Japanese Slang (47 page)

A lousy referee who has a history of letting games go awry is called
bonan
(dark tray).

•   
Ano bonan ama da na! Kin
mo kizagoro ga koko de okottan da ze!
That manager's a real half ass! Yesterday there was another blowup!

(Ama
is short for
amachua,
“amateur,” and
kizagoro
refers to fighting with bits of broken glass.)

An illegal parlor worth its mettle has its stable of watchmen, who are known as
uyu
or
uwa.
The
dench
(electric pole) and
bandachi
(standing watch) hang out on the street corner;
sotoban
(outside watch) guards the front door, and
hashigoban
(stair watch) guards the stairs. In the old-fashioned two-floor clubs, the senior watchman outside the parlor door is
nikaiban
(second-floor watch). If there is a raid, he and the
hashigoban
(stair watch) divert the officers long enough to let the gamblers make a getaway.

In the 1990s, the Japanese government launched a series of massive anti-mob campaigns that have forced the large Yakuza clans to curb some of their activities and step back into the shadows. There has subsequently been a trend called
naikai
(inside openings), with secret clubs being launched on a clan's territory without permission from the local boss and without the customary payola. The new-age gambling chieftain opens a whole line of these shops, leaving the work to assistants and partners. He is the
kasuri
(percentage maker), who commutes between parlors, collecting his percentages. These new places are called
shiki
(from
yashiki,
“premises”), and they operate in a way that dodges both the law and the underworld. This is called
shiromukku tekka
(banging in a white bridal gown).

9
Japanese Monkspeak

AMONG THE slang, jargon, and criminal lingoes that flourish on Japanese street corners, the boisterous X-rated language of the Buddhist clergy is by far the liveliest and most risqué. When Buddhist priests chatter among themselves, uninitiated eavesdroppers are left completely in the dark. Cryptic religious allusions, tilted metaphors, naughty classical puns, and words lifted from ancient texts leave even the most gifted Japanese slangmasters baffled.

•   ” What? You saw our venerable Buddha at the transformed palace?”
“Yes, what a tunnel! It was only noon and he was already stock-still in heaven! He was handing over his eyes to a hell goblin!”
“What? In broad daylight? The fried beans have flowered!”

This might be decoded as:

•   “What? You saw our elderly Brother at the massage parlor?”
“Yes, what an idiot! It was only noon, and he was
already drunk out of his mind! He was handing over his cash to a masseuse!”
“What? In broad daylight? I don't believe it!

The Japanese man or woman in the street would be scandalized to learn that venerable and ancient sects like the eight hundred-year-old Nichiren would have such a highly developed private slang. The priests maintain that without their lingo modern communication would grind to a halt. Buddhist doctrine insists that priests renounce all worldly habits, eat simple rice dishes, meditate, fervently chant lengthy sutras, and in every way follow in the footsteps of the Buddha. Modern priests, however, are no longer always celibate; some even marry, eat meat, and occasionally enjoy a sinful drink or two. Elderly religious leaders disapprove of modern secular trends, and desperate priests who wish to discuss anything from a simple pork chop to a multiple orgasm are forced to resort to code.

The priestly jargon is the oldest form of slang spoken in Japan today. Some of its words have been bandied about in monasteries since the Nara period (710-794 A.D.), when Buddhism struck firm roots throughout Japan. In the early days, pious priests initiated this slang by inventing pious euphemisms so as not to taint the inner sanctum with jarring worldly words. Whipping came to be called
nazu
(caressing), tears
shiotaru
(dropping salt), money
moku
(eyes), testicles
ry
gyaku
(spiritual globes), and restrooms
kishisho
(place of truth). Death, the ancient priests felt, was a particularly inelegant subject for discussion in a temple. Some of the pre-medieval euphemisms are still used by priests today:
agaru
(to
rise),
tonzetsu
(abrupt termination), and
tsuchi ni naru
(becoming earth). The dead were referred to obliquely as
naorimono
(healed individuals) and
geshibutsu
(those transposed to Buddhahood), and cemeteries became
tsuchimura
(villages of earth). Suicide was dubbed
hishi
(untimely death) and, for the embarrassing occasion when a priest took his own life, his sect brothers would skirt reality with a quick
jigefutsu,
or “he turned himself into a Buddha.”

As the private jargon took root the priests became more playful. If a priest, for instance, experienced an unexpected erection, his brothers would squeal a taunting
kotsuen hokki,
“sudden enlightenment” (a zesty pun on
kotsuen bokki,
“sudden erection”). Diarrhea was jocosely referred to as
rosetsu
(leaking garbage). A hemorrhoid flareup was called
akuhitsu
(bad handwriting), since
ji ga warui
can mean both “my Chinese characters are bad” and “my hemorrhoids are bad.”
K
k
jakujaku
(empty-empty sad-sad) came to mean that the priest had spent all his money on worldly goods and was now flat broke (i.e., his wallet is totally empty and he is totally sad). The secret monastic word for kissing became
kuan
(mouth relaxation).

•   
Y
, washi wa kirei na anna o mita dake de—kotsuen hokki!
You know, when I see a beautiful woman—sudden enlightenment!

•   
Ya sore otaberu to, itsumo rosetsu oshichatte dame nan desu yo.
When I eat that stuff, I always get the runs.

•   
H
, mattaku! Ky
wa kono akuhitsu no sei de, suwar
ya shinai yo.
Man! My handwriting is so bad today, I can barely sit down.

•   
K
k
jakujaku de tabemono mo roku ni nai.
I'm so broke I can't even pay for food.