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Authors: Karina Sharp,Carrie Ann Foster,Good Girl Graphics

BOOK: Journey
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Chapter 17

September

 

Journey

 

“Who are the flowers from?”  Jenny asks as I place my nose to the petals and take a big whiff.  

              I turn to Jenny with what I can only assume is an expression of lust mixed with warm and fuzzies.  

              “Ohhhh…” she responds in understanding.  “How come you don’t talk much about him?”

              “He’s kind of a private person.”  I read the small card placed inside of the large bouquet of orange mums and yellow flowers that perfectly represent the colors of fall.  

 

                           
Thank you for “journeying” back into my life.  (Get it?)  This is step 1 of courting                             you.  Step 2 is asking you if you would like to go apple picking with me.  I anxiously await               your answer. -JJ

                    

              “He must be coming out of his shell if he’s sending you flowers at work.”  Jenny snatches the card out of my hand.  “JJ?  I can’t think of a JJ in town.  Joel Jerrard?  No, he moved a long time ago.”  Jenny continues to attempt to unmask the curious JJ as I shake my head at her futility.

              Teresa comes around the corner from the exam rooms.  “Wow!  Who are these from?”

              “A mysterious Mr. JJ,” Jenny tells Teresa, handing her the card.  

              “Oh?  I wonder who that could be…” Teresa ponders aloud.

              “I don’t know who it is, but he has Journey all bent out of shape if you even mention the mere idea of him.”

              I shake my head.  “You two are hopeless.”  

              In actuality, I want to tell them who the flowers are from.  I really want to shout out in the middle of the town square that I have been spending time with and am possibly in love with Jack Croft, but alas.  I respect Jack’s desire to live a private life.  Even if it’s very frustrating to me.

                    

***

 

It’s become quite routine to have dinner at Jack’s.  He’s an excellent cook.  Whatever the culinary form of a green thumb is, he has it.  One thing that’s beginning to eat away at me is his evasiveness.  I get his desire to not be a public figure or simply fly beneath the radar, but his reluctance- no, not reluctance, refusal -to feed me more than just enough information to answer my questions and quell my curiosity is really beginning to irk me.  Okay, not irk me...it’s pissing me off.  I feel like I’ve been patient enough.  I’m tired of filling in the blanks and making assumptions based on the bits of information he gives me.  At this point, if he doesn’t trust me enough to open up to me, why are we wasting our time?

              “How was your day?” I inquire as I begin to chow down on my homemade stir fry.

              “Fine, just busy with work stuff.  Yours?”

“Fine, just busy with work stuff,” I parrot sharply.

The sound of forks meeting with plates and chewing is the only noise to be heard for a while.

Jack gently clears his throat and attempts to meet my gaze, but I refuse.

“Is everything okay?”

“Fine.  How about with you?”

Tension builds as Jack places his fork down on the table, laces his fingers, and places them on the table.

“Are you sure about that?”

I mull over my response for a moment, taking deliberate forkfuls of food into my mouth and looking directly at him as I think.  I am annoyed, but exactly how I want to approach the topic, I’m not sure.

“What do you do for a living, Jack?”

“Huh?”  Jack wrinkles his brow in confusion.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I want to know what you do for a living.  Your answer of ‘business,’ and the like, isn’t going to cut it anymore.  When someone asks me what I do, I don’t just say, ‘doctor,’ and leave it at that.”

“Where is this coming from?”

“It’s coming from the fact that even if I could tell people you’re my boyfriend, I wouldn’t even really know what to say about him other than ‘he’s hot, he doesn’t live with his parents, he’s in business,’ and a few other random facts about you.  Do you know how that feels?  Do you know what it’s like to feel that you’re not trusted enough by the man you’re essentially dating for him to tell you what the flip he specifically does for a living?  Do you hear how asinine it all sounds?”

Jack is pensive and quiet for a bit.  “I hadn’t realized that you cared to know more about my work.”

“What?!?  Of course I care to know!  I care to know
everything
about you!”  

Okay, I realize that I’m beginning to get very fired up and probably half yelling, half squealing right now, but I cannot deny the fact that this has almost become a make-or-break thing for me.

“I’m sorry, Journey.  I’m not used to giving out a lot of information about myself to people.”

“I’m not
people
!  Or at least, I thought I wasn’t.”

“Of course you’re not.”  Jack sighs, then I sense some hostility coming from his body.  “You left me, Journey.”

“Come again?”

“You moved on.  We parted ways in Mexico, we lost touch, and you moved on.  I never moved on, but you did.”

Ouch.
 My shoulders fall forward and my head droops.  “I did, but I didn’t.  Trust me, I
so
didn’t.  And I’m here now.  I’m very sorry for the time we had apart, and if I could take it back I would, but I can’t.  The only thing we can do is move forward; however we will never work like this.”

 

***

 

Over the next few weeks, the rift between us continued and Jack remained less than superfluous in speaking about anything regarding him personally.  In addition, he was less that eager to meet me out for lunch or even go shopping with me.  He’s not a hermit, just holed up in his massive lair, as we would walk on the beach, stay in quaint bed and breakfasts on the weekends, and of course he went grocery shopping, but never with me.  

Little by little, it was nibbling away at my core.  I couldn’t shake it.  It was always there in the back of my mind, taunting me, until I couldn’t take it anymore.  I deserved to have a boyfriend who did more than support me in spirit or go out with me in the community.  I decided the best way to maybe take a first step would be to invite him to accompany me to the competition in Boston.

“I was thinking that maybe you could join me at the girls’ competition this weekend.  It’s a big day for them, and I’m going to be super nervous.  Plus, I’m pretty proud of them and want to share one of my passions with you.”

Jack’s eyes dart around the room, and I can already see what his answer is going to be.  “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.  I’m not sure that some people will be too happy to see me.”

“Why would they be unhappy to see you?  What would their beef with you be?”

“It’s complicated.  I’m just not on the short list of favorite people to some.”

“Who?  Who wouldn’t like you?  I think you’re fabulous, so everyone should feel the same.  If they don’t, I will kick them until they do.”

“It’s not that simple, Journey.  This community and the families in it have a deep, complicated history.”

“There’s no reason you- we -can’t change that.  It’s obviously a misconception.  Right?  You didn’t like go around kicking people’s puppies, did you?”

Jack’s mouth smirks ever so slightly.  “Of course not.  I just don’t want you to wind up in an uncomfortable situation.  Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Why are you so closed off to me?  You still can’t even answer simple questions about your work, your parents, this house…  How am I supposed to feel completely connected to you when you won’t allow me to be?”

              “Journey, I feel like I’ve opened up to you quite a bit.  I’ve gone way out of my comfort zone and shared feelings that I never thought I could.  There are things I’d like to know as well.  What happened to you?  Why did you quit contacting me?”

“It’s a long story that I’m not really ready to share.”


You’re
keeping something from me?  You can share anything with me.”


Hmph!
 Look who’s talking.  Why don’t you share everything about yourself with me?”

“I don’t know, Journey.  Like I said, I’m used to being protective over my personal life and information.”

“This is beyond being protective.  This is just ludicrous.  You were upset with me years ago because I didn’t tell you that I had a naked photo shoot with a magazine, yet you don’t even tell me whether or not you dated anyone during our time apart.  Come on, Jack.  I’m not so disillusioned to think that you spent nine years pining away for a woman you thought you’d never see again, and frankly, I don’t really care if you did.  I am simply asking for you to respect me enough to disclose that kind of information to me.  Why is your parents’ mansion in this state?”

“I-” Jack rubs his temples with his index fingers, closing his eyes tightly.

“Wrong answer.”  

I may be harsh, and perhaps reactive, but my emotional responses are hard to control sometimes.  To me, it is not fair to be expected to share everything, but get nothing in return.  Relationships are partnerships, and partnerships require equality.  My chin quivers as I try to decide what my next move should be.  I don’t want to give up on Jack, but I also feel very hurt.  

“I’m going to give you a night to think about it.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Journey-” Jack halts in his steps and breathes in, holding it.

“Good night, Jack.”

My heart crushes as I close the door behind me.

There’s a board game called
Mousetrap
where the cage that finally traps the mouse is delicately placed on top of a pole.  It teeters back and forth until the right type of force, albeit not much force, causes it to rock just enough that it shifts too far off of its axis and crashes quickly to the ground.  We all have those moments where our feelings or facades are just rocking back and forth, in a delicate balance, barely staying in place, until things are put into motion in just the right way, and the perfect amount of force is applied, often unwittingly, causing our patience and reserve to fall away.  This has been one of those moments.

 

I didn’t sleep much last night, and after an arduous day at the office, I have cheer practice with the girls.  Today is an important day as this weekend is the qualifying competition for Nationals.  We’ve been working on their routine and stunts for months now.

“Hey ladies,” I greet them flatly.  “Get started on your warm-up laps and jumps.”

“Geez, Journey,” Jenny remarks, “You look terrible.”  

“I didn’t sleep well, that’s all.”  I attempt to give a genuine smile, but fail.

“Are you sure that’s all?  Because it doesn’t seem like it.”

I don’t understand how this young girl is always able to accurately pin my thoughts and feelings on the nose.  It’s like a super power or something.  

“Have you always been this good at detecting other’s feelings?”

“Not really...only people who wear their hearts on their sleeves like you.”  Jenny gives me a quick wink and trots off to join the rest of the girls.

I planned to work on Chelsea’s heel stretch into her bow and arrow because her body is not as tight as I would like it to be, but my thoughts are elsewhere.  I half expected Jack to come running after me.  Or come knocking on my door.  Or have a note delivered.  Singing telegram.  Something…  Maybe there’s a valid reason as to why he refuses to let me into his world.  I’m going to have to do a little digging to see if he’s hiding something serious.

I distract myself by drilling the girls as hard as I possibly can.  They perform standing back tucks into toe touches one after another.  Then, I have them do several pike jumps in a row.  After they go through their entire routine full-out for the fifth time in a row, I lose it.

“Not good enough!  What is going on here, ladies?  Why do you all look so stinking sloppy?  This is almost embarrassing!  We’ve worked so hard for months, and for what?  Take five and think long and hard whether or not this is something that you really want!”  

              The girls stare back at me, stupefied.  I’ve never been this harsh with them before, especially after they’ve worked so hard in a practice.  

“Four minutes!” I announce, causing their reddened faces to look away from me and hustle over to their water bottles.  “Be ready to go over your tumbling passes after this,” I warn them.  

The girls let out groans all around, but I choose to ignore them.

Jenny approaches me with caution.  “Journey, can I be honest with you?”

“Yes!  That’s all I’ve ever asked!” I cry in exasperation.

“Whoa there, Chief.  Simmer down.  It’s so obvious that something happened with you and your man.  I mean, not that anyone else really knows about you and this JJ guy, but you know…  Anyway, I’m always honest with you, and I’m being honest when I say that you’re really drilling everyone into the ground tonight.  I’m also being honest when I say that it’s easy to see that to this guy, you hung the freaking moon.  Don’t give up on you two.  You’re the only people I’ve ever known whom I immediately knew belong together.  I haven’t even met him yet, but I knew just by your autonomic responses that you’re meant to be.  Also, I deserve to sit out of the extra tumbling passes for using ‘autonomic.’”  

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