Joy Comes in the Morning (9 page)

Saturday evening and I was stuck with babysitting Lilah. Joshua gave me a quick peck on the cheek and dropped her off at my apartment on his way to class. It wasn't that she could intentionally cause me any real harm, but I was breaking out in a cold sweat nonetheless. She skipped in and immediately jumped onto the couch.

Taylor squatted down in front of Lilah. “Are you thirsty?” Lilah nodded.

“I'll get you something to drink then.” Taylor disappeared into the kitchen.

Lilah was a beautiful, caramel toned child, her father's sweet little darling, and I wanted more than anything to be her mother. She had already lost one mother, who was probably beautiful, although her character was questionable. What kind of married woman would do that to her unborn child? I mean, didn't she care about Joshua's feelings at all? What could have possibly made her risk everything? I circled the child trying to imagine exactly what her mother was really like, and how I would measure up in comparison. Underneath my fear, I wanted to be a perfect mother, but deep inside I knew there was no such thing. I hadn't been perfect when I did what I did. My own mother had not been perfect when she raised us either. But still, I wanted my life to be what it should've been. I would've given anything to have the opportunity Delilah had.

“Lilah, what would you like to do?”

She shook her head and looked away. “I don't know.” Then she jumped down from the couch.

It was obvious I didn't know what to do with her. The poor girl was stuck with me. Unworthy, insecure, future step-mama me.

Taylor came out of the kitchen with a cup of orange juice. “Here you go.”

Lilah smiled. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Taylor said.

I just stood there like the air had been knocked out of me, waiting for words to say, waiting for some magical clue. I took a deep breath. Just be myself. No, this was too important.

I picked up Lilah and put her on my lap. “Lilah, would you like to play a game?”

“No,” she replied.

“I could read you a story.” I was getting desperate.

“No.” Lilah climbed off of my lap.

Instantly, I was out of suggestions, and Lilah was already squirming around like she was restless.

I was no good at this. “Hey, I know what . . .”

“What?” Taylor looked as desperate as I was. She didn't do kids at all, ever.

“Let's just do what we had originally planned to do,” I said.

Taylor snapped her fingers. “Okay. . . .”

“We'll go bridal store shopping, and Lilah can help me pick out my wedding dress.” I looked into Lilah's eyes. “Would you like to help me pick out my dress for the wedding?”

Lilah hunched her shoulders. “Sure.”

“Good. Then we're out of here.” I grabbed my purse and led Lilah by the hand.Taylor followed closely behind. So we went downtown to check out the bridal shops. After an hour and a half of searching, we finally found the perfect wedding dress for me. It was a white, full-length, traditional gown made of satin, with three quarter length sleeves, and a long train. When I stepped out of the dressing room, all eyes were on me.

“I don't wanna do this anymore,” Lilah whined and rubbed her eyes.” I wanna go now.”

“Okay, sweetheart.” I wanted to bend down to soothe her, but since I was dressed in the wedding dress of my dreams, I couldn't.

“Now that's what I'm talking 'bout, right there, girl.” Taylor snapped her fingers, and I knew it was the one.

I wished my mother was here to see it.

“It's a little tight though.” I held my bloated stomach in.

“We'll fix that.” Taylor poked me in the stomach. I admired myself in the full length mirror and was excited that my dream was finally coming true.“Little girl, how would you like to go to the park now?”

“Yay.” Lilah leaped into the air.

I scooped Lilah into my arms, carried her to the car, and we were on our way.

When we left downtown, we went straight to Prospect Park. Already dressed in workout gear, I wore my usual baggy sweat pants and a plain T-shirt while Taylor wore her favorite red and white jogging suit with a matching headband.

“I don't know if this is a good idea.” I dragged myself along.

“Yeah, it is. You're the one that needs to fit into a decent sized wedding dress, right?” Taylor asked.

“Easy for you to say.” I put Lilah's toys down and gave her instructions on where she could play alongside the track.

“Hey, no pain, no gain. Let's hit it.” Then Taylor took off running down the track like it belonged to her, like everything belonged to her. I tagged along behind her, my body an unwilling participant in this activity.

Taylor ran around the entire track several times, but I ran back and forth on one side of the track so that I could keep a sharp eye on Lilah the whole time. Out of breath and about to pass out, I stopped to take a bottle of water from my backpack. Then I noticed Shayla McConnell getting out of her brand new Mercedes Benz. I gulped down my water and used my towel to wipe the sweat from my forehead. I looked ahead at Taylor who was coming back around and hoped that there would be no mess, especially not in front of the three-year-old.

Shayla immediately began walking toward us. By the time Taylor stopped in front of me, so did Shayla. “Imagine seeing you here. What a surprise.”

“Get out of my face,” Taylor said.

“I haven't even begun to get in your face . . . yet.” Shayla laughed.

“Just leave me alone, Shayla.” Taylor turned to walk away from her.

“Leave you alone? Oh, I wouldn't dare bother you.” Shayla let out a big laugh. “After all, in a few short months you'll be on my payroll.”

Taylor hollered back. “Over my dead body.”

“Now I don't think it's going to take all that, but I must admit that would be interesting.” Shayla continued to laugh as she took off running down the track.

I had to stop Taylor from running after her. Then I pulled her to the side; away from Lilah.

“I've only got a few months to get that center. Push It has got to be mine, Alex. I just can't stand by and watch a skeezer like her buy it. Sometimes when you want something bad enough, you'll do anything to get it.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said.

Taylor slapped me across the back. “Come on, I'm gonna have you in super shape for your wedding.”

I coughed. “Well you've only got two and a half months left so . . .”

“You ain't giving me much to work with either.” Taylor shook her head. “Let's go.”

We ran around again and again until I felt dizzy. Then I fell onto the grass in exhaustion. My phone rang, and it was Michelle. “Hi, how are you?”

I answered it, breathing heavily.

“I'm doing okay.” Michelle's voice was cheerful. “You don't sound so good though.”

“Oh, I've just been running, you know, with my sister. She's like my personal trainer.”

“Oh, I see. Well, I had my first appointment today, and my mom went with me.”

“Oh good,” I said.

“I don't know how to thank you for helping me—”

“No need to thank me. We're all in this together. Just remember if you need anything, just ask, and I'll see what I can do.”

“I will,” Michelle said.

“Okay, sweetheart. I'll see you at church.”

“Yeah, I'll see ya.” Michelle sounded certain of herself again. She sounded like the Michelle I knew when she was a little girl; pretty, sweet, and innocent. Life had tainted her.

“Bye.” I ended the call with a smile on my face, then stuck it into my backpack.

“That was Michelle, wasn't it?” Taylor had always been nosy.

“Yes, it was.”

“Aren't you afraid of what Joshua will say about you helping some fornicating teenager with her illegitimate baby?”

“I don't think he'll have a problem with it,” I said.

“Mr. Bishop's son? I doubt it.”

“Oh, come on. He's not like that.”

“I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin' . . .” Taylor smiled and hunched her shoulders.

“I'm doing what I can to help a young church sister, whatever I can, whenever I can, and nobody can have a problem with that.”

“Well, go ahead with yo' bad self.” Taylor did her typical model walking down the catwalk expression.

I laughed aloud until my stomach hurt. “Stop it, just stop.”

“I'm just sayin' . . .” Taylor laughed too.

My phone rang again, and it was Joshua. I picked it up quickly.

“Hi, husband to be,” I said, still laughing slightly.

“Hi. Is that Taylor laughing too? What's so funny?”

“It's nothing really. We just finished doing some wedding dress shopping, and now Taylor, Lilah, and I are out here on the track at Prospect Park so I can fit into one, that's all.”

“Don't be silly. You're a perfect size.”

“You're very sweet, and that's why I love you, but a sista is gonna lose some pounds. Just wait.”

“Remember, don't make me wait too long.”

“I'll be all yours in exactly two months and two weeks.”

“Is that all? It seems like forever.”

“I'll be your wife before you know it, baby. I'll be your wife forever.” For once, I could imagine really being his. Nothing had come between us thus far.

“Oh, I almost forgot why I called.”

“Yes?”

“Sister Winifred just called with some rather disturbing news, something about the little Harris girl being pregnant. Did you hear anything about that?”

I almost dropped my phone onto the concrete. Instead, I gripped it tighter and held on for the ride. “I uh . . . think I heard about it . . . yes.” I wondered how in the world the news got out so fast.

“Well, the Harrises are devastated and rightfully so. There is talk amongst the board of ending her church activities. I don't know, but my father says—”

My heart seemed like it was pounding against my chest. “Your father? How does he know about all of this?”

“You know bad news travels fast. He is the presiding bishop, so everything goes through him.”

“Right.”

“I just can't believe it. Little Michelle will be having a baby.”

The words came out before I could stop them. “Well, it's better than the alternative.”

“You've got that right.” Joshua's voice dropped, and I could still hear his sadness long after our call ended.

 

 

I walked out of the bathroom fixing my makeup. It was another Sunday, and I was doing my typical routine. I looked down at the worn blue carpet, around at the old couch with the tacky throw pillows, the nineteen inch television set with the portable antenna on top, and I knew I had to make some decisions soon.

 

 

Some more cash would help. Maybe being in public relations wouldn't be so bad.

Taylor sauntered into the living room. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” I said.

Taylor dropped down onto the living room floor and started alternating between squat thrusts and push-ups. I got the feeling she was trying to make her body surrender even if her mind wouldn't. Then I watched my sister hop up, pull a cigarette out of her pocket, light it, and start pacing the floor. There was something about staying still that seemed to make her nervous. She always liked to go, go, go, and stay gone. Never did like staying in one place too long.

Even when we were little she was the one who wanted to see places while I wanted to stay home and play house. Not her. She'd be riding her bike around the block, skating, skateboarding, or running through the park. That was her, always active, always on the go. Never could sit still long; especially not in the house. She couldn't wait to get out of school, and believe me, she barely made it out.I shook my head at the thought and waved my hand through the cloud of smoke.

“Now you know we don't smoke in this apartment.” I spread my legs and folded my arms, scolding her like she was a child.

“No,
you
don't smoke in this apartment.” Taylor threw her head back and laughed. “Oh, come on, I'm just kidding. Goodness.”

I pulled the cigarette from her lips. “Uh-huh, put it out.”

“You had to be marrying a preacher; 'cause who else would put up with yo' rules?” Taylor rolled her eyes.

I gave her a look typical of our mother and kept on walking out the front door.

By the time I stepped my foot inside the emerald green sanctuary, I knew something was different. Mother Baker, with her fire red wig, heavily made up face, and slim stature, was leaned over chunky, gray haired Mother Richards, frowning. There were a few members of the choir whispering amongst themselves. Folks everywhere were preoccupied or occupied, but it wasn't with the Word. I looked around for Sister Harris or Minister Harris, but I saw neither of them. Finally, I saw Michelle slumped over on a back pew to the far left. I wondered why she was sitting alone way back there, so I walked over to her.

“You never sit way in the back like this. What's going on in here?” I sat next to Michelle.

“Don't you see? The disgrace has begun.” Michelle lifted her head from her hands, and then put it back again.

“What do you mean?”

“My parents are in Pastor Martin's office talking about my issue,” Michelle said.

“Oh, I see.”

“Everyone knows.” Michelle lifted her head again.

“I guess the news spread like wildfire,” I said. “I'm sorry, but everyone will get over it.”

“I don't know about all of that. Some people seem really upset. It's almost as if I did something to them.”

“That's just ignorance. Like I said, they'll get over it, and they'll stop talking. No one has any right to judge you; no one at all.” I felt myself getting angry.

“I wish you'd tell them that.” Michelle pointed discreetly to a group of three women sitting near the front wearing big and medium sized hats. They were talking out of the sides of their mouths and looking back. Ushers were standing at the door, looking out of the corners of their eyes.

“Hang in there. God will take care of everything.” I patted Michelle on the head, and then proceeded to take my place for the praise service.

When Michelle walked by Sister Winifred, I was pulled aside.

“It's not a good idea, dear, for a decent girl to be seen talking to her, you know, while she's that way. People might get the wrong idea, you know. And then you won't be able to snag that deacon of yours when the time is right.” Sister Winifred shook her head. “I remind my niece, Yvonne, of that all the time.”

“Sister Winifred, I appreciate your concern, but I can take care of myself very well, thank you. I'm not worried about what you or anyone else in this church thinks about me.” I looked Sister Winifred directly in her light eyes. “Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to the front with the praise team.”

I couldn't believe the nerve of that lady. I walked away from her and said a silent prayer. As I took my place to sing, I looked out at Joshua who came in and sat on the front row. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. Seconds later, I saw Sister Winifred and Yvonne sit down behind him. Yvonne leaned forward to whisper something in Joshua's ear, and I saw him grin. That was it for me. Forget about the spirit. I had stepped into the flesh. I wanted to step off the stage and pull those cute little red ringlets out of her hair. Yet I kept on singing for the Lord until a peace fell upon me.

When the service was over, I went over to the information desk again, knowing I had to sign up for something. I looked over the list of various needs in the community. Michelle walked by me with her parents. “Goodnight, Sister Alex.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart. Keep your head up now,” I said, smiling at Mr. and Mrs. Harris as they passed by.

They smiled back and nodded their heads, acknowledging me, but they didn't stop. I didn't hold it against them because I knew they were still hurt. I watched them walk out the front door, and my heart felt heavy with compassion. What the community really needed were programs to help young girls like Michelle. Now, I'd sign up for that in a heartbeat. Maybe I'd get around to asking Pastor Martin about it one day. Maybe Sister Trudy might want to facilitate a program like that since she had teenage daughters. I sighed as I signed up to help with the sick and shut-ins. A noble cause indeed, but nothing I felt passionate about.

When I looked at my watch, I realized I only had a couple of hours to change and return to church for the banquet. I was still upset with Joshua, so I didn't wait to say good-bye, and sadly, I doubted if he would even notice I was gone.

 

 

I came in the door and found Taylor on the couch watching television. I sat next to my sister and began to briefly tell her what happened to Michelle at the church. Then I realized I didn't have much time to freshen up before I had to be back at the church again. Taylor, on the other hand, who had promised she would come to the banquet, was still dressed in jeans.“Why aren't you dressed for the anniversary banquet?”

“I know I said I'd go, and I bought a ticket and all that junk, but I changed my mind.”

“What do you mean, you're not going? It's our church's forty-third anniversary.”

“It's not my church, it's yours, and after hearing all that noise they've been throwin' at Michelle, I don't even want to be around those hypocrites.” Taylor stood up. “I ain't going.”

“Not going?”

“Nope. You can give my ticket to someone else.”

Involuntarily, my eyes began to fill up with tears. “All Mom wanted was for us to be okay when she was gone. All she ever wanted was that we would both be saved.” I stood up and positioned myself in the middle of the walkway, hoping to block Taylor in.

“The church was very important to her.”

“That's a low blow. Now you're going to use cheap tricks to try to get me into the church. Well, no thank you.” Taylor hit the wall with her fist.

“What are you saying? You know it was Mom's last request.”

“I don't know about any requests except that she asked to live, and she didn't. She requested that a lot of folk pray for her, and what good did that do?”

“Don't say that,” I said.

“So don't tell me about what Mom wanted. Mom wanted me to be happy, and if you're trying to guilt trip me into going, it ain't gonna work.”

“You turn everything around, don't you?” My resolve was crumbling. “No, I thought it was you who did all the turning.” Taylor turned her back to me. “I don't care what you say. I ain't going.”

“Taylor, if you walk out that door, things will never be the same between us.” I did all I could to hold back tears of anger before they broke free and began to roll down my face.

Taylor walked past me, pushing her shoulder slightly against mine, and pulling open the front door. “Things ain't been the same between us for a long time.” Taylor slammed the door behind her.

I was hardly in the mood for a celebration at this point, but I pulled myself together. “The devil is a liar,” I said to myself as I headed out to the banquet.

It was quite a black tie affair. Although it was Missionary's church anniversary, it was held at the Benningses'church, Kingdom House of Prayer, so that we could accommodate all the guests who would attend. Pastor Bennings prayed and gave the blessing. Pastor Martin delivered the message. Our choir sang. The Benningses' praise dancers performed. Joshua and I served as we always did, with Yvonne's taut silhouette in the background.