Jar of Hearts (Glow sequel) (10 page)

“Not a wink,” she turned around and smiled at me, walking to the other chair.  I could tell that she hadn't as her eyes were very swollen. She sat down ever so graciously in her gray blouse, black slacks, and heels crossing her legs and sipping on her coffee.

“Something is on your mind,” I stated. The way she wouldn't really look at me, and just stared off into scenery told me that something was definitely bothering her.

She smirked, still staring out at the city. “Ethan,”

“What is it?” I sat forward and grabbed her hand from the table. I placed a soft kiss on the back of her hand.

“I can't do this to you,” she said quietly. I almost couldn't hear her.

“You can't do what?” I kissed the back of her hand again.

“This...” she looked at me, gesturing her finger back and forth between us. “you and me,”

“I don't expect you to confess your undying love for me or anything, Maria. I will give you all the time you need to figure out what it is that you want,”

She shook her head lightly. “Vanessa was right. I am not a good person, I'm not,” she started to cry.

I set my coffee down, then dropped to my knees at her legs. I ran my hand down her cheek. “Look at me,”

“Why?” she cried, moving her head away from my hand. “I am not what you want in your life, Ethan,”

“You are,” I grabbed her face with both of my hands, her eyes stayed closed as she cried. “It doesn't matter what my sister said, or what anyone else will say. I see you as a beautiful, confident, kind, smart, funny woman... and I can also see that you are scared. You don't understand exactly what it is you feel or why, and that's okay, Maria. I want to show you...” I kissed her forehead. “let me show you,”

She shook her head, pushing me away from her lightly as she stood up from her chair. “I grew up in a home with an incredibly confused mother who didn't know which way the door was going to swing. She had a failed marriage after failed marriage. Five of them, Ethan. Five! I watched my mother cry, beg, and plead with these guys to stay. She would always beg of them to tell her why they were leaving... you know what they would say?”

I shook my head.

She cried harder. “Me, because of me...” she sobbed, holding her hand across her stomach. “My entire life I was blamed for my mothers bad marriages,”

“Her divorces had nothing to do with you, it was the men she chose to have in her life who more than likely had their own reasons. She blamed you for the divorces because there was no one and nothing else to blame it on but herself,”

“But, you have a choice, Ethan,” she wiped the tears from her cheeks. “You have the choice to not let me ruin yours. Look what I caused in the three days you have been at your sister's. She even thinks I am going to fuck your life up.” she took a step back. “I know the best thing to do is be alone, so then the only person I have to ruin is myself,” she quickly turned and walked into the room.

It all made sense to me now why she feels the way she does about men and relationships. She was not only scared of following in her mothers footsteps, but she was worried about her ruining other peoples lives. Why that God awful woman of a mother she has would put it in her head that the divorces were over her own daughter is ridiculous. It is serious mental and emotional abuse.

“Maria,” I took a few steps toward the slider and when I got one foot in, the door shut behind her.

I ran through the room and out the door, jogging down the hall catching up to her at the elevator. “Maria, wait!”

She stepped into the elevator, I got in right behind her with a mere second until the door closed behind me. “It's all I wanted to do...” I grabbed her elbow, turning her to face me. “was show you that I would never leave you,”

For the first time in my life, I felt as though I needed someone other than oxygen to breathe. I tried to take a deep breath when no longer would my lungs inflate without hindrance.  A part of me knew as she stood before me with each tear she shed full of remorse and regret, that she undoubtedly was about to take a huge part of me and toss it into her jar of hearts without allowing it to beat freely once more. She parted her lips to speak, I shook my head not wanting to hear the earth shattering words. I wanted nothing more than to give her what she wants and I care far too much for her to let her forcefully push each noxious syllable from her mouth. I touched the soft, flushed skin of her cheek with my fingertips allowing myself one more touch. I quickly pressed my mouth to hers, allowing one more taste. I let the kiss linger until the elevator door chimed open. I pulled away, staring into her brown eyes for only a moment until I backed out of the elevator. Ignorant guests bumped into my shoulders without so much as an “Excuse me,”.  The doors to the elevator closed, and the jar closing with them was absolute. I was left to myself in the lobby, standing there as I let my eyes close. The sounds of heels clicking along the white tiled floors and the voices of those on their cell phones were only a distant hum. All I could hear was the broken beats my heart made, echoing erratically in my ears.

I wanted to wait knowing she was going to come back down to the lobby after the initial impact of my silent goodbye wore off. I was hoping that maybe if I did stay, she would tell me how she truly felt spite what her mother has forever imbedded in her mind. But I knew, it was only a hope as my aching heart was trying to mend what only Maria can fix.

Chapter Seven

Maria

              “Maria, wait!” I could hear Ethan's voice from behind me as I pushed my heels faster toward the elevator.

Seeing the hurt on his face as I told him I refused to ruin his life and that I was better off alone was enough to have me running. I couldn't bare to see the sorrow upon his handsome face. In such a short time as it was, I managed to ruin someone so perfect.

I knew he was right behind as I took my second step into the elevator, I could smell him and feel his heat on my back. He grabbed my elbow and spun me around to face him as the doors closed, sealing us both inside.

“It's all I wanted to do...” he paused, swallowing hard. “was to show you that I would never leave you,”

I felt my tears heat running down my cheeks, I wanted to tell him that I wanted to trust him and that a part of me already did. Even though I knew that a disaster such as myself didn't deserve someone like Ethan, I still secretly longed for my happily ever after just like every other princess in the world searching for her prince. However, I am just a little bit more fucked up and more like the villain in my own run down version of a fairytale. 

I opened my mouth to speak when he shook his head letting me know that he he would rather me not. I closed my lips as his hand reached up to touch my cheek, I closed my eyes. My lips were tingling as he gently kissed them. The feeling of goodbye was behind his kiss, he made his choice. I couldn't say that I blamed him as I was one confused mess that he didn't want to be a part of.

The elevator doors chimed open leaving my lips suddenly feeling cold from his absence. The tingling no more than a reminder of what I will never feel again. I watched him back out of the elevator, staring his goodbye right down into my broken and somewhat twisted soul. Guests of the hotel brushed my shoulders as they entered into the elevator, I couldn't move. I wanted to run out of the elevator and into his arms, beg him to not go. But, I couldn't as it was no longer my choice. He chose to tell me goodbye instead of tell me that he was going to stay regardless of my hang-ups. It was what he had wanted, and not what it is that he wants now.

The doors closed, and I slowly raised my hand. My fingers moving on their own. “Goodbye,” I whispered to myself. Lost in my own demise, I ignored the chit chatter and arms bumping into me as I stood there. I felt cold and incredibly alone.

~

“Vanessa Montello's office,” I answered the phone with my chin in my hand. I haven't seen Ethan at all today, but I knew he was here. The ladies walking up and down the hall talking about his perfect body in his red, white and blue swim trunks made me want to throw up the breakfast and lunch that I didn't eat. “Please hold,” I hit the transfer button.

Vanessa didn't say but two words to me this morning... “Any emails?” was it. I handed her the printed sheets as my eyes stayed on the stack of papers across the top of my desk. Truthfully, I didn't have anything to say to her. I was trying to get used to the feelings I had for Ethan when she had to give her two cents and have my mind twirling a million miles an hour with the realization that I am no good for her brother.

“Good afternoon, Miss. Anderson,” Ellen stood before my desk in her black and white pinstripe pant suit. Her back was straight as a rod, and her sleek black hair in a tight bun reminding me of an up tight English version of Mommy Dearest. 

“Hello, Ellen. What can I do for you?” I asked her with a smile, trying to mask my severe depression.

“Would you go downstairs and get Ethan Montello, please? I need to discuss a few things with him and Vanessa regarding the July issue,”

After what happened with Ethan last night and this morning, the last thing I wanted was to see him face to face. I would much rather avoid him like the plague. “Y-yes, absolutely,” I stood from my chair and straightened my dress and took off down the hallway toward the elevator.

The ride down to the ground floor seemed to take way too long. I needed to get him to Vanessa's office and the hell away from me, pronto. The doors opened and four woman wearing red, white, blue, and silver bikinis with stars and stripes went walking past me talking about how sexy Ethan is. Blah.

I walked closer to the door that led to the photo shoot, I stopped to straighten my dress yet again, touching up my curls with my shaky hands, and cleared my throat. I went to grab the doorknob at the same time the door swung open, hitting me on the forehead and knocking me to my ass.

“Holy shit,” Ethan quickly grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet. “Are you okay?”

I held my hand to my forehead, “I think so...” I winced at the goose egg throbbing beneath my palm. “it hurts,”

“Let me see it,” he grabbed my wrist bringing my hand down from my forehead. He pursed his lips. “We need to get you some ice,”

“No, Ellen wants to see you in Vanessa's office,” I touched the bump on my head again. “That's why I am down here,”

“Oh,” he looked rather disappointed at the reason I gave him. He chose to tell me goodbye, what else does he expect from me? I don't harass and follow men around like a lost puppy dog, hell no.

I went to walk away and my steps faltered, Ethan caught me in his arms. “I don't think you're okay, Maria,” his voice laced with concern as he looked at me.

“I'm fine,” I smacked his hands away from my hips. “I got it,”

“Okay,” he let go, gesturing for me to walk ahead.

I felt his eyes on me the entire walk to the elevator. I wanted to turn around and throw myself at him. I could still feel the tingle from his touch around my waist.

“What does Ellen want?” he asked, stepping into the elevator after me. He crossed his arms, standing next to me in red, white, and blue swimming trunks. I looked at him through the corner of my eye. His eight pack, and sex lines made my heart race and my core throb as I remember the way they felt beneath my fingertips, and the way they flexed as he worked his body above me. I let my eyes graze over his pecks, they twitched.

I laughed, “She probably wants to grab your ass,” Ellen was constantly all over our male models. It got rather annoying to watch her run her hands up and down their chests and grab their asses as the walked past her.

I saw Ethan's face turn slightly red, then he shifted his weight on his other foot. He was obviously slightly uncomfortable. “Oh, my God. She already has,” I was laughing harder now.

“Yup, and she told me to flex,” he smirked.

“Perverted old woman,” I rolled my eyes.

“How are things with Vanessa today?” he asked, looking over at me.

I shrugged. “I don't know. I've been trying to keep my distance from her as I really have nothing to say at this point,”

He nodded, dropping his chin to his chest as he walked out the open elevator doors and headed to Vanessa's office. He was walking fast and I walked slow so I didn't have to talk to him anymore, I didn't want to knowing after this mornings events that he didn't really want to talk to me either. It would do absolutely nothing for either of us.

I plopped down into my chair, pulling up my email when Tiffany from interviews walked past my desk in a cream colored blouse and black pencil skirt. Her long red curls swept across her back as she elegantly walked into Vanessa's office.

After clicking away on my emails and with the phones completely silent I played a few games of solitaire with the hopes of keeping what was happening in the office out of my mind.

“Busted!”

I jumped at the sound of Ben's voice. “Jesus Christ, Benjamin!” I placed my hand on my heart. “You scared the hell out of me,”

He smiled like the Cheshire Cat. “Vanessa told me that Ellen called a meeting, what's going on in there?” he nodded toward Vanessa's closed door.

I shrugged my shoulders. “I haven't got a clue. All I know is I am kicking ass at solitaire,” I kept my eyes on the cards moving the red ace of hearts in front of the black king of spades making the stacks come together and bounce across the screen wildly. “Yes!” I fist pumped the air.

“You okay?” he sat on top of my desk looking down at me.

“No, not really,” I leaned back in my chair and looked up at him. “I lost my best friend because I lied to her, and then the next morning I lost the only guy I have ever had a fraction of feelings for because I am a hot freaking mess. It's ridiculous. But, I can say that I am handling the rejection well,”

“Rejection?” Ben gave me a quizzical look.

“Ethan doesn't want to deal with my relationship issues and I can't say that I blame him in the least,” I started a new game of solitaire.

“I seriously doubt that,” he laughed. “I think you misunderstood your own conversation,”

“No, I didn't,” I nudged him with my elbow. “Get off of my desk,”

He ignored me and kept talking. “I know Vanessa feels seriously bad for the things she said and the issue she caused for you and Ethan,”

“There is no reason for her to feel bad, she was telling the truth and helped Ethan see that I am one giant lost cause,” I clicked out of the solitaire as Ben was a distraction and I already lost two games.

“Maria, you are not a lost cause. You just need someone who is willing to be patient with you until you can figure out what to do with your feelings and what they mean,”  he winked. “And I know that Ethan was willing to do more for you than just be patient. So, I still do not buy the garbage that he wants nothing to do with you,”

“Well, he made it clear,” I pursed my lips, staring up at Ben who had a smirk on his face that told me he still did not believe me. “Ugh, you are frustrating when you don't listen,” I shoved his hip with my hands. “Get. Off. My. Desk.” I huffed.

Ben finally slid off my desk while laughing taking a few papers with him. “Pick those up,” I pointed at the papers scattered beneath his black dress shoes while picking up the few that landed next to my chair. I heard Vanessa's door open.

Ben swiftly set the papers down on my desk and turned around to greet Ellen. “Good afternoon, Aunt Ellen,” I mouthed the words in sync with his as he said the same thing every time whether it be good morning, good afternoon, or if it were close to five, good evening. Kiss ass...

“I think we have a good thing going here, let's get on it before it heads to print tonight,” Ellen eyed Ben then me before strutting back down the hall towards her office.

“Hey, babe,” Ben planted a kiss on Vanessa's cheek as Tiffany and Ethan came following out of her office.

“You two can head on into the conference room next to my office,” she pointed to the door on her left.

Tiffany nodded. “Perfect,” she turned to Ethan who was staring at me. “So I was thinking we could start with a few questions...” her voice trailed off as she shut the door behind them.

The conference room was next door to Vanessa's office and the window was damn near the size of the entire wall which was facing my desk, just fabulous. I watched him take a seat in one of the gray rolling chairs at the other side of the table so he was facing me, he smirked. Tiffany sat down at the end of the table and was writing things down as Ethan talked and talked. They were laughing and when Ethan smiled his eyes were lighting up the way they do when he smiles at me. What were they talking about? Was she hitting on him, or was he hitting on her? He then said something making Tiffany roar with laughter, I could hear the muffled sound from the window. He moves on fast. I huffed, getting back to solitaire.

~

I stepped out of the cab at my hotel, thankful that the day was over. First thing is first, though...

“Hi, I need to switch credit cards. Please,” I smiled at the young man behind the counter. I looked around the lobby as I waited for him to pull my information. The last thing I wanted was for Ethan to pay for my room.

“Maria?” I hear from behind me. I knew this voice.