists penetrate deeper into the street scene, they realize that each clique has its own specialized words, particularly when it comes to sexual organs. Trendy highschoolers favor clever puns, naughty college students prefer foreign words, the motorcycle gang likes the tough traditional words of the local mob, and the local mob has its own proud roster of historic expressions that often date back centuries to Edo period speech. Among downtown musicians, for instance, one of the more popular words for vagina is
kiig
,
an inversion of
gakki
(musical instrument).

•   
N
, anta no kiig
hikit
!
Ooh, would I like to pluck your instrument!

•   
Aitsu no kiig
wa itsumo jitojito da ze!
Her instrument is always wet and ready!

The fishmongers of Tokyo's Tsukiji market favor
suji,
as in “muscle” or “sinew.” The prostitutes of the soapland bathhouses call their organs
kanebako
(money box). Even Buddhist priests have a private and sacrilegious slang all their own. A deep vagina, for instance, is called
saiijintai
(the ultimate depth), while a
s
shiki manj
,
a funeral bun (uncommonly wide when compared to regular buns) is used for extremely large vaginas. A
manibachi
(clerical pot) is a Buddhist nun's organ. As with all tight-knit slang groups, one must be an insider in order to follow the Buddhist's rap.

•   
Sazanami ni wa chigainai ga, genkan de isha to b
zu ga matteta no sa.
Even though the waves were rippled, both doctor and priest were waiting at her gate.
(Even though her face was all wrinkled, both my finger and my penis were ready to enter her vagina.)

The four most popular rude words for vagina in Japan are
omanko
in central and northern Japan,
omeko
in central and southern Japan,
bebe
in the north, and
bobo
in the south. As one begins mingling with different sets of people, these staple words start falling by the wayside. In school yards,
omanko
is transformed by tough girls into
miiman,
with “me” (as in myself) joined to the
man
of
omanko.

•   
Iikagen ni shite yo! Miiman sawaranaide!
Cut the crap! Don't touch my twat!

•   
Biichi ni iku to miiman ni suna ga ippai hairu kara, iya nan da yo na.
What I hate about going to the beach is that I get sand up my twat.

When even rougher teenage girls wish to casually chat about vaginas they will use
omanman, omunmun,
and
omonmon,
while their more refined peers prefer the dubious expressions
wareme
(crack) and
waremechan,
(little Miss Crack). Both terms are comfortably used by teachers in sex education classes throughout Japan.

With-it school speech is full of English expressions and secret codes. “HT,” short for “half think,” means
you love someone but he or she totally ignores you. An “FM” is a “fuck mate,” an “HB” a “homo boy,” and an “F” a “feminine” —what American MTV might call a dazzler or a babe. Most of the hottest 1990s' words for the female organ are of English extraction:
r
zu
(rose),
kan
(canoe),
biib
(beaver),
kurebasu
(crevice), and even
kur
t
(crater) are rampant in fashionable school yards.