Jesse's Soul (2) (27 page)

“No, Jesse, I need to go finish up your bike. I’m fine.”

“Honey.”

“Jesse, if we’re going to work, you’re going to have to understand this is what it’s been like for over two years. I have to keep going. I am not going to just lie around all the time. That’s not me. I can’t just be idle. That’s too much time to think. Now please, help me up.”

Too much time to think.

Her words.

Oh my God.

That look. After Ally had asked about the tests, there was the most haunting look he’d ever seen in someone’s eyes. It had sent a chill up his spine as those green eyes pinned him for just the briefest of seconds before she lowered her head.

It was defeat.

He hadn’t understood right then, and the pace of night swept them all up and he’d forgotten about it. Until her words.

It was clear to him that she’d been putting up a front. But to protect him? At that moment, she thought he’d broken that barrier down and he would…what? Run?

Don’t run.

Oh my God. Molly’s words.

Jesse hadn’t put two and two together about how worried she was about the cancer returning. He’d been so focused on the immediate symptoms that he hadn’t clued into the bigger picture. Of course that was why she, Riley, and Reid were so scared. They’d been down this road before. For a man that raced a bike for a living, made lap after lap knowing one wrong move could put him in the hospital, or worse, he’d never been more scared than at that moment.

Holding his girlfriend in his arms, looking down at her pale, sweet face, he could sense her putting that wall back up right there in front of him. The struggle washing over her face as both fear and determination battled against each other, making her appear weak, her brow creasing in frustration. Emery wasn’t going to talk to him, she was pulling her armor back up to protect them both when all he wanted to do was be the one to take care of her for once. There were too many people around to argue, he knew that would get him nowhere. She hadn’t even opened her eyes yet, and she wanted to keep working. The need to keep moving and keep pretending, fully engaged.

“Okay, honey.” He pulled her hand to his lips, softly kissing her satin smooth skin. “I understand. I’m just worried and trying to help.”

“I know, Jesse, but it doesn’t help me when you try to make me rest. That just frustrates me. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to take this out on you. I’m just aggravated that I can’t do anything this weekend without getting dizzy, and now this passing out crap. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault, and I know you’re just trying to help.”

“It’s all right, baby, don’t apologize. I know you’re frustrated. Let’s get you up, okay?”

She nodded, and Jesse helped her to stand. She laid her head against his shoulder with her eyes closed. Letting a slow breath out, he gave a tight-lipped attempt at a smile for their family standing there as he stroked her hair, waiting for her to make the first move.

“Here, Kevin, let’s go out. She needs a second to catch her breath,” his Mom said.

“Thanks, Mom,” Jesse said, his words deliberately soft because of the headache he knew Emery had. “For everything.”

“Thank you, Janie,” Emery whispered again.

“You’re welcome, sweetie.”

“I’m going to go check on a couple of things, Em.” Reid patted his daughter’s back and walked out of the trailer.

“Hey, Rie.” Emery stopped her brother.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for coming. I couldn’t have gotten through this race without you.”

Jesse continued to rub her back as Riley smiled at his younger sister and leaned to kiss her head. “Em, you never have to thank me. That’s what I’m here for, you know that. You take your time. I’ll have Mike help me with Jesse’s bike. Then he and I will make sure everything else is all loaded properly.”

She just nodded to answer. Riley patted her back and walked out, leaving them alone.

“Jesse, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to snap at you. This isn’t your fault, and you’ve been nothing but kind and sweet. I’m so,
so sorry.”

“Oh, honey. Please don’t worry about that. I know you well enough to know I shouldn’t be trying to make you rest. You’re too stubborn.” He tried to joke with her, trying to make her feel better, and hoping like hell he was hiding his fear well enough. “You’re just my Irish girl.”

She let out a faint chuckle. “Did you really mean it earlier?”

“What’s that?”

“Um... Well… When you said…you loved me?”

“Emery, look at me.”

Jesse brought her chin up to see her face. He watched her blink a couple of times as she opened her eyes and could see the pain of the headache across her face. A heaviness settled in his chest, hating that she hurt so bad.

“Em,
yes, I love you. I love you so much. I love everything about you.”

“I love you too, Jesse,” Emery replied softly as she gazed up at Jesse, then wound her arms around his neck.

Jesse leaned in to kiss her softly, but she deepened it, sliding her tongue over his. She pulled him closer, and he matched her. He finally had to break away to catch his breath, moving to the skin of her neck with his mouth and tongue.

“Jesse,” she whispered as her head fe
ll to the side.

Jesse slid his hand down to her butt, pulling her closer. He wanted her to feel he was hard. Her sharp intake
of air made him greedy, taking possession of her neck.

“I want you too, Jesse.”

“Oh, God, Emery, I need you.” He swiftly pulled back as guilt slammed into him. “I’m sorry. Shit. I shouldn’t even have kissed you when I know you’re in pain.” He rested his forehead against hers, knowing any minute someone was going to walk in on them to check on her. The way they were both panting would immediately blow any pretense of them just talking out of the water, and he’d look like the jackass he felt like.

“This hurts worse than my head.” She opened her eyes to smile at him.

“What’s that, baby?”

“
This. This feeling. I want you right now, and there’s nothing we can do about it until your family leaves and we can go to bed. I need you so bad it hurts, Jesse.”

“I love you, Emery.”

“Because I want you?”

“Yes. Because you want me, because you tell me you need me. You have no idea how much I needed you when you came into my life. I love you so much.” Jesse focused on calming his body, and the pain fr
om his need subsided a little. “Wow, that does hurt something terrible, doesn’t it? Wanting you so bad I could rip your clothes off, but I can’t do anything but stand here trying to control myself.”

“You’re telling me.” Emery swallowed. “You have no idea what you do to me. It’s torture.”

“Oh girl, I have a damn good idea what it feels like.” He replied, running one of her hands over his crotch to prove his point.

She smiled up at him, running her
other fingers down his jaw. “I like the way you raise my blood pressure a whole lot better than the way my dad does it.”

“What do you mean?”

“He just tries to piss me off.”

A hint of something wicked and dirty played across her face. That one naughty grin lifted the weight off his chest that had
fallen on him, the one that had gotten heavier with each struggle she went through over the last few hours.

“I’d much rather be turned on than pissed off.”

“You know he does that on purpose?” Jesse grinned, thinking that Reid’s secret weapon wasn’t so secret after all.

“Oh, babe, I figured that one out a long time ago. He’s not as smart as he thinks he is.”

“So how come you let him do it?”

“Because he loves me.”

How had he found such an amazing girl? After everything she’d been through, here she was, allowing her dad to feel as if he was taking care of her when she’d known his game all along.

“Yes
, he does. And so does Riley,” he said.

“Yeah.” A wistful expression tugged at her mouth.

“And so do I.”

“I love you, too, Jesse. So much. Thank you for taking such great care of me, even when I fight you.”

“Like I said, you’re my Irish girl. You’ll always fight me. But that’s okay.” Jesse winked at her.

“How you feeling?”

“Still hurting.”

“Your head?”

“Well, that’s one place.” She rolled her eyes. “I think the only way to quit hurting is if you’re out of my sight.”

“Well, baby, get used to hurting then, because I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned in an
d kissed her softly on the lips and then placed one light kiss on her neck. The skin there was so soft. He ran his nose along it, drinking in the bit of perfume that lingered.

He put his palm to her heart and could feel it racing again. “You’re mine, girl. Always.”

Emery nodded and whispered, “Always.”

Chapter Thirteen

Outside of Aubrey, off the gravel road was a long pear-tree lined drive that wound up to the white farmhouse. It was complete with a large wrap-around porch and a porch swing just like every farmhouse should have. Emery could tell by his sighs and gasps that Jesse had immediately fallen in love with it. The twenty acres were beautifully landscaped, and the
entire property was breathtaking. Her favorite part of it, though, had to be the way the stained-glass window reflected onto the wood floor in the kitchen and lit up the room. She still loved seeing the colors dance around the room with the afternoon sun.

“This house is gorgeous. And I love your land. It’s beautiful here,” Jesse said as they walked in to the kitchen where Emery had been raised. “Oh, wow, this is huge.”

“We always hang out in the kitchen when we’re home. We used to have riders in and out of here all the time when Riley and I were growing up. This kitchen was a necessity.”

There wasn’t a truer statement. Located about an hour from
Oklahoma City, on a secluded piece of property with a difficult track, their home had been a busy place between races.

The good old days.

“Well, it’s really beautiful. It feels like you’re home when you walk in.”

“Thanks, I tried.”

“You decorated it?”

“Yeah,
redecorated. Mostly. Lauren helped me when she could. Dad thought it needed it. In all honesty, Lauren and I both knew he was just trying to keep me busy, keep my mind occupied.”

“Well, it worked, I love it. You’re something else.”

“I’ve got good taste. What can I say?” Emery shrugged, faking snootiness, but gave up with a tired chuckle. Running her fingers over the cold granite, it felt strange, yet peaceful to have him there. She never imagined she’d bring another man to this house.

“Come here.” Jesse crossed to her.

She had been leaning against the giant island in the middle of the kitchen, and she watched as he approached. He really was gorgeous, the smile sweet was reaching the corners of his eyes, but she knew under his clothes he was deliciously sinful. A true contradiction.

She sighed when he ran his hand up to her face and tucked her hair behind her ear. He stared down at her as his hand slid behind her neck to pull her lips to his. His other hand went to her hip and he tugged her body close to him. He kissed her softly then let it go to look at her again.

Emery offered him a coy grin. “You want to see the bedroom I grew up in?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but took his hand and led him up the staircase off the kitchen. She opened the door for him. “I’ve never had a boy in my room before.”

She was totally teasing and feigning the innocence of a young girl, complete with biting her lip and batting her eyes at him.

Jesse kissed her cheek. “I’m not a boy.” He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“You know what I mean. I’ve never had a
man
in my room.”

He looked straight at her, or through her…asking. Emery rolled her eyes as a disgusted shiver ran over her, then curled her lip. “He doesn’t count.
And no—not in my bed.”

“Just teasing you, honey. In my book, he doesn’t qualify as a man anyway.” Jesse winked at her then started to walk around the room.

“Well, we can both agree on that,” she replied, her voice flat.

She had completely redecorated it after she’d finished all her treatments. Another one of her dad’s attempts to pull her back into the light. There weren’t any remnants of her as a teenaged girl, and Jesse almost seemed disappointed. He had probably been excited to get a glimpse of the girl whose treasures had long ago been packed away.

Now that she thought about it, Emery wondered what his room at his parents’ house looked like. She knew he stayed there during the few breaks he got a year, since having his own place would be a bigger hassle than it was worth.

She could picture it. Plaid blanket, blue walls, posters of his favorite riders covering the walls, with the posters of the girls posing on bikes behind the door where Janie wouldn’t see them. Chuckling to herself, she made a mental note to ask him about it sometime. See if it still looked like a horny teen’s room or if his mother had wiped away all his evidence.

Emery sat perched on the arm of the upholstered chair in the corner, watching him make his way around, pausing at every picture hanging on her walls and taking even more time with the frames that filled the top of her dresser. Then he stopped to look out the window over their property. He was leaning against the window frame, and she noticed he had gotten very quiet all of a sudden.

Emery walked up behind him and slid her arms around his waist. “What’s wrong, honey?” She was nervous and suddenly unsure of what he’d say.

He didn’t answer at first. Instead, he pulled her arms around him tighter and pulled in a deep breath. “I’m okay, baby.”

A wave of chills spread across her skin. There was too much hesitation in his response, it was a blow-off answer and her heart rate spiked. She couldn’t claim to have worldly experience when it came it men, but she had as much as most women. He had tensed up, something had set him off
, and if she was a good girlfriend, she’d go fishing.

Over the last few weeks, he’d said all the right words. Done everything right, made her feel loved. There was a piece of her, though, that was petrified that maybe he’d finally realized she wasn’t worth it.

Her cheek rested against his shoulder blade. Pushing that fear back down, she spoke softly across his back. “No, you’re not. Something is bothering you.” She kissed him through the soft fabric of his shirt.

He turned around in her arms and cupped her face, kissing her so fiercely, it took her breath away. She broke the kiss and let her head fall to the side so he could continue the kiss on the skin of her neck.

“I need you, Em.”

“Okay, Jess,” she whispered.

“No, I need you, Emery. I need you to be okay.” Jesse grabbed her possessively and held her tight against his chest.

Emery’s heart fell from the place it had jumped to in her throat, straight to her stomach. She knew what he meant by his words. It was the one thing she couldn’t promise him, no matter how desperately she wanted to. She had fallen so fast and so hard for this man. He was everything she’d ever wanted and more. He had been by her side every day and every night, asking for nothing. Until now.

“I’m so sorry. It just hit me. I saw the picture of Riley and your dad with you in the hospital and, just being here—the whole reason why we are here hit me. I’m sorry, I know you have to be scared, but I just…I love you so much. I need you, Em.”

Jesse let go to pull her chin up to his. She tried to keep it in, but the tears started on their own. They spilled out and rolled down her face.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m so sorry, don’t cry, Em. I know you’re scared.” He kissed her lips, then her cheek, and pulled her close again. “It’s going to be okay, don’t be scared. I’ve got you.”

Seeing him in pain, knowing she caused this hurt, made the tears come faster. He had wanted to be with her, he heard the words when she told him about the cancer, and he’d stayed. But at what price?

He rubbed her back softly. “Shh. I’ve got you honey. I won’t let anything happen. Shh.”

She hadn’t allowed anyone to see her like this before. Emery never broke down in front of her father or Riley. Her tears were always private, her fears never voiced.

Emery inched away so she could look up at the man holding her. Seeing his soft brown eyes look at her with so much love, having him try to comfort her, the two of them trying to comfort each other, was overwhelming. The smile tugged at her lips, but that was it as she leaned in and kissed his heart.

His muscles bunched and flexed under her lips as he rubbed her back. His cologne encircled her, and she hated herself for being so selfish. For wanting the man offering her the world when she didn’t know if she could give him tomorrow.

She had no idea what the tests were going to show, and for now, she just wanted to be with him. “Jesse.”

Jesse brought her face to his again with his finger. “Yeah?”

“Make love to me,” she whispered, running her palm up to his jaw, stroking his whiskers.

He leaned into it and closed his eyes. “I love when you do that.”

“What’s that?”

“Your hand on my face. It feels amazing.”

“I like to feel your whiskers. Your shadow always turns me on. You’re a gorgeous man.”

“I don’t know about that, but I like it when you do it. It feels intimate.”

“You do know you’re gorgeous. And you do like intimate gestures. I’ve noticed.”

“You have, huh?”

“Yeah.” She pressed another kiss to his heart and heard the faint catch. “See, like that.”

“You’re right, honey. I do.” Once again, he pulled her chin up with a finger then tucked her hair behind her ear with his other hand. He brushed her bangs from her forehead, checking the bandage, then placed a light kiss over it.

“See? Again.”

“You’re something else, Em. I love that you respond to me so much…even little things like this.”

He was letting her take the lead. She ran her hands over his chest and to the hem of his t-shirt. She slid them under to push the shirt up. Jesse helped her get it off, and she trailed her fingers across bare skin, placing kisses over his muscles. He closed his eyes, and his hands lightly touched her shoulders. Emery kissed his heart once more and laid her cheek against it to listen to it beating.

She tried to be strong all the time, but in his arms she felt at peace and the need to act like she felt fine disappeared. Feeling his skin beneath her, the strength of his arms around her washed away the rest of the world.

He brought her lips to his and took over. “I’ve got you baby, it’ll all be okay,” he whispered sweetly as he slowly slid her t-shirt over her head. “We’ll get through this together, everything will be all right.”

She so desperately wanted him to be right.

The tip of his finger traced over the swells just above the lace of her bra. He whispered to her, comforting her as he slowly undressed her down to her bra and panties. Jesse took her hand and led her to her bed, pulling back the covers. His hands caressed up her back to the clasp of her bra, and he slipped the straps from her shoulders.

Cool air brushed across her skin.

“You are so beautiful, Emery. Do you have any idea?”

He tucked her in bed. She watched as he took off his jeans, leaving him in just his boxers. Slowly
, he climbed in the bed beside her, covering them both with the fluffy down comforter. His warmth swept over her as he pulled her close and pressed his lips to hers.

Emery ran one hand over his shoulder and arm, but the other was on his heart and hadn’t moved.

He placed his hand over the one that was holding his heart. His voice was ragged. “I love you, Em.”

Emery looked in his eyes while tears filled in hers. “I love you, too, Jesse.”

She had held in these feelings for so long. Having to be strong for her father and Riley, trying to not be scared, and trying to hold it all together. When she was on the other side of the threshold, she was able to accomplish that most of the time. However, they were in her room, in her bed, in the one place she allowed tears to fall. Maybe it was subconscious, maybe everything had just become too much to bear, but the tears…they fell.

Through them all, he kissed her. He loved her.

It was too much pressure on her watching Riley walk away from his career to take care of her when she was sick, and she couldn’t add to the sadness by sitting around and being helpless. She had forced herself to stay strong, otherwise she would have collapsed. When she had been told she would never have children, on top of everything else, and watching a man she thought loved her walk away because of it, her world had spun out of control. One minute she and Riley were a team working together as he raced pro, and the next thing she knew they were both out of a job and trying to save her life.

She never let any of h
er family know how bad she hurt or how scared she really was.

The tears streamed faster as Jesse kissed her harder, and the more possessive his kisses got, the more upset she let herself become. Jesse had allowed her to be herself, he had let her be sick and now he was letting her be scared without the fear of letting him down or having to watch him walk out the door. He had been the first and only one to know the more intimate details of the hurt Collin caused. He was the one erasing those bad memories one at a time. Jesse had
been the first one she felt she could let in, because with him, it was always comfortable, always easy. And now, he was carrying the weight of the fear for her. She knew she would never feel as close to anyone than she did with Jesse at this very moment.

Jesse held her tightly as she trembled in his arms. He continued to stroke her back as he tucked her head to his chest.

“Jesse,” Emery said his name between breaths.

“I know, baby.”