Joy Comes in the Morning (5 page)

The next day, after I left work, I stopped at Miller's Mechanic Shop to pick up my car. Miller, an older man with a raggedy beard and rotting teeth, smiled as I paid him what I considered a reasonable price. My car wasn't much by most standards, but it beat riding the train all the time, and it had the prettiest carnation pink paint job my dad could afford. In any case, it was a college graduation present from my parents and it still ran pretty good most of the time. I smiled as I put my key into the ignition, and then I zoomed off, happily on my way.

As I drove, I contemplated Sister Bennings's comments from the night before. Would I really make a better wife for Joshua? Certainly not without telling him the truth, the whole truth. I thought about Michelle and the personal commitment I made to help her. That was just like me always getting involved in other people's problems. If only I had called back and at least left a message for Michelle's parents. No, instead I dropped that phone, and dropped the whole idea of calling, like it was on fire.

I thought about Joshua, if he would ever let me get close enough to him, if I would ever marry him. Then came the dreaded question: Could I be a proper mother to his three year old daughter? Suddenly, an unimaginable fear came to me, worse than those that came before it. What if I weren't physically capable of having children with him after what had happened to me? I began to tremble at the possibility. Another strike to my soul. There were so many, but I dismissed the thought quickly.

After entering my block, and spotting an empty parking space, I hurried to parallel park in front of my six story, stone faced apartment building. I walked through the lobby slowly, feeling the heat and the weight of the day, not even stopping to check my mailbox. Then I started the lonely walk through the dimly lit hallway and up the stairs to the third floor. When I reached my apartment, before I could turn the key in the lock, the door was pulled open.

“Oh hi, Taylor,” I said to the used to be mirror image of myself.

“No time for that, girl. Come on in.” Taylor pulled me by the arm.

“What?” We were like oil and water, the two of us.

“Not just what, but who?”

“I'm tired, Taylor, and I don't have time for games.” I pushed past my sister, walking to the bathroom. I turned on the water and began to wash my face with Noxema.

“All right, all right, but I've got a special VIP invitation for us to attend Club Hot25 tonight—”

“Taylor—” I turned off the water.

“Wait a minute. Now I know what you're about to say, but just listen for a minute. They're gonna have a special guest tonight.”

“I have Bible Study tonight.” I stopped drying my face and looked Taylor right in the eyes.

“I know that, but guess who is going to be there?” Taylor followed me around the couch like a child. “One of your favorite entertainers.”

“CeCe Winans?”

“Very funny. No, one of your favorite entertainers from back in the day . . . Anita Baker.”

“That's nice, but you know where I stand on that. I'll be at church tonight, but I do appreciate you thinking about me.”

“You mean you're not going? Don't you even care?”

“Yes, I care. And no, I'm not going. But thanks anyway. In fact, as soon as I freshen up a little, Joshua will be here to pick me up.”

Taylor stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the door. Another typical confrontation with my twin. I sighed before proceeding to peel off my work clothes and hopping into the tub. My shower was brief and unsatisfying, and when I was done, I walked out into the living room, wrapped in a peach towel and feeling frustrated. Here I was battling the same spirit all over again. I knew it was spiritual warfare, but heck, my soul was weary.

“You and your Bible toting fiancé can just get the heck on for all I care.” Taylor took up a pillow and threw it at me. “Go on with your hypocritical self.”

I pretended to smile as the pillow hit me in the face, but on the inside, Taylor had cut me. If I had to endure one more remark from her about my faith, I didn't know what I was going to do. After all, I was already dealing with my own issues, crying out in prayer and in my sleep, waiting for God to answer. The last thing I needed was to be reminded of who I was, or wasn't in Christ. Or maybe that was the first thing I needed. I wasn't really sure anymore. One thing was sure though, that my twin sister, who should've been my best friend, was instead, a spiritual enemy.I huffed, looking at my watch and counted the seconds. Joshua couldn't get there fast enough. Couldn't I just enjoy a night at church without being bashed for it? I watched Taylor's mini skirt clad body walk through the ivory door before she left the living room.

Once I was inside my bedroom, I squeezed myself into a panty girdle, then slipped into my pink and lilac flowered sundress and my pink platform sandals as if I were a cover girl. And I was, just not the type you'd see on your typical high fashion magazine. I was just a little bigger, but better.Then I lay across my bed, inhaling the rosemary potpourri and looking at the floral pattern on her wallpaper. I should've been praying, pouring out my heart, but after the confrontation I had with Taylor, I was too undone. I blinked a lone tear away in silence.

“Lord, forgive her. Forgive me.”

Finally the door bell rang. I listened as Taylor and her companion, Malcolm, walked out into the hallway. By the time they had walked down the two flights of stairs, through the small lobby, and out of the front door, I rushed over to peep out of the window. I could see Taylor poking out her apple red bottom lip. Then she stomped her way down the concrete steps, all the way to Malcolm's car, flipped her long brown weave braids, diva style, and hopped into the passenger's seat of his Lexus.

When Joshua arrived at the door fifteen minutes later, there was no subtlety in the way I breathlessly flung the front door wide open. I was ready to go, ready to vent. Joshua was a tall, lanky man. His skin was like carved caramel. His eyes were chestnut brown like his daughter's, and he had a wide, dimpled smile that would instantly invite a person in. The problem was though, that he'd usually shut them out before they could accept the invitation. Not that he was mean or anything, but he was definitely reserved.

“I'm glad to see you.” I grabbed his hands and pulled him inside the apartment.

“Me too, but you look upset.” Joshua peeled my hands off his and remained standing by the door.

“It's nothing. Taylor and I just got into it.”

“Again?”

“Again.” I flipped my naturally long eyelashes, a tactic I'd been using for years.“What was it this time?”

“Same old, same old,” I said.

“Oh, she wanted you to go out?”

I put my hands on my hips and sighed. “And not just any old ‘out' of course but ‘out' to a club.”

“Let me guess. They're having a special guest or something?”

“Of course. She justified it this time by saying Anita Baker would be there. I don't care. I mean, I just don't get it. When is that girl going to learn?” I walked around the room picking up the scattered items Taylor had left behind. That's the way it was between her and me. I'd always have to pick up after her mess. She'd disappoint Mommy, and I'd have to straighten things out, make it better, be the perfect daughter. So she'd get all the attention, negative or not, and I'd get all the work. “When will she learn?”

“When she's ready,” Joshua said.

“What am I supposed to do until she's ready?”

“Keep on praying.” Joshua looked down at me and smiled.

“That's all I've been doing. Seems like something should've broke loose up in her by now.”

“I know what you mean. I used to feel the same way about my cousin, Charles.” Joshua shook his head. “That dude is always into something, but God works in His own time.”

“You're right. I'm overreacting over nothing,” I said.

“Well, I wouldn't say over nothing. It's something.”

“It's something, but it's nothing new.”

“Nope, definitely not new. Let's go before we're late to Bible Study.” Joshua pulled up his sleeve, revealing his hairy arm, and looked at his watch.

“Hey, not so fast. Don't I get a little hello kiss first?”

I put my hand behind his head, stood on my tiptoes to line my lips up with his, moved in very close, and then quickly planted one right on his cheek.

“Oh, very funny.”

“I thought so.” I licked my lips and followed him outside of the apartment, giggling. I enjoyed teasing him. The lightheartedness of it helped me to forget the hidden things of my heart.

When we reached his Chevy Tahoe, he came around to my side and opened the door. He held my hand, and as he helped me inside, I felt my dress rising. I quickly pulled it down to my knees and leaned back against the front seat. I didn't want to tempt him or tempt myself. I already had enough problems to deal with.

We rode through the streets full of traffic until we arrived at The Brooklyn Missionary Chapel Church
.
Joshua parked his truck a few feet away from the church, and I was grateful that he didn't have to park by a meter. As we walked toward the building, we saw Sister Winifred climbing the front steps of the church.

Sister Winifred, with her pale yellow skin, bluish-gray eyes, curly gray wig, and just a hint of pale pink lipstick across her thin lips, wore her thick black rimmed glasses with the chain connected to them. She wore a tweed suit, and she carried a white vinyl purse with a big gold colored buckle on it and wore matching white vinyl shoes. She carried her extra large print Bible in her other hand, and when she noticed us coming, she frowned. She always seemed miserable.

“Good evening, Sister Winifred,” I said

“Oh hello, dear. Hello, Deacon.” Sister Winifred gave a fake smile, revealing all of her fake teeth. I remembered Sister Winifred when she was toothless just a few weeks before. I had to restrain myself from laughing.

Then out of nowhere came Sister Winifred's niece, her youngest brother's child, Yvonne. Yvonne was a few inches shorter than me, probably a few dress sizes smaller than me, but she was quite curvaceous, and she didn't mind showing it off. She wore a body hugging halter dress with a tight fitting blazer on top, and she wore black stilettos. Her curly red hair framed her tiny face.

“Hello, Sister Alex and Brother Joshua. Or should I say, Deacon Joshua?” Yvonne giggled hesitantly.

“How are you, Yvonne?” I leaned forward to give her a hug.

“It's good to see you again.” Joshua smiled.

“Deacon Joshua, my auntie says you're going to be showing me around New York soon. That's so nice of you to offer, but I wouldn't want you to go to any trouble.”

“Oh, it's no trouble at all. I'm glad to help,” Joshua answered, keeping his eyes on hers. I kept my eyes on Joshua.

“Well, thank you so much. I appreciate that. It gets kind of lonely being in a new city and all.”

“Yes, I'm sure it does,” Joshua said, looking at her from head to toe. “When I first moved here two years ago, I was totally lost until someone showed me around.”

“Anyway, thanks again. I'll be in touch.” Yvonne grinned and walked away.

I didn't quite know what to think of her, the way she flounced around, fluttering her fake eyelashes and twisting her hips. I didn't know what to think of her being here at Brooklyn Missionary Chapel Church. Was she really here seeking the Lord or was there something else she was after? For some reason, I felt the Lord wasn't the only one she wanted to get close to.

Joshua and I entered the sanctuary together, although we quickly became separated by our various responsibilities. Immediately, Brother Alonzo cranked up the organ. I joined the praise team up front and began to lead the praise and worship. “I enter the holy of holies. I enter through the blood of the Lamb. . . .” We sang. Joshua placed his Bible on the front pew and took his place amongst the other deacons. The organist began to accompany our singing as we ushered in the Holy Spirit.

In a matter of minutes, all of the animosity I felt toward Taylor earlier was washed away by God's presence. I knew that somehow, despite what I was feeling inside, everything was going to be all right. At least until the middle of service when I passed by Sister Winifred and she opened her big mouth. Sister Winifred looked over her reading glasses with her tricky eyes.

“Now, Sister Alex, I see you're wearing a big ring on that finger of yours. I hope that means the deacon is going to make an honest woman out of you.” Sister Winifred sighed. “I mean, you may not be his parents' pick, and you may have put on a few pounds, but you're clean, you're good at serving, and that baby of his sho' enough needs a mama.”

No she did not. I just stood back and glared at her, couldn't even say a word. How dare that evil woman talk about me like that and to my face? Thank God the Holy Ghost held me back because I wanted to jump on that old lady. I couldn't believe that stopping to ask Joshua a simple question would prompt her to hit us up with that one. Her mouth was incredibly foul, nothing like the sweet lips Pastor was always telling us we should have. She was always minding someone else's business and hurting someone else's feelings. When was she going to stop being such a meddlesome busybody?

Joshua stood there, holding onto the back of a pew with his mouth open, looking like a hungry dog. I was annoyed that he wouldn't just respond. What a coward. Was the idea of marrying me so shameful that it warranted this reaction? He could have stood up for me. He could have told her she was wrong about his parents, but he didn't. She knew them, and he knew them. Yes, my feelings were definitely hurt. “Yes, Sister Winifred, we're engaged.” I had no choice but to end it. “But I've got to get back on my post.”

“Well, God bless you two.” Sister Winifred started shuffling herself down the aisle.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Joshua looked relieved. While I stood behind Sister Winifred, absorbing her response, Joshua quietly slipped away. He escaped this time, and he avoided me for the rest of the evening.

At the end of the Bible Study, Pastor Martin made an announcement about needing volunteers in various areas for the new Elijah Project and that we should sign up at the information desk in the lobby. I skimmed over the list as I waited for Joshua. Volunteers were needed for several of the youth departments and that was out. Food was a maybe. Nothing else really interested me at the time. I thought maybe I was burnt out. I shrugged my shoulders, made a mental note of all of the available choices, then walked outside. I promised myself I would sign up next time. I had to give it more thought and definitely some prayer.

Joshua came out minutes later. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.” I didn't even look at him. Was it possible to love someone so much and yet want to strangle them at the same time?

“Did you sign up for the Elijah Project?” Joshua pulled a pen out of his pocket.

“No, not yet.” I was determined not to give in.

“Why not?”

I was forced to look at him now, but I made it brief because I was still upset. “I don't know. I just haven't decided yet. I don't want to just pick something. I want it to be right. Whatever I choose, I want to belong there, to make a difference there.”

“I know what you mean.”

“What about you?”

“I'm going to be working with Brother Jacob, helping the homeless.”

“That sounds very interesting,” I said.

“Something you might be interested in?”

“No, I don't think so.” I began to dig in my purse, avoiding eye contact. “I'm going to pray about it.”

“Okay then, let's go.” Joshua led the way to his car and opened the door for me.

Such impeccable manners, and yet he couldn't even answer a simple reasonable question. I glanced back at the church and saw Sister Winifred, her niece, and three of her grandchildren piling into their station wagon. I flinched at the embarrassment, still not believing that lady's comment. I expected him to defend my honor in the face of Sister Winifred, not just stand quietly as if he didn't even know who I was. Yes, Joshua had snuck away and gotten himself off the hook, or at least he thought he had. Even the ride home was awkward, but I didn't dare bring up the indiscrepency. I just held it in, breathed deeply, and waited until the ride was over.

When I arrived at home that evening, I threw off my church ensemble and jumped into bed, still seething with anger over Joshua's ambivalence. I called out for Taylor, but as usual, she was not home yet. Why couldn't she just calm down and stop living so fast? Every day I remembered what living the ‘fast life' had taken from me. Then I started thinking about Dr. Harding's offer and the motivation I would need to get that promotion. Maybe then I could afford to move on with my life.I turned on the television and flipped from channel to channel until I settled on the ten o'clock news. After watching a few depressing segments, I began to fall asleep. I tried to fight it, to wait up for Taylor, but as it got later and later, I finally gave in to my body.

In my sleep I tossed and turned amongst the covers, waiting for Taylor to get home, hoping we could reconcile our differences, hoping no more nightmares would come in the meantime.

I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I hadn't heard my sister come in. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was already after two
A.M
. I heard a car drive up, so I stuck my head outside the window. No sign of Taylor yet. Frustrated, I went back to bed, but not without thinking of the twins again. Lately, they were always in my dreams.
I walked barefoot through the alley, away from the unbearable squishing sounds, but they followed me everywhere I went. The farther away I ran, the louder the echoes became, so I covered my ears. Since I was totally naked except for a torn surgical gown, I shivered uncontrollably. Suddenly a sheet fell over my head, blinding me. Then I tripped in the length of it and fell, tumbling and slipping on the blood drenched ground until I was completely tangled up in it. As I fumbled to get free, I felt rough hands squeezing the cloth tightly around my face, suffocating me.

Right before I took my last breath, I forced my eyes open, and I shuddered as a cold bead of sweat ran down my forehead. I put my hands up to my mouth as I realized it was all just another one of my nightmares. Why did I keep having them?

I reached over to grab my Bible off the nightstand, flipped to the 27
^th
Psalm and began reading. “
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”
My eyes opened wide when the yellow glaze of sunlight hit my window pane. Its light flowed through the glass and onto my floral comforter, warming the very essence of the room. I sat up straight in bed, with my heart still beating fast, wondering if my sister had made it home.

“Dear Lord, thank you for this day. Please help me to not only get through it safely, but please help me to be a decent representation of your kingdom today and every day. In the name of the Almighty Jesus. Amen.”

I peeped my head out of my bedroom and heard my sister coughing, gagging, actually. I knew Taylor had to be hung over again.

I pulled off my cotton nightgown, grabbed my bathrobe, and went into the bathroom to shower. Before walking out, I stopped to look at myself in the mirror. Admiring my somewhat heart shaped face, short bob haircut, big, dark brown eyes, and big everything else, I smiled at the thought that Taylor was my twin. My identical twin, yet there was nothing identical about us anymore. At least not since Haagen Daazs became my best friend and Satan became Taylor's.

I slapped on some lotion, slipped into a checkered skirt and white blouse, then went to Taylor's room. Taylor was sprawled across her bed dressed only in her panties and bra. Her clothes lay on the floor in a pile beside her bed. When I reached out to touch her, she rolled her body into a vulnerable lump. I knew my body could never fit into such a ball. The smell of wine and vomit threatened to make me sick. So I covered her with a blanket and left the room quietly. “How long, Lord?”

I went back to my own room and opened my Bible. When I finished reading Psalm 91, I dialed Joshua's cell phone. It rang several times before he finally answered.

“Hello.”

“I thought you were busy.” Hearing Joshua's voice relieved me.

“Not a chance. What's up?”

“It's Taylor,” I sighed. “She's hung over again.”

“I'm not surprised. Have you prayed?”

“Not yet, but that's all I do.” Deep inside I knew my prayers were not in vain. But I wanted to know when the change would come.“That's all you can do.” Joshua's voice was deep and hypnotizing.I held onto every word.

“I just don't know how much more of this I can take.” I sighed into the phone. “I can't wait until we get married so I don't have to deal with this nonsense anymore.”

“That's going to happen soon, but don't leave bitter. I'm sure you can take a whole lot more than you give yourself credit for. God made you strong.” Joshua cleared his voice. “He who endures to the end, remember?”

“Right. Except right now I don't think I can endure to the end. I feel like I'm going to collapse.” I let a little giggle seep through.

“You won't. Do you need me to come over?”

I threw myself across the bed and wrapped myself up in my sheets. “No. I'm just venting. I know you're busy working today. I didn't mean to bother you.”

“You never bother me. Hopefully, we'll finish up early, and I can scoop you up for some grub.”

“Grub sounds good, especially since I haven't even eaten breakfast yet.”

“Well, I've been up since five o'clock.”

“Aww, poor baby.”

“Talk like that will get you everywhere,” Joshua said.

“I hope so.” I rolled over under the covers. Suddenly, there was a loud crash.

“What was that?”

“Don't know. I've got to go.” I slammed the cordless phone down on its hook and ran from the room.